So….About the Neighbors…..

So…you know those neighbors, the one’s that I referenced in my original story? Did I mention that I live in a townhouse? No? Ok, well I do. And I just so happen to share a common wall with them. Cozy, right? Brings new meaning to the term “sleeping with the enemy.”

Well anyways, I WAS sleeping last night, until I was awakened at two a.m. by a HUMUNGOUS thud on said common wall. My first thought was pure terror, that stranger guy had come back, but then as I started listening, I realized, that as far as I remember, stranger guy doesn’t have a very loud, shrill, girly voice that screams things such as “F’ YOU (name withheld). F’ YOU AND F’ ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.” People. I could hear EVERY. SINGLE. WORD of my neighbor chick’s full on assault attack towards her fiancé (and normally I can’t hear a thing through the walls). She was screaming things at him that I wouldn’t have dared say to my ex on the day of our divorce. At one point I heard him say “(name withheld) don’t you put your hands on me!” To which she replied “Or what? What are you going to do about it?” Now here is where I got mad. He said he would call the police and she replied “And who do you think they are going to believe? Tiny me or 6’2 guy who couldn’t defend himself?”

Ok. Now I’m livid. This, THIS, is why the police just assume a lot of women are lying these days. Because they are!! Here I am, on one side of the wall, fighting tooth and nail for the police to believe and protect the women of our city, and here she is, on the other side of the wall, single handedly tearing down my progress.

The fight got louder and louder until she literally beat him out the front door….and then it continued onto the front lawn. I literally had no idea what to do as I sat there in total darkness peering through the blinds like some creepy voyeur. If he had been the one touching her, I would have had no problem going outside and yanking her into my house, even with the “you can kiss my ass” feelings that I am currently harboring towards her, simply because you don’t put your hands on a woman, and even if you aren’t to fond of her, you still protect her. But here I am, sitting like a blubbering idiot, and watching her go full on “bat shit crazy” on him, and I have no idea what to do. Logically, I could have called the police, but in another post for another time, I’m not currently too fond of them. And he is a big dude, he could have gotten in his car and left if he felt like it, she is too small to actually have restrained him. But still, grrr!

Eventually I went back to bed. Yes, that’s right people, it continued on for so long, that I ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP.

As my friend puts it, “There is a fine line between dysfunctional family drama, and public display’s of white trashiness.”

I’m telling you, I am a pretty passive person. It really takes a lot to frustrate me, and even when I am frustrated, it comes off as kind of wimpy. As a single mom with an EXTREMELY exuberant five year old daughter and a two year old son that moves at warp speed, I will still go several weeks at a time without even raising the tone of my voice. But this girl you guys, good gosh she is trying my patience and for the record, this is the FOURTH time in the last three weeks that something like this has happened over there in psycho town.

So, this brings me to my point. If you were to have witnessed the same situation, history aside, how would you have handled it? If there is no weapon involved, do you think that it’s just “personal business” as long as the guy is physically capable of defending himself? At what point would you get involved, if ever? The lines seem so blurred to me. Coming from the perspective of the abused, I know the effects that emotional trauma can have on your logical decision making, so I have to wonder at what point DOES someone else need to step in and make a choice for someone else, even if they appear to physically be able to handle it. And then there is the whole flip side to the situation where if he were to eventually defend himself, he could be the one arrested for it.

I’d love to hear your insights in the comment section!

Oh, and don’t worry dear girl neighbor of mine, thanks to my abusive ex husband, I have become a master in biting my tongue, so I will not confront you about this, no matter how much I want too. I will however write about you anonymously online and vent about it the world.

And….. I’ll see you your silent treatment,
                                                     and I will raise you one giant “Fuck you!”

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  • Mary Anne
    November 27, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Though I know you aren't too happy with the police at this time, that is what I would do…call them EACH and EVERY time she does this…let them handle it andtell them what you did hear…she might shut her face up after a few times of having to deal with them. Just what I would do!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 27, 2014 at 10:40 am

      I thought about it, but its so hard when you have to live next to them! They already collectively dislike me…I’m scared to push it!

  • Anonymous
    December 13, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    Film it in case the police show up, so you can try to make sure the abuser gets taken to jail rather than the victim.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 2, 2014 at 12:53 pm

      Great idea, never thought of doing that before!

  • Anonymous
    December 24, 2013 at 12:25 am

    Your blog is empowering for someone like me, who also left my family, but not the same circumstances as you. Abusers and bullies don't like to do their deeds when others are watching. For me, I always let them know I'm watching – by turning on lights, opening the curtain, making a lot of noise….

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 23, 2013 at 5:54 am

      That’s horrible!!! I’m so sorry that happened to you 🙁 Do you mind if I ask what ended up happening?

  • Anonymous
    December 26, 2013 at 6:15 am

    I'm one of the men that got taken to jail after being battered. The officers saw me bloodied and my clothes torn her not mussed and still took me because I'm “a foot taller”. Thanks a lot.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 23, 2013 at 5:54 am

      I’m glad you found your way here, I hope you stick around. That’s a great idea about making your presence known!

  • Anonymous
    January 2, 2014 at 4:04 am

    I work for a police dept, in dispatch actually so I am used to getting these calls. If I were you I would block my number call the police and tell them what was going on with out giving any of your personal info. Then hang up. Let the police deal with their trashiness.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 2, 2014 at 12:53 pm

      I hadn’t thought of blocking my number. Seems very common sense…..duh. Thanks for the tip!!

  • Sarah Groves
    January 22, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    When I lived in a condo I actually called on the neighbors twice. I am not sure what state you live in but what I did was call the non-emergency line and just ask for an officer to come out. I did this as an anonymous neighbor and never gave my name. Good luck!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 22, 2014 at 8:53 am

      I’ll have to try that next time, thank you!

  • Anonymous
    February 7, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    Maybe that is why she is giving you the silent treatment because she identifies with being an abuser and thinks you should have been so “empowered” and shit when she has no idea what it is like to be so horribly victimized. Fuck her, call the cops next time and like someone else said, film it. We don't need nurses like that either. XO to you

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 8, 2014 at 5:55 am

      Thats an interesting perspective, and probably has quite a bit a truth to it. Thanks for sharing!

  • Anonymous
    February 13, 2014 at 4:10 am

    It is extremely disheartening and saddening that you did not call the police. I am a survivor of sexual assault and grew up in a abusive environment, so I am extremely passive. But when it comes to potential abuse, I always report, despite panicking for hours afterward and being afraid for my safety if the people I reported found out. I hope you call the police next time. It's discouraging and ironic how you dismiss female abuse towards a male. Abusers use emotional manipulation, threats, and violence to keep their victims in place. It doesn't matter if the man is “big enough” to defend himself. People who act like passive bystanders when abuse happens only support the cycle of abuse.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 13, 2014 at 5:55 am

      It wasn’t that I was dismissing it, he punched a hole through the door as well. I literally just didn’t know what to do. If you read my other blogs, you would know how distrustful I am of the police after the rape. I didn’t know what to do, which is why I asked here. Helpful advice is welcome, judging and shaming is not.

  • Anonymous
    April 23, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    I'm not sure myself how I would handle such a situation, so I don't have much advice to offer…but my comment about it? Woooooohooooooo they're movin' out…WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)NathalieP.S. Did I already mention….WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO???

  • Sao Luo Bo
    December 16, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Not sure it happened in US. Pretty common in India. The laws that were drafted to be used as a tool for protection of women, have become a weapon in the hands of few, who know how to bend the law for their own good. A lot of good men have died, jailed, and abused for none of their fault. Incredible India !! hehehe!!

  • Dee Magoo
    February 5, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    I am just now reading your blog.. OMG girl.. I can't even.. I would definitely call the cops.. and if you need to put it on speaker and let them hear what you're hearing. And who cares if they hate your guts.. you do you and take care of the kids and all will be good..

  • Dee Magoo
    February 5, 2016 at 6:45 pm

    I agree, there is always room to grow and nobody should be shamed.. regardless of the reason. I think you did the best you could given the time and circumstances of your own situation. If this had been a year or even 6 months down the road you would probably have done exactly what you wanted to do.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 8, 2016 at 5:55 am

      Thank you 🙂

  • Rita Krouch
    February 5, 2016 at 8:57 pm

    I'm not going to shame you or say “I would've done this!” because it's not what you're asking for but I want to point out something you said that I find disheartening. 'he is a big dude, he could have gotten in his car and left if he felt like it, she is too small to actually have restrained him.'That's victim blaming. I don't know what their situation was or is, if they're still together, but it's a very dangerous thing to say he's too big to be being abused and could get out at any time. I'm sure people said the same thing about you. It makes you feel worse and like you deserve to be in that position. It's been two years since you wrote this blog post and I'm sure your perspective has changed but for anyone else reading my comment. Just because someone is big, successful, capable of defending themselves, a man or a woman; they can still be an abuse victim. Don't shame them and don't push any of the blame on them.

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