To The Woman Who Isn’t Yet Free
June 10, 2014
To the woman who isn’t yet free,
You are someone.
I don’t care what he tells you or what he tries to make you believe, you are someone. You aren’t a failure. You aren’t worthless, stupid, a burden, or anything else that he tries to make you believe.
You are amazing and he knows it. He controls you because he doesn’t want you to know that you are better than him. He tears apart every detail of your being because if you could see how amazing you are, he knows you would leave him. He silences you not because you can’t live without him, but because he can’t live without you. If he allows you to think for yourself, he knows you will realize that you deserve better.
You don’t deserve what he is doing to you. Nothing that is going on is your fault and things will not get better because of anything that you can change. I don’t even care if you talked back or spoke up, there is a reason you have a voice and you are allowed to use it. He may scream louder and hit harder, but that’s only because he can’t deal with the fact that you have your own thoughts. To steal your voice is to silence your soul; if he can’t hear you, then you aren’t human, and what he is doing, then it’s not wrong.
He isn’t going to change. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, you will never be able to live up to the unrealistic expectations that he has set for you. Despite what he may tell you, he does not control you because you need him, you are being controlled because he needs you. He holds tight on the reins of your life because he knows that if he lets go, you will run free and he will be left standing in the shadow of all that he is; nothing.
I know how desperately you want to cling to the façade of the life you have been trying to create, afraid of the shame you might feel when everyone knows your secrets, but I promise you, it’s nothing compared to the shame you already carry around in your heart. This isn’t your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Illusions can only last so long before the curtain drops, revealing all the is behind them.
You deserve more than this! I know it’s scary, the unknown. “How will I? How can I? What about? What next?” I know, it’s terrifying to take a step forward when you can’t even see the road in front of you, but you deserve better than what you have now. I know that by now he has you doubting yourself “but will anyone else ever love me? Will anyone else be able to put up with the failure that I am?” I know that to change the way you think means having to confront the truth, a truth that will shatter the illusions and rock your world to the core; I know that and I know how scary that is. I know how scary it is to start to think for yourself, to acknowledge your feelings, and to realize just how much you are hurting.
It’s devastating to realize how far down you have let someone else pull you.
I’m not going to lie, it won’t be easy, stepping out from behind his shadow. It will probably get even harder before it gets better, but you can do this! You aren’t as weak as he would have you think you are, you are strong, and you are stronger than him. You are a fighter. You get up every day and you fight for your life anyways, so this, you can do this.
Only some women know what it’s like to have every part of their soul crying at once, the screams in our heads drowning out the beating of our human hearts; silencing the part of us that reminds us that we are alive. Only some of us know what it feels like to suffocate on your own sobs, the very real physical pain that comes from swallowing them down so that no sound escapes our throats. To hide away the feelings that you are constantly told should never be allowed to exist, while they well up in your chest with a pressure so intense you are certain that if you still have a heart, it may actually stop beating.
Only some women know what it’s like to nurse their wounds in the dark and pray that no one sees. To cover them up and hide them away, struggling to get through the day while your entire body is screaming in alarm, knowing that you are hurt, and yet knowing that you are not allowed to.
Only some women know what it is like to never rest, to literally never have a moment when you feel safe, when you can let your guard down. To constantly be on alert, ever ready to fight for your life. When somewhere along the line, that feeling that you get when the hair on the back of your neck stands up, it became your baseline. Fear that encompasses your days and drowns out your nights, never ceasing, always haunting. With each rising of the sun comes a new day, new opportunities for failure and new ways to be broken. The setting of the sun bringing nothing but silence to the world around you that only intensifies your terror, screams that seem to echo the loudest at night, yet screams that no one ever hears.
You are a survivor, everyday, but you deserve to be more than a survivor, you deserve to have survived. You deserve the life that comes after “surviving.” You deserve the life that is lived when you have survived.
You can do this, I know you can. There is a reason that you have been able to endure all that you have. There is a reason you haven’t given up. It’s because you are stronger than him, stronger than this, and deep down you hoped it would eventually get better.
It will get better, you just need to take all the fighting strength that you have and fight for what comes next.
Fight for your freedom, fight for the chance to be who you were meant to be. Fight to get out.
Fight for the after.
Fight for the life you will have after you have survived.
You are worth it.
Many women have gone before you and they will all tell you the same thing; the after is amazing. The life that comes when you have reached the point of “survived” is unfathomable when you are where you are now.
You can handle what comes next, you were born for this, you were born with the strength of a warrior, you prove it every day, and you are strong enough to fight for the after.
You really only have two choices. You can be the woman who moves from survivor to survived, or you can wait to become the woman who went from surviving to victim.
Be the woman who makes it to the after.
Know that you are worth more than just surviving and that you deserve to be able to say that you survived.
Fight to heard. Fight to be the amazing person you were meant to be.
Fight to be able to say that you survived.
Be the woman that survived.
I have faith in you my fellow warrior.
With all the love in the world,
Someone living in the after, who is wishing you were here with her.
I’m looking forward to your arrival my precious warrior sister.