The Judge Yelled At Me


The judge yelled at me.

But first, let me backtrack and tell you that my ex actually showed up, which is always a surprise. And by “showed up,” I mean he logged into zoom court. Yes, you read that right, ZOOM COURT. Our town now is holding court by Zoom and it’s SUPER WEIRD.

Imagine 40 little zoom squares of plaintiffs, defendants, attorneys, and one judge, all in your house while you’re in their houses with their cats and crying kids, because that is exactly what it is like. You all wait together like a deranged Brady Bunch while listening to everyone’s most scandalous arguments played out across the screen and feeling very voyeuristic. I legit would not even need Netflix anymore if this were open to the public on a daily basis.

And do you want to know how mine went? Well first off, brace yourselves because all you longtime readers are going to be SHOCKED: I went without Mr. Attorney Man. YES. YES I DID. And do you know how it went?

No biggie, IT WAS ONLY AWFUL. And by awful I mean it was absolutely cringeworthy hysterical because I made a complete fool of myself.

You see, I had never Zoom courted before and I had a little trouble getting logged in and by the time I got on there were things happening that I was extremely confused by and then suddenly the judge called my name.

“Eden Strong, here judge” I said.

Then the judge just sat there in her judge’s chair in her little Zoom square and said absolutely nothing.

Did she hear me? I had no idea, but I know that this judge doesn’t like it when you speak without being spoken to, so I said nothing.

Finally she said something to the effect of “well are you going to say something?” and so I started telling her why we were there and then she snapped “THAT IS NOT WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR TODAY WE ARE ONLY HERE TO SET A DATE FOR YOUR HEARING.”

Oh.

All 40 of the Zoom square heads snapped to attention and I about crawled out of camera view because EMBARRASSING. But then she told my ex — who was in his car by the way, maybe at work, maybe hiding from his weirdo wife, who knows — she then yelled at him and said when we return he had better have paperwork showing that he has paid his child support “on time like clockwork,” which we all know he didn’t do, so next time should be fun.

Unless the judge remembers me, because she didn’t seem all that thrilled with me either….

I then decided to buy myself some cakes. One little cake for my pity party of embarrassment and one big cake because the little one seemed small and I really like cake.

Anyway, I’m sorry for my delay in updating, I know a lot of you were waiting yesterday, but unfortunately our beloved 9-year-old Frank the ferret passed away this morning and we are a little bit crushed.

But zoom court… That place is weird…

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2 Comments

  • Eatabagofrichards
    April 30, 2021 at 9:00 pm

    Well that whole post was just a dumpster-fire. RIP, Frankie–I hope you have an awesome time hopping around in heaven. Don’t worry about the judge–she sees 40 different people every day, and I bet half of them are noobs like you. Now you know how the thing goes, so next time you’ll be a pro! I double-dog-dare you to pop some popcorn and eat it prominently while you watch the court drama and wait for your turn. 😉

    • Eden Strong
      May 5, 2021 at 11:35 am

      Hahahaha! I totally should. Or…. I could eat more of those gummy man-parts you sent hahaha.

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