Hell If I Know!

Last week Mr. Attorney Man asked me if I wanted to meet up with him so that we could chat about everything from the nonprofit to my writing career, and my court case to my financial situation. The idea was to basically knock out all the topics in one sitting rather than drag everything out over a series of hard-to-schedule phone calls.

I declined.

Truthfully, I wasn’t sure really what I would say in this meeting, and inevitably I felt like it would be a waste of his time.

He’s a busy man, and if there is anything I do know, it’s that you don’t waste the time of a busy man. But aside from knowing that, I’m really not sure what I do know these days.

For example, three companies that I write for, including Yahoo Parenting, shut down last month, and took with them almost the entirety of my paycheck.

I also found out that I’m losing the childcare subsidy that I have for my son, and because of that and the fact that I can’t afford the cost of childcare on the salary that I make, within the next few months I will need to transition into become a working mother without childcare.

How does that even work?

I don’t know.

Seriously, hell if I know.

If you knew my kids, you would know that I can’t even catch my breath between the relentless stream of questions they ask me and the unbelievable amount of assistance that they require of me. And that is totally fine since they are kids and that is kind of their job, but… somehow, I’m now supposed to work a paying job and concurrently attend to my very talkative children.


And sure, some people do it and I really, really, admire those people, but I’m just not sure that I’m one of them.

I don’t know how to be a full time mother and a full time employee at literally the exact same time. I’m not afraid to say #SorryNotSorry, I’m just not that good.

Nope, not that good.

At least the nonprofit is doing great! But if I don’t have any childcare (for the job that I don’t currently have), then how do I spend my time working on the nonprofit and with it’s clients, if the limited amount of time that I can get my child(ren) to self occupy, needs to be spent finding a new job or hopefully working at said new job?



Which is also the word that I am applying to my finances right now, because I have absolutely no idea how to manage a budget without an income.

So, I didn’t meet with Mr. Attorney Man, because I don’t have any of the answers to the questions he may ask, and I have a million questions that if I’m being honest here, scare me too much to think about.

So that’s basically where my head is at today.

And by that, I mean my head exploded.

But, this wouldn’t be the first time that I’ve been tooling along down the road only to come across an impassable bridge, been forced to sit down on a bench, and take a good look at the map to find an alternate route, so I’m sure it will be fine, but wow.


Boo hiss.

I mean how many plans can I make, succeed at, and then watch come crashing down through no fault of my own?

Yet, I can’t help but laugh (even though I kind of feel like I should cry), because the black cloud that keeps catching up to me has gotten so ridiculous that at this point it’s just funny.

I mean really, this is getting a bit old.

But I’m here, I’m alive, my kids are healthy (YAY!), and we will be OK.

I’m not going to get myself all worked up that this is the end, because I’m choosing to be excited about the fact that this is just simply the beginning of something new.

I like new. Even if it is getting to be a bit redundant, new is shiny, adventurous, and fresh.

New is opportunity.

So today, I’m still not ready to sit down and have a chat with Mr. Attorney Man because I don’t have a plan yet to offer him, but what I do have, and what I’m working on today, is opportunity.

And I like opportunity.

The moment that you realize you can’t see the straight path ahead of you, is the moment that you get to step off the trail and discover something new.

In life, doors will open, and then they may close. You may even find yourself standing in a room with a very tiny window and your only plan is to finagle your way through it and see what’s on the other side.

I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to go about this, but I am, because I can’t stay in this room where there is nothing left for me.

When life closes a door, take the window, even if it’s smaller and tighter and doesn’t seem like much of an upgrade to the door you used to have, you just never know what might be on the other side of the window.

Sometimes you need to leave the room, climb out of the window, and step into the world.

I heard a saying once that said “I didn’t come this far, to only come this far” and that is SO true.

I didn’t come this far, to get stuck sitting on the wrong side of a window.

So whatever your path may be, and no matter how many times you need to start over, never forget to live the life you want to lead, and not just the one you settled for.


Photo Credits:

Pedestrian signs

Fork in the path

End of road

Deer on path

Dead end sign


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  • peter
    March 17, 2016 at 11:14 am

    I'm continually amazed by your positive attitude through all the insanity of your life. Maybe your ex will suddenly win the lottery and the government will take all the back child support out of his winnings. Wouldn't that be a hell of a window to climb through? Hahaha I'll keep praying for your life to improve. Good luck!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 18, 2016 at 6:12 am

      Hahaha, hey, stranger things have happened! Wouldn’t that be a great blog post!?

  • Summer
    March 17, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    I'm so sorry to hear that those companies closed, I didn't know Yahoo Parenting shut down, that really is horrible! So sad to hear about your childcare too, I thought the government was supposed to offer free childcare to low income families and they suck for not coming through. You are so strong and brave and your outlook on life inspires me to be a better person. I wish I could give you a hug and a mansion and like a million dollars because you deserve the world after all you have been through. Sending positive vibes your way, I know you will find a way through this side you are a fighter!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 18, 2016 at 6:12 am

      Yahoo was such a shock to me! Each state has some kind of childcare subsidy, but my state is broke and cut the budget for it 🙁

      Thank you for your encouraging words, I really, truly, appreciate them!!

  • Facebook
    March 17, 2016 at 3:56 pm

    Bless you ongoingly, and success in finding your new path.

  • Facebook
    March 17, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    You amazing. Your not giving yourself enough credit. Everything will come to pass and you will figure something out. Wether it's being a fulltime mommie AND a full time employee. Or a stay at home mom writing till her heart is content. There are millions of companies looking for people to write . Right? So try not stress over the things you have no control over and work towards the things you do. You got this mommie

  • murrmurr_03
    March 17, 2016 at 5:44 pm

    *hugs* Here's to sunshine after the rain. I hope things get better soon

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 18, 2016 at 6:10 am

      Thank you my love!

  • Anonymous
    March 17, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    I am sure you'll figure something out. My kids are 5 and 2 and I'm a translator. It's crazy working with them at home, but it can be done. And I'm not super woman either (far from it). They watch a lot of tv… but you gotta do what you gotta do, right?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 18, 2016 at 6:11 am

      So it can be done!! Yay!!

      And hey, there is a lot of educational TV out there these days 🙂

  • Unknown
    March 17, 2016 at 7:59 pm

    Reminds me of something my pastor brought up that sticks with me now, that line from the note in Shawshenk redemption when Red gets to the wall, “you've come this far, maybe you will come a little farther”

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 18, 2016 at 6:10 am

      I love that!!!

  • Anonymous
    March 18, 2016 at 1:05 pm

    A Fan Here: couple of questions!1. I hope this okay to ask but when is the book coming out? Last time I had read about it, it was coming out in about six months, but that was two years ago:-/ did I miss it??2. Don't worry about not being able to meet Mr. Attorney Man- in all my years I've never encountered a lawyer, legal aid, etc. that does this many hours (YEARS now?) for pro bono AND is asking their client to talk MORE so he's clearly in it for the long run!3. How on earth did you lose your child care? Is it because you aren't showing a job, since they don't provide child care for people who aren't working? I would suggest getting a normal 9-5 job and reapplying – they ARE pretty strict when it comes to only providing child care for people who need it, but the great thing is that if you need it, it's there! (I'm in your state so I gotcha!) I know it totally sucks but don't worry, we (single mamas) have ALLLLL had to do it, we have all had to make it work somehow someway, and as long as you try you'll get more results than if you didn't! Thanks.A Fan

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 18, 2016 at 6:17 am

      #1 The book went back to rewrite because I decided that it really needed Mr. Attorney Man’s voice added into it 🙂 Then we both got crazy busy and it’s taking us a lot longer to finish than I anticipated 🙁

      #2 Speaking of Mr. Attorney Man, I do pay him for most of my legal services, and then he works with me on some of it as well:) Beyond that we have several business endeavors together, so we’ve moved a bit beyond just a pro bono relationship (although it’s still a professional one), but I still don’t like to waste his time!! 🙂

      #3 My state is broke ass broke, and their genius idea was to cut the funding to the child care program. Great idea huh? I’m trying to figure out what I can do, but I’m not sure how this will play out…. (

  • Anonymous
    March 18, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    PS- (anonymous fan again)- I know what you mean by inquisitive kids that need all that extra attention- if only we were millionaires that had the luxury of staying home but alas, that's life! Don't worry, you've got tons upon tons of fellow single mamas stuck having to do what's hard instead of what we want!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 18, 2016 at 6:17 am

      True Story!!

  • CD
    March 18, 2016 at 11:39 pm

    Wow, it looks like Yahoo is seriously scaling back. And they seriously cut ALL daycare funding in your state? Fuckin goverment, I swear…But you can do this, Eden. You can, and you have. You've been here before and you ALWAYS manage to get yourself out. Remember that!

  • Anonymous
    March 19, 2016 at 2:23 am

    There's still funding for child care in her state so idk what that is about?? Pls explain eden!!!

  • Anonymous
    March 19, 2016 at 6:40 pm

    If she's in the same state as me (and I'm pretty sure she is), then yea, the child care program is all fucked up. The funding was mostly cut. No new applications, and for the people that were on it, many were dropped from the program for all kinds of reasons, and the people that didn't get dropped, the premiums were increased.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 21, 2016 at 2:55 am

      I don’t think they cut all of it, but most of it got cut, along with many people being cut off, and the guidelines are now much different. To top it off, because they are so delayed (the state), many providers have stopped taking it at all since they don’t know when they will get paid. It’s crazy and really sad 🙁 Stupid politicians!

      • NotMyShametoBear
        March 21, 2016 at 2:55 am

        I just realized that I posted almost the same thing as the anonymous above me…

  • nichole jenkins
    March 22, 2016 at 10:12 am

    You've been on my mind so ive been praying for you. Hope things are looking better.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 30, 2016 at 7:34 am

      Thank you love, I’m just taking it one day at a time 🙂 You’re the best!


  • Jim F
    March 25, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    In the mists of the turmoil that is you life I am constantly amazed and wow'ed at your strength and ability to always look on the positive! You are funny, very smart, hard working for sure and wise beyond your years! You keep chugging away (not Chucky as in bench dude) you inspire me to do better … thank you. Visualizing the best for you, kinda like praying only specific to you, have a great day!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 30, 2016 at 7:36 am

      You are MUCH too kind to me, thank you so much! Hahaha, BENCH DUDE!!!

      Seriously, thank you so much.

  • Hope McNamarra
    March 28, 2016 at 7:15 pm

    Sorry to hear about the yahoo parenting coming to an end….maybe that'll open the doors to something even bigger and better though, or one can only HOPE!! Cutting child care subsidies is a bad move on our state's part and I was curious how you were receiving one before as in your welfare article you stated you didn't have the time to sit through the required courses to get TANF AND since you work from home you wouldn't be elgible anyway for a subsidy. It sucks but you'll have to work a regular job just like the rest of us and I'm sure they'll help you out with childcare if you actually need it….so many jobs that need to be filled and I'm sure youl find something regardless of it's pay. You've had a long time to get your shit together so why not consider this an extra push to doing just that. Best of luck!!

  • Kathleen
    March 28, 2016 at 10:03 pm

    Well if that isn't a backhanded comment. “You've had long enough to get your shit together.” Oh so please, do tell, what exactly is an appropriate amount of time for someone with two medically fragile children, no education, no family support, and no supportive ex, to get themselves a high powered career?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 28, 2016 at 5:24 am

      Haha, right? “I’ll just pretend to be nice but really, I’m not.”

      And I have no idea what you are talking about in regards to required courses to get TANF. I most definitely have never said that. In fact, TANF doesn’t even have anything like that. To get TANF you must be either doing job training or volunteering. No required courses. And I’m not even on TANF, nor do I want to be. I want to work.

      As for the childcare subsidy, you can absolutely get it while working from home. Hell you can even get childcare for sleeping hours if you work an overnight job. Or at least you could before they cut the program.

      “I’m sure they will help you out with childcare if you actually need it.” Perfect! Since you seem to know so much, could you please come help all my nonprofit clients who are working jobs outside of the home, meet the income guidelines for assistance, and yet can’t get childcare because the program is shutting down? Or,the clients like me who miss days of work at a time because of their sick kids, and then when they are able to go to work, haven’t meet the minimum number of working hours required in the previous week, to receive childcare for the weeks that they do work? Because with the barely functioning program (major shutdowns) and the way that it’s structured, most people were dropped and many of the remaining ones no longer qualify, so if you could just pop over to the child care subsidy office and fix that for us, that would really be super, and apparently you are super smart! Also, since they are taking ZERO new applicants, could you please watch the children of all my new single mothers? They need childcare as well.

      Seriously, give me a break. It’s not as easy as you make it out to be. I have two kids who are hospitalized or have surgery on a regular basis. One child which required 25+ hours of therapy a week for months on end. I can’t just go get a job at Walmart “regardless of the pay,” because they would never be able to accommodate my schedule, and the health of my kids is not a hobby. It’s not about me not wanting a low paying job, it’s about the fact that I need a job that can work around the medical needs of my kids and ever the changing schedule that their health brings, and I’ve yet to find that within my education level and my own physical abilities.

      But I’m sure you already know all of that.

      What the perfect answer is, I really have no idea, but I’m working on that. So sorry if that’s not fast enough for you.

  • Anonymous
    March 28, 2016 at 11:07 pm

    Wow Hope, that was kind of bitchy. We can all see how hard Eden is trying. No need to make her feel bad. It takes people a long time to build a life, and she doesn't have much help.


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