Need Help?


If You Need Help

If you are in immediate danger call 911.

Everyone needs a little help sometimes. Whether you are trapped in an abusive situation or are just stressed beyond your limit, there are many people who would love to come alongside you in your journey.

Most counties have a domestic abuse shelter that can give you an immediate safe haven should the need arise for you to flee your place of residence. Simply put your county and the words “Domestic Abuse Shelter” into your search engine and you should be directed to the nearest shelter. These shelters will most likely be able to provide you with shelter, counseling, and assistance in obtaining an order of protection.

If you are being abused but are not quite ready yet to leave, the wonderful people at the National Domestic Violence Hotline can always be reached at 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

If you’ve gotten to a place where you just can’t fathom the life ahead of you, please remember how special you are and call The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

If your abuser has access to your computer, please remember to clear your browser history and computer cookies upon exiting this site or any of the resources listed above so that your abuser does not become angry with what you are looking at.

I just want you to be safe.

You are amazing, you are precious, you are smart, you are beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you differently and don’t ever forget it because YOU are loved.




  • Anonymous
    February 21, 2015 at 6:49 pm

    Do you recommend calling 911 even with your experience with the police?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2018 at 11:18 am

      I do. My experience was abnormal and hopefully not what would happen to everyone. Even above and beyond that, if you are in immediate danger, even if the police don’t end up being all that helpful, their sheer presence may be enough to save your life.

  • Anonymous
    June 29, 2015 at 7:28 pm

    I have so many people that I know that would like to donate children's clothing, bottles and sterilizing equipment to shelters but…1. cannot get anyone to give them information on the shelters due to privacy concerns, or have been outright refused because they don't have storage. I find this confusing. How can you say you say to woman, get out now, take the children and leave everything behind and then not accept help from people who can? We don't all have ready cash to dole out, but we have resources and very nice things that can be used for the children and the mom's who will need to be dressed for job interviews. Any suggestions?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2018 at 11:19 am

      Most shelters are direct contracted with companies that provide them with material goods such as bedding, clothing, toys, etc in return for a tax write off, so they receive shipments of identical and brand new items. That helps the shelters out because everything is uniform and there are no cleanliness issues.

      Shelters are so busy that they simply don’t have the time to go through things that people bring in and inspect them for health or safety hazards. Unfortunately many people use donation centers as the stop before the dumpster, and women’s shelters make people feel good about donating, so massive amoutns of people bring EVERYTHING over there. At the end of the day the shelters are simply underfunded to have the means to handle so many outside donations, sort through them, clean them, and then dispose of everything they can’t use.

      The no donation policy was a sad but necessary step to refocus all their time and efforts into directly helping the clients of the shelter.

      With that being said, shelters do often run specific donation drives such as buisness attire collections, toiletry collections, and things of that nature.

      There are so many ways to donate to shelters other than directly providing them with items. If possible have a garage sale and donate the proceeds to them. Many churches also collect items that are then distributed to the women who have left the shelter and are now living in transitional housing.

      At the end of the day though, thank you for wanting to help the victims out!

  • Anonymous
    July 19, 2015 at 1:28 am

    And what about just help to survive. When the police did nothing. In the end 20 years later when you are without family, but alive….but feeling like you barely exist….alone. Where does one find help? You seem to have such great support. I try but I am the one supporting others. Nobody cares if I exist.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2018 at 11:20 am

      Aw, that is a tough spot to be in, isn’t it? There is ALWAYS help out there, it’s just a matter of narrowing it down to what kind of help you would like to get first. If you are feeling alone and like you have nothing left in life, I would reach out to one of the suicide hotlines. I know that feels like a HUGE step, but it’s a great first step in finding the resources that you need, EVEN if you aren’t suicidal (and if you are there is no shame in that, it just means that you’ve been strong for so long that you need a little help now. There is nothing wrong with that!)

      I have been where you are, when the police did nothing and my friend turned her back on me because I got raped. When my husband left me and my mom also turned her back on me. I didn’t always have such great support, I reached out for it and let people know that I needed help. Hell I even sent emails to people that were more aquaintences than friends and said “Hey, I’m struggling, and this is what I need help with.”

      Reach out to anyone that you can, and if you have no one, reach out to local support groups. That is an amazing way to find people who are going through the same struggles that you are, and an even better way to build lasting friendships.

      If you need some help finding places to reach out to, please email me and I’ll do my best to get you the help that you DESERVE.

      People will care if you let them, I promise. I care 🙂


  • Anonymous
    February 18, 2016 at 3:55 am

    Hi.I wasn't sure whether I should comment or not… but in the end, I decided to face the consequences of my comment and I'm almost praying for the best outcome… Well, here it goes – I read one of your posts on being polyamorous. I'm, to say the least, curious. In an ideal cenário I would prefer a private conversation about it. But, as it stands, I'm faced with exposure… So, if by any chance this is possible, it would really lift some weight off my mind. Thank you for reading, thank you for your time…

  • Anonymous
    April 7, 2016 at 12:29 am

    Please someone help me. I too come from a very dysfunctional family in the sense that I was singled out for abuse but the rest of them loved and respected each other. It makes no sense and may be hard to believe but it does happen yet nobody believes me. I need to escape them. I'm an adult but I'm very vulnerable at the moment as I have been left very confused and without confidence to move away from them. Most importantly, I need to do it for my sweet angel 3.5years old, which they are using as their entertainment, a different kind of abuse from what I experienced like shouting, berating, beating etc. I need to save her from their hell. I don't have enough money alone and no friends. How can I keep our heads above water please help us.

  • 1 of 295,000
    August 14, 2016 at 10:39 pm

    Hi, I am 18 years old. And i have been abused my mother. for the past 4 years I have been punched, straggled, slapped, spit on and been called names. My dad left my mum and ever since there I have been a well abused i guess. I never provoked her I was too afraid. I once called social services but she made me lie to them I did it because i was scared and now they wont believe a word I say. She has locked me out so many times. I don't know what to do anymore, because no one really cares no one asks hey you ok? I have never have the chance to say; you know what i need help. Please someone give me some advice?Thank You

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2018 at 11:21 am

      I’m sorry this is so late, I didn’t see many of the comments on this page until now. I’m not sure where you live, but if you’re 18, can you leave now? In the states once you are 18 you can get a job, your own place, and move out. Do you have friends that you can stay with until you get on your feet? You don’t deserve what’s happening to you!

  • Fromamomtoanothermom
    October 20, 2016 at 8:33 pm

    I thank you for this empowering blog! I have two daughters (ages 2&4) and you are truly inspiring. Wanted to ask, do you still let him see the kids? I'm not sure about how much or how little visitation/custody i should allow yet. Any words of advice is appreciated!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2018 at 11:21 am

      Hi there! My ex has no visitation with my kids. Whether or not I would have let him, or if a judge would have allowed it, my ex didn’t want any. I guess, for your own situation, you’d have to weigh the safety factor in. Despite my own situation, I’m a big believer of a child having both parents in their life, but only if it’s safe. If you aren’t sure if it’s healthy for them to have his influence in their lives, I’d highly recommend a child counselor. They are great at being able to gauge a situation and pointing out things that we often miss 🙂 Good luck! It’s a tricky path to navigate!!

  • Anonymous
    October 28, 2016 at 10:06 pm

    How was your experience “abnormal”? You said that shelters usually can't help beyond a few weeks. This may not, but appears to, contradict why you founded your nonprofit. You were adament about the dangerous myths. I think it's great what you are doing and I'm so sorry for what you went through, maybe this part of your blog could be clarified a bit?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2018 at 11:21 am

      I guess I’m confused at what you are saying. Shelters, in some cases, cannot help beyond a few weeks, which is exactly why I founded my nonprofit. We are not a shelter, we are the people that women turn to after the shelter.

  • Anonymous
    October 28, 2016 at 10:39 pm

    I believe you. It is not uncommon with some types of abuse that oneperson is singled out as the scapegoat. Usually dysfunctional familiesare now known to have roles. One is the hero (overachiever), one isthe scapegoat, (most abused), etc. I recommend that if this fits you, look into going to college…..canyou afford a community public college? That would give you a chance tomeet other people (be careful, abusive people are everywhere and thoseof us abused tend to attract them because it's what we are used to)..some colleges have counseling, etc. Set a goal even a small goal especially one that might allow you to earn your own income which eventually would let you be able to afford to move. You don't have to tell your family about this, in fact, the less personal stuff you tell them, the better since you cannot trust them. Do you have any friendsor other outside relatives you can trust? Can you get counseling, do you have any health care benefits? Be careful to pick a counselor or personthat is really trustworthy. First tell them just a bit and see how they react to it. How old are you? In most states you are considered an adultat 18, please note, do not tell your family your plans since they are so abusive and cannot be trusted. They could try to stop or block you. Try to take small steps to become more independent, such as learning to drive, or just walking from the home to a library or hospital, whatever you feel comfortable with. Pray to God to help you and help you to create your own life. You can watch Joyce Meyer on TV, she is on TBN, Daystar and many secular channels and has a website. Here is a prayer line to call to receive Jesus and for prayer support: 719 635 6029. The devil is behind the scenes with the bad things, but people do have free will. It is important to ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior, you come to Him just as you are. He will start to change you. You don't have to clean up your life just come to Him. I would do this privately where no one in your family has to know this. I am not blaming you, everyone needs to be saved. It's not your fault. I will pray for you. You can also seek out helpful online groups on Yahoo groups or other blogs where people support one another. There are many for abused people but please be careful. Use a fake name and do not reveal anything personal such as your name, address or phone online, and be careful of anyone you talk to. In my state, anyone can anonymously report to familyservices if abuse is occurring. I don't know about your state, it's a tip phone line. Remember God loves you, this is not your fault. You may email me at:

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2018 at 11:19 am

      I’m so sorry, I didn’t see your post until I saw the reply come in. How are you doing now? I believe you too. That was me! No one else was treated the way I was, and because of that, no one outside of us saw it.

      Your child is lucky to have a parent who wants to create a new environment away from abuse for them. How are you doing now? Do you still need help?

  • NotMyShametoBear
    November 9, 2018 at 11:21 am

    For me, the best foundation that I built in identifying and forming healthy relationships, was in a codependency support group I attended. Victims of abuse often develop a thought pattern that causes them to seek out unhealthy relationships in the future, or become withdrawn, and in turn, can make us very codependent. That group did WONDERS for me, and helped me learn how to move forward with confidence and healthy boundaries. So… that’s my best advice! I’m sorry that you are struggling 🙁 You don’t deserve to be abused, and I’m proud of you for recognizing that it’s time to get out!

  • Elizabeth Wallace
    September 1, 2019 at 11:30 pm

    I just found this and have no clue how “Do you need help” ends with domestic violence hotlines. These systems do not work, they have their own agenda and it is not at all to help women. And all of these “pay to psycho-babble coaches” don’t care if someone is left broke and abandon and needs someone to speak with………men who walk off, are as culpable as the enablers who encourage and help them and just as much in sin with their consequences of their actions.

    • Eden Strong
      September 5, 2019 at 10:36 am

      I couldn’t disagree with that more. Those hotlines offer resources and practical ways for both victims who aren’t sure where to turn. If you’ve had a bad experience with one, then call another. Help is out there. They are staffed most often by volunteers who have no agenda other than wanting to help. I listed hotlines, because I have no idea where my readers are coming from that need help. There would be no possible way for me to list out every service available in your area. But if you need help, and I’m guessing you do, try reaching out to your local DV shelter. They will be more able to tell you what assistance you can get. Or, if you are unable to do that, feel free to send me an email and I will see what I can find for you.


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