He Loves Me, I Love Him…… Not

He and I have been best friends for quite some time. I don’t know why we never dated, we just never did. People have always asked us why we don’t date, and for the most part, we would just look at each other and have a mutual exchange of somewhat horrified glances and scrunched up eyebrows, as if to say “Why on earth would we date each other?”  

Our friendship, it has always just been…comfortable. I could tell him anything and vice versa. In May, when the man I thought I would be with forever, dumped me and moved out of my house the night before my birthday, it was him that took the day off of work to take me out. Last winter when the kids and I all got slammed with the stomach flu, it was him that showed up to hold my hair back and clean up the kids. When he found out I was sleeping on my couch because I couldn’t bear to lay on my bed and look at the walls that had enclosed me and all of my pain for so many years, he showed up the next day with paint and a ladder. We spent the next three nights painting the ridiculously high walls, in shower caps so as to not paint our hair, until we collapsed on my bed in a pile of pizza and ice cream sundae’s. When his girlfriend dumped him, it was me who sat with him for hours coming up with a plan to win her back. After a long period of stress, it was me who went with him to his first counseling session, because he was too nervous to go alone. After a particularly scary incident with my ex, he met me at the police station, worried about me driving home alone. After that, he started sleeping at my house, in my bed, because I was scared to be alone. It’s not unusual to find us snuggling on the couch together watching a movie, me, nestled into his arms. When he thought it was going to be “the night” with his girlfriend, he sent me pictures of himself in different underwear so that I could pick which one looked hottest. When he came over one day and I was reading the drug information insert on a new birth control pill I was taking, we both laughed at the part that listed “breast growth” under the negative side effects section, because seriously, how could that be a negative? And then I’ll be damned when my boobs actually did get bigger, it was him who got the text picture that was captioned “I was going to send this to a girlfriend but it’s not like she would have ever looked at my boobs, and as a guy, I’m sure you have, so what do you think, did they get bigger?” And it wasn’t weird at all. It’s always just been….us.

In fact, we have always been so comfortable with each other, that scenarios like this, didn’t even phase us:

One time we were watching a movie, lying on the couch spooning, as we have a hundred times before, when I felt….it. Because I have a big mouth and no tact, I didn’t give the poor guy a chance to just be silently embarrassed. Without even moving I said “Yea, that’s not happening. Put that away.” Without missing a beat he said “Well then stop rubbing your ass all over it.” I flipped to the other side of the couch, we laughed, and after I made fun of him so more, it was over.

On top of all the oddities and awkward traits that we share, there is one common bond that we share between us, that I’ve never been able to share with another person. He knows what it’s like to not be wanted. By anyone. There are many paths that people take in life, but few people have truly spent the majority of their lives walking that path alone, except for us. Everyone goes through periods of lonliness, bad break-ups, divorce, or loss, but few people live that life on a near constant basis. Few people have raised themselves, and few people have no one. Few people will ever experience knowing what its like to be completely and utterly unwanted.

We had no one. Until we found each other.

But now things are different. It’s amazing how much things can change with just one conversation. Did I just not notice it before? I obviously have a track record of being seriously dense when it comes to reading people and their intentions.

“I need to talk to you,” was how it started, as he took my hands in his and led me to the couch. “What’s wrong?” I asked him, my heart rate quickening as we sat down, facing each other. “I, uh, I don’t know how to tell you this,” he said. I felt my defenses start to go up, thinking he had done something that he thought was going to hurt me or make me angry. “Ok,” I said to him. “Just tell me. You’re making me nervous.” He took a deep breath, and he said, firmly and to the point, “I love you.”

“Ok….” I say, somewhat confused at this point, but I don’t really have time to decipher in what sense ‘he loves me,’ before he starts talking again.

“I love you. I don’t know when I started loving you, but I do. I love you and not just as a friend. I love you and I want to be with you. You are amazing. I have never met anyone like you in my entire life. You put everyone first, and you are always happy. Your eternal optimism, it’s so rare, I just can’t help but be happy when I’m around you. Your kids are amazing, and I watch the way you are with them and I know what a lucky man I would be to not only get to share my life with you and your kids, but to have you raise one of my own, if you ever wanted too. I know this sounds crazy and I’m rambling but this has been building up in me for a year now, and I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to ruin what we had, but I can’t. I just can’t keep watching you go out with losers that don’t see how amazing you are. I want to be with you. I want you. I WANT you. I love you, not “even though” and not in spite of anything, I just love you. You deserve a guy that treats you right, and that’s me. I want you to give me a chance.”

People, I seriously could not breathe. I. Could. Not. Breathe. This is every girls dream come true, am I right? This is like right out of the “Notebook” (probably not) or some other chick flick that I have never watched because I hate chick flicks. This is what us girls DREAM of!

Unless you are a broken and damaged shell of a person like me.

He is still talking, but what he is saying sounds like another language. As I’m trying to process, I’m pretty sure it’s not translating correctly.

What he is actually saying, is “give me a chance, I won’t hurt you. You are amazing and beautiful and I want to give you everything that you have ever missed out on. I want to be the first one in your life who doesn’t let you down. Will you give me that chance?”

But what I’m hearing is “believe my lies, as you have believed all the other guys lies, and this time, you really will break. I think you’re sexy and I really just want to bang you, so I’m going to tell you everything that I think you want to hear so that I can get what I want. I deserve a chance to screw you over just like everyone else has. Can I have a turn?”

I look into his eyes and I watch them as they slowly go from full of hope, to near pleading. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t move a muscle. It was like I was having some sort of out of body experience. All at once I felt so overwhelmed, the rush of emotions that had washed over me had thrust me into a near paralytic state. He loves me. He WANTS me. He knows me. He knows all my cracks and all my flaws, and yet, he wants me anyways. Do you know how that feels?

It feels scary as hell.

So I do what any other deeply damaged individual does.
I break his heart.
I do what has been done to me a hundred times over and I become the person that I never wanted to be.

Now completely defeated, he manages to stutter out, “you don’t love me. I really thought you were the one person, who knew all of me, and loved me anyways. I’m going to go now and you know me, I won’t be back.” With that he stands up, walks to my door, and opens it. Before he walks out, he turns around to look at me and he says “Please. Please stop me. Please want me.”

I looked at the face of a man that holds a large part of my heart and I saw him breaking. I literally saw him falling apart on the inside. I shifted my gaze to the floor and for what seemed like an infinitely long amount of time, he stood there; and then,

he left.

I had my own movie moment right then as I slid to the floor and buried my face into my knees, me heart breaking into a million little pieces for him.

Because he loves me,

                           and I love him….

Or maybe,

                                           I just don’t understand,


 how to be wanted.

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  • Christa
    December 11, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    She should write a book and help people on a larger scale. That's the kind of story that people like to read, I know I do. Someone going through hell and helping themselves get through it and not using it as an excuse. It's empowering

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 26, 2013 at 4:28 am


  • Jessica
    December 12, 2013 at 12:32 am

    I jhave such respect for women who are open to sharing their pain n struggles…whoch in return may help another. GOD BLESS HER .

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 26, 2013 at 4:28 am

      Thank you!!

  • Anonymous
    December 12, 2013 at 12:40 am

    For what its worth, you are not a damaged individual. From reading your blog, I'd say you are one of the strongest and most self aware people on the face of the planet. Don't confuse long lasting pain with inferiority. Most people would not have survived what you have, and you not only have, but you have survived intact, and as a functioning member of society. You are not broken, you are amazing, and you are able to self reflect on your life in a way that most people can't. You are AWARE of your cracks, you know where your damage lies, you are working on it. Just the fact that you actually care about this guys feelings, is amazing, considering most people that have lived your life would have absolutely no capacity to love anyone, and yet, you care. You accept yourself wholeheartedly and with a sense of humor. That is a far cry from the people who walk through life with an obliviously inflated sense of self confidence, or none at all. This is coming from a therapist here, just so you know. I've been stalking your blog for a while, and I agree with Christa, I would LOVE to read any books you write. You are a model to survivors everywhere, people in general, and the women you help are lucky to have you. You may have trust issues, but in no way do you have “Issues.” Anyone would be lucky to have you, and many people will want you when you are ready to let them.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 11, 2013 at 6:56 am

      Wow. Ok, just…..wow. Thank you so much for that, and for your kind words!!!

  • Anonymous
    December 12, 2013 at 2:06 am

    LOVED this one. Loved it. It was good that you were honest with him, maybe you will change your mind later and can give him a call. hE sounds like someone that might actually deserve you

  • Rebekah
    December 12, 2013 at 2:55 am

    I feel like I was right there with you. No, I feel like I was you. You do a great job of being the right amount of descriptive. Not to many details to bore me, but enough to make me really FEEL what you are writing. Kudos

  • claire andrews
    December 12, 2013 at 5:24 am

    I'm in tears!!

  • Anonymous
    December 13, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Oh honey….I so want you to find happiness with someone and this does sound like the right guy but sometimes they just come around TOO soon. I do hope that in time things will work out between you two, at least be able to restore some kind of friendship. Losing someone so close like that, that has shared so much in your life with you can be hard to get passed…part of me wants to say, gosh, it's not like you were already dealing with enough….but the other part wants to feel that maybe he could have been the one that would be that “soul mate” we all dream of but seldomly really find.I do keep praying for you and I do hope the very best for you!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 13, 2013 at 7:33 am

      Its so hard to know what the right thing to do is anymore. I feel like whatever choice I make, is bound to be the wrong one 🙁 Thank you so much for your prayers!!

  • Anonymous
    December 13, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    Too often we wander through life not realizing our self worth. While there are a few that are worthless (two parents come to mind), there are those that are worth their weight in precious metals. You are one of them. Therapists don't tell people that. I think they forget sometimes. You are more than welcome. And i do hope that it is something you always remember. You wake up and you feel like shit… but you look in the mirror and you remember “Holy fuck… i'm priceless.. not worthless…” It helps me through some rough days.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 13, 2013 at 7:25 am

      I love that lol. You can be an original form of awesome with me. I’ll share 🙂 We can be two fucking badass princess’s

  • Anonymous
    December 13, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    First, i think you are selling yourself short. Considering your less than desirable start to life, I'd say you are remarkably well adjusted. You have humor and empathy in your personality and that shows just how far you've come. Second, I think he knows you're 'messed up' but clearly loves you anyways. I'm a pretty messed up person too, yet my hubby stands by my side regardless of my mood or my temper tantrum etc etc. It takes a special kind of person to do that. Last but certainly not least, your mom is a horrible person. No child is inherently bad, we make them that way. We fuck them up. We teach them to hate, to be afraid, to act out…. It would take an awful lot of personal willpower to keep myself from slapping my mother silly had she said something like that about me. I admire you for your strength. Keep on trucking… and quit selling yourself short. You are worth it. You are worth every god damn minute that man spends with you. You are more precious than gold to him… i don't even have to meet him to know that, especially if what you say about him is true. You mark my words… he'd ditch his woman in a heart beat if you were even so much as 'might be' in trouble….

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 13, 2013 at 1:17 am

      Ah, I know, its just so hard to find someone to trust 🙁

  • Anonymous
    December 13, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    You have someone you trust… it's the guy who held your hair back when you were sick… painted your walls when you couldn't look at them anymore, cuddled you in bed when you were scared….That guy is your soul mate… We all have one. Doesn't matter if you are in love with him (i think you are personally after reading that blog but… thats my opinion) or not… he's your soul mate and he's there for you apparently for anything and through anything.

  • Reddittogo
    December 14, 2013 at 1:34 am

    A cautionary word: there is a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I have a friend whom I love. I share a certain intimacy with him that is unique to us. I've seen inside of his soul, and he's bared his weakest moments to me. I've accepted him, scars and all, unconditionally. However, as much as I love him, I am not in love with him.He tried to move our friendship into relationship. Rather than be honest, I avoided the whole issue until he was broken and hurt. He moved halfway across the country to avoid me and it took years before he'd talk to me again. We've mended our frienship since then, but I don't think he'll ever forgive me. I absolutely regret letting him believe that my love for him might be romantic.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 26, 2013 at 10:57 am

      Exactly, I’m not IN love with him. Whether its timing, or me, or him, or my issues, I don’t know. But I can’t lie to him 🙁

  • SuggestiveMaterial
    December 14, 2013 at 1:38 am

    I read both… and i truly believe that the guy you speak about is your soulmate. You may not realize it now… but you two are meant for each other. I hope it happens. You deserve happiness….

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 13, 2013 at 7:44 am

      Ugh, Its just so hard to know who to trust

  • SuggestiveMaterial
    December 14, 2013 at 1:59 am

    You have someone you trust… it's the guy who held your hair back when you were sick… painted your walls when you couldn't look at them anymore, cuddled you in bed when you were scared….That guy is your soul mate… We all have one. Doesn't matter if you are in love with him (i think you are personally after reading that blog but… thats my opinion) or not… he's your soul mate and he's there for you apparently for anything and through anything.

  • Anonymous
    December 20, 2013 at 10:02 am

    I agree it does sound like you are confused due to your past which he knows and understands… and you said he knows all and understands all about you as you do him and that the two of you are very similar right? From your post it seems like you two are perfect soulmates! Tell him about your fears and I'm sure hell understand so at least you won't lose your friend but I think you should snatch him up before his broken heart turns into a scar and he changes his mind and moves on…. Afterall, you could go into it with the agreement that if it just doesn't work, you guys will remain friends? You were basically dating him anyway since you two were pretty much going through the normal motions of a relationship lol. Sounds like you guys already have a great foundation to build on! Good luck 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 21, 2013 at 9:44 am

      He knows my fears, he knows I’m scared, but I think it might be more then that. I love him, I’m just not sure I’m “in” love with him. I haven’t heard from him since, think I broke him.

  • Anonymous
    December 23, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Call him back.

  • Anonymous
    December 23, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    If anything, you deserve a chance to make your thoughts clear.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 23, 2013 at 9:44 am

      I tried. He didn’t answer 🙁 I think that ship has sailed. I miss him, he was my best friend. But I can’t love him the way he wanted me too, but damn do I miss him

  • Anonymous
    December 26, 2013 at 4:15 am

    The way you write is incredible. I wish I had your talent. I….just…..no words. Really can't figure out what to say. Wow. You are awesome, your writing is awesome, I can't wait to read your book. You are such an inspiration.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 25, 2013 at 10:15 am

      Ha, nothing like a little pressure lol! Thank you!

  • Anonymous
    December 26, 2013 at 5:55 am

    Don't give up! Eventually he will realize how much he misses you and your friendship but he might just be a little embarrassed or hurt so it may take him a little time to come around… if you could do it all over again would you change your mind?

  • Anonymous
    December 26, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    As much as I want to jump on the “omg he is your soulmate!” bandwagon… as much as it's heartbreaking to see someone so deserving of love and support as you get this close and have it shatter at the last moment…You're taking care of you, and you don't owe this friend anything more than friendship. Even if he is the right guy, it's ok if it's not the right time. I don't know if I would have been able to be that true to myself, I'm so good at letting others' feelings cloud over my own 'til I cannot tell what I feel. I'm working to be as strong as you are.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 26, 2013 at 10:56 am

      Exactly. I’m not sure any guy would be the right one right now. I need to be “right” myself before I can be “right” with someone else. ;/ Thank you for your words, hope to continue to see you and your insights around here 🙂

  • Deborah Moore
    December 27, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    I think you need to call him. What you wrote, sounds like an old married couple. Spooning, Laughing, Pizza and sundae party. I have been Married for 19 years, Lemme tell you Looks fade, Sex fades, You get fat, you get skinny, you get stretch marks from having kids, Your body starts to age before you are ready for it too.Personalities and whats on the inside doesn't. I would call him, and start out slow. a date, a movie, a show, 1st base, etc. SEX IS NOT LOVE, Its fun, enjoyable, Great.But Its not LOVE. Holding your hair back while your sick, Painting your bed room, Watching movies, snuggling, Talking and Bearing your soul. That IS love. You never know until you try. And from reading your blog your not a quitter. But a fighter. Fight for your Happiness, and make it a reality. And Because of what you have had and been through, this little set back will make you stronger. Let him know your not ready for the whole picture, but maybe just a scene or two. Test the waters…<3 You are Amazing and Stronger then you will ever know..PS If it doesn't work out, you will have more stories for you Blog.. But what if it does… Don't wonder and try.:)

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 29, 2013 at 9:18 am

      I know, and I miss him so much. I miss what we had, I loved what we had. It was one of my only happy places, a safe spot. I was just caught SO completely off guard. I really didn’t know he felt that way, and I never let myself think it. He isn’t talking to me now, asked me to respect his space. He won’t be back. He thinks just like I do. It takes us FOREVER to trust someone, and when they hurt you, you are a pro at picking up and walking away. He is gone. 🙁

  • Alison
    December 30, 2013 at 3:03 am

    I understand loving someone and not being in love with them. It happens. It can be frustrating. If you're not sure though, it's something you should try out. From what I've read here, you have no reason not to trust this man. You have every reason TO trust him. There is no crazy here (at least not what would be outside the realm of normal). I hope you keep trying to talk to him and that he gathers himself together enough to let you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 29, 2013 at 9:15 am

      He doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m assuming I hurt him, I don’t know if he is angry with me, or just hurt, but I need to give him some space 🙁 I can’t say that I’m in love with him, I wish with all my heart that I was, bc all I’ve ever wanted was to be wanted, and here I am, wanted to the extreme, but I’m not sure I can want him the way he wants to be wanted. If that makes any sense at all. I want him in my life, in every square inch of it, but the love that I have for him, even though it runs deep, is not the kind he is looking for. I sent him an email, explaining my feelings, and that I would be willing to try it out, but I only got a response back asking that I respect his space right now. So, I guess I have no choice but to do that. Thank you for your thoughts though, I appreciate all the advice I can get these days!

  • NotMyShametoBear
    December 31, 2013 at 4:16 am

    I like that part about the slowest to trust setting the pace. Interesting perspective. Thank you!!

  • Emily Anders
    December 31, 2013 at 11:40 am

    He is not gone, he is terrified you are going to hurt him again. . .you have to bear it all, every single thing to him for him to be able to gain a grain of trust back to repair the friendship or more. You would have to think about how you feel, tell him everything about it. .if he won't answer a phone, mail him a letter, if no response go to his house. This is of course after giving him several days to calm down and start thinking about how/why that happened. You have to show him that you will do anything to save the friendship, if you still want to be friends. You also have to be sure to let him know that you can't stand to not have him in your life, mention how your not sure if you are in love with him and ready to date, but that you feel broken again without him. You seem to have the same issue I have of not being sure if you love the person or not. . .but what you wrote sounds like love. You guys even seem to be dating, so if you want to try dating you can do what me and my boyfriend did at the beginning. We were best friends before dating, and when he said he likes me. . .I reminded him how even though I may like him back (I wasn't sure) I still have a fear of commitment. He came up with the idea that as long as once I said “okay we are dating now”, we wouldn't have to bring it up again, so it will be the same as when we were friends but we know we won't go making out with other people or something that would hurt me. The only issue was when our friends started using the terms boyfriend and girlfriend. . .my friends thought I was crazy when I asked them to stop mentioning it, but he seemed to get his friends to not mention it again. . .they didn't even joke about how I was “his girl” anymore.You need to fight for the friendship and explain everything, and be sure you mention how you don't want him to think there is a dating in the future, but that you need to figure out how you feel, but you also want him by your side like normal while you do that. . .good luck!

  • NotMyShametoBear
    December 31, 2013 at 7:01 am

    It sounds like you have found yourself an amazing boyfriend!!!

    I’ve tried contacting him, he asked me to give him his space. I can’t do anything to help him at this point except to give him the space he needs.I know how he is feeling. I wounded him when he was vulnerable. His wall his up, I won’t be able to climb it.

  • Ruth Cooke
    December 31, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I think you're right to give him the space he needs. And, having read a number of posts, I think you were right to say that you're not ready to be in a more intimate relationship with him.He may or may not be back, but if he does come back, he needs to understand that the pacing of the relationship must take your needs into account, and not just his. With this type of dynamic, the slowest to trust sets the pace, not the fastest.

  • Anonymous
    January 3, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    As a child of neglect by my two alcoholic parents (one of whom suicided when I was 13), I was left with huge trust issues. I decided that no one would ever get to me so I would never be hurt or disappointed again. Yet, I was terribly lonely and sad – despite a gregarious personality and friends who gravitated to my humor. But as I got older, my humor became more biting and I eventually realized I was finding ways to push the good people away. Therapy, alanon and sitting in church silently crying helped. When it came to men though, I learned my friends were better guides to picking the good guys than me. I leaned heavily on their opinions about the men I dated….. And have found the guys I was “gaga” for usually turned out to be trouble — drinkers, drug users, guys with secrets. I finally married my husband of 10 years once I felt I strong enough to survive divorce. I was terrified of being swallowed up by someone else's problems and life. (Heck, I freaked out when he first called me his girlfriend). But thankfully, I let my friends guide me and kept saying “would I miss him if he was gone?” And that was my affirmation that I was right where I should be. We dated 7 years. And are happily married. And I feel safe and loved everyday. You deserve it. Whoo him back. Take it slow.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 3, 2014 at 8:20 am

      I can ABSOLUTELY see my life and yours following the same path. Maybe not the exact same situations, but the feelings and the humor, the friends, all of that. If that makes any sense.

      I don’t know what else I can do except for give him space, and as much as I love him, I’m not sure I love him, or even want to love him like that. Love sucks sometimes.

  • Mary Boza
    January 4, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Oh, honey, hollywood has it all wrong. You love him. You just don't recognize it, compliments of your start in life. I hope he does answer your call eventually, because he DOES deserve you, and YOU deserve him. Be the stubborn and persistent that is you, skip the tact, and lay it on the line. Good luck.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 4, 2014 at 1:11 am

      But should you at least feel somewhat physically attracted to them? I just couldn’t image doing anything with him. He isn’t unattractive I just… I dunno. Help

      • NotMyShametoBear
        January 3, 2014 at 8:20 am

        Like how do I know if I love him, or if I LOVE him? I’m fairly certain that I don’t LOVE him. I just don’t see myself growing old with him as my partner. Raising kids with him. It doesn’t feel….right. Again. Help

  • Anonymous
    January 4, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    Is it possible that you are thinking too far ahead? Why don't you just go on a date with him. Go slow. See if you enjoy time together. Dating is not a marriage commitment. You shouldn't be projecting so far into the future at this point, it seems to me.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 4, 2014 at 2:58 am

      At this point, I can’t even get a hold of him 🙁

  • Stacey
    January 4, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Anonymous
    January 4, 2014 at 9:04 pm

    And don't have sex right away……. Spend time in double date situations so you get a friends perspective on how you are together. The advice we give you here anonymously is one sided. It only factors your observations. Get some real life people whom have good judgement be your guides. It might be that you don't feel that “electric connection” because you only feel that when you are in a high drama situation. Chaos might be the thing that rocks you….. But maybe a little boring is a good thing in the long run.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 4, 2014 at 4:03 am

      Maybe I need some boring in my life. The rest of my life is anything but boring!

  • Anonymous
    January 4, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    Do something simple. Drop off a box of donuts to his house. With a “thinking of you” note.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 4, 2014 at 4:02 am

      Not a bad idea my friend

  • Nicholas Gibson
    January 8, 2014 at 5:36 am

    If it's not the right thing for you, it's not right. digging into the whys of that can be a sexy road of self-immolation, but really, it isn't right for anyone involved if it isn't right for someone involved. It's okay to not want someone in the same way as someone who wants you. It's not required that a good person magically be attractive to you. I feel like all of this is getting dangerously close to, “he's a nice guy, so you should just want him, because you're a niceness bank, and he's made a lot of deposits. So where is his return?” I don't buy it. I do buy that he's obviously very important to you, as you have said many times here, but you only owe him what you're feeling, not what he wants. And not what anyone who buys urban nice-guy legends thinks you should want. There may be a magical time where all of a sudden he's what you're interested in romantically. But if that's not real, that's also just as right.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 8, 2014 at 7:23 am

      I love the nice bank analogy. Awesomeness. The rest was spectacularly worded as well.

      Please visit often lol. I love your insights

  • harryd
    January 14, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    He's done with words (for now). He needs you to love him physically. Not because he needs sex. He needs YOU…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 14, 2014 at 9:19 am

      I guess we will see what happens~!

  • harryd
    February 4, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    I've been reading your posts for a few weeks now.( I bookmarked your blog some time ago but have no idea how I first stumbled onto it) I came to this section again after first reading it back about a month ago and, all of a sudden it all started coming together, so here goes…I'm starting to see more of the big picture. You have so much going on, and write about what's going on with your life from so many different angles that it has taken some time for me to get a feel for things and begin to 'see' what's going on: and like an onion, I have no idea exactly how many skins I've exposed. Anyway, enough with the analogies and metaphors and on to some particulars. We have the major Piece Of Shit (POS for short) that you gave so much of yourself to shortly after leaving a highly dysfunctional marriage. What a piece of work THAT asshole was… Then you have a guy with good intentions that,according to what I read, you didn't really give your heart, BUT you spilled your guts to and he betrayed your trust. So far I don't know for sure if I have it straight, but I think I'm close. Now we got what appears to be the 'real deal'; a TRUE FINE LOVE but you're too fucked up to accept him into your life without keeping up the walls of Jericho. The only 'romances' you are comfortable with are with boys (not men) who you relate to as play toys. As soon as you find yourself with a MAN who starts being real with you, it's dump 'em time. Mr. POS really did a number on you. He was WAY worse than your husband, who, except for the courting faze of your relationship, (and I'm not sure he wasn't a major asshole during that period too), you KNEW was totally fucked up and abusive physically and mentally. But I gotta give him credit: He didn't pretend to be someone he wasn't. From what I've read, he let his “I'm an asshole” flag fly high. On the other hand, Mr POS totally misrepresented who he really is, and took your heart and dumped it down the whirring garbage disposal. Now, every good man that you spend any significant amount of time with is paying the price for the damage Mr POS did to your psyche (your heart and soul).When you are ready to accept Mr.True Fine Love into your life, I believe that you have the communication skills to make him come around (or if need be, you go see him). Do I think he's the real deal? Yep, from what you have 'said', (written) I surely do. We, as spectators in your life, do our fair share of reading between the lines and from what I've read, Mr True Fine Love and you would have no problem as far as physical chemistry is concerned if and when you figure out how to get out of your own way…Good luck and God speed!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 4, 2014 at 8:43 am

      Oh my gosh, well gee whiz Mr. Smarty Pants, you sure hit a lot of that right on.

      I agree whole heartedly with everything you said…except I’m still not sure about Mr. True Fine Love.

      I just don’t love him like that. I am a strong Christian, and he is an atheist. We never connected on the level that I would hope to connect with my future husband on. It was a big reason why I never even thought about dating him. Hum….

      Lots to think about.

      I like everything else you said, I’m going to take it and reflect on my dating style for a while.

      I’m glad you are back. I haven’t seen you comment in a while, and I always love your insights.

  • harryd
    February 5, 2014 at 5:46 am

    Writing comes hard for me. I just spent two or three hours on a follow up and response to your response to my comments and THE GD COMPUTER BURPED IT INTO THE ETHER… The fact that I'm still typing on said computer shows my supreme exercise of self control, because my overwhelming impulse is to turn said laptop into a million splinters……………….Anything constructive will have to wait cause I got nothing left for now…Take care…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 6, 2014 at 9:15 am

      Oh no, that is the worst!!!! I started typing long responses into my word program and then copying them into where ever I was replying, bc that kept happening to me on multiple sites and I felt like my head was going to explode.

  • harryd
    February 12, 2014 at 10:50 am

    I think the Christian angle is a total cop out.. Godly is as godly does and everything you said about him showed that, in every thought and deed, he acted in a godly manner. With the passing of a few days, I am not caught up in a visceral emotional vortex…I'm calm, and I realize that it's not for me to say who you should care for, but I can't help pointing out what I feel (and I'm really into gut feelings…) is total b.s… At any rate, all I can say is if you see any value in what I say, let it percolate for a while and see what conclusions you come to.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 12, 2014 at 6:46 am

      I don’t think its B.S. to want the person you share your life with to share your belief system. Yes, he acts Christian, more than a lot of other people who claim they are Christian’s do, but he was adamantly against me teaching my children about heaven and about praying. That’s hard for me. Like I said before, he is an amazing guy, just not the guy for me. The piece was about not trusting love, but the more I have thought about it since filtering through all these comments, the more I have realized that a big reason why I don’t love him like that was that he truly, truly, is not the one for me. He doesn’t have a job that supports him, even though he could if he wanted to. He lives rent free with someone because he can’t afford to live on his own. Great guy, but I’m working so hard to build a life for myself, and he isn’t.

      I have a tendency to look at the good in people and gloss over the bad, which I have done with this guy, mostly because until that moment whatever he did with his life, time, and money were none of my business. But if someone wants a life with you, you had better make sure you both want the same kind of life. I want someone ambitious, that does share my faith, and as much as I love him, and still do, he is not the one for me.

      Thanks for writing 🙂

  • harryd
    February 12, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    Well, that extra info does put a bit of a different slant on things… Thanks for answering and I really enjoyed your 'letter to the ex'!

  • harryd
    February 13, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    While I'm not a believer in imaginary beings, I would never discourage someone teaching their young children about heaven or praying. I'm surprised that someone with the qualities you described would be like that. Did you ever have the opportunity,(before he got all butt hurt and became incommunicado) to tell him what you expected in a life partner? Maybe, with a ' wake up call' he would get in touch with the ambitious side of himself. (Just saying). I'm really writing because I wanted to ask you about how to deal with the damage suffered as a result of an extreme dislike of my own mother (who is long gone). I know I haven't given you much to go on. I think, for me, the damage is too severe and there is no fixing but your story gives me the faintest bit of hope…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 13, 2014 at 9:58 am

      I had tried to talk to him about his life before. He wasn’t happy, but he wasn’t doing anything to change it. It wasn’t my place to tell him what to do, but I definitely tried to gently nudge him towards change, and honestly, I don’t think he was capable of handling more in his life than what he already does. When you grow up the way we did, you get damaged, each in their own ways. 🙁

      Hum, well, that isn’t much to go on you’re right lol. I don’t know what the situation is, but it is never too late to change your life. If you want to give me a little more detail, when you are ready, we can chat some more 🙂

  • harryd
    February 22, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    I have a lot of respect and admiration for you and I believe that you will achieve most of your desires, wishes, objectives…Whatever the appropriate words are…I would say 'all' but I don't want to sound too unrealistic.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 23, 2014 at 7:13 am

      Thank you very much 🙂

  • Anonymous
    February 27, 2014 at 11:37 am

    I really feel where you are coming from. Love can not be regarded as an investment that can accrue interests and then when it is time for the guy to claim, he just does it because he has a claim on you. It should instead be a mutual feeling that you get in the right place and at the right time. The right guy at the wrong time can end up being wrong also as the timing clouds all the virtue and goodness he has. Wait for love, it will pursue you at the right time.I just opened a blog about women in society and this was touching to find an everyday woman in an everyday situation that politicians might not talk about but is just as serious. nexinspire.wordpress.com

  • Bridget
    April 19, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    I completely understand what you're saying with this post. I too found myself dating bad guys and while I was engaged to a particularly abusive one (I wrote a little about him here if you're curious: http://www.iwillbreakthecycle.com/2014/04/06/i-could-have-married-an-abuser/) I met this super nice guy friend. Long story short, when it ended with the abusive guy, this nice guy friend and I attempted a relationship. It lasted just a few days and I completely freaked out. I didn't know how to deal with someone treating me so nice and it scared me more than I've ever been scared in my life. I spent the next year trying to figure out if I really wanted to be with him or if I was just telling myself that I should because he was always so nice to me. I eventually figured out that I had been lying to myself about only wanting to be friends and we're now married.You know deep down whether he's “the one” or not, but it's really important for both of you that you figure that out before moving forward. From your comments though it sounds like you already know. Good luck! Intimacy is scary…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 19, 2014 at 2:36 am

      Aw, I’m glad you guys made it work and are married <3 I love stories like that lol.

      I'll take a look at your article, thanks!

  • Anonymous
    April 27, 2014 at 6:11 pm

    Out of curiosity, of you seen or talked to him since? Perhaps this would be one of the questions I should ask on your new post, because I wonder it often 🙂 You don't need to answer here, I think I will post it as my long standing question:)Nathaliexoxoxox

  • Anonymous
    July 11, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    You are lucky you have such great friends. You may not have been loved or cared for by the generation older than you, but you are a star among people your own age.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      July 11, 2014 at 8:19 am

      Aw, well that’s the sweetest thing ever. Thank you <3

  • Anonymous
    April 28, 2015 at 4:12 am

    After being in relationship with him for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drehijelespellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAILADDRESS IS:drehijelespellspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

  • Sao Luo Bo
    December 16, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    Well!! At least you are honest about what you felt! I really think you should have given him a chance. What I feel, is that you are a stronger person than what you were 2 years back. But why don't you let go. Why do you feel you are so unwanted? May be your childhood was bad. One relationship turned out bad. It was this guy, who had always been there for you. When you had so many bad experience, I feel like he was a breeze of something fresh. Perhaps this was another shot at finding something you truly want, or this is still a chance. I read a book by an Indian Author “Inscrutable Americans”, it was about a guy who travels from India to do his masters in US, and his encounters with Americans from different walks of life. It was a work of fiction well written. May be it's the difference of culture, or the way of life. Or the way we Indians are brought up that makes it difficult for us to understand American way, but we sure are so attracted to the fast paced and glittering life that Hollywood has on offer, that we try to emulate America. Only to find us torn between the two worlds so far apart. On one hand is the family ties that we want to keep intact, on the other hand is the promise of freedom that is offered by American life a carefree environment. But as i read your blogs I realize it's not that free after all. People there are also torn. As I read your blog, a song plays at the back of my head. “Na jane ye kaisi hai diwangi, Kandhe pe lade hue jindagi. Bhatakta hu mai besabab be-nishan, mere sath hai meri awargi”Translation:- I don't know whats this pursuit that's gotten into me, that I am carrying the weight of my life on my shoulders. I am a nomad, falling aimlessly, I only have my vagrancy.”

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