What It Means When Your Parents Find Out They Aren’t Legally Married

Do you guys want to hear the funniest story ever? Of course you do! After I told the story about the time I got a chance to give my ex a taste of his own medicine, I thought maybe you guys might like to hear about the time I got to give my mother a big old spoonful of hers. Sound interesting?

I thought so.

Now my brothers and I, as different as we may be, were all cut from the same cloth of “very twisted humor.” Anytime you get the three of us in a room together it’s a never ending slap stick comedy show.

Brother

For example, my father owns an accounting firm and every year when tax time rolls around, they throw a huge tax party for our entire extended family. We would all sit around, eat, joke, and one by one make our way into my father’s home office to get our taxes done. A couple of years ago, I think probably the last one that I attended, roughly forty of us are sitting around a Tetris style creation of tables that made one large table, and we are about to eat. My mother announces that we are going to say a prayer and everyone quiets down. Everyone that is, except for one of my brother’s who is loudly talking on his phone. He is looking at his shoes and carrying on and on with his conversation until I kick him under the table. He looks up, realizes that everyone is looking at him, looks slightly embarrassed, and in an attempt to save face, says “Oh…I gotta go. I just realized that I am talking very loudly on the phone and everyone is looking at me. Just put some cream on it and try not to scratch it.”

I see the look on my grandma’s face and I take the opportunity to jump in with “Oh don’t worry, that’s just his girlfriend.”

My other brother doesn’t miss a beat and replies “Yea, sorry dude, I didn’t know I was contagious.”

And that my friends, was my family.

My Grandma and brother

So my mother, she just LOVES to judge. If you ever meet her I am going to warn you right now, she is always right, you are always wrong, and she knows this because Jesus told her so.

Who can argue with Jesus?

I tried once. My mother told me I was going to hell because I got divorced and I told her that I didn’t have time to discuss it now, but we would have all of eternity to get into it while we burned in flames together.

“What? I’m not going to hell” she said.

“Hum. I’m not so sure about that mother, I believe it was Jesus who said he will judge you as you have judged others.”

“Eden, stop that. Jesus and I have an understanding.”

“Oh, did he tell you that at church on Sunday? Because I haven’t seen you there in a while” I shot back.

“Eden, they changed the sermon and now its 15 minutes longer. I can’t sit that long.”

“Funny. I thought it was Jesus who asked his disciples “Can you not even stay awake while I pray?”

“EDEN STOP THAT.”

“Ok mother. I just thought that since you missed church on Sunday, I’d catch you up on what Jesus meant when he said ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone.’ “

“Eden!! Don’t you dare say that!! You should be grateful that you have mother who cares about your salvation. Do you really think that you can just walk around living in sin? Well you can’t! I refuse to let you taint me! I know what Jesus has in store for sinners like you and it’s not eternity in heaven with me!”

She hangs up the phone.

I would like to add, that eternity with her most certainly would not be heaven, so she may be at least partly onto something there….

Anyways, so, what do you get when you have a know it all mother who ALWAYS does right in the eyes of the Lord, and her three quick witted children?

Brother

You get situations like this;

One of my brothers was going to England and my mother wanted to get a passport as well in case something happened and she needed to fly over there. Apparently there was a tiny little snag while attempting to get her passport. Why she decided to bring this up at the dinner table instead of in a private conversation with my father, I’m not sure.

“Uh…honey,” she says to my father, “I went to get my passport today and…there was a little problem with my social security number. Well, actually, it was more like a problem with my last name.” (I can’t remember the exact details of how the story went, something about a problem with her social security card and the records department and the clerks office and ……)   Honey, we aren’t legally married.”

A collective gasp sweeps over the dinner table. Eyes darted around as my brothers and I make eye contact with each other. No one says a word for a full two minutes, which is a really long time when no one is breathing. My father cracks the silence first. “Of course we are married. I was there. I married you. We have pictures.”

“Uh…no. You were at our wedding. There seems to be a problem with the actually legality of the marriage. Somehow our marriage license wasn’t filed.”

Trying, trying, trying, nope, can’t do it. I just can’t resist. I can’t hold back any longer. Tried, failed. “YOU AREN’T MARRIED!!???” I blurt out.

A flood gate of questions and accusations erupts from my brothers and I in a wave of words that overcomes not only the silence of the room, but the “sanity” of my mother.

“You have been using a false identity! Dad, you are an accountant and you filed as married! That’s tax fraud! You have a false ID as your drivers licence! You have a fraudulent credit card! Does dad owe you child support? I wonder what grandma will say when she finds out you’ve been sleeping with your boyfriend all these years!”

Seriously though, how does someone go 30 years without finding out they aren’t legally married and getting by with an apparent false name?

It goes on and on. I wait until it dies down and everyone has settled back into their shocked silence and then I say it. I shouldn’t have, I know it was evil, but I can’t help myself.

“Do you guys know what this means?”

“I hope Jesus can forgive you for living in sin all these years and producing three illegitimate children out of it. That’s us, one big happy heathen household!”

My Grandma and her three “bastard” grandchildren.

The color literally drains from her face before goes fleeing from the table as if satan’s flames were actually nipping at her heels.