I’ll Worry About It Tomorrow

I’ve been overwhelmed with emails from people wondering how court went today. First of all, thank you. Thank you so much for caring.

Today was a rough day.

I went to court and thankfully my Ex was not there. Nevertheless I spent a good majority of it acting like a bumbling idiot. I sat near a window and just tried my best to focus on what was going on outside (absolutely nothing. In 45 mins I didn’t even see a bird. I saw a woman cross the street at one point, but that was it) and keep my mind off of what was going on inside the courtroom.

At least by the window it didn’t feel like the room was closing in on me.

At one point Mr. Attorney Man took me into the hallway to go over some paperwork and as he was talking to me, I just felt like I was a million miles away. He was talking and all I was hearing was the mom from Charlie Brown saying “whomp whomp whompwhomp whomp.”

I was trying to listen to what he was saying, to process what he was telling me, but I felt like I had static running through my brain.

You guys I felt SO stupid. I just wanted to cry.

Mr. Attorney Man and I had a meeting a week or two ago and we talked for literally three hours. He asked me a few times if I wanted to take notes and I was like “nah, I’m cool,” and I was. Two weeks later and I can easily rattle off every sentence that was spoken verbatim.

This morning I didn’t even feel like I could speak English.

I just kept saying “I don’t understand what you are saying to me” and trying not to cry because I felt stupid and I knew I sounded stupid.

Eventually I heard the term “daycare” and was like “ah ha! I know why we are here! We are here to talk about daycare (among other things)!” I think at least that part of the conversation was intelligible on my behalf, but who knows.

We left the courthouse, Mr. Attorney Man asked me if I understood everything that went on, and while I think I caught onto the gist of it at the end, I’ll probably call him in a few days to confirm.

We had parked in the same parking garage and as we made our way there from the courthouse Mr. Attorney Man stopped to get his quintuple-espresso-peanut butter cup-birthday cake-hot fudge sundae-coffee or whatever the hell it is that he drinks (I swear at least some of those words were used and I won’t tell you which one’s, but at least one of them is probably not one that you would have guessed). I stopped in there with him because I had something he needed to sign for the nonprofit and it was freezing outside. While we were standing there I tried to warn him that his coffee was spilling down the side of his cup but he grabbed it anyways, got it all over his hand, and when I pointed out the similarities between him and my children, he then uttered the phrase “I don’t need your help.”

Ok buddy, your choice! I then proceeded to watch him walk all over the coffee shop looking for napkins and eventually he had to ask someone where they were. I however, was looking at the napkins the entire time, but remember, he didn’t need my help. 

“So Eden, why aren’t you telling us how court went?”

Because I can’t. Because answering how court went is almost non-relevant to how the rest of the day went. It’s complicated and messy and wrapped into a big mess that is the culmination of this day and to be honest I just can’t talk about it right now.

I just can’t talk about it because I’m afraid that if I start to let it out, I will completely fall apart and I can’t afford to do that right now.

Tonight my daughter is at the Daddy-Daughter dance at her school. Remember my best friend and her hubby, the couple that I talked about in the post “Make It Count?” Her husband, also a friend of mine, took The Girl Child.

I had called her several weeks ago, told her about the dance, and asked her if her hubby might possibly want to be the stand-in daddy. I was really nervous to ask, I mean how uncomfortable for him if he doesn’t want to take her? How do you not feel obligated to say yes out of guilt? That’s what scared me the most, making them uncomfortable.

He said “yes,” and while I was excited, I was still really nervous that I was putting him out. It wasn’t until my friend called me a few days later and said that he also wanted to take her out to dinner, “anywhere she wants to go, pick someplace nice,” and asked if he should wear a suit that I started to feel better about the whole situation. Last night sealed the deal when I talked to my friend and she said he had been asking his co-workers what to expect. He told her that he was excited because it was his first daddy-daughter dance (they have two adorable sons).

This whole time, these last few weeks, aside from feeling like I was putting him out, I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel when he showed up. The night before my Ex left he had taken The Girl Child to a Daddy-Daughter dance at the YMCA. It was the last thing they ever did together and because of that it’s a memory that is burned into my mind. He had not wanted to take her at all and it was the single cause of our last and final fight.

Knowing how and why I chose my Ex was exactly why I had always wanted The Girl Child to have a strong male role model. The problem was, how do you set an example with the exact thing you are trying to avoid?

You can’t, you don’t, and I couldn’t. I desperately wanted my Ex to be everything for my daughter that she would need in order to not end up with anyone like him, and that was completely unrealistic.

He took her to the dance that night and then he turned right around and walked right out of her life the very next morning.

 This photo was taken 15 hours before he walked out of our house and never saw his daughter again.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about tonight. 

The Girl Child however, she was nothing but thrilled. The kid even had a countdown going on and this morning she exclaimed with gusto “I waited 20 whole days and today is the day!!”

I picked her up from school, painted her nails, straightened her hair (which is how us crazy haired folks “do our hair”), got her all dolled up, and then her daddy-date arrived.

He was beaming you guys. I took one look at him and I could see how excited he was and all of my qualms just melted away. My heart was gushing and I was trying not to weird everyone out by crying.

He gave her a corsage, we snapped a few photos, and off they went.

It’s funny, how the thing I wanted most for her was something that was never meant to be, yet tonight it came in a form that I never could have anticipated.

He isn’t her dad, she isn’t his daughter, but tonight, he is everything that she needs him to be; the example that she always should have had.

It’s 8pm here now.

I spent some time playing “Hungry Hungry Hippo” with this little guy:

While I responded to text messages like this:

The stand-in daddy telling me The Girl Child was having fun, asking what snacks she could have, and sending me pictures of her and her friends.

So I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk about court, or my day, or the fact that my daughter doesn’t really have a dad. I just want to be happy right now in the moment because just like Cinderella I only have a few hours left, she only has a few hours left, and I want to enjoy them.

I’ll deal with reality tomorrow.

View from my front porch tonight

As I keep saying, everything that is going on is nothing that I wanted, but maybe what I wanted was never meant to be. Maybe instead I’ll get everything I need in a way that I never anticipated.
I’ll worry about it tomorrow.

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  • Evelyn
    February 21, 2015 at 3:38 am

    not sure what to say or do other than *hugs* and *pats*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2015 at 6:48 am

      Thanks love 🙂

  • Anonymous
    February 21, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    I cried when I saw the photos of him kneeling next to her and then giving her a corsage. It sucks that the dad man left, and it's so awesome that she got to have that experience last night. Yay, Eden, for planning it!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2015 at 6:48 am

      It was so cute!

  • Mzfuzz
    February 21, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    Way to hang in there, Eden. We never know what tomorrow will bring, so best to enjoy today. Love the pics from the dance, I knew it was going to go amazingly well! 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2015 at 6:48 am

      Thanks hun 🙂

  • R_Cheng
    February 21, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    It is good to hear that your daughter had a great evening however such experiences should not be rare occurrences but in fact a part of daily life. Love and happiness should be shared daily, like food, water and air.I am also ashamed to see that the father of the 'Girl Child' is a weak man. It angers me to read about his conduct which is unthinkable in Oriental culture, here fathers would joyfully die for their children's happiness.I do not mean to offend but I cannot agree with this Western approach to fatherhood, it is disgraceful.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2015 at 6:47 am

      I think unfortunately it spans the cultures. For a long time in China baby girls were given up left and right because sons are more “valuable.” Thankfully the trend seems to be turning on that. 🙂

      You are very right though, it is disgraceful (no matter where it takes place)!


  • Steven Theiss
    February 21, 2015 at 8:51 pm

    Oh Eden, sweetie! Sounds like some pretty traumatic changes are afoot. I wish we could all be physically there for you to lean on. Internet support and hugs are so ephemeral! Whatever it is that's coming, we'll do our best to help you through it.Your children are utterly adorable, and despite the ups and downs, you're doing a fantastic job raising them up to be whole people. And as much as it would be nice for them to have a solid male role model in their lives, the most important thing is that your Ex is NOT in their lives. Focus on that huge positive, rather than the small negative. I've never taken either of my daughters to a Daddy/daughter dance, because that's not our “thing”. To be honest, I find the whole concept a little bit creepy. We do our togetherness in other ways.Good luck, hon. We'll be here waiting when the time comes to drop the other shoe. Always remember that you are loved.

  • Anonymous
    February 22, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    Good point, R_Cheng! Guys, did you know that the continent of Asia has never produced one single dysfunctional family or deadbeat dad??? It's true!!![for readers who may have trouble detecting sarcasm: wink wink]

  • Anonymous
    February 22, 2015 at 4:56 pm

    When people go to the doctor for something traumatic (cancer, etc.,), it is recommended that they bring along a supportive friend or family member who can take notes and help them ask questions, because it is recognized that they themselves will be so overwhelmed and shocked that they may not remember much of what is said.Most abused women are probably in the same situation… you just experienced it firsthand. It is too late to help you with Friday, of course, but your nonprofit needs to set up some sort of “buddy” system where a supportive volunteer goes along in such traumatic situations (in your case, obviously the lawyer is not that person, he's part of the big picture going on around) so they can tell the woman what the judge said, what was decided, nudge her and remind her what she's supposed to be saying (if/when she freezes or goes GURK,) etc.Might also be a good idea to try and aim it towards them being older people if possible (the volunteers for this “duty”,) sort of /grand/motherly like, nonthreatening (so the courts and the mediation situations don't find them to be threatening or intrusive, and the women find them comforting and a support,) and they could just be there to (try to) keep the women from blanking out or freaking out or falling apart, and help them stay strong and interact and all. (Just like in the doctor's offices.)Something to consider… !!!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2015 at 6:54 am

      I really should bring someone with me. I think personally for me the issue is the decisions I need to make when I am there, things that someone else can’t really make for me. I just trust that Mr. Attorney Man has my best interests in mind and hope it all works out on the legal end. I think for most women they really could benefit from having someone with them! For me personally, I need less people. I just need people to not talk to me. Too much interaction is completely overwhelming, but again that’s just me. I’m blessed bc I do have good communication with my attorney so I can call him afterwards and get a pretty good account of what went on, but I would highly recommend anyone who doesn’t have the same dynamic Mr. Attorney Man and I do to absolutely take someone with them.

      Great idea though for sure 🙂

  • Anonymous
    February 22, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    I think you totally missed the point of that comment lol

  • Anonymous
    February 22, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    Your husband should have killed you when he had the chance. Clearly you have no business surviving in the real world or raising children. Women like you disgust me, to bad your Ex didn't do us all a favor and get rid of you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2015 at 6:56 am

      Wow OP, thanks for your opinion,

      To the replier, I agree!

  • Anonymous
    February 22, 2015 at 8:10 pm

    Spoken like an abusive methhead freak who doesn't support his kids and lives a parasitical existence alienating all his family in between pissing away money on drugs! (Commenters like you make me wish your parents had heard of birth control.)

  • Anonymous
    February 23, 2015 at 3:04 am

    lmao obvious troll, why even bother replying to it?

  • Anonymous
    February 23, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    no, i definitely didn't.

  • Anonymous
    February 23, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    Anon 2, I think Anon 1 was annoyed by Cheng's characterizing Eden's ex's behavior as a “Western approach to fatherhood” as opposed to just a sad failure of an adult. That, really, could happen anywhere. Even the Orient!Love, Anon 3

  • MarShana
    March 2, 2015 at 1:00 pm

    I've been reading your blog for awhile now,and you go Supermom!!! Kudos to the friend who took your daughter to the dance,now that is a real man,and dad. Sending good vibes your way for the court/ex situation. Keep your head up and keep moving forward Eden! -Marshana

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 3, 2015 at 6:49 am

      Aw thanks hun 🙂 And welcome to the comments section!!! I love “meeting” readers 🙂

      Big *hugs* !!

  • Anonymous
    March 14, 2015 at 6:51 am

    Hi Eden,I have never commented on a blog, before, but there is something that might be really, really important to mention to you – privately. Please keep anything that could identify me, completely private (I don't know what you see, on your end). After “hearing” my concern, you can decide if you want to publish the comment on your blog, or to keep it for your own private information, but either way, please keep my identifying info private. (my concerns will make sense, once I explain).So far, this “online-response” hasn't requested any identifying information for you to use, contacting me, and I am not sure how to know if you see this, and respond, but will try.So, bottom line: is there a way to send you a “private” message, that doesn't show up on your “public” blog, unless you decide, after reading it, to publish it?This is potentially really important, although I hope I am wrong.Thank you.

  • Anonymous
    March 15, 2015 at 9:43 pm

    oops, I am not sure if the reply I just typed was 'secretly' sent to you, or disappeared into a secret place in cyber space… so sorry if this is a repeat…Thank you for your email address… If I send you an email from my own, 'normal' email address, who can see my address?Is it “only you”” or could “random others” see it, also. When I say “only” you, I mean you, your attorney, and anyone who is definitely safe and confidential, as opposed to “random” and/or “not-so-random-and-not-so-safe” others?Those trust issues you mention…? Well, as you well know, some of us have Very Good Reasons for these… “name the issue” issues….Thank you,A Pocket Full of Issues… or was that tissues….?btw, in case you are able to individually identify your commenters, I am the running my internet connection thru a security thing, which I removed the first time I emailed, but I am the same person…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 16, 2015 at 2:55 am

      I’m the only one who has access to the email account and its contents 🙂

  • Anonymous
    March 18, 2015 at 5:27 am

    Ok, thanks. Hahaha… sometime after I wrote this, I saw the “contact Eden” button, at the top of the page… but I also saw some emails posted, so I am assuming the emails don't “automatically” post, right?I will go ahead and send you an email from my own email, to the email address that you gave.I am touched by so many of the things you have written. The first one I saw was An Open Letter To Any Woman Who's Ever Been Abused: I Hear You.Thank you for hearing and listening…. we all need it…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 18, 2015 at 8:21 am

      I’m not sure what you mean by “emails posted.” Sometimes people leave thier email addresses or whatnot in the comments section, but there haven’t been any actual emails posted. Yep, everything that comes to me is confidential 🙂

      Thank you for your sweet words!! They mean the world to me.


  • Anonymous
    March 19, 2015 at 8:34 am

    Hi again,You are welcome, we all need kind words, sentiments and hugs, so here you go… *bunches of hugs*, and thank you for the ones you gave to me, also. I really need them, too. This can be a long, lonely road out.It looks like I was saw a “comment” posted in the “comments” section of your “contact” section and mistakenly thought it was a private email sent to the email address, and then posted in the comments section.When I said that I had Never participated in a blog before, I meant “never”, as in completely clueless about how all of this works, etc… Truly wasn't 'kidding', so I think I just misinterpreted that section.This will probably be the first of many mistakes that we can all just sit back and shake our heads, and chuckle :)btw, I sent the email last night, so please let me know if it drifted to the wrong place in cyber space…Thanks again

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 19, 2015 at 9:44 am

      Haha, no worries, this entire blog has been a learning curve for me!

      I’m working my way through emails tonight and tomorrow so you should hear from me soon!!


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