Abuse Firsthand

Reflections from the past, so far away, yet never far enough

When “I do,” should have been “I don’t”

His fist hit the solid wood closet door behind me with such force, I was sure it had cracked.

Eyes glaring so intensely, yet not seeing me at all.

Was this it? Is this how it ends? Who would find me? Would they find me?

Yelling, screaming, so loud, unintelligible.

Pushing, pleading, shoving, falling.

Each stair hurting more then the one before.

Laying, crying, bleeding, hurting.

A hand on my neck, shoving my face into the floor with so much force I couldn’t breath.

Demanding, insisting, berating, I am pulled to my feet.

My hands providing what little barrier I can between him and the six month old life inside of me.

Pulling, dragging, kicking, shoving, the front door slamming behind me.

The neighbors helping me to my feet, the rehearsed lies slip easily from my mouth.

Out he comes, loving, adoring, acting, deceiving.

Back to hell we go.

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  • Anonymous
    January 12, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    Wait, is this brand new post of yours really saying that you are presently and currently in yet another abusive and no-win relationship? As of today? Right now? I'm confused, didn't you already learn that you need to close the door on this sort of situation (and do it quickly, permanently, and without leaving any room for doubt or hope for reunion?) I just recently came to your blog so is there something I am missing with this one, is this just a flashback to nightmarish past times or is this truly going on right now? (And if so, then you are expecting another life within this circumstance? Then you owe it to them as well as yourself, you MUST end this completely and totally cease putting yourself in this circumstance. Ever.) Seriously, if this is -once again?!- your “current reality” (really? WHY?!?!) then please, please, draw the line (again) and protect yourself and your children (born and unborn) and your sanity. This person is (yet) another version of your family, right? It doesn't do any good to leave them behind if you keep reconstructing that situation and their dynamic in your present life. Please be firm, be brave, be strong, and realize that your past damage makes you attractive to warped souls like that, so you must be on guard and not allow yourself to be overtaken. Draw that line! (Again.) !!!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 12, 2014 at 12:38 pm

      Sorry, this was a reflection, I should have been more clear 🙂 No abusive boyfriends/husbands right now, no babies on the way!!

  • Koro
    January 13, 2014 at 8:19 pm


    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 13, 2014 at 12:38 pm

      Thank you hun 🙂

  • Koro
    January 14, 2014 at 5:01 am

    No problem. I reflect on things a lot, sometimes unintentionally.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 14, 2014 at 12:38 pm

      Saaaaaaame here.

  • Anonymous
    January 30, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    Keep your head high. They are “just” reflections. You will never have to face that again.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 30, 2014 at 12:38 pm

      God willing 🙂


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