Well That Was Scary

I’m going to say right off the bat there is probably a lot of grammer and spelling errors in here. Sorry.

Well that was a lot scarier than I was anticipating. It all started well. I was really surprised because I wasn’t nervous at all. I’ve had two eight hour ankle surgeries before, plus three or four smaller ankle surgeries, wisdom teeth removal, and two natural childbirths, so how bad could a nose be, right?

I got there, snapped a few pics of my nifty hospital gear, and waited. The anesthesiologist came in and the first thing she did was touch my hair. “Then she asked me, are these red highlights natural?” I have brown hair, but I do have a lot of red highlights since my family is from Dublin. She goes on to explain that because of that I will be getting a different type of anesthesia that will take me deeper, because people with red hair don’t metabolize anesthesia well. Makes sense, since I have previously woken up twice DURING surgery. So into the operating room we go, I make a few jokes that if they kill me I am coming back to haunt everyone and out I go.

The next thing I know I hear a nurse saying “honey, I put a gluten free cracker in your hand and I’m going to sit you up.” I distinctly remember thinking “Well this is weird, I can totally hear her, but I literally cannot move at all.” Like my brain was waking up, but my body was not waking up AT ALL. So the nurse sits me up and that’s when I feel it.

Blood comes gushing out of….everywhere. Like everywhere. At this point I still cannot move at all, but I can hear everything. I hear doctors running, nurses yelling, something about patient #2 is hemorrhaging. The doctor is forecfully telling the anesthesiologist to put me back out, that he needs to take me back in to the operating room. The anesthesiologist is saying that she can’t intubate me until she pumps my stomach because I’ve swallowed too much blood and could aspirate. I can hear them calling for stat orders from the blood bank and yet I CAN’T MOVE. The doctor comes over and says “honey, I don’t know if you’re awake but you’re hemorrhaging, I need to stop it right now, and I’m sorry but this is really going to hurt.” HE DID NOT LIE. The last thing that I remember was every surgical instrument he owned being shoved into my head, a nurse repeatedly asking me if I had an advanced medical directive, and then I was out.

The nurse said that I kept telling her that they couldn’t let me die because I have two little kids that need me. That they got stuck with a loser ass father and they deserved a mother. I don’t know how I would have said that, seeing as how I don’t remember being able to move, but how else would they have known that? Makes me feel kind of good knowing that right there should prove that I will never be my mother. I could have been dying and I was worried about my kids 🙂

Some six hours later I woke up feeling like my face had been run over by a truck. There was a nurse standing next to my bed and my doc had rearranged the rest of his day in case I needed to go into surgery again. Can we say scary? The person that drove me and was in the waiting room said that they came out and pulled him into a little room and told him that the surgery went great, but that there was a complication and they were in the middle of pumping my stomach and putting me back under. He said about twenty minutes later he saw people running bags of blood in there and then heard the secretary calling for an emergency transport to the trauma unit across the street.

In recovery. Sorry, there is blood or something on my cheek/jaw

All is well now, I am finally home, but OH MY GOSH. If I had just had the surgery I think I would have been fine, but all the trauma measures afterwards have left me pretty beat up and I’m feeling pretty darn miserable right now. Surprisingly little to no pain, but one eye is swollen shut, my throat is swollen, I can’t open my mouth, they filled my nose, sinuses, ear canals with some kind of medical glue junk, so the pressure is INTENSE, and forget about breathing or hearing. I can’t talk because it pressurizes everything in my head and causes bleeding, so with the no breathing, hearing, talking, and barely seeing, I am feeling a bit trapped in my head. Not to mention that they have me on a pharmacy of antibiotics and steroids now so my stomach feels raw.

This is not what I was expecting but I am choosing to be thankful that I am ok. I’m going to enjoy the peace in the moment and work on getting my smile back. I have my whole life ahead of me and no one said healing would be easy.

Yay, one eye opens!

Prayers would be appreciated for my comfort, healing, and the stress that I am feeling financially about a now extended recovery time.

Thank you all!


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  • Anonymous
    January 18, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Thank you for the update; sorry things did not go smoothly.Sending good thoughts your way.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2014 at 11:46 am

      Thank you hun 🙂

  • Mary Anne
    January 18, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    I am crying and praying for you (don't worry about the crying…I cry easily!). Please be safe…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2014 at 11:46 am

      Thank you 🙂 And don’t cry! Love you!

  • Amanda Harris
    January 18, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Surgery can be a bitch.Sending you some much needed love, and of course, lots and lots of recovery vibes.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Well put lol. Thank you!

  • Ruth Cooke
    January 18, 2014 at 5:06 pm

    I'm so glad you're through it, and my continued prayers and thoughts will be with you as you heal.(And that fact about the anesthesia and red highlights made light bulbs go off in my own head–I too take an extra strong dose to put me under!)

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2014 at 11:47 am

      I know, crazy about the red hair right? So wierd!!

      Thank you for your prayers

  • Kailyn
    January 18, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    Sending good thoughts for your recovery! I hope that it's quick and comfortable and you're back on your feet asap. Sorry that you had an extra exciting time 🙁

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Thank you hun!

  • Koro
    January 18, 2014 at 11:38 pm

    I'm glad you made it through okay, that must have been terrifying. 😐 And the no talking thing must suck (I'm a very chatty person once I get to know people). I hope the healing process goes much better for you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2014 at 11:47 am

      The no talking is KILLING me, especially since I can’t call my kids 🙁

  • Anonymous
    January 19, 2014 at 12:25 am

    Hope that you recover very quickly! Sorry to hear that you had a complication but happy to hear that you could send out a 'rescue' plea on Facebook. Nicole in Melbourne

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Thank you Nicole!

  • Anonymous
    January 20, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    From that picture of you in bandages, you look like Jessica Chastain!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 23, 2014 at 11:47 am

      I had to look her up to find out who she is, she is pretty! I’ll take that compliment and I’ll eat it right up lol! Thank you new best friend 😉 Makes me feel a bit better since in reality I look like Rocky the boxer right now…

  • Anonymous
    January 22, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    Sending You good, light, healing thoughts. You have beautiful eyes, I'm glad that at least one of them is open. Btw, I'm sending a prayer for You now and then, and I hope they're working. 🙂 Take care!Helen

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 20, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Aw thank you 🙂 Haha, yes, I was fond of having at least one open! As long as I can work a microwave, I always say haha.

      Thank you for your prayers and healing thoughts. I’ll take all that I can get!!!

  • toni choate
    January 23, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    Just found your blog today & I'm catching up with you. I'm also a mother of two & we've been through some similar situations. You are in my thoughts, dearest, & I wish you a speedy & thorough recovery. <3

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 22, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Welcome to the blog Toni!!! I’m so happy you have found your way here 🙂

      I’m sorry that you have had your own troubles, I hope that you find some healing here.

  • Jamie
    May 10, 2014 at 2:55 am

    I got reconstructice rhino and septoplasty and I actually wore more bandaging that that. From where were you hemorrhaging and what had caused it? I'm Irish and it made no difference on my anesthesia, I'm just wondering what would cause that and if I should worry for future surgeries?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      May 9, 2014 at 11:48 am

      More bandaging!? Wow I couldn’t imagine more than that, that’s awful! For me the hemorrhaging was because I have a connective tissue disorder that puts me at risk for excessive bleeding. I had previously had several surgeries and two babies and had not had any bleeding complications, but I guess this time I just wasn’t as lucky.

      As for the anesthesia, I can’t speak for all Irish people, I was just told that red hair causes the anesthesia to not work as effectively. I don’t have red hair, I just have red highlights, but I have woken up during surgery before. Google “red hair and anesthesia.” I did when I got home and was pretty shocked that yes, it’s actually a real thing!

  • Roman Dean
    September 8, 2015 at 8:45 pm

    All the bleeding that happened makes me skittish! It must have been very uneasy for you to witness your own surgery and its complication! How long was it before you completely recovered? Because I understand that the time it takes to recover from trauma is quite variable to people. I hope that it was a swift and uneventful one, with no further complications. Take care!Roman Dean @ MacMGI

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