Thursday I’m Getting My Face Broken

I’m having surgery Thursday.

As a child I caught a knee to the nose and sustained multiple more nose injuries during the course of my marriage. It took what should have been an awesome nose and turned it into a slightly less awesome nose that’s all messed up on the inside. I keep getting sick, as everyone does, but for me it just hangs around in my head. Usually a sinus infection that inevitably morphs into something that robs me of my voice for several weeks at a time. My voice turns into something that positively sounds like a man is living inside my voicebox. As one of my clients put it, “Wow, sultry.” It’s been happening so often that my friends and I now have now named my alter ego “Roxanne.”  Roxanne works at an adult hotline and has some great times prank calling her friends. While Roxanne has been all fun and games, whisper yelling at my children is not really working out for me anymore. Not to mention, its bad for business when I always sound like I’m sick.

So a couple months ago I finally got my act together and I saw a doctor. Mind you I have no health insurance, so really, this was just to find out how many years it was going to take me to save up the funds. After visiting a couple of general plastic surgeons I realized that I needed something a bit more specialized.

I went to an ear, nose, and throat doctor who is also a renowned reconstructive facial plastic surgeon, because, HELLO, its my face. Anyone who is going to be breaking my face needs to be well educated specifically in face breaking.  I knew walking into the appointment that I wouldn’t be able to afford the surgery— this wasn’t a cosmetic surgery center, this was a university hospital’s reconstruction department, but as I said I wanted to get an idea of how much it was going to cost me so that I would know exactly how much I needed to save up.

So the doc comes in and he is all flattery, flattery, flattery, that I would love to post here but it would make me look even more stuck up than I just made myself look by saying any of that. But I digress.

So he looks at my nose and he says “Did you get hit with something?”

“Uh….sort of.”

He looks questioningly at me, “Did you get hit by someone?

“Yea, that’s more like it.”

“How many times did this happen?”

“Does it matter?”

He sort of sinks down into his chair and I realize that I’m not going to be getting away without at least giving him a peek into my back story. Now you see, normally when I know I am going to have to tell anyone about my past, I have obsessively rehearsed what I am going to say, nine or ten… million… times in my head before I actually tell them. Nope, not today. We are winging it chica.

I’m not even really sure what I told him, something along the lines of broken nose as a child, abusive husband, single mom, not well off, just wanting to get an idea of what it would cost to fix this mess.

He looks at me. He says nothing. Not a word. Doesn’t raise an eyebrow, doesn’t flinch a smile, no gleam of pity or disgust in his eyes, nothing. I think someone might be sampling the office botox.

Finally, he breaks the silence with “Ok, well lets take a look inside and get some pictures taken.” He puts something in my nose that I’m pretty sure scratched my brain. Like if I roll my eyes far enough back in my head, I’m pretty sure I will actually be able to see a healing scratch mark. Then his nurse takes about 300 pictures from 200 angles, each time giving me the same instructions; “Don’t breathe. Don’t blink. Don’t breathe. Keep holding your breath. No blinking. Ok, breathe and then don’t breathe again.” I’m certain that if you look at the photo’s in chronological order, you will see me changing from a very pale Irish to a shade of blue that resembles the blueberry girl Violet, from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.”

After I am done with my simulated deep water free dive training, he takes me back into the office and seats me behind his massive desk. “Well young lady, you sure have come to the Cadillac of doctors today, haven’t you?” I explain to him my theory on face breaking education. He seems rather pleased with not only my assessment of him, but of his credentials as well and he starts to rattle off a laundry, yet impressive list of his qualifications.

He then asks me “why now? Why have you decided that now, after all of these years, is the time to fix this?” I go on to explain that not only am I getting repeatedly sick by junk that’s getting stuck in my head, but that this year has been an incredible year of healing for me. That my husband left, my life shattered around me, and that I’ve been busy picking up the pieces and building it back up stronger then before. That if there was ever a time to fix the broken parts of me, that it is now. I tell him how I’m starting a not-for-profit and that I am so excited to be able to help other women, but I need to be healthy, healed, and confident before I can help other people.

In his usual form, he says nothing for quite a while.

“So, aside from fixing the inside, since I’ll have to break the outside too, if you could look like any celebrity, who would you want to look like?” he asks me.

“Well, I can tell you who I DON’T want to look like. I don’t want to look like Michael Jackson, LaToya Jackson, Owen Wilson….”

He laughs and basically says something to the effect of, “No, seriously, this is your chance to be anybody, who do you want to be?”

I remember quite clearly what I told him, because it was fairly life affirming to me, and yes, this was something that I had previously rehearsed in my head. I have thought the same thing in my head every time I have looked in the mirror since I was eight years old and caught a knee to my nose.

“I want to look like me. I don’t care if I come out prettier or uglier, or if my new nose is worse than the one I have now. I just want to be me. The me that I was supposed to be before someone damaged me. Before people took turns beating the “me” out of me. I want my true, original, authentic self, back. So yea, this might be my chance to be stunningly beautiful, but I don’t want that. I just want what I’ve never had. I want the chance to be me.”

Again with the no reaction from him, we sit there. Then he says “Ok, with operating room costs, anesthesia, the anesthesiologist, and my fee, the total cost could possibly be up to $28,000.” I stop breathing. He stands up and goes to walk out of the room, but before he leaves, he says “I’ll have my nurse come back in a minute to get you scheduled” and then shuts the door before I can say anything.

As I sit there calculating the costs in my head, I come to the conclusion that I will be able to afford the surgery approximately 45 years after I’m dead, assuming that my life insurance payout has matured in an investment fund. Sweet.

The nurse comes in, sits down, and says “Ok, Dr. said to go ahead and get you scheduled in two weeks.” Out of me comes this sound that half resembles a laugh and half resembles a gasp. “Two weeks! Yea, I’m going to need a little bit more time to rearrange my finances before I can get anything scheduled.”

“Doctor didn’t tell you?” she asks me and then doesn’t say anything else. Apparently being able to enact a long dramatic pause is a requirement of working here. Eventually she slides the billing break down sheet across the desk until its resting directly in front of me and says “doctor isn’t going to charge you.”

I literally burst into tears and yet, because I am prideful, I argue with the nurse that I can’t let him do that, there is absolutely no way I can let him do that. I am so insistent that she leaves to get the doctor. He sticks his head back in the room and says something that I will never forget, especially because doctors just don’t talk like this; “I don’t know what it is about you, but I like you. I can tell that you are going to do great things. Come back when you have changed the world and thank me then. Take your beautiful self and go leave your mark on the world.”

Then he offers to also pin my ears back while I’m under. I look in the mirror and oh my gosh! How did I never notice that my ears stick out? Like, A LOT!! Oh well. Nah, thanks, I think I will keep all of my original features, seeing as how I’m trying to get back to the basics anyways.

So Thursday morning my face will meet his hammer.

I sure hope I don’t let him down.

Photo Credit Broken Face:
Photo Credit Statue Face:
Photo Credit Empty Wallet:
Photo Credit Mirror:
Photo Credit Handprint:

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  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2014 at 6:05 am

    You are awesome and will change the world. You have courage in the face of severe adversity and having now found your blog, I look forward to your updates. You make me realise the importance of self belief and worth even when others try to deny you it.Thank youN from Luton, Bedfordshire, UK

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 15, 2014 at 11:57 am

      Aw 🙂 Thank you! Don’t ever forget how important you are. You are amazing. You are precious. You are smart. You are beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you differently, and don’t ever forget it, because

      YOU. ARE. LOVED.

  • Louise
    January 15, 2014 at 7:12 am

    I've been following your blog but have been too shy to comment until now. You are so amazing and I wish your the best for your surgery!I too had my face fixed after growing up and suffering from an abusive childhood. So this post resonated with me, so much so that I just had to leave a comment. By the time I had my surgery I had managed to save up half the money by working in retail as a sales assistant. My surgeon also asked what exactly happened at that point I lost it and started crying I was not able to speak and put it so eloquently as you did. My surgeon reduced his fees quite a lot after I managed to blubber out a somewhat coherent sentence. To be fair as I said I was working at the time and I'm Australian with health insurance so that covered a lot of my bill too. I can related heavily to all of your posts so much and I do believe you will as your doctor said change the world! You already are with this blog!Louise. From Sydney Australia.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 15, 2014 at 11:57 am

      Welcome Louise! Don’t be shy 🙂 I am so happy to hear that your doctor saw how amazing you are and you were able to get your face unbroken as well 🙂 I’m so glad you have found your way here hun, don’t be afraid to comment as much as you want, I love hearing from all of you! (( Hugs from America))

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2014 at 11:29 am

    You may have noticed, my comments tend toward the verbose. All I have this time, though, is:This is beautiful.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 15, 2014 at 11:57 am

      You are awesome.

  • Love, Sarah
    January 15, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    I'll start out by saying that I just absolutely love this blog/your writing/honesty/etc. This post left me in tears. I sincerely hope the best for you and your family and that you do get to change the world. With your amazing attitude, I really have no doubt that you will.Sarah from Madison, Wisconsin

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 15, 2014 at 11:57 am

      Welcome Sarah! Thank you for your faith in me 🙂 I have a lot of people to “prove” myself too! So glad you have found your way here ((hugs))

  • Butterfly14
    January 15, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    Yet another person sees the true beauty within you. You are a strong person with a good soul. Continue on this journey of healing, not only for you but for all whom you touch. Hugs from Aurora, IL

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 15, 2014 at 11:57 am


  • Mzfuzz
    January 15, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    It's a pretty awesome feeling when we are finally able to see for ourselves what others see in us. Nothing happens by coincidence, and I'm really glad you and this doctor found each other!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 15, 2014 at 11:58 am

      I am blessed to have found him 🙂 Its amazing when we really can SEE the blessings that cross our paths.

  • Amanda Harris
    January 16, 2014 at 12:31 am

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Ruth Cooke
    January 16, 2014 at 1:31 am

    Okay, I'm crying now…You'll be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 16, 2014 at 11:58 am

      I would LOVE your prayers Ruth. Thank you 🙂

  • Skye Von Fraunhofer
    January 16, 2014 at 1:43 am

    OMG OMG OMG!!!! This is awesome, I am so happy! 🙂 <3

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 16, 2014 at 11:58 am

      🙂 !!!!!! Thank you 🙂

  • Amanda Harris
    January 16, 2014 at 2:21 am

    I wish I could come up with something articulate about how we're not damaged or broken even when we think we are, but I have nothing. So I'll just sit in front of my laptop and smile.Amanda from Flushing, NY

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 16, 2014 at 11:58 am

      I will smile back at you in NY, all the way from my bed in anonymous land 🙂

  • Anonymous
    January 16, 2014 at 3:54 am

    I totally agree with you about how you don't want to look like anybody else but you, just the you that you would've been, etc. But, that was so nice that the doc also offered to make your ears more “aerodynamic” (ha ha), maybe you should've said o.k…. (after all, think of it this way, maybe they stick out a little more than they would've otherwise, just because you always had to listen so carefully to hear any little noise that might signal a threat, with your unpredictable family and all. You never know!) Anyway, just thinking that if somebody that skillful and aesthetically attuned offers something extra like that, you may want to mull it over a little before completely dismissing it (no idea how subtle the difference would be as have never seen you, of course. Just thinking it was kind and thoughtful of him to offer, and your one chance for a great extra freebie while you can. !!) 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 16, 2014 at 11:58 am

      Oh my gosh, I was literally laughing out loud the entire time I was reading your comment!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at my ears since then lol. I asked ALL my friends if my ears stick out. Each one sort of squinted, looked at my head, and was like “Huh. Yea. They do kind of stick out.” So apparently they stick out enough to be qualified as sticking out, but not enough to make people go “Wow look at those ears on Dumbo the flying elephant!!” or even notice until pointed out. Well, I have 8 hours to decide!

  • Jen
    January 23, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    I found your blog on xojane; your story is really inspiring. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.I'm so happy there are people like this doctor in the world! I know you'll have a positive impact on lots of other people's lives just like he says. 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 30, 2014 at 11:58 am

      Aw, well thank you *blush*

      I’m so glad you have found your way here Jen. I hope you subscribe and stick around, I’d love to “see” you here!

  • skyle
    January 30, 2014 at 8:15 am

    Dear NMStB, I read your story on xojane and then rushed over to read like…all of your blog posts. All I can say is you are so amazingly strong to have survived everything that's happened, and you still carry on with a wicked sense of humor! I'm laughing and crying at every post, and marveling at your honesty and resolve. You've inspired me to volunteer at rape/abuse crisis centers and make sure fellow EMS workers are compassionate and respectful to victims. I'm so glad good things are happening to you, because you deserve it. Sending you many good feelings, hopes for speedy recovery, and internet hugs!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 23, 2014 at 11:58 am

      Thank you so much!! That is so amazingly awesome to hear, you really have no idea. You just gave my soul a great big hug. Thank you for being so awesome!

      Welcome to the blog!! I hope you subscribe and stay around, I would love to have you!

  • Anonymous
    April 27, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Hi Eden,I read this post at work. Now, my colleague and I sit across from each other…face to face. Although this was a few months ago, I remember the day clearly – I burst into tears. I had to excuse myself from my desk.Merci docteur 🙂 Wonderful man that he is.Nathaliexoxoxox

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 27, 2014 at 11:59 am

      Aw, don’t cry!! Lol


  • Nathalie
    April 28, 2014 at 2:43 am

    Ha, ha…I know. I was just really touched with doctor man…the whole story really. Yeah, I cry when my kids say they love me…I'm kinda sappy that way 🙂 Proud of it though 😉

  • Debbie A-H
    July 11, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    Well, way to make me cry. What an amazing doctor that he could see the amazing in you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      July 11, 2014 at 11:59 am

      I was really blessed to have met him 🙂


  • Inadvertent Parent
    July 31, 2014 at 6:56 am

    Not gonna lie, I just burst into tears. I kind of had a feeling he was going to do something nice for you, but I wasn't expecting 28,000 dollars worth of nice. That on top of his eloquent way of putting it tipped me over.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      July 11, 2014 at 11:59 am

      Aw, don’t cry!! Yes, I was AMAZED. I was SO incredibly blessed and yes, his words made me cry as well 🙂


  • AlterEgo Eleven
    May 20, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    I'm new to this blog but amazed at so much of it. There are times I cannot stop laughing, times it's frustrating how others act, but just as often whether it's you or people like this doctor that are uplifting examples of the goodness that is out there. We just need to be aware and receptive when it comes across our lives and also remember those examples when dealing with people like your neighbors that may make us question…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      May 21, 2015 at 11:59 am

      Aw, thank you for your kind words 🙂 It’s amazing how self-reflective it’s been for me to see how many amazing people have contributed in helping me get my life together. I’m very blessed 🙂


  • Diana
    March 24, 2016 at 1:56 am

    It's BREATHE not breath. Oh my God.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 24, 2016 at 11:59 am

      Whoa… relax there girl. Take a deep BREATH. It’s not the end of the world…

  • Unknown
    October 28, 2016 at 2:57 pm

    OMG….You have given me the courage to do the same, as my Mother broke my nose when I was 11 and my ex broke it several times during marriage and then a terrible car accident once I finally left him with my small children. yes! YES! I am going to do this and it's NOT vain…it's who I was! ahem…am!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 30, 2016 at 11:59 am

      Do it! It was one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made, and I honestly think that ever time I look in the mirror 🙂 It is NOT vain to get back what someone has taken from you!

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