At Least It’s Not An Umbrella


For some people it’s buying a minivan, for others it’s gaining the soccer mom or dad title, and for even more it’s resigning yourself to the mom haircut.

You guys know what I’m talking about, right?

I’m talking about that one moment, that one thing that when finally accepted means that you have officially lost all of your youth and are now old. People fight whatever they consider that moment to be for years in a desperate attempt to not have to face the reality that is aging.

Me?

I refuse to buy an umbrella.

An umbrella people. AN UMBRELLA.

I know, I know, I never claimed to be normal, but do you know who I am convinced buys umbrellas? Responsible parents, prepared business people, mature senior citizens, and  other uptight people who are not me. Do you know who does not buy umbrellas? Children, Irresponsible teenagers, poor college students, weird hippies, delusional happy-go-lucky-awesome-people, and me.

I refuse to buy an umbrella.

That is my moment people, I have not yet lost my youth simply based on the fact that I do not own an umbrella.

(Shush you people and your logical arguments, DON’T RUIN THIS INSANITY FOR ME.)

You see, I already feel old. I’ll admit it, my kids make me feel old.

There, I said it. (I will be awaiting the flaming comments of Internet land.)

Really though, I’m just calling it like I feel it. It’s kind of hard not to feel old when your kid is already well underway in her own childhood. Love my kids, wouldn’t trade them for the world, but they make me feel old.

The other day a friend found, in her basement, a brand new (albeit twenty year old), sing-along book that came with a cassette tape. She told me “I know you won’t use the tape but maybe your Girl Child would use the book.” I took it home, handed the Girl Child the whole thing, and then a few minutes later noticed that she was looking at the tape as if I had just handed her a book written in Chinese.

“Do you know what that is?” I asked her.

“Yea” she replied confidently. “It’s tape!”

“How did you know that” I exclaimed, honestly a little shocked.

With that she grabbed the actual tape film and yanked it right out of the cassette cartridge so fast that it actually made a whizzing noise. “It was really nice of them to give us some tape in case a page in the book ripped!” she exclaimed.

I FELT VERY, VERY, OLD.
Do you see what they do to me?

Today my daughter came running into my room and asked me in an alarmed tone of voice “do you know what time it is!?” Because I am a dork I replied exuberantly “yes I do, it’s Hammer time!!”

With that the boy child chimed in with “and drill time!”

OLD. VERY, VERY, OLD.

So you see now why I simply cannot buy an umbrella? I might feel old, but I’m not actually responsible, prepared,mature, sane, old because I do not yet own an umbrella.

But…I also don’t particularly like to get wet. My hair is like a chia pet, just add water and *poof* it grows. I’m not one of those girls that comes in from the rain looking like a Victoria’s Secret model in a shower photo shoot; t-shirt clinging perfectly to my body, hair glistening with water. Nope, I come in looking like what I would assume shoving Screech from “Saved By The Bell” into a swimming pool might look like; clothes clinging to my scrawny body while sporting a scary white person afro. Yet because I am still in utter denial that I have left my youth, I do not own an umbrella.

All was cool until a few days later when it came time to walk the girl child to school and it was pouring rain. (We live so close that even in the rain it’s not worth driving)

“Wear my raincoat mommy!” said the girl child. “I have two, you wear one and I will wear the other one!”

“Uh yea thanks, but for like ten different reasons, no.”

“Wear it mommy! It will keep you dry! Just wear it mommy!!” was repeated to me no less than fifteen times while I was in the middle of the crazy chaos that is my house in the mornings. In between dressing the boy child and packing lunches I was getting a little bit perturbed with her relentless insistence that I wear her raincoat, until I finally said quite sternly “I am not wearing your raincoat because it won’t fit!”

Undeterred she continued on. “It will fit mommy! It will fit! Just try it mommy! Just try it on mommy, it will fit!”

For the love of….

“Girl child, it is not going to fit and you need to stop pestering me so that I can get us all out of here on time.”

“But mommy, it WILL fit, it will! I know it will! Can you just try it on mommy? Mommy will you just try it on?”

Oh my gosh kid, gimme a break.

“Fine! If I try on the coat and it doesn’t fit, will you leave me alone?” I gasped back at her.

“Ok! But if it does fit, you wear when we walk to school ok mommy?”

As I was trying to untangle a Ziploc baggie from a lunch box zipper I vaguely remember muttering “yea sure whatever” to the child who was intently listening for my answer.

Let’s just say that pretending as if I hadn’t lost my youth that morning wasn’t going to be an issue, because……

IT FIT.

That was a pretty classy walk to school. You know what though? It’s still not an umbrella.
Word.

Really though, we have all either had or are currently fighting the “I’ve lost my youth” moment. What was it for you? What “umbrella” moment is hanging over your head or did you finally resign and give into? I know I’m not the only one, so come on people, fess up!


Photo Credit
Hammer time

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29 Comments

  • Anonymous
    November 6, 2014 at 7:20 am

    Sadly, the umbrella is only the beginning… just you wait. !! Yes, (needing) reading glasses, the first gray hair, giving up bikinis for more coverage, the first time you look in the mirror while reaching up to brush your hair and with shock you notice that the backs of your upper arms wobble just a bit when you do that, despite your being thin and even reasonably fit… yes, all those up-close-and-personal milestones await you (while you cling to your ideal of youth by fending off umbrella purchases.) !!My personal item that I always drew the line at ownership of (if we're talking things that one refuses to -ever- own because of the lost youth issue) is pantyhose/stockings with reinforced toes (shudder… remember seeing “old ladies” wearing those? With SANDALS?!) I am now getting creaky and poppy (wait for that, it's another moment that lets you know you aren't in first blush any longer, when you can hear different parts of you comment when you are getting up off the floor,) but I still refuse to ever put those abominations on my feet! Nope, it's “sandalfoot” or nothing! (And it's usually nothing, as I still ONLY wear pantyhose to weddings and funerals.) !!We all have our own ideas of what is old (or young)… my one friend vowed never to own or drive a station wagon (but he has an SUV now, so what's his point, right?)Wait till store clerks start to call you “M'am”, your day will dim slightly, believe me. !!Funny thing about the umbrella avoidance though, when we lived in Seattle everybody felt that way. (Not sure if it was the youth thing, but it was SOMEthing that repelled them…) ?? It's one of the wettest places around but everyone disdains umbrellas.Oddly, in Japan, where it's just about as wet in places as Seattle, they love them. They have communal ones basically, there will be big containers (umbrella stands?) of umbrellas outside entrances of stores and such, you take one as you go and leave it at the next place you enter, sort of a public convenience. (I saw this myself, it's not hearsay. And coming from Seattle, it was especially impressive.)Well, since it's bad luck to open an umbrella in the house, if you never have one, then you greatly decrease that risk, right?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 6, 2014 at 7:18 pm

      THE PANTYHOSE!!!!

      I simply cannot wear them. I cannot wear anything that feels like the equivalent of cheesecloth balloon pants, all tight and constricting and the way they roll down.

      No. One hundred times, no.

      The old lady reinforced toes with sandles on. hahaha!!!

      That is really weird about the umbrella’s in Japan. Here someone would steal them all and then sell them out of the back of a van.

      I love that you guys are getting into this post 🙂

  • CD
    November 6, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Okay, since that last post was so intense, you got me sitting here cracking up with all these 90s kid references (our generation was basically raised by television, right? Like, even the ones from normal families?)My (much) older sister once had a techno song on a tape that I was OBSESSED with (it was on some commercial recently, I forget the name of it) When I noticed the tape was falling out, I pulled ALL the film out and asked my mom (this was before she went totally crazy) “No sorry honey, it doesn't work anymore!” “WHAT???? NOOO!!!”Also, a couple weeks during a borderline monsoon, I randomly found an umbrella on the ground and picked it up. And then I put it down. Cause it was kinda stealing but… not even that, I just felt so damn weird carrying an umbrella.Damn lucky her raincoat can fit you! You should rock it, ladybug and all.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 6, 2014 at 7:09 pm

      Haha! “Kids, we used to have to drive to the store, buy a CD, and we could only listen to those songs. They didn’t have downloading and apps back then!” (a gasp goes across the dinner table….)

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 6, 2014 at 7:20 pm

      Haha, oh I rocked it alright. I looked absolutely insane but hey, if you have to wear it, you should at least own it!! It was actually pretty funny 🙂

      Those tapes man, remember winding them back in with a pencil? Or when you would be listening to it and you could tell it was suddenly being eaten because it would make that chipmonk-whizzing-crunching sound?

      CDNovember 6, 2014 at 2:50 PM
      I think I grew up on the tail end of that generation (’89 baby here) so I mostly grew up with CDs. (Yes, CD grew up with CDs. Then he started downloading illegally but now doesn’t have to because, well, Youtube!)

  • snork maiden
    November 6, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    I knew I was middle aged when I realized I could no longer wear my hair in two braids without looking seriously ridiculous.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 6, 2014 at 7:14 am

      Haha!!! Oh so true!!

  • Ashley
    November 6, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    My husband (who was my then boyfriend) has custody of his two kids from his last relationship and i was pregnant with my 1st.. the trans went on my 4 door jimmy and from that point on, he'd tried to covince me to get a minivan. I was 20 at the time so obviously, i said hell no. Well fast forward to 22 years old i was pregnant again with my now 1 year old and having more car issues. My friend was moving out of state and offered her mommyvan to us at a very generous price. At that time i realized that i needed to suck it up, not out of maturity, but because that would be the only affordable vehicle that would fit us and our 4 children with their boosters and car seats. That was my moment i felt i'd lost my youth! Fun times

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 6, 2014 at 7:10 pm

      That’s funny. How old are the other kids? Sounds like you’re a busy momma! Good for you being mature about the minivan, I’ve seen many people stuffing their kids in the car like a clown car lol

  • Ashley
    November 6, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    I guess that and the fact that I'm now 23 with the life of a 50 year old 0.o wise, i know.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 6, 2014 at 7:11 pm

      I felt 50 at age 16 if that makes you feel any better. (high five!)

  • CD
    November 6, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    I think I grew up on the tail end of that generation ('89 baby here) so I mostly grew up with CDs. (Yes, CD grew up with CDs. Then he started downloading illegally but now doesn't have to because, well, Youtube!)

  • Anonymous
    November 7, 2014 at 1:02 am

    Haha Eden, you are the best. Rock the raincoat! xoxoxo

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 6, 2014 at 7:12 pm

      (doing a little jig right now)

      You never know, if Lady Gaga can wear an outfit made of meat, I think there is a slight chance I can make the ladybug raincoat stylish.

      …..slight chance….. but not nonexistant. (that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself anyways)

  • Ashley
    November 7, 2014 at 3:19 am

    7 year old boy, just turned 5 year old girl, just turned 3 year old girl, and my last baby is a 1 year old girl. Yeah, they definitely keep me on my toes that's for sure! The van thing, we kind of didn't have many other options with our circus we got goin lol. it also happens to be my longest lasting vehicle (with only a few problems) so i can't complain. When it used to be embarrassing i just had to remind myself to be grateful that i even had a car at all and i eventually got over “losing my youth” lol. It's funny though because there are also times where i feel uncomfortable referring to myself as an adult (i.e. using the response, “sometimes you have to do things like that when you're an adult.”) It's like wait, what? I don't feel grown up either yet. If that makes sense. Sorry for the rambling! And bad typing i'm commenting from my phone!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2014 at 3:38 am

      You are busy!!

      I’m happy the van worked out so well for you 🙂

      I catch myself going “whatttt???” when I refer to myself as an adult too. I’m sad 🙁

  • Koro
    November 7, 2014 at 5:37 am

    I have no relevant comment, since I'm still pretty young lol. However, I've felt that perspective of realising that I'm older because of my niece. I like the raincoat though lol. Watch, short sleeved raincoats are going to be the new fashion soon.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2014 at 3:45 am

      Lucky young’in you!

  • Steven Theiss
    November 7, 2014 at 5:58 am

    I think for me it was when I went to the doctor recently and mentioned this pain in the side of my foot. He took a look at it and said something to the effect of “Oh yeah, that's arthritis. You can try ibuprofen and see if that makes it hurt less.”Or, in other words, “Yeah, that's just going to keep hurting until you die. We don't fix stuff like that. Try taking this thing that will destroy your liver, since something else will probably kill you before your liver goes.”Sigh…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2014 at 3:44 am

      That’s hysterical. It’s all downhill from here buddy! Nothing left in your future except lower car insurance and special vitamins!

  • Evelyn
    November 7, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    Ever since I turned 25 in march it's like I have a neon sign on my forehead saying no need to id me to buy alcohol…. 🙁 I'm so old. Sometimes people id me but most of the time they don't. But the funny thing is, even the months before march I would still get id'ed almost every time.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2014 at 3:43 am

      That’s funny! I think they must have to ID everyone where I live because I most DEFINITELY do not look 21 and I get carded everywhere. I’m going to have to watch my friends but I’m fairly certain it must be a law or something.

  • Anonymous
    November 9, 2014 at 3:13 am

    For me it's mom jeans! I lost the baby weight super fast thanks to my ravenous boobie monster but the skin on my stomach has stayed super loose. I instantly look 4 inches thinner in high waisted jeans but all I can think of is that one SNL sketch! FE

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 9, 2014 at 3:39 am

      Yes!! The mom jeans ((shudder)) My friends and I were just talking about that the other day, how we need our clothes to suck us in sometimes. I’ll never forget shopping for the first time after having my daughter. Nothing fit right, I had to run in and out of the dressing room so many times I was mortified. My belly was flabby, my boobs were huge, and everything I put on made me look like a hoochie momma.

  • Evelyn
    November 9, 2014 at 11:20 pm

    it might be a law that they card everyone, but that doesn't mean they do. It can be VA, MD, SC or anywhere in the eastern usa, I'm not getting carded a whole lot now. It's not a big deal when it's someone who knows me and has already carded me before, but when it's someone who doesn't know me and doesn't card me….

  • Ruth Cooke
    November 14, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    Just catching up on all my reading…I'm 54. I don't buy umbrellas (though they do somehow end up at my house), and I don't use them when I have them.Why?THEY DON'T KEEP THE RAIN OFF!If I'm going to get wet anyways, at least I'm not carrying around something that's going to turn itself inside out with the wind…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 15, 2014 at 7:11 pm

      I was wondering if you were still here!

      That’s funny and totally true!

  • Steve
    October 15, 2015 at 4:40 am

    Hi Eden,My body is much older than yours, but I'm still 6! Calvin and Hobbes are my heroes. I'm the grandpa who gets his 2 and 5 year old grandsons riled up before bedtime (we have a blast!), and yes, my wife makes me pay for that later. 😀 My inner inner 6 year old HATES the 56 year old body that he's stuck in, except when he's allowed to have beer or scotch, and I refuse to let my inner child grow old. When my grandpa died at 93 his inner child was alive and well to the last day. He was my role model for being a grandpa and I plan to do the same as he did.My point is, you're only as old as you choose to be. I've met teenagers who acted like they were 70. They were old and grumpy. The little pieces of your life that you show us prove that you are not old. You are young and vibrant, and getting an umbrella won't change that. Keep playing with your children. Keep wearing your girl child's raincoat! Keep your youthful mental outlook, keep having fun, and don't let the umbrellas drag you down. As for me, I see no reason to use an umbrella since I'm going to get wet anyway when I stomp through the puddles.:D

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 18, 2015 at 11:36 am

      How funny 🙂 I’ll be watching for you and y our stomping puddle feet while I’m strolling along without my umbrella!

      *hugs*

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