A Message To The Trolls

So this week has definitely tested my willpower in self restraint. The trolls, or as I am more inclined to think, the troll who is assuming multiple “anonymous” personalities, have been coming at me hard. Questioning what I say, demanding proof that I am who I say I am, and just generally feeling entitled to know every single detail about my life.

I thought about how to handle this situation quite a bit. The lesser in me wanted to write up a nasty post and give you the name and phone number of one particular Troll who is demanding that I call her and return the favor by exposing myself. Luckily, I thought better of that.

So after much thought and internal debate, This is the conclusion that I have come too:

I am an anonymous writer and will remain an anonymous writer. There are several reasons why I choose to write anonymously. First and foremost is the protection of my children. What kind of mother would I be if I publicly announced that my children’s father was a rapist and then sent them off to school? My life and my history is intricately tied to their lives and their history. My stories are their stories and they will be their stories to tell to whom and when they wish to share them. I have no right sharing with the world things that are a direct reflection on their identities. Secondly, safety. I choose to bare my soul here, every part of me. There needs to be some barrier of safety for me and my family.

By choosing to remain anonymous, I understand that some people will doubt who I am. I also understand that this is extremely baiting to Troll’s. As I have learned this week, defending myself is fruitless. It’s never ending. No amount of proof is enough. A question is asked, I give an answer. The topic is changed to another question, I give an answer. Eventually we reach a question where even more proof is demanded and I refuse to give it because it is personal. The Troll cheers and claims victory that I must be lying. Some things, short of scanning and posting police reports or medical records, cannot be proved on here. Even if I did that, then what? You want a copy of my drivers license to prove that its my report? Let’s say I reveal my identity. Is that proof? Would you like to dig through my sealed childhood records? Talk to my ex? Shall I put my mother on the phone? There will never be enough proof in the world to satisfy everyone.

With that being said, I am done defending myself. I wasted more time and energy this week defending myself in the comments to one particular Troll, than writing about the things that I started this blog for. I don’t owe anyone anything. I am a single, struggling mother, a broken person trying to heal, and yet I am trying to heal publicly to let others know that they are not alone. I am LOVING seeing all of the survivors gathering in the comments, and I am feeling so blessed to be gaining so much insight from so many wonderful advisers on here.

I won’t be wasting anymore energy on the doubters. I have the option of turning the blog comments into “approved only” comments, where when a comment is submitted, it requires my approval before it is posted. I am not doing that. I truly don’t believe in censoring out the doubters. They are welcome to come, as long as they are polite. With that being said, this is still my blog and I will delete comments that are harassing, derogatory, attacking other commenter’s, and postings of the same exact troll comments on multiple blog posts.

Now, because I am so nice, I will even save the Tolls the trouble, and I will point out the things that they want you to be aware of. Hopefully this will make the Trolls happy. See, aren’t I nice?

Troll Warning!!
I am an anonymous blogger.
I have had multiple hardships in my life.
Some of them, actually, most of them, are quite unbelievable.
There have been several literary scam artists in the past, who specifically went after the feelings of others using stories that contained hardships.
I am could be one of them (I’m not.)

So, as the Trolls would love to warn you, I just have.

If you choose to stick around, I would love to have you. If you don’t believe me, you are welcome to move on. I will miss you but I hope you find a place you feel more comfortable in.

Any further Troll comments, will be replied to with the link to this posting.

It’s not that I am avoiding questions or dodging the truth, its just that I will NEVER win. Every bit of proof is followed by a demand for more. I am a blogger, but I am a person and a mother first. I am not willing to expose my children to the world or compromise the safety of myself and my kids. I will pull the blog down before I will put my identity and the identity of my children on the Internet. If that doesn’t sit right with you, I’m sorry.

For those of you that choose to continue along in my journey of healing, I am blessed to have you, and I hope that you are able to find this as a healing place for you as well.


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  • Sara
    January 6, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    I think you should delete these comments and forget about them. Don't waste your time with it. You sound like you have better things to do.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 6, 2014 at 12:47 pm


  • Mary Anne
    January 6, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    I agree with Sara…not worth the energy. I have had it happen to me, too (not online). It is hard enough to deal with “real” people that disbelieve you but troll people online are not worth a response. I would delete them. Also you must protect your identity and your kids and allowing probing questions just fuels them…they must have an agenda if they are trying to find out who you are. Don't give them the time of day.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 6, 2014 at 12:47 pm

      Thank you 🙂

  • Sara A.
    January 6, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    This is your safe space, we'd totally get it if you went to “approved comments only” or whatever. Unfortunately, that still forces you to read the vitriol. Is there an option to disable anonymous commentary?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 6, 2014 at 12:47 pm

      There are quite a few anonymous commenters on here that give great advice, so I’d hate to block them out. I know that from my phone, I can’t log into an actual account and comment, so its a double edged sword between blocking out the trolls and blocking out legit people. :/ Blah

  • Anonymous
    January 6, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Yeah! You do this blog your way.I understand the need to process this. Part of why you are on the path of Transformation is because you take criticism seriously, you have an intellectual ethic, you are empathic and care about others' apparent needs. Drawing a safe boundary between you and internet trolls is an important skills development period. Work it out as long as you find it necessary.I have come to a certain point where I take on one trolling incident at a time, and use it as a sort of Zen Koan. I use it to find my Shadow, to shed light into the shared darkness of the collective unconscious. For example, there's someone on my feed whose superciliousness pushes my buttons hard…because appearing intellectually superior was my go-to ego protection device when I was an abused child. I am using her as a tool to let go of always needing to have the last word.I think the rules of blogging are that you get to do it however you wanna. Go for it!Love,Cat

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 6, 2014 at 12:47 pm

      Well I’d say you have perfected being intellectually superior lol, bc you always sound so smart!!! You put me to shame lady!

      I do like that this is another way for me to learn to set good boundaries for myself. As much as I hate these situations, I am loving the lessons and the personal growth that are coming from them 🙂

  • Jennifer
    January 6, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    “There will never be enough proof in the world to satisfy everyone.”Yes, yes, YES. This. I cannot agree with this enough. I have a genetic condition that's required multiple operations, but I am constantly getting the “But you don't look sick!” comments. So I'll show them the surgical scar on my ankle. But of course that isn't enough so I'll show them the surgical scar on my thigh. But then that's not enough so it's out with the two surgical scars on my stomach. But then that's not enough and by that part I'm ready to strangle someone.It's not worth the effort. Either people are going to believe you or they aren't. And those that aren't going to believe you aren't going to believe you no matter how much proof you show them. You'll drive yourself crazy if you try to convince everyone because you'll just fail every single time.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 6, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      I could have written that first paragraph myself!! Silent genetic condition here as well.

      I wish you the best 🙂

  • Anonymous
    January 6, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    I just have to say, you are always extremely well spoken

  • Anonymous
    January 6, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    I hope i don't put any shame anywhere near you <3 I sound like a pedant. My brain has always been my refuge, but any refuge can hold one captive just the same. That's a Duran Duran reference LMAO!You create original content. It's relatively easy to sit here and come up with reactions, compared to creating original content of my own to publish. Thank you so much for creating this space.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 6, 2014 at 12:47 pm

      I once dated a guy that was a hard core Duran Duran fan lol!

      Thank you for joining me in my little space 🙂

  • Anonymous
    January 6, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    I chose to post as anonymous just so you know not all the people that post anonymously are trolls. And we want you to have strength! And not that I would ever doubt you, but even if you would want to lie, it's you blog, it's your time to write, it's your life. If the trolls think you are lying, let them think! There are some naive people that think that don't believe that there are really bad things happening in the world… Or this ONE person – that we know who is – is really wasting her time. Let her, at least you'll know she won't be spending making someone's life hell.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 6, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      Happy to have you here anonymous non troll 🙂

  • Bê 2
    January 6, 2014 at 9:53 pm

    Just so you know, your worlds traveled far, I live in Brazil and i respect everything that I read here. I wish you the best

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 6, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      My first Brazillian commentor! Neat! So happy that you have found your way here 🙂 ((hugs!))

  • traves
    January 7, 2014 at 6:38 am

    Just like Obama and the 'birthers', sometimes there is never enough proof for the trolls. Ignore them, doll. For every one that doubts, there are a dozen who believe and support. xoxo C

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 7, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      🙂 Thanks hun

  • Flapper Flickers + Silent Stanzas
    January 7, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    I'm new to your blog, but your strength and resiliency are stunning. Don't let anyone, ANYONE, ever bring you or your kids back down again, even stupid people on the internet. 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 7, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      Well thank you very much 🙂 So glad you have found your way here, always happy to welcome others to the journey

      Down with stupid people!

  • Koro
    January 7, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Trolls suck :\ just don't feed them. http://imgur.com/gallery/UpNnAafHere, have a kitty.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 7, 2014 at 12:48 pm


  • Nicholas Gibson
    January 8, 2014 at 5:12 am

    Trolls can be hilarious. I think we might have to be of the right frame of mind to enjoy their assholery. Because really, Trolls have that special kind of assholery working for them that only someone who's seen some sh*t could appreciate as human comedy. Rock on with your kickass self.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 8, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      Lol too funny. Thank you!!

  • Kat
    January 8, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    How bizarre that someone is contacting you demanding to know who you are??!! Is it someone you used to know? Maybe its someone with a guilty conscious thinking you are one of their victims in real life and wanting to know for sure. Maybe it is actually one of your abusers (sorry I hate to say it and I'm sure its already crossed your mind). Just delete and ignore. Here in the UK two trolls just got jail sentences for abusing someone on twitter. Best thing for them.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 8, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      Good gosh, I hope not. That would be awful!! She just seemed like your regular ordinary crazy vigilante….hopefully

      Thats great about the trolls getting jail sentences though!!

  • Anonymous
    January 11, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    You don't owe anybody anything. Your story. Your blog. Your life. Period.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 11, 2014 at 12:49 pm


  • Meshelle Ross
    February 4, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    I'm with the others that agree that YOU OWE NO ONE ANYTHING ON HERE! This is your blog and you invited others to share in your life story as well as share theirs. If there are those out there that need proof or want to just be a….troll….I say ignore them, their ignorant! Why would they even want to be a part of your blog? Even if your story wasn't true (which I do know it is) your experiences and how you are dealing helps others, the troll helps NO ONE! I always pray God's blessings for you and your children and you know I along with many others love you and you know who they are…the trolls…they're idiots!

  • Meshelle Ross
    February 4, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    I haven't read all the comments so I'm not sure if this has been brought up already but why would someone want you to reveal who you are and they are asking anonymously??? At least that's what I have gathered from what I've read so far. I'm a bit behind girlee so I am trying to catch up! 🙂 Love you!

  • Anonymous
    April 27, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    OMGoodness! I hope you don't think I'm a troll 🙁 I have my reasons for writing Anonymous….and I would never want to lose your trust because I write Anonymous,Nathaliexoxoxox

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 27, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      Ha. I know you aren’t a troll. You should change your anonymous to say “Nathalie” though so that I know who you are! Just select Name/URL when you post and type your name in, if you want too that is 🙂

  • Nathalie
    April 28, 2014 at 2:33 am

    OK…done! 🙂 I hope that worked…let's see 🙂

  • Nathalie
    April 28, 2014 at 2:34 am

    Can you believe I work in IT? Yup! How smart am I 😉 Geez…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 28, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      That is too funny

  • Morgan
    June 18, 2014 at 11:49 pm

    I think those that doubt your story should read the book “the child called it” and it's series. Those that doubt the pain and the horrors of our world should think to look first at what other horrors are out there. Even witt the series, you can google all the atrocities that happen across first world countries in regards to children. My mom was a product of marriage rape. I was raped for years since I was 8. I always had someone raping me or molesting me. And now (of course) I'm 7 years married to an abuser. Life can be horrible. It's not something that just goes great for everyone. I so wish I had friends like you. I don't nor have I ever. You are so lucky in that you have that. I would love to run away from my husband and be okay because my friends stepped up. There aren't even any to step up. Thank them. You've been blessed with them.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 18, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      I have been very blessed and while it took me a long time to be able to set my pride down enough to accept their help, I really am SO grateful to the friends that always have my back.

      I am SO sorry that you don’t have a great friendship support system. Do you have a good relationship with your family?

      You are always welcome here, I would love to have you! You can vent anytime you need 🙂 People care, I care.

      It is horrible that stories like ours happen, but when people don’t believe that they have happened, it’s like being victimized all over again 🙁



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