I’m Not Ok Today


For as easily as words come to me, they aren’t coming to me today. I don’t know how I feel. I kind of feel happy that I survived a year. I feel like maybe I should be proud that I’ve learned so much. I feel angry that he was never caught. I’m extremely aware of all that was taken that night. I’m sad that my friends turned their backs on me. I can’t believe how deeply, unimaginably, painful it all still is. I wish it didn’t hurt so bad.
Gosh does it still hurt.
I don’t know how I feel today.
I think today is a day that I am not ok.
Maybe tomorrow will feel better.
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23 Comments

  • Joel
    October 8, 2014 at 11:11 am

    It's okay to be not okay. Be kind to yourself, do something that comforts you and know that we all love you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 10, 2014 at 8:18 pm

      Thank you 🙂 I ended up having a really busy day at work which sort of helped me just power through it. Lots of tears yesterday but feeling a bit brighter today.

      You guys are awesome 🙂

  • Evelyn
    October 8, 2014 at 11:45 am

    hugs and chocolate chip cookies for you. If you don't like chocolate chip cookies, then whatever cookies you do like for you 😀

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 10, 2014 at 8:17 pm

      Ha, love it. It was a teary couple of days but I’m literally sitting on my couch right now eating chocolate chip cookies!

  • afairytale84
    October 8, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    *hugs*It's okay to not be okay. Take care of yourself today. We're all here for you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 10, 2014 at 8:13 pm

      Thank you 🙂 I took a couple days away from the blog, needed a breather, but I’m back!

  • Steven Theiss
    October 8, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    Dear, sweet Eden. I wish there were words that could make this pain go away, but if they exist, I surely don't know what they are.Hopefully this day will get easier for you as the years go by.In the meantime, lots of love and fierce hugs to you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 10, 2014 at 8:13 pm

      Thank you 🙂

  • Mzfuzz
    October 8, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    Agreed with those above–It's ok to not be ok. That's part of life, and living. I hope that it feels a little better today than it did a year ago, and that it will feel a little better a year from now than it feels today. Love and hugs-and just remember, no matter how bad it feels, you are surviving and thriving, despite everything he did (and continues to do) to you. *HUGS*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 10, 2014 at 8:13 pm

      Thank you dearie 🙂 I needed to hear that 🙂

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    October 8, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    I said a prayer for you. I know there isn't much any of us can say to make it better but I pray that God lifts and heals you from this nightmare you had go endure. And that justice will be done to your attacker as He sees fit (and i don't doubt that it will be done) Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. Romans 12:19Here are some bible verses that may give you a tiny bit of comfort http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-pain-10-comforting-scriptures/I'm so sorry you're feeling how you're feeling, and you've got every right to feel that way. Just remember that this too shall pass. You've been through so much and in time i hope this becomes a distant memory for you. One that the pain will ease up on and yet another time in your life where you've kicked it's a** back because you're stronger than the things that try to bring you down as you've proven countless amount of times. Hugs &well wishes sent your way..

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 10, 2014 at 8:14 pm

      Thank you SO much! I needed all of that. I looked at it on Wednesday but I’m just getting around to replying now. Took a couple days to myself to just breathe and “be.”

      Thank you for caring!!

  • Anonymous
    October 9, 2014 at 10:58 am

    I'm so sorry about how you feel right now. I will offer hugs if you would like them.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 9, 2014 at 5:58 am

      I’m so sorry about how you feel right now. I will offer hugs if you would like them.

  • nesia9
    October 9, 2014 at 7:06 pm

    Here's a virtual hug. I hope today is ok, if not fight on to see what tomorrow holds for you. When I'm not ok, I put on my tough song to help me be brave in the face of pain which is Jillette Johnson – Torpedo.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 10, 2014 at 8:15 am

      I love your virtual hug, thank you 🙂 I read this on Wednesday I’m just getting around to replying today. I looked up your song too, thank you!!

      *hugs*

  • snork maiden
    October 9, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    The friends you lost weren't worth having. There are plenty more friends here for you now. Only time will take this hurt away.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 10, 2014 at 8:16 pm

      Thanks hun 🙂 I love knowing that you guys are here for me, it really means a lot!

  • Anonymous
    October 10, 2014 at 1:41 am

    well, Eden, I'm feeling the EXACT same way tonight. Funny how you always write what i think! (i would have used the same words)….a virtual hug to you, sister!!!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 10, 2014 at 8:16 pm

      I hope your day was better today. I’m sending you a HUGE hug!!

      *HUG*

  • sister in Christ :)
    October 11, 2014 at 6:01 am

    Hi, Eden!!You are genuinely one of the funniest, if not the funniest bloggers on the whole internet, but what is even more amazing is all the love you share with others, and so unselfishly so. I take my rainbow-colored cap off for thee and I hope the Lord fills you with His never-ending love and blesses you abundantly.Thank you for being you and thank you for giving me hope as well :)I recommend seeing/reading/listening to “God's love letter to you” (video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDe5Enyl134). Take care, and please do everything you want in order to feel better. For me, I shall continue to dance without any rhythm in my room~wooot~it's a fun pastime xD

  • sister in Christ :)
    October 11, 2014 at 6:21 am

    *if not, the funniest bloggerI don't know how my mind made that sentence! And I do not know why I'm correcting it, as my last sentence isn't properly structured o.oI am a perfectionist.*waddles away*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 11, 2014 at 12:35 pm

      Haha, well that is quite the compliment, thank you!

      I will go check out that link now, thank you for sharing!!

      I’m happy to have you on this journey with me 🙂

      *hugs*

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