When Everything Is Just Not Ok


**Ok, little disclaimer here, not sure why, but one glass of wine has made me a little bit fuzzy brained tonight…probably because it’s 9:02pm and I haven’t eaten since like 11am, but still that’s really unlike me. Anyways… forgive my spelling and grammar errors as I quickly wrote this post this morning figuring I would edit it tonight…and now…yea. In other news….I feel great!!!**

So…..I bet you are all wondering what has been going on since my crazy ex shot out my daughter’s window, right?

Well, I’m not trying to keep anyone in suspense, I just don’t have much to tell. I didn’t go into much detail in the last post, but the cop that showed up was actually really nice. My daughter was hiding under my son’s crib when he showed up. I explained to him that the last time she had seen the police was back in October when they stormed the house and ran into her room with their guns drawn, thoroughly freaking her out. The cop got down on the floor and whispered to her “what are we hiding from?” She whispered back “I’m hiding from you!”

“Hiding from me!?” he exclaimed. “Why are you hiding from me!? Am I scary? I don’t want to be scary!” Then he looked in the mirror and pretended to freak out at his reflection. Once he had both of the kids laughing, my daughter slowly crept out from under the bed. He got down to her level and told her “I’m here to help you, you don’t need to be afraid of me, I’m here to help.”

With that my boy child grabbed his hand, led him over to the corner of his room, pointed to a broken light, and said “I need you help me fix my white (light).” Then, to my surprise, the cop FIXED it. Score!

After that he took a look at the house, confirmed that it had been shot, and asked me a bunch of questions. His exact words were “if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s a duck. We both know your ex did this but unfortunately we have no proof.”

Before he left he handed me his business card with his cell phone number written on it and told me that he had just transferred from another unit and would be “working my block” from now on, so if I needed anything I should call 911 and then call him directly.

About twenty minutes after he left, he called me and told me that he just wanted to let me know that my kids had really made his day and that he was serious about wanting to keep my family safe. That is really sweet and significantly better treatment than I’ve gotten from anyone else in my county, but still, I’m scared.

Aside from fleeing the town and assuming a new identity, there isn’t much that I can do about it. I have a home alarm, I moved myΒ 911 phoneΒ next to my bed, I’ve talked with the neighbors, alerted the police, and yet, I feel absolutely unsafe. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what else I can do. Thanks to a few of you awesome readers my new camera for the outside should be arriving soon, which is awesome, but it scares me to think that I have to wait until something else happens to be able to stop him. It terrifies me actually.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what I can do.

In the meantime, the girl child is still sleeping on the floor since I can’t afford to fix her window and the layout of her room means the only place that the bed can go is against her nearly floor length window.

Apparently now not only does she sleep on her floor, but she falls asleep in slippers while huffing scented candles

Remember how I told you guys that when my ex left I had sold nearly everything that I owned except for essential furniture? Well, now I’ve gotten to the point where I am now selling the essential furniture. I sold my bed, the armchair, and the bedding set in my room to try and make a little money to get the window fixed.

Who knew window’s were so expensive! I’ve had people out here all week quoting and the lowest quote that I got was several hundred dollars more than I have. Ugh. UGH.
Since there really isn’t anything I can do about that right now, I’ve just been trying to keep my mind off of it.
Thanks to a scholarship that significantly reduced the class fees, the girl child was finally able to get back into ballet, a passion that while I possess, I’ve been pretty excited to see her seek out on her own. It is actually really funny to watch her because she is by far the tiniest person in her class.

The boy child was gifted a trip to the children’s museum for his birthday, where we spent most of our time “biwding sings for mommy (building things for mommy)”
I live about three minutes from my town’s downtown area, where during the summer they hold different events three times a week. Friday nights they have family movie night in the park. “Movie night” meaning the entire fire department comes so that the kids can climb on and in the trucks, food vendors bring their food trucks, the park district runs activities and games, music plays, and businesses attend to give away various trinkets and toys that I desperately try and steer my kids away from, because really, how many beach balls and plastic fire hats does one family really need?Β 
My friends and neighbors meet there where we have a picnic dinner and once the sun goes down, the movie starts. We love it and because it is free, it is one of the only times that I feel like my kids are able to have the same experience’s as everyone around them without having to be some sort of “charity child.”

Aside from continuing on in our daily lives, I don’t know what else to do except to keep moving forward from this situation. I feel like I should be doing something, something to keep us all safe and to secure a better life for us, but I don’t know what to do. I’m completely lost and to be honest, it doesn’t feel very good.
The only thing that I know how to do is to not let the kids know that mommy is completely freaking out. To keep going to ballet, to keep attending the festivals, to keep having play dates at the park, to continue on as if nothing is wrong.
I so desperately just want to make everything ok for them. I want to know how to make my ex go away, I want to be able to afford to fix her window, I want to just be a “normal” family living a safe and happy life. I just want to give them the lives that they deserve, but I don’t know how to make everything ok for them, because I don’t even know how to make everything ok for myself.
I’m not sure how long I can keep this up.

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54 Comments

  • Anonymous
    June 18, 2014 at 3:14 am

    I'm so glad that you had a nice cop and that he was so great with the kids. I think it was so nice of him to give you his cell number also.I wish there was something I could say or do that would help you feel safe again. I wish your ex could just be locked up so that you wouldn't have to worry about him again. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.That last picture of your two kids cuddling is absolutely adorable. I think my heart melted into a puddle of goo when I saw it.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 18, 2014 at 2:44 pm

      Thank you πŸ™‚ I appreciate your thoughts and prayers <3

  • Anonymous
    June 18, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Don't bbs leave little holes? Could clear packing tape suffice, or plexiglas cut at the hardware store? Looks less than great, but it would work.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 18, 2014 at 2:44 pm

      It cracked completely in two pieces. The window guy said it must have hit exactly where the glass meets the frame and just impacted the glass on a straight line πŸ™

  • Anonymous
    June 18, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    I don't know if anyone has ever suggested this before, but I would like to put my two cents in at this point. I recently discovered your blog and have spent the last two weeks reading it in its entirety. I just couldn't seem to put it away or read one article and go on about my life. Something about you, something about the way you write, and something about how you tell your story grabs me and I am officially hooked now.Now, I have a small suggestion. If you don’t think it will help then I am okay with that. Have you ever thought about taking a karate, or self-defense class? I was in karate for 4 years, and I can tell you if you have some sweet ninja moves on your side, you feel a lot safer. It isn’t that you have to use them to defend your house; it’s… hard to explain. I guess you could relate it to your strip class. Your class gives you confidence about your body in the sense that its okay to have scars and still be sexy. Karate gives you confidence about your body in the sense that if you ever have to defend yourself, protect your kids, you will know how to use your body to do it. The kind of karate that I took was not for competitions, or to have the ability to beat someone up. It was for if someone ever came at you, you would know how to defend yourself. In fact the classes often emphasized that this was for defense. Sure you learned how to beat up on a person, but time after time the move to strike someone, was AFTER a move to defend yourself. I don’t know if this will help you, I just thought that if you were feeling insecure in your own home, maybe it would help if you felt more secure in your body.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 18, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      Welcome to the blog!! So happy to have you here πŸ™‚

      Growing up, my brother was actually a big time karate guy. He practiced Shotokant. He won the Pan American games a few times. I took it for a while, made it to my orange belt, and learned, I WAS TERRIBLE. I’m a dancer and I couldn’t even get my Kata’s down. I am just completely useless when it comes to organized thoughts and fighting. I still have a mean roundhouse kick and can throw and pull a good punch, but my gosh anything else I just scream and run away.

      Oh karate and your horse stance exercises….those were the days…and the Gi. So hot. My gosh was that thing hot haha. I swear I remember learning something called a “chicken head neck” where you can poke someone’s eyes out….but I have yet to find anyone who can concur with learning that move….

      With that being said, I can’t wait to get my little guy into it. I think it will teach him the respect and discipline that he might need not having a father. I think it will be good for him to learn how to defend himself while also learning how not to pick fights, since Karate is more about defense rather than starting fights.

      πŸ™‚

      Thanks for being on this journey with me

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    June 18, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    Eden,I think you are doing an amazing job. Most people would not have been able to get through a tenth of what you have and look at you! You're kids are in ballet, going to movies in the park, you ARE doing it! You are giving them the childhood they dreamed of, so don't feel like you are failing them. I don't have any good advice, but look at those two snuggling. Whatever you are doing, it's working.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 18, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      Aw, thanks πŸ™‚

      I can only hope

  • Mzfuzz
    June 19, 2014 at 12:18 am

    Dang, Eden. You posted when I was out of town, so I couldn't reply quicker. Life (and the things it throws at us) can be SO overwhelming at times. I don't even pretend to understand what you're going through. But what I heard in what you wrote is that you're trying to be normal (and when I read normal, what I interpreted was perfect/not broken), and you're gauging that by looking at the people around you who appear to have whatever version of normal it is you're looking for.What I've learned is that NOBODY is normal. Nobody has exactly the life they want, or think they should have, or that other people tell them they should have, or that they planned for. People look at me in a stable, well-paying job, owning my own home, doing the things I love to do like travelling, hiking, gardening, etc….And they think I'm normal. But they can't see that I was molested as a kid, raped as a 20-yr old, that I made all sorts of shitty decisions for myself and got married and divorced over it and now my ex stalks me, that I'm a sex addict, that I spent 2 years in intensive therapy to learn how to feel simple emotions, etc etc etc. Don't aim for everyone else's normal, Eden. Aim for your own. You are doing the absolute best you can with what you have, and that's all that anyone can do. That's all any of us do. I can't show you a light at the end of the tunnel…Or even promise you that there is one. Or say all the inane bullshit about “this can't last forever.” What I can say is that you're not in the tunnel by yourself. Wherever the tunnel goes, you're not going there alone. *hugs*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 18, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      Yes, you are right. I need to stop looking at “normal” and just keep working on “happy.”

      Thank you for the much needed perspective πŸ™‚

      So, did you go anywhere fun when you went out of town??

  • Mzfuzz
    June 19, 2014 at 1:28 am

    The funny thing about perspective is that the best source always seems to be someone else (maybe there's a riddle in there somewhere?)!Work sent me on an overnight trip to Glenwood Springs. It's a cool little mountain town famous for it's hot springs. I didn't make it to the springs, but I did manage a lovely drive in the nearby countryside, and took my Prius to the highest paved road in the state (only 12,095 ft). πŸ˜€ The view was lovely. The spring has been very wet, so for a wonder, the whole countryside is green. I enjoyed seeing things that way instead of dry and brown like it usually is. And I got a paid roadtrip, and wasn't at my desk for a day and a half. So all in all, I'd say it was a success. πŸ™‚

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 18, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      Ha, I’m sure there is a motivational quote just begging to be born from that one!

      That sounds really nice! I will fully admit to being jealous.

  • Anonymous
    June 19, 2014 at 7:35 am

    Just wanted to say, about the room layout/bed situation, that surprisingly enough, there is rarely any room in a house (bathroom excepted of course), no matter how ill-conceived or limited by circumstances the design set-up is, where there is truly only “one place” to put something (bed, dresser, table, etc.) in it. Although often, due to poor design, it can certainly appear that way. (I.e., one wall has a door, one a closet, one a window, etc., etc.) Thing is, most people just always make the mistake of thinking that furniture always needs to go against something (i.e., wall, window, etc.) Furniture can be diagonal, freestanding, etc., etc. So perhaps her bed really could be put somewhere else if you get creative and use some inspiration to reshuffle things (and it would certainly be better than sleeping on the floor indefinitely!) Even if you open the closet doors up and put the head of the bed up against the back of the closet wall (not if it's a tiny one but if it's a wall wide one) it might work, and most little kid clothes don't hang down very far from the closet rod anyway (and I'll bet, given your finances, that it isn't full anyway, right? So you could part the clothing and have some on each side of the bed?) so there's a unique option you probably didn't consider. (Although it might not work if it's a single door narrow coffin closet of course.) But there are other ideas, you could use your imagination and relocate the bed at least temporarily. Because even if not ideally placed within the space, a bed would still be better than the floor, even if the bed isn't situated where you think it is “best.” Just a suggestion! You could even sketch a layout of the room and ask a local “home stager” for their opinions about reshuffling her room furniture to change the bed location because of the window situation… they always have unique and creative ideas about furniture placement. (And they are often bored and just sitting around waiting to be consulted, so they may not mind giving a bit of free advice like that. Never hurts to ask!) Their goal in moving furniture and staging things is to make the room look larger/roomier and more welcoming/appealing and/or striking and/or cozy, so as to help sell a home, but hey, that's not a bad approach, right? (Any which way, they could still probably help you rethink the “bed will only fit in one spot in the whole room because of the layout” theory.) I just think your daughter would sleep better in her bed (even if you stand it in the exact center of her room and work around it!) Just some thoughts for you there! πŸ™‚

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 19, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      I need to get a few guys in here I think to help me rearrange her room. The problem is there is WAY to much furniture in there and it is heavy stuff! The other issue is that the bed was built in the spot it is in πŸ™ When the window guys came to quote, they couldn’t even figure out a way to move the bed over so they had to climb on it to measure.

      room planning fail.

      Putting the bed in the closet isn’t a bad idea except that her closet has a built in organizer and the closet doors touch the bedroom door, so you wouldn’t be able to open the bedroom door if the bed was against the closet.

      I think the biggest issue is that she has a bed that is way to big, with way to much furniture, in a room that only has one wall that isn’t a window, door, or a closet.

      πŸ™

      Thank you so much for your tips though!! I really couldn’t care less how it asthetically looks for now, I just need to be able to actually get into the room lol

  • Anonymous
    June 19, 2014 at 9:01 am

    Your blog wreaks of fake and false stories. Something weird here.

  • Anonymous
    June 19, 2014 at 11:26 am

    You have a big-ass house. Why don't you put her in a different room? Or let her sleep with you until it's fixed?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 19, 2014 at 2:49 pm

      I offered to let her sleep in her brother’s room but she replied “Why do I have to sleep in another room if I’m still sleeping on the floor?” (she won’t sleep downstairs on the couch by herself)

      Good point kid.

      I hadn’t put her in my room because I go to bed so much later than she does and wake up several hours earlier (she sleeps really lightly) but I guess I could sleep in the living room! Either way, it mostly comes down to the fact that she isn’t in her own bed, where she belongs, because someone shot her window. Plus, she’s a kid, kids sleep on the floor sometimes, it goes with the territory, it’s just the context of the situation and why she is doing it that sucks.

  • Mzfuzz
    June 19, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Your spelling reeks of mispellings. Something lame here.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 19, 2014 at 2:48 pm

      haha Mzfuzz!!

  • Anonymous
    June 19, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    I don't understand why it's not your landlord's responsibility to pay for the window repair/replacement? Have you reached out to him? That doesn't make any sense. It wasn't your fault that the window was hit by a BB gun. There are reports on the news all the time about kids causing damage by shooting at cars, etc.

  • Anonymous
    June 19, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    you don't have a landlord when you own your home. Eden owns her home, and if ur townhouse Association is anything like mine, their insurance does not cover windows.

  • Anonymous
    June 19, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    Oh, I wasn't aware that she owned her own home. I got the impression, based on her posts that she wasn't financially well off enough where she would have ever been in a position to purchase her own home. In this case, would this not be covered by her homeowners insurance?

  • Anonymous
    June 19, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    It's the home her and her husband had together. She commented somewhere else that her homeowners insurance would cover it but it was nearly the same price as her deductible. In that case I wouldn't put it through insurance at all BC it would still make your rates go up

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 19, 2014 at 2:49 pm

      Haha! Well it looks like you already did a great job answering all the questions. Thanks!

  • Anonymous
    June 19, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    It's the home her and her husband had together. She commented somewhere else that her homeowners insurance would cover it but it was nearly the same price as her deductible. In that case I wouldn't put it through insurance at all BC it would still make your rates go up

  • Anonymous
    June 20, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    Could that way too big and heavy furniture be sold (and with the proceeds/profits buy some dainty “girl” furnishings and maybe have enough left over to pay something else with?) Well, just a thought, it doesn't sound like she really needs such oversized clunky things anyway, probably not anything she's all that attached to really, and it might fetch you some bucks. (Hey, the window is broken anyway, you can take the bed right out the window to move it, ha ha!) Really though, there's a lot of cute inexpensive and easily moved kid furniture out there… ?? πŸ™‚

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 21, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      You know I’ve thought about it and I just can’t sell it. It was the furniture that I had when I was growing up, that I clearly spent a lot of time with since I spent so much time in “trouble” and in my room. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I had it refinished but wouldn’t let anyone sand the teeth marks off the corners that my cat had left before he died. It’s got a lot of sentimental value and I want her to have it, which is why it’s all smashed into her room haha.

      Thanks for the idea though!! If it wasn’t sentimental I would totally sell it!

      • NotMyShametoBear
        June 21, 2014 at 2:46 pm

        You know I’ve thought about it and I just can’t sell it. It was the furniture that I had when I was growing up, that I clearly spent a lot of time with since I spent so much time in “trouble” and in my room. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I had it refinished but wouldn’t let anyone sand the teeth marks off the corners that my cat had left before he died. It’s got a lot of sentimental value and I want her to have it, which is why it’s all smashed into her room haha.

        Thanks for the idea though!! If it wasn’t sentimental I would totally sell it!

  • Anonymous
    June 20, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    Wait, was that Irene? (What IS her problem anyway? Well, besides not being able to distinguish between wreaks and reeks…) !!!!

  • afairytale84
    June 20, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    I've been out of town and am only just now reading this.I hate that you have to pay for the damaged window. I just…it makes no freaking sense to me that someone can shoot your house and YOU have to foot the bill. Ugh. I have no words. You are doing an amazing job raising your kids. Don't ever doubt that. When you say you feel you should be doing something, remind yourself that you ARE doing something. You got the (really awesome – finally! I'm so glad you got a good one this time.) cop involved. You've got a camera coming. You're showing your kids that you're taking action to keep them safe. That's HUGE for a kid. I remember nights when I was cowering in fear of my father and my mother did nothing; and I remember nights when I was cowering in fear of my father and my mother stood up to him and told him to get out. She couldn't do much at the time given our situation, but she could get him out of the house for a while. She could let me sleep with her when he was out.Even if you can't get your ex in jail right now or anything like that, you're showing your kids that you can do something. They'll know you're doing everything you can.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 21, 2014 at 2:49 pm

      thanks hun πŸ™‚ I sure how they know that I tried when they get older. Kudo’s to your mom for doing the best that she could πŸ™‚

      Thank you πŸ™‚

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    June 22, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    sorry for stalking, but I was curious and so..there's only one american man who's won the pan american karate games more than once, and he's not 26 or 24. I'm not trying to rat you out in any way Eden, it just doesn't make sense to me.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 22, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      Hum….well to be honest I’m not sure then. ? It was the youth division, not the adult. I know that we went and he won and then several years later he went again and he won again, and that was something about him qualilfying to try out for the olympic team, but other than that I don’t know. Seems like every weekend there was some tournament somewhere so there is a good chance I’m mistaken. I personally only went to one Pan American games so maybe I’m mistaken on the other one’s.

      I know you aren’t stalking lol. If I had anything to hide I’d just delete your comment, but I’m going to be honest and say that maybe I am mistaken!

      • NotMyShametoBear
        June 22, 2014 at 2:45 pm

        Actually, I don’t know if there are seperate youth/adult games, but he was a youth at the time.

        Now I’m just confused lol. I really couldn’t have cared less about karate so I wasn’t really paying attention. I just got tired of hearing my father telling anyone who would listen about my brother’s winnings.

        πŸ™‚

  • Anonymous
    June 22, 2014 at 11:19 pm

    <3

  • Anonymous
    June 22, 2014 at 11:21 pm

    It's possible that your brother took a medal, maybe a bronze or silver, and then several years later took a gold. I know you said your brother is like 28ish now and I'm assuming that if you traveled there with your family when you were younger that his winnings could have been spanned out over quite some time. Or I could be wrong, I'm just trying to help clear up your confusion!

  • Anonymous
    June 23, 2014 at 3:46 am

    Since it has sentiment for you, why don't you share it with her? πŸ™‚ Why don't you move some of it into YOUR (now fairly bare) room? She will know she will have it someday of course, but for right now, moving a piece or two out of there instead of having it all crammed in together (while the lonely bed in your underfurnished room is screaming for some fellow furniture to keep it company…) would help both of you. It would free up some space in her room for rearrangement, and would add a bit of comfort to YOUR room (not quite so stark in there…) Kind of a win-win situation! (Might even make you feel good having it around you again right now, since it seems to have positive vibes for you?) She can still see it in your room and know it's still there for her but she can also enjoy not being so cluttered in hers. ?!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 24, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      Geesh, I never even thought to move some of it to my room; that seems so obviously obvious. I needed you like a week ago lol!!!

      Stay tuned for my big reveal of what I ended up doing with my bedroom…. πŸ˜‰

  • Anonymous
    June 29, 2014 at 9:07 am

    You had a queen (full?) bed as a little kid…I don't understand what your childhood was like… I know your family was well-off, and you had a book published as a teenager (?!) but you also couldn't afford food at one point and had to take care of two brothers? Your high school english teacher told you maybe you should become a gas station attendant, which really doesn't make sense to me seeing as how you family was wealthy AND you were already a published author. So did you grow up in a nice meighborhood with a lot of material wealth? Was your school nice? You learned graciousness somewhere. What is your relationship to religion like? You never mention faith in your discussions of healing from trauma, even though you go to church and religion must play a role in your strength. You did a lot of activities when you were young, including swim, ballet, and piano. That sounds high-class to me. But you were also a street kid. My mind is bulging, it's like you're two different people fused in one! You had the financially struggling side with family problems and runaways and drug dealing(?), but then the clearing upper-middle class side of your refined activities, your fame in writing (btw were you famous enough that a random person might have heard of you?), and your nice furniture. So much packed into one life, and so much of it at extreme ends. How did all of that happen? What were the transitions like? like where did being famous and on a billboard fit with living under a bridge, and how did you go to college without your parents' financial support?

  • Anonymous
    June 29, 2014 at 11:19 am

    Wow, way to interrogate someone! If you would have payed closer attention you would have had most of your questions answered. She said her parents had money. She also said her mom was Im and out of the house because of a mental illness and her dad didn't always come home. That would explain the lack of and very candidly talks about how it was then that she took care of her brothers. She lived on the street sometimes because she ran away. Do you think she took her parents credit card and checked into the ritz? She also talks about going to college on an academic scholarship and from what I've read she is exceedingly smart. Her very first post talks about how people assume that abused kids can't be dressed nice and in social activities and in another post talks about how her parents put her in those things for their own appearance. You don't know what year her book came out and what year her teacher.basically called her stupid. Some teachers and just jealous of what they don't have and it wouldn't be far off from a person to berate someone they were jealous of.I could go on and on but quite frankly Eden has already answered most of these questions. Maybe you should spend a little less time skimming and a little more time actually reading

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 29, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      You have to remember this is a blog, a collection of memoirs, not a chronological autobiography.

      I don’t appreciate being interrogated like the above commenter said, especially, as they also point out, most of the answers are already in the blogs.

      Yes, as I have said several times before, my family did have money. Actually, the above commenter did a great job (thank you!) of answering most of your questions already. My mother had/has a severe mental illness she was in and out of the house for long periods of time. When she was gone, my father usually was too. Those are the times where I cared for my brothers and we didn’t have food.

      Yes, I had bedroom furniture and participated in many different activities. I even had friends over to play as I got older. Some things/activities were for my parents repuation (we had to leave our bedroom doors open when company came over so that they could see how nice our rooms were if they went upstairs. Wierd, definitely) and some were just because my mother was on an upswing. Every single moment was not bad. There were a few good family vacations, I was not abandon on all of them like the one I wrote about. There were moments when I knew my parents were trying, but just as most abused people will tell you, it’s a cycle and unfortunately the good doesn’t usually outweigh the bad. It was also compounded by the fact that my mother has a significant mental illness and several personality disorders. Nothing was a constant, everything was ever changing.

      I chose to run away when things got bad. Sleeping on the streets had nothing to do with my parents financial status. I was never a drug dealer. I knew a few, I unknowingly married one, but I have never even so much as smoked.

      I hope that answers at least a few of your questions, the rest would require longer discussions and explanations and to be honest, throwing 15 questions at someone in such a direct and interrogative manner is not very polite, especially when most of the answers are already in the blogs.

  • Anonymous
    June 29, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Eden I can't even believe you responded to them. Why do people feel like they have a right to be so rude? Most if not all of those questions have already been answered, several times before, in this blog. Clearly they have been reading it, maybe they should take some time to comprehend it too.

  • Anonymous
    June 29, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    Actually, I feel like Eden's openness about her life encourages personal questions like the ones above. If she weren't prepared for those, then she might have been more careful about the details of her life. Talking about your parents though is kind of a minefield. Even if there is no doubt they were abusive, you know there can always be accusations like “you were too young to know what you're talking about” and “suck it up,” since people who complain about their parents are usually seen as brat or ungrateful or immature.

  • Anonymous
    June 29, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    I feel like Eden has been extremely open and generous with answering all of our questions. Firing off a huge list of questions in a rather pointed and accusatory manner is just rude, especially when Eden gets trolled as hard as she does. This seemed less like “let me ask you a question I don't understand” and more like “explain yourself.” Eden Being open and us choosing to read in no way means we have a right to every detail of her life and Im no way does she owe us anything

  • Anonymous
    June 29, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Yes… that is the thing about the internet these days. People are more suspicious because literally anyone with internet access can pretend to be anything. So proving yourself to be real is something every internet persona has to do and skepticism is the default attitude…

  • Anonymous
    June 29, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    Very true, but still in no way does Eden owe us proof, we choose to read and I don't think there will ever be enough proof to satisfy everyone. I couldn't prove most of my childhood, especially if I was trying to maintain anonyminity

  • Chrissi
    June 30, 2014 at 12:02 am

    I agree with a few of the above posters. Eden has opened her life up and there will be questions, but the way that the first person asked, it wasn't out of curiosity, it was as a few people have said, rude, especially when yes, most of those answers are in the blogs.I think that people forget that it is them that chooses to read. When did people start to think they were OWED answers, when it is them who chooses to read? I find it a priviledge to be let into someone's life, Eden doesn't owe us ANYTHING. Just because skepticism exists it doesn't mean we have a right to answers about someone's personal life. We aren't buying a subscription here, we are utilizing a free blog. That's like getting a free sample and demand that it be in a larger size.

  • Anonymous
    June 30, 2014 at 12:34 am

    It is true that people choose to read. That's why I don't understand when people criticize her grammar or say she is fake. But also, she does have to do something to keep her readers. Companies have to make accomodations to keep customers happy, and bloggers have to post regularly if they want readers to come back to their blog. It is a bit like a two-way street in the sense that the writer wants people to hear what she has to say, and the readers want to be able to comment on it and for it to be interesting, otherwise the writer loses her audience. It is a little bit more one-directional though since Eden doesn't sell anything or run ads, although there is a donate button. all about customer relations.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 19, 2014 at 2:48 pm

      Oops, sorry. I saw a comment go to spam and tried to move it to “published” and deleted it. As weird as this conversation is for me to read, whoever it was that was posting is welcome to re-post their comment.

  • Anonymous
    June 30, 2014 at 12:55 am

    I think that was mine because I don't see it hear. I don't even remember what I said exactly. Just that you post three times a week and as far as I can tell you do engage the readers, you have asked several times what we want more of, you posted the hole “ask any questions you want” post and answered even the hard questions and you always comment back. Even companies have to draw the line somewhere with their customers and I don't think it's fair that people rudely feel like they can ask you a laundery list of questions, almost in a demanding form, and expect that you will just bow down and answer them. Companies accomodate their customers but they don't just lay down and roll over to them either.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 29, 2014 at 2:48 pm

      Yes, sorry it was your comment. For some reason it was in the spam box and wouldn’t let me publish it. I tried to copy/paste it directly to the post and I don’t know where it went.

      I love all my readers, I am happy to answer questions when I can, but since this blog is not a job for me and I do write it with my anonymity in mind, I can’t possibly explain every detail of my life here. Every detail will probably not always add up because there is just no way for me to write everything down and the details would bore you to death.

      For example, I said that the furniture was mine when I was younger. What was excluded was “The furniture was mine when I was younger except for her bed which is actually her crib that converted to a full size bed which is way to big for her room and I wish I had never done that.” You would all get bored and be like “why is she telling me stupid details,” details which for the most part ore irrelevant to the larger picture. Yet then there are the few people who are like “whoa whoa wait, you had a big bed when you were younger!?” It was not me intentionally hiding anything, it was me thinking “I don’t want to get rid of the two dressers, nightstand, and desk in her room because they were mine when I was younger.”

      There will always be things that without the ENTIRE background will not make sense to you, but I simply cannot go into that much detail.

      Well, I’m out, feel free to continue chatting and as always, thank you for reading.

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    July 2, 2015 at 8:53 pm

    you are a dancer. you are graceful and fluid. Anon brought up a great point about self defenses. Since you are terrible at Karate. ( i was too), you should look into ju jitzu. it was created for the smaller person. My husband has been teaching our girls and our boys ju jitzu since my oldest was about 5. Here is a link that I believe will really help you.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikoUEjb3qP4 you can look at all of his videos and you will learn a LOT.I will continue to pray for you and your family.NIkki ( again this stupid thing wont let me sign in with my google+ id.

  • nichole jenkins
    July 2, 2015 at 9:05 pm

    ok i finally figured it out. yes you should def. check out some sort of ju jitzu classes

    • NotMyShametoBear
      July 2, 2015 at 2:45 pm

      Thanks! I’ll look into it πŸ™‚

      *hugs*

      P.S. I’m glad you got the sign-in figured out!

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