Because Normal Is For Boring People
I say nothing.
You would have thought I had asked the girl if I could lick the floors clean by the look on her face as she sets the glass down on the counter. “Fine,” she says. “It’s your body. If you want to drink all that lead be my guest.” My girlfriend looks at her and says “you know what, I’d like some radioactive chemical filled water too.” Little Miss Attitude gets another glass and is clearly just as disgusted as the first time around as she sets the second glass down on the counter. My friend, without missing a beat, acts as if she can’t pick it up. She is struggling, using two hands, and near wincing. “Uh….what’s wrong with you” asks Little Miss Attitude. “Oh,” my friend says, “nothing. It’s just that the lead content is so high in this water that I almost can’t pick it up. Either that or the chemicals are wearing away my health.”
And this is why we are friends.
Thursday: I’m running on the track at the gym because it was raining outside. In an effort to avoid the locker room altogether, the only thing I brought in with me was my keys and my membership card. So I’m running and I drop the card. No biggie. Pick it up, drop it again. Ugh. Drop it a third time. Ok, what the hell? I “pull over” to the side of the track and I’m sort of looking myself up and down trying to figure out where I can stick this card. I have yoga pants and a shirt on, so I don’t have pockets or anything. For a brief moment I think I’ll stick it in my underwear like on my hip or my ass cheek (is that gross? Maybe), but then I remember that I’m wearing a thong so that idea is out.
Ok, bra it is.
I know lots of girls that keep money, phones, keys, lipstick and all sorts of shit in there, but I, I am not one of them. I have tiny boobs; stick anything in there and you would easily see it through my shirt. So this sticking the card in there, this is a new scenario for me. So I’m pulled over on the side of the track and I’m pretty sure I am the only one there, so I figure that it’s ok if I take a minute to figure this out.
Ok, well with tiny boobs comes a tiny bra. No need for “full coverage” here, so um….”over” is kind of out because the card would just fall out. It’s going to have to be….under.
I look around and assure myself that I am the only one there. I am and I decide that I’m gonna shove this card under my boob so that it can rest in my bra. I reach into my shirt, grab boob, and hey guess what? WRONG.
I was not the only one there.
I’m not sure who was more surprised, me or the guy that rounded the corner just in time to see me fondling myself. Lovely. I mean nothing was showing, but still, my hand was obviously in my bra.
As far as I know, I’m not banned from the gym or anything.
I stand on the chair and that plan is a no-go because I can’t reach the ceiling. Lucky for me, I’m short so I have a step stool in the laundry room. Because I am stupid and too lazy to get the ladder, I think “Hum, I bet I could just put this step stool on top of the chair and then I could reach the ceiling.
Before I know it I am climbing on top of the step stool, on top of the chair, and it suddenly dawns on me that maybe this isn’t the greatest plan.
I could fall and break my neck.
And oh yea, I’m still naked. Not really how I want to be found when someone comes looking for me after I fail to pick my kids up from daycare; naked in a hallway under a collapsed step stool and chair.
Maybe I’m not as stupid as I thought I was.
It’s a close call.
The dude hit me in the face with his phone number from his car and across my passenger seat. Still not impressed. “Yea, let me get right on that. Or I could just go camping or clip a strangers toenails or something equally as appealing.”
I’m not even kidding.
Out of her bag comes ice, cherries, liquor, juice, and then she gets right to work making fancy things. I like this chick. This chick and I are gonna be good friends.
I personally have never heard of a girl renting TV porn by herself before and I have pretty much heard it all, but hey, whatever gets ya off is fine with me. So anyway, she is like “yes, it caught my eye and I wanted to see it, but I could only watch like two minutes of it before my vagina sealed itself shut. It was a black guy, and girls, they do not lie when you hear the rumors that they are some big dudes” she said.
Now we are all dead silent. We aren’t sure if we should look at her or look at the floor. But then it happens. She points directly at me and says “Eden, listen to me very carefully. Do not ever have sex with a black guy. You are too tiny for that shit. That shit will tear you up.”