True Stories In The Operating Room

As I’ve mentioned on this blog several times, I had a few major foot and ankle surgeries when I was in my early twenties. You guys have seen the pictures, heard the background story, but what I have yet to tell you about, were the funny parts.

“Funny parts? Broken bones, screws and bolts, tendon transfers, cadaver transplants, and FUNNY PARTS?”

Well, admittedly, they were not funny at the time, but looking back I think I’m starting to appreciate their humor.

For example;

My first surgery was expected to be a long one. Screws were being placed, tendons were being lengthened, donated cadaver parts were being implanted, it was just a big ole’ freak circus going on down there.

As I’m waiting in the pre-op room the anesthesiologist walks in and I kid you not, the heavens parted, I heard a chorus behind me play the musical phrase “Dun Dun,” he smiled at me, and his teeth glimmered just like they do in cartoons.

Gosh do I love good teeth.

Ok, well maybe that didn’t really all happen, but the man was hot. Not just “oh, he is cute,” kind of hot, oh no, I’m talking “Hi, while I was between photo shoots for GQ I did a little studying and now I’m a doctor” kind of cute.

He really did have good teeth. Not even good, more like AH-MAY-ZING teeth.

Anyways, so there I sat, patting myself on the back and happy that I had chosen the right hospital, (Go me!!) and drooling at the GQ doctor with AH-MAY-ZING teeth.

“Hi Eden, my name is Something That I Can’t Remember and your doctor asked me to come place an epidural line in your leg.”

“Um….I thought I was going to be asleep for surgery….what do I need an epidural for?” was the expression I must have had on my face because he said “Oh, don’t worry, you are going to be asleep for the surgery, but because it’s so involved this will keep your leg numb for up to 24 hours after you wake up.”

Marvelous!! Sign me up for that plan!!!

“Ok” I said, “no problem.”

“Alright great” he said. “Since this is a teaching hospital, would you mind if a student observed?”

Well sure, no problem, I’m all for aiming to help mold America’s youth. Bring the schmuck in.

In walks seven students.

Saaaaay what!?

This is not “a” student, this is a herd of students. You have brought a herd of students into my room.

“Ok Eden, now we are going to thread this line into your sciatic nerve.”

“Uh…that sounds painful” I said.

“It is” replies Dr. GQ and he suddenly doesn’t look so attractive anymore. “It actually hurts a lot, but unfortunately we need you to be awake for the procedure so that we know it it’s in right.”

I’m starting to rethink how marvelous this plan actually is (not).

“Um…you know what? Maybe I’ll just stick with the pills. They are doing amazing things with pharmaceuticals these days, just send me home with a bottle of the fun kind.”

“Don’t worry” said the less attractive looking Dr. GQ. “I’m going to give you something that causes short term amnesia, so even though you are awake, you won’t remember anything about it.”

Yea…this is getting…weird.

“So let me get this straight” I said. “You are going to thread that line through my sciatic nerve, which will hurt immensely, but then you will wipe my brain and I won’t remember any of it?’

He nodded.

I was about to embark on the equivalent of a blackout drunken injury, complete with a crowd of people to watch it happen.

“Ok…..and where does the line go in?”

“I’m going to thread it in right under your buttock, where your buttock meets your thigh.”

“WHAT!? Seriously, is this a joke? This has to be a joke.”

“Roll onto your stomach” says the no longer attractive Dr. GQ just before lifting my gown up past my belly button.

The last thing I remember was threatening that if I saw any pictures pop up online of my naked ass with a bunch of medical students that I was personally going to track each and every one of them down.

The next thing I knew Dr. GQ was telling me that the line was in and that we were half done.

“Ok Eden, that went great. The sciatic line is in, the back of your leg should be feeling numb, and now we need to place another line in the femoral nerve for the front of your leg.”

The dude had failed to mention that this was a two part gig.

“Oh great” I say, clearly less than enthused. “And where does that line go in?”

“FLIP BACK OVER.”

Awww hell no.

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