He Could Have Killed Me (But Thankfully He Didn’t, So Here’s A Funny Story)


“There is absolutely no way that all these cars are here for voting,” I thought to myself as I tried to pull into the parking lot of my local polling station. Cars were lined up and down the streets, and when I say that “I tried to pull into the parking lot,” I mean that I tried, and really couldn’t, because someone had parked their mini van IN the one-way entrance to the building.

Photo Credit Courtesy of Giphy.com

I was so annoyed by this person’s obvious lack of respect for anyone but themselves, that I actually thought about keying their van.

Thankfully I am not crazy, nor a criminal, so I did not.

I did however, stand for TWO HOURS in the early voting line, and spent much of my time watching car after car attempt to pull into the lot, only to be blocked by the majesty’s royal carriage. Finally, a city employee came up and began asking if anyone in line owned the silver dodge caravan that was parked in the entrance.

A woman, who was at the absolute front of the line, began to ask a series of suspicious questions.

“Are you SURE it’s a dodge caravan that you are looking for? Are you sure it’s silver?” she questioned, and then continued asking questions until the exasperated employee said “listen, I don’t care what it is, but if it’s parked in the entrance, it’s getting towed.”

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” the woman suddenly yelled at the top of her lungs. “I’ve been standing in this line for hours, and now you are going to make me get out of line or else you will tow my car!!!????” she shrieked.

The city employee, God bless his soul, said “ma’am, you never should have parked there in the first place. No one else can get in.”

“Well, there were no empty parking spots in the lot anyway so I don’t see what the problem is” the woman snarked back.

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“The problem, is that you are parked in an area that is not designated for parking, and it is impeding traffic and access to the building” the employee said calmly. “Now the empty spots cannot be filled, and people cannot be dropped off.”

And just then, some random guy wearing a tank top that barely stretched over his steroid inflated muscles, and who did not appear to have been previously affiliated with the woman in any way, looked up from his polling booth, and shouted “WAS THERE A NO PARKING SIGN?”

(Seriously, what is with all the yelling!?)

The employee, clearly shocked at muscle man’s idiotic point of view, said “sir, there doesn’t need to be a no parking sign. You obviously cannot park in an area designated for driving, and make it impossible for people to drive.”

Muscle man then left the booth, walked up the employee (who was a senior citizen), got about two inches in front of his face, and yelled even louder, “I SAID, WAS THERE A NO PARKING SIGN?”

Then, because I do not like seeing people get intimidated, and I do not like the people who attempt to intimidate them… and because I am also an idiot with a big mouth and no filter, I piped up.

Loudly.

“Are you serious?” I laughed from my place in line — which was about ten feet from where they were — “you are exactly the reason that we have really moronic warning labels on things. Have you also tried to dry your hair while in the bathtub? Because I’ve always wondered who was dumb enough to do that, but if you think you need a sign to point out all the obvious things that people should not do, well then I guess you must be the reason I keep seeing those stupid labels.”

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Muscle man stopped talking, turned, and just stared at me.

Thankfully — feeling a bit more confident since I’d already set the tone for risking my life — the woman directly in front of me jumped in and said “do you need a sign that says you can’t stop in the middle of the road and take a nap?” and the person behind me said “do you need a sign that says you can’t park sideways on a bridge?”

Muscle Man didn’t say one word. Not one. He just turned, and went back to his polling booth.

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

The illegal parker, though, decided that she would continue to scream, and only when she realized that no one else was coming to her defense and her van really was getting towed, yelled at the employee, “FINE. I DIDN’T WANT TO VOTE ANYWAY!”

And because I was still the same stupid idiot with a big mouth, no filter, and I was really mad that this woman was treating the employee this way, I felt the need to say “well that makes me happy, because after seeing the judgement you put into your parking place, I was rather concerned about your ability to choose a president.”

Photo Credit Giphy.com
This GIF is basically an exact representation of her expression

She then stormed out of the building, and I thanked the heavens that no one had punched me.

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32 Comments

  • Eatabagofrichards
    November 16, 2016 at 1:03 pm

    HAHAHA…..Love it. I thought I was the only one dumb enough to say what everyone else is thinking, even when it's not a great idea. 😀

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 16, 2016 at 6:40 pm

      Lol you’re not alone! I was excitedly texting my friend about the “crazy fight” that was going on in front of me, and she’s all “and now what!? What happened now!? WHERE DID YOU GO WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING!?” and I’m all “… Sorry, I was busy opening my mouth.”

  • Jim F
    November 16, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    Thanks for the story, made me laugh, I love reading your posts! “moronic warning labels” indeed, looks like you found the reason why we see them. So glad the guy didnt do anything stupid, and you found support from others around you. He probably needs a sign telling him its ok to us the bathroom ….

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 17, 2016 at 6:40 pm

      His mother probably still does his laundry…

  • Anonymous
    November 16, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Thanks for the great laugh this morning – I never can think of the right words to say so I usually just shut up and wish later that I had said something. You go girl!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 17, 2016 at 6:41 pm

      Lol! I’ll take one for the team 😉

  • Facebook
    November 16, 2016 at 5:16 pm

    Omg love this!

  • Facebook
    November 16, 2016 at 5:23 pm

    I. Love. It! (Kinda surprised it took them that long before towing it. Kinda)

  • Naked pop tart
    November 16, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    . Everytime you tell a story I think we are long lost sisters from some parallel universe. If I had a dime for every encounter I have had , that sounds just the like the one you had , I could afford to buy all the mental midgets their own island to live on .. Where they could park sideways , blow dry their hair in a hot tub and not put their toaster in the dishwasher.. Sigh. At least their are people like us willing to risk their lives to point out other people's idiocy. March on sister ..

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 17, 2016 at 6:41 pm

      Hahahahahahah! Let’s take up a collection.

  • Naked pop tart
    November 16, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    There.. Not their( if I didn't correct that I would have spent days thinking about it.. ) which either means I take my grammar seriously or I need to get a life.

  • Facebook
    November 16, 2016 at 10:06 pm

    Hooray for you and the others for standing up to potential bullies! Well done 💗

  • Facebook
    November 16, 2016 at 10:06 pm

    You rock! I would have just stood there . . . laughing on the inside at these crazy people.

  • Facebook
    November 16, 2016 at 10:07 pm

    Priceless!! Good for you!

  • Facebook
    November 16, 2016 at 10:07 pm

    You're my hero.

  • Facebook
    November 16, 2016 at 10:08 pm

    👏👏👏👏

  • Rebecca
    November 17, 2016 at 12:14 am

    You, my dear, just made my day. Wish I had your chutzpa!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 17, 2016 at 6:41 pm

      It’s going to backfire on me one day!!

  • Carolyn De Neut
    November 17, 2016 at 1:52 am

    Too too funny. And Naked Pop Tart – you are hilarious too! 🙂

  • Anonymous
    November 17, 2016 at 5:23 am

    U r really snarky

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 17, 2016 at 6:41 pm

      It’s a curse really…

  • Anonymous
    November 17, 2016 at 5:51 am

    Well I was holding my breath here for America moment. If those two weren't a couple, they belonged together. A bit scary though—their thought process or lack thereof.Deena in Los Angeles

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 17, 2016 at 6:41 pm

      Haha! No kidding, they totally could have been a couple. Can you imagine how scary their offspring would be!?!

  • Naked pop tart
    November 17, 2016 at 6:32 am

    I appreciate that 😉

  • Anonymous
    November 17, 2016 at 5:03 pm

    your title kinda suggests that your ex husband threatened your life because you were mouthy

  • afairytale84
    November 17, 2016 at 7:58 pm

    One of our poll watchers has a homemade bumper sticker on his car that says “Killary for Prison”. He would drive around town and shout at anyone wearing a Hillary sticker or who had a pro-Hillary bumper sticker or clothes, etc. that they all belong in prison. He would very loudly proclaim that anyone voting for Killary (he refused to say Hillary) should be kicked out of the U.S. for being unpatriotic and treasonous.And he was at the polls to make sure nobody was intimidating voters…Luckily he was well behaved and very polite to everyone. But I know him pretty well since his wife and my mother are friends. *sigh*Good for you though. That's pretty funny…and sad about how those people behaved. Ugh.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 20, 2016 at 6:41 am

      That’s crazy lol! I’m glad he was able to remain calm and neutral at the polls!

  • CD
    November 18, 2016 at 9:32 am

    Bahahaha! I sadly wasn't “allowed” to vote in this last election (yes, there's a story!) and it made me angry that such idiots were able to. Oh, America… if only it weren't for your electoral college…

  • CD
    November 19, 2016 at 2:36 am

    …oh wait, the idiots are what the electoral college is FOR. I completely contradicted myself there. Wow. I should not Eden and Drink.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 20, 2016 at 6:42 pm

      Ha ha ha! !! I wasnt able to vote in the last one either!

  • Anonymous
    November 22, 2016 at 9:53 pm

    You know I was so insulted by your blog that I almost dropped the lawnmower I was using to trim my hedge… After I stop by the bar for few cold ones with the boys, I will text my wife on my drive home to let her know how snarky you are…. …keep up the good work…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 25, 2016 at 6:42 pm

      Haha!

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