Mr. Attorney Man

I first found Mr. Attorney Man after my ex disappeared and I needed a divorce attorney. I remember sitting on my bed and googling the words “aggressive sole child custody divorce.” Reviews of his boss popped up and they looked promising, so I made an appointment with The Boss Dude. At my first appointment, I sat nervously in the waiting room, trying to choke back the tears of realization that this was actually happening, and pondering the fact that they had the largest book I had ever seen sitting there as reading material, which had me questioning just exactly how long I would be waiting there. When they did come for me, they put me in the ugliest conference room I had ever seen, and then Mr. Attorney Man and The Boss Dude came in.


The Boss Dude talked for a long time, and then after a while, said he would like it if Mr. Attorney Man handled my case. Now up until this point, I had no idea that Mr. Attorney Man was even an attorney. I thought he was like the guy who takes notes or something because he was young. Like super young. So young that when they asked me if I was ok with that, I tried as nicely as I could to ask him how old he was. The Boss Dude left the two of us alone, and I remember saying to him, “So, I don’t mean to be rude to you or anything, but I’m not like…. your first case…. am I?” He looked a bit perplexed, so I went on to say “Well, like you are pretty young, so, my kids are really important to me, and ….I need to make sure that they end up with me, so….have you done this before or are you like the Doogie Howser of lawyers?” He laughs, like I’m the ridiculous one, and says, “No! I’m 29! I’ve been doing this for several years.” Oh. Ok, so you are the Doogie Howser of lawyers. Cuz I’m a year younger then you, and I know what I’ve been doing for the last few years, and it wasn’t practicing law.

For some reason, which I’m sure he would swear was caused by his overwhelming charm, I decide to go for it. I swiped my credit card and left the fate of my children’s parenting in his hands. He got right to work, preparing documents, telling me what to do, and just generally going about his job. Now at this point, I didn’t know where my ex was, and he wasn’t answering his phone or returning my calls. Here is an odd fact for you, my ex and Mr. Attorney Man have the same first and middle name. So the first week I hired him, I had a question to ask him, so I called his office and left a message. No return call. Waited two days, called again, nothing. Called again on the fourth day. Nothing. Finally, on the 6th day, I left this totally bitchy message on his voicemail: “So, what is it about people named XXXXXXX XXXXX that just choose to ignore me and not call me back?” Nice one girl. Real classy. Eventually he did return my call, gave me some explanation as to what had happened, and since then he has always called me back in an extremely prompt manner.

So the morning of my first court date, one of my neighbors went with me. We get there and wait for Mr. Attorney Man. He is nowhere to be seen. We wait….and we wait…..and we wait….nothing. No Mr. Attorney Man. The judge calls the case….nothing. Ok. I’m firing this dude. Eventually he runs in, like literally, he runs in, he works it all out, and in two minutes we are out of there. I left the courthouse with my neighbor and she says “I don’t know about him,” and I’m like “Yea, I don’t know about him either……”

Actually, for the first few court dates, Mr. Attorney Man was late. I remember him calling me one day as I was parking in the parking garage, and him saying “Hey, I’m going to be late. Just go in, and tell the judge that I’m checking in and I will be there soon.” I was like “Go in by myself? That scares me! I don’t want to go into court by myself! I don’t want to talk to the judge by myself! You know what?  I should totally hire someone to go to court with me and talk to the judge for me. Oh wait. I did. ITS YOU.”

So I wait for him, he gets there, and we decide to take the stairs because it’s faster. That is, if we can get into the stairs. Mr. Attorney Man stands there pushing on a door clearly marked “Pull.” Um…dude. So I open it, and while I am busy so righteously making fun of him, I run smack into the door frame. Well this is just great. I’m an idiot who has hired herself an idiot. We should make a great team. Super.

But he does a great job keeping his cool with me. Even when I left his office and drove 20 miles in the wrong direction and he had to talk me all the way back to where I needed to be. Even when someone crashed into my car a week before my divorce court date and he had to drive me home from court because I had no car. Even when my crazy ex nearly ran his Mr. Boss Dude over in the parking lot of his office.  Even when I had yet another bad ending to a relationship shortly after my divorce, he never once judged me, he just helped me clean up the mess. Well, he probably judged me quite a bit internally, but he never said anything to my face, so I give him major props for that! And then, when I had a court date where I was afraid that my ex might try and harm me, he showed up early to walk me into the building, and then guess what? I WAS LATE.  He never freaks out at me, even though I can tell that sometimes he wants too.

I’m glad I chose to trust him, because he is one of the few people in my life who have done anything for me without an ulterior, self serving, motive. I know just how much money was lost on my case by him eating the costs when he knew I couldn’t pay for it. I know that he has shown up for court time and time again, knowing that not only will he never see a dollar from me, but that he is losing time with paying clients. When I push his buttons with my corny little jokes, usually made at his expense, he has never once said “its not like you pay me anyways LADY!” That sets him apart from not only any attorney that I have ever met, but most everyone who has ever been in my life. He is good, not only at what he does, but at how he handles himself in this world. That guy is going somewhere, and I hope that he is able to hang on to all the best parts of himself, for the world needs more people like him. Trusting him continues to be one of the smartest decisions I have made, and even though it sometimes takes me a while to trust him in different scenarios, he is patient with me, and eventually I get there.

But he “claims” it wasn’t from him. It was about pancakes, shoes, and fireworks. I was thinking “gee, he must be partying hard tonight, good for him,” but he “claims” he was sleeping on his couch (boring). He also claims that I sent him some weird text about flying princesses and fountains. I did not send him any text about flying princesses and fountains, although I wish I had, because it sounds like those two people were having a great time. So….I have decided to pretend like I did send it, and this is what I would have been referring too: