I Learned My Kids Were Weird From Facebook

I was reading through my old Facebook statuses from the last couple year or so and I realized something, my kids are every bit as strange as I am. I now bring you 

“Eden’s life with children, compliments of cut and paste from her Facebook.”

When I picked the boy child up from daycare, I asked him if he had made good choices all day. He looked at me with his guilty face, one raised eyebrow, and said, “Well…..I ‘yistening’ now, so…….you ok?” He ended it with a tone that implied “so, are we gonna be cool?” 

While shopping for pants today I was in the dressing room with the girl child when I started taking my pants off. She very loudly asked “Mommy, why are you going potty in here?” Totally mortified I felt the need to very loudly announce to everyone else in the dressing room “MOMMY IS NOT GOING POTTY, SHE IS JUST TAKING OFF HER PANTS TO TRY OTHER PANTS ON.” The girl child looks at me and then says “No, you are definitely going potty because I can see your butt so you have no underwear on either.” Oh my gosh, kill me now. I can hear everyone else in the dressing room attempting to stifle their laughs. “NO HONEY, MOMMY IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING POTTY IN HERE AND YES I AM WEARING UNDERWEAR, ITS JUST IN A STYLE THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO WEAR WHEN YOU TURN 25.” Congratulations kid, we are now hanging out in here until I can be absolutely sure everyone that is currently shopping has left the store.

Expressing sadness over someone who had just died, I assured a small five year old that they would see this person again in heaven. I was a little suprised when the response was “No I won’t! The man that does the talking at the church said she didn’t go to heaven!” Uh….what? “Only her head went to heaven, he said they were burying her body.”

While I was in the shower, the boy child decorated all my furniture and the couch with a blue crayon. How do I get it off the couch? Also, boy child for sale.

Before the plane took off, the girl child asked me if we were going to fly high enough to meet Jesus. I told her I hoped not on this trip. Then she said “Well, will we at least get a chance to fly outside of the plane?” Well gee kid, I sure as HELL hope not, but if we do, then yes, we will probably also meet Jesus. Meanwhile, in the airport, the boy child made a mad dash away from me and ran directly onto a flight boarding for Kansas. I ran after him, but some woman thought I was cutting the line and blocked me off. The boy child boarded with another family. That was fun. Or not.

I took the boy child out of the bath tub and he was shivering. He looked at me and said “my (boy child’s name) cold. He needs his jacket on.” Then I asked him what he wanted for breakfast and he looked at me, thought about it, and said “my (name) eat cake.”

Thanks to his sister, the boy child now refers to himself as “Big Baby.” “Big Baby is hungry! Big baby wants toys!” It’s really bizarre. Sister has always called him “Baby.” Well now he gets mad and says “I’m big!” so sister started referring to him as “Big Baby.” I laugh and yet at the same time it freaks me out.

I put the boy child in his Mickey costume and put him in front of the mirror. He was all “yay it’s Mickey! BUT OH MY GOSH IT’S MY FACE!!! It’s Mickey…BUT IT’S MY FACE.” He was terrified, it was hysterical. So naturally I did what any good parent does and I took him away from the mirror. Then I got the video camera and you know what? It was just as funny the second time I put him in front of the mirror as it was the first! My mother of the year award should be coming any day now…

I asked the boy child what kind of nuts he wanted with his lunch, walnuts or peanuts, and he looked at me and said “(his name) want eat donuts mommy.”

“Mommy, can my brother and I watch Oven and the chick monks?” Uh kid, I’m fairly certain we do not own a movie by that title.

“Mom, wouldn’t it be great if we had someone that cooked all our food and served it to us?” 
Yea, that would totally rock. Wait a minute. You do have that person. It’s me kid. Thanks for noticing.

My kid is SO weird! Her prayers? “Dear Jesus. Thank you for letting me not end up in jail today. Also, if you want to come pick up my grandma, I think she’s ready for you. Also thanks for letting mommy not yell at me and my brother, she didn’t look like she had much patience today. Amen.”

The girl child is hoarding little piles of my household items so that she can wrap them and have something to give me Christmas morning. Too funny and sweet. I will also be very excited Christmas morning when I get my car keys and glasses back.

I’m messing around on youtube and the girl child nonchalantly asks “Can you please pull up Usher’s Alphabet song?” Apparently Usher has an alphabet song. “U is for Usher.” Kindergarten is so much different than I remember it being….

Talking to my girl child, “Hum…Where are my glasses? I wonder if I made them into the bed.” Her  response; “Well, I will use my sense of touch and feel around for them. I will also make a projection as to who will find them first. Me.” Oh great, she is mouthy, crazy, and nerdy.

Well here’s a new perspective. After tripping and falling to the ground, a slightly embarrassed girl child looked at me and said “don’t worry about it, I just dropped myself on the floor.”

I asked the girl child to put her shoes away and then I asked her to pick her clothes up. She replied “You are making me do too much things!” I tell her that it’s my job to keep her alive, not to be her servant. She responds with “I’m only five years old, why are you treating me this way!?!” This kid is something else, I tell ya. I am NOT looking forward to the teenage years.

“Mommy, I almost touched the electrocube! I could have been electrocubed!!” (Pointing at the electrical outlet.)

“You should have gotten a fun job like at McDonald’s or something.”

“Mommy, what’s 4+4+4+4? Oh wait, it’s 16. So 4+4+4+4+2=18? Does anything else equal 18? Oh I guess 5+5+4+4 does.” Kid stop. You are 5 and in kindergarten. Go chew on a crayon or something.

5:57 am. A little voice whispers in my ear. “Mommy, I’m awake. It’s at the end of 5. Can I do some science in my room?” Well love, thanks for asking, but I’m too tired to figure out what that means and judging by the mere name if it, I’m going to have to go with a “negative” on the room science.

When I asked my daughter to help me put the groceries away, she looked at me and said “I didn’t buy any of these groceries, you did, so I think you should put them away.” I thought about it and then said “silly me, you’re right I did buy them all. I guess I’ll put them away and then I’ll make my lunch. What are you eating for lunch? I didn’t see you buy any groceries at the store today. Seems like poor planning on your part kid.” She stands there for a minute and then replies “Weeeeeell, I guess I could help you put them all away if you want to share your lunch with me. This family should be a team anyways.” Bingo! Life lesson received.

I swear if one more kid asks me a question today my head is going to pop off and shoot into space. I seriously just want to scream “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD JUST SHUT UP” right now, but I won’t. Instead I will give hugs and change all the clocks so that they think its bedtime…..

And last but not least, the two year old boy child was sick a couple of weeks ago and I told him that we needed to go to the doctor. “You take me to doctor?” he asked me. “Yes buddy, we have to take you to the doctor, your nose is sick” I told him. He looked at me for a minute and said “You gonna take my nose to doctor?” “Yep buddy, we are going to take your nose to the doctor.” He looked a bit perplexed and then a bit nervous as he asked me in a worried tone of voice, “mommy, can we take arms and legs to doctor too?” Yes buddy, we will take all of your parts to the doctor at the same time. 

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  • Mzfuzz
    April 19, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    Love it. Your kids are gonna grow up awesome. 😀

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 21, 2014 at 1:24 pm

      Haha, I hope so.

  • Mary Anne
    April 20, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    I especially love the grocery/lunch story! What a hoot!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 21, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      Kids (shakes head)

  • Steven Theiss
    April 20, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    Which of your kids is the budding young scientist? And what kind of science do they like to “do”?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 21, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      My five year old girl child! Well, it’s hard to say. I self admittedly squash a lot of her scientific creativness…

  • afairytale84
    April 21, 2014 at 2:27 am

    Haha. Your kids sound awesome. 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 21, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      Lol, I’m glad. I assure you though, they are definitely crazy. Just like their mother 🙂

  • Anonymous
    April 21, 2014 at 6:43 am

    We were at a HomeTown Buffet (not sure you have those where you are but they're an all you can eat place with bit steam tables of various 'comfort food” items like meatloaf and macaroni and cheese, etc.) and there were two little girls (about 7 and 9, I'd say) and one was saying to the other, “SEE?! -Oh no, wait… OHHHHH, I THOUGHT it said Fried ORCA!” (They were standing in front of the fried okra.) !!! I went back to our table to laugh, I didn't want them to hear me!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 21, 2014 at 1:26 pm

      Haha!! I love overhearing other kids!! That’s funny, thanks for sharing!

  • Anonymous
    April 21, 2014 at 6:43 am

    meant to say “big” steam tables (not “bit”), oops!

  • Bridget
    April 21, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Lol, the doctor one cracked me up. Kids are so funny when they take things literally, it's hard to remember sometimes that they're being serious!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 21, 2014 at 1:26 pm

      Isn’t it funny when they do that!? I had to step back and be like “Oh yea, you are only two years old….”

  • Jon Snow
    April 22, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    I was with my 2 year old on qn airplane in Newark on my way to London banging my head against the window pretty much because we had been delayed for over an hour. You could tell everyone else was annoyed to hell too, so in this that I see my son standing up on his seat next to me, he gets his head up looking at everyone and yells “CAN WE LEAVE NOOWWWWWW????”, everyone starts laughing and one of the passengers says to me “my thoughts exactly”Later on the same trip I'm at my parents house and we are all sitting there watching him run in circles for some reason in the living room, so after the 20th lap or so he trips and falls down, my dad starts laughing while my mom asks him if he is ok. You can see his face he gets mad that his grandpa is laughing and says: “My dad's name” you are a son of a bitch!. My mom goes pale and ultra serious, my dad burst into tears laughing so much and I'm thinking to myself “shit I'm totally gonna get a 3 hour speech from my mom now”.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 22, 2014 at 1:26 pm

      Hahaha!! That’s funny. I have a hard time not laughing when kids swear, I’m awful. Obviously I don’t encourage it and I try to watch my mouth around them, but I can’t help giggle a little bit.

      My daughter was once hiding from me and I thought it would be funny to sneak up on her. Imagine my suprise when she jumped about ten feet and then proclaimed “You bitch! You scared me!”

      Uh oh.

  • Steven Theiss
    April 22, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    I'm a big proponent of getting more girls into science/math, so if you can tell me more about what she is interested in (chemistry, electricity, dinosaurs, etc) maybe I can come up with some stuff she can do safely, with not much oversight from you.I spent a lot of time in my bedroom as a kid, doing electronics projects and blowing out house fuses, so I'd be happy to help a budding scientist!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 22, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      Aw thanks. Well lets see, she is GREAT at math, which is good because I am AWFUL. She is always asking me “Mommy, is x / x + x = y and I have to break out my calculator the check. :/

      She really honestly just likes anything. She is very girly so no bugs or dinosaurs, but she is all about the “projects.” If we mix this and that then will it explode!? Yikes.

      I’d like to steer her away from blowing out the house fuses 😉

  • Steven Theiss
    April 22, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    I have a couple of possible things in mind, but I can see two potential problems:1) In thinking about it, I realized that all science projects (even the simple ones) do require some adult supervision, especially for someone as young as 5. If you would rather not (or don't have the time) then this wouldn't work.2) This would require that I be able to get something to you in the mail. I respect your choice to remain anonymous, but it does present something of a challenge. Is there someone who would accept packages for you (your lawyer, neighbor, etc) or a PO Box you could accept packages at?

  • Steven Theiss
    April 22, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    Obviously, you should feel free to email me if you would rather do that than respond here.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 22, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      Hum, I don’t have any place to mail things too, but I can probably just pick up what I would need at the store, right?

      I can carve out a little time to assist her in some science 🙂 With my new fancy shmancy schedule we have a little bit more quality time to spend with each other!

      Thanks for your help!

  • Anonymous
    April 28, 2014 at 12:00 am

    OK…Oh dear, about kids who are as weird as their parents (or at least one of them)…So, my two daughters, six, and three, take their baths together. Sometimes (I really don't know why) they fight, and I tell myself, they are never bathing together again…And then, there are times…So, I usually take the time to fold laundry when they're in the bath. I love their help with laundry, but sometimes, I just want to get it done. Often (like ALOT of times) I will hear from the bathroom “Maman, look”, and usually it's bubbles on my youngest head, that my eldest put on her – and they're pretty proud of this…But, one time, they said, in a more excited than usual, “Maman, you got to come see”…I walk in the bathroom (OK, so I'm recounting this story, and spit all over my laptop from laughter just now – OK all wiped up), my youngest…(still spitting from laughter) has two teacups stuck on each of her buttcheeks, waving them around. I thought to myself, there just as weird as me. :)Nathaliexoxoxox

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 27, 2014 at 1:26 pm

      I put my kids in the tub together while I fold laundry too! Small world I tell ya.

      I want to know how you even get teacups to stick to your butt cheeks…

  • Sara A.
    April 29, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    Next time your sink is draining slowly, show her how to make a drain volcano instead of reaching for the Drano. Stuff some baking soda into the drain and then pour some white vinegar down after it. The ensuing reaction cleans the drain and looks cool. Plus its an acid/base reaction that is safe for he to play with. When I started to make “experiments,” my mother started teaching me to bake and cook. She didn't explain the chemistry to me, but it did channel my energy to a constructive end. Also most handicrafts are math applications. Quilting, sewing, knitting, crochet, and carpentry are all applications of geometry and teach important life skills and would be a way for you to encourage her interests and bond. Most “women's work” is applications of science and math. You cook and clean with chemistry and physics, play music and do crafts with math. The reason there aren't many girls in STEM fields has to do with how they teach it.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 29, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      Ha! Oh my gosh what a genuis idea! With my luck the entire pipe would explode, but I’m willing to give it a whirl 🙂

      That’s really interesting about how we teach our girls and the applicable skills really needed for what we do.

      Very interesting point you have made there my friend….

  • Charisma
    June 8, 2014 at 2:37 am

    Your daughter is so smart! I come from an abusive family but I want to be an awesome mom like you too someday :). Thanks for showing that it is possible.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 8, 2014 at 1:26 pm

      Aw thanks! I’m sure you will be an awesome mom too 🙂 People who understand where they came from and are actively trying to break the chain and live a different way have some really awesome lessons to teach their kids 🙂 You can do it!

  • Charisma
    June 10, 2014 at 12:04 am

    Thanks!! 🙂

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