A Shocking Self Reflection, Done Entirely In Selfies

I did something the other night that I’ve really never done before; I read a few blogs.
You would think, that as a blogger myself, that I would also be an avid blog reader. Unfortunately that is not the case. I know, I know, it probably makes me seem super un-supportive of my fellow bloggers, but the truth is that I barely have enough time to write this blog, let alone read one.
I’m kind of a loser.
But the other day I found myself in bed reading who the heck-knows-what, and for reasons that I can’t even remember, I eventually started scouring the Internet for all of the most popular women’s blogs.
And let me tell you, it was quite the eye opening experience for me, because I learned that not only do most of the other bloggers in Internet land have amazing husbands, perfect kids, gorgeous houses, exciting jobs, take lavish vacations, and spend an exorbitant amount of time throwing parties, they also just look… better than me.
Um, like in every single way.
For example, the fashion blogs. How on earth do women do that? And by “that,” I mean look so damn good all the time. I must have scoured pages upon pages of bloggers teaching the world how to match plaid with florals, and here I am, honestly just happy if I can match my socks.
In fact as I write this, I’m sitting in my friend’s daughter’s old t-shirt, and my underwear. It’s not as glamorous as it sounds (humor me and just pretend that before I made that disclaimer you thought it sounded a little glamorous).
But the biggest shocker to me, aside from their totally perfect lives, was how in nearly every single photo of said bloggers, they all looked perfect too. Like it isn’t just their lives that are perfect, but them too. With the exception of a few snapshots where a child was eating a melting ice cream cone (please remind me to take a photo of my kids eating a messy ice cream cone, so that I too can be part of the club), everyone looked amazing, ALL THE TIME. I even came across pictures of bloggers painting their bedrooms while wearing white linen sundresses, and copious amounts of photos taken in hospital beds, with captions that practically screamed “I just had a baby 5 minutes ago and look at how perfect my hair and makeup is.”
Do you know what I looked like 5 minutes after I had a baby? I looked liked nothing because my head was in a barf bucket, and the last time I painted a room, I wore a shower cap because for the life of me, I cannot seem to avoid getting paint in my hair.
So yea, basically, I’m not them.
I am just not that perfect, which was clearly evident when I migrated back from their blogs into my own. As I started looking through the pages of my own blog, I realized that not only have I clearly not achieved the level of perfection that the other bloggers exude from their pages, but that I have most definitely dropped below a level of “less than perfect” and have landed somewhere that I will just call “why the hell did you post that?”

I mean sure, I talk about rape, domestic violence, and child abuse. I also let the details of my financially disastrous life and humiliating break-ups hang out all over Internet land, but seriously Eden, why did I need to back it up with so much photographic evidence?

I mean all the other bloggers are over there swearing up and down, left and right, that they do not have tattooed eyebrows and they just magically look amazing after swimming in Niagra Falls on one of their luxury vacations, and here I am proclaiming, “THIS IS NOT MY REAL NOSE!

And no, it’s not even like someone caught a bad photo of me and I just happened to post it on my blog, most of my awful photos are selfies, i.e. photo’s that I willingly took of myself, and then shared with you.
Like the time I shared with you that my friend was nervous to try a new hair removal cream, and so I volunteered to join her.

Did I see any other bloggers willingly posting “I just got out of bed and I have no makeup on” photos? (And no, I’m not talking about the “I got back in bed for the photo after I took a shower and applied natural looking makeup” photos that I’m fairly convinced most bloggers use, but I’m talking about an actual picture where I literally got out of bed, and applied nothing but hair removal cream, and then posted it all for you to see.)

Did I see anyone else doing weird shit like that?

Nope, just me.

Did I see any other bloggers super excited when they discovered that Walgreens had a sex section?


Definitely not.


Anyone else posting about losing a bet to their child and agreeing to wear her child’s rain coat to school?


In fact while most people were posting pictures of their lavish dinner parties, I’m over here having footie pajama parties with my Platonic Hubby.


And super strange fashion shows with some super bizarre outfit that Frisbee Boy’s Mom gave me.


In fact, speaking of her, do you remember the time Frisbee Boy’s Mom convinced me to try on what I can only assume was some stranger’s sex shoes? Or as she called them “Come fuck me” shoes?


I guess because I am also the kind of person that agrees to wear stuff like this.

And do things like this.

And layer like this.


(What, you’ve never seen this on a fashion blog?)

And I know that some of you just come here to chat and get advice, but unfortunately sometimes all you get are conversations like the time I told you about my Platonic Husband taking me into the city where we got trapped in the parking garage (after watching a woman shopping while wearing slippers and a shower cap, and seeing a lady outside with her cat, who was wearing a sweater. Yes, the cat. Sweater. On the cat).

I don’t even remember what the hell this was, but I think it was for some post where I was angry…

And then there is my infamous editorial bio picture. I’ll never forget my editor emailing me after I uploaded it to ask “what the hell happened to your face?”

Or even better yet, there was the time I accidentally drew a penis on my face and didn’t even notice it until I got about a hundred emails from you guys, all asking why I had a dick face.

And while everyone else was posting pictures of their amazing midnight kiss on New Years Eve, this was me. Remember the New Years Eve party?


Beach vacation photos? Not a chance, because where I was, it was -17 out.

Hot dance party? Apparently not, because I look like this kind of nerd.


5k training? (Seriously, is every, single, blogger also a runner these days?) Cuz although I do enjoy a good run, I’m over here posting pictures of myself running through foam and pretending that I’m some kind of athlete.

Cocktails and wine tasting? More like the time it took my Platonic Hubby and I nearly an entire bottle of rum to figure out how to make a daiquiri. I had never seen a blender overflow like that before…

Which you know by now is pretty typical of the weird shit that happens anytime I get together with my friends, because unlike all of the other bloggers and their super perfect friends, my friends are just as weird as I am. (Sorry friends. Love you.)

I mean sure, sometimes we get a couple of nice selfies out of our get togethers….

…But generally, just like us, there is nothing normal about our pics.





At least I’ve posted a few “normal-ish” photos of The Girl Child and me.

Er.. I mean… Uh…
This is better….

The Boy Child on the other hand…







I’m not sure how those kids are going to turn out as anything but strange, because have you seen their mother?




I mean everyone else is over on their blogs like “look at this amazing clothing ensemble that I have put together today, aren’t I fashionable?” And I’m over here like “let’s take our clothes off for a minute and talk about reclaiming our sexuality. Which, probably makes me the slutty blogger.



In fact, do you remember the goofy blog I wrote about wearing a new bra to the gym, and at one point I walked past the mirror and realized that it was riding up and I looked like a total slut? It was a post that was used to totally poked fun at myself….


… but also caused several readers to go completely ballistic that I would dare show so much skin. Instead of doing the normal blogger thing and issuing a politically correct apology, I egged them on by proclaiming that I was more than just my sexuality… complete with pictures to incite them.



Sure, I’ve tried to take a few “nice” selfies, but I just don’t feel like they are “me.”

(And no, I did not dye my hair, it’s just the difference between the reflection of the sun)

But I can honestly say that I don’t like those pictures as much, because they are definitely missing my usual spunk!!

So if you are looking for the fashionable girl, with perfect children, politically correct yet-still-sexy selfies, who isn’t wearing hair removal cream (or an accidental dick) on her face, and doesn’t have a sticker mustache, then you are on the wrong blog.




Eventually I closed out all tabs that I had lined up across the top of my computer screen, each one linking to the page of a blogger who is apparently doing life right, and I sat there realizing that I wasn’t any of those other bloggers, and that I never would be.

I am just not that perfect.

In fact, sometimes I get paint in my hair.

Or accidentally draw a dick on my face.

As I continued to sit there and let it sink in that I’ve been over here blogging about what a disaster I am and how I’m doing it all wrong, everyone else has been taking their little corner of the Internet and using it to showcase how they’ve been doing life better than me. And while I let the panic ripple through me and fade out through my heart, I came to a startling conclusion.

I’m OK with that.

I don’t need to be what people are expecting to see when they land on my blog, because I don’t need to be perfect in order to star in a life worth living. I love that I’ve created this weird little space to showcase my dorkiness, because those perfect bloggers? I really don’t believe that they exist outside of the lens in which they are willing to let you view them.
So, perfect, you won’t find that here, which is amazing, because it allows all of you in.
Welcome to the weirdest club that you have ever been a part of, the only one where you don’t have to put on a matching t-shirt and be defined by a group, to be accepted as part of the group. A place where you don’t need to be perfect, in order to be everything that someone might need; and a place where you don’t need to be perfect, to be worthy.
If we all just spent a little more time accepting that we don’t need to be accepted, just think of the time we would have left to focus on how awesome we really are.
You are awesome, because every way that you are not “perfect,” is just another example of how you are unique.
People don’t come to my blog looking for fashion advice, or party ideas. They don’t come here looking for stories of romance and amazing parenting advice. I don’t hand out financial tips and help people figure out what color to paint their bedrooms.
People come here because they feel lost, broken, and want to see that despite their cracks, that they are not worthless. I don’t know when blogland turned into a competition of perfection, but you will never find that here.
Here, in the land of reality, we accept our imperfections, just like I accept all of you.
If you look around at other people and you just don’t feel like your life is quite up to par, stop looking at them. Their lives are not measure of your success, and their accomplishments do not reflect on you.
You are you, and you need to let everyone else, be everyone else.
When we spend all our time looking at other people, we voluntarily give up the time we need to celebrate ourselves.
We have all come from different walks of life, and because of that our paths will not be the same. We are not headed in the same direction, so stop worrying about how other people are getting there.
Live your life your way, because the way that others are living theirs will be of no concern to you when your focus is on the only person that it should be on; the only person who should really matter to you.

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  • peter
    March 9, 2016 at 12:03 pm

    Even with all the craziness in your life I'll bet you have more fun than they all do. They spend lotsa money to impress people with those parties while you take your kids to all sorts of fun places, and you do most of it for free. Plus, you realized long ago they're the only two you need to impress, so to speak. Also, from reading your blog it's clear your kids are as perfect as any other blogger's. And from what you've shown of yourself you're just as good looking as anyone. Your life is an adventure in so many ways. Besides that, what you do for so many people is far more important than matching plaid and florals.One question- how did you not break your ankles wearing those shoes? LOL I've never understood why women wear something that looks so uncomfortable.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 10, 2016 at 10:59 am

      Lol, aw thanks. We do have fun around here! I’m glad some of that is able to shine through the craziness ๐Ÿ˜‰

      And as for those shoes, I did not walk in them! I stood in one spot, snapped some photos, and then chatted about how I did not intend to break my leg in a Goodwill store!

  • Facebook
    March 9, 2016 at 7:23 pm

    Perfection is static – it has no room for growth or change. Viva weird and glorious imperfection!

  • Facebook
    March 9, 2016 at 7:24 pm

    Blah. You're gorgeous, you have awesome kids and friends, and you look like you're a ton of fun to be around. You shouldn't worry about other bloggers, your blog is what we come to read. Thank god I don't blog. It'd be the most boring blog. Ever.

  • K8daGr8
    March 10, 2016 at 7:49 pm

    All that is why we come here. We are tired of the rat race and striving for perfection and the 'American Dream'. It simply doesn't exist! Remember our forefathers said we are entitled to the 'pursuit of the American Dream' never leading on that we would ever find it! All those bloggers show their lives through a filter! Someone once commented on how genuinely happy I seemed and perfect my life was. I almost choked! I asked if they knew it was medicinally induced–they had no idea! I have GAD and the only escape I get from my own scrutiny is sleep—good to know you can't tell from looking at me :)thanks for being transparent!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 15, 2016 at 9:34 am

      “Medicinally induced” lol. We are all struggling with something, yet so many of us are struggling alone because we think we are the only ones ๐Ÿ™ And you are right about our forefathers!! I’m happy you are here ๐Ÿ™‚

  • peter
    March 11, 2016 at 12:37 pm

    Haha I remembered reading that you'd had ankle problems before, and those things look very painful. And yes, the fun y'all have definitely shines through. I'm amazed by how positive you manage to be considering the things you've been through. Very inspiring.

  • Anonymous
    March 11, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    I'm not trying to talk shit but you sound like you're hating on their blogs. Some may not be genuine and some of them may have a good life with a great husband. Not everyone has gone through the things you have that's not a reason to bash them. Just because you like to post your personal shit out there doesn't make you a better person. I understand that you have gone through many unfortunate situations but don't victimize your self either. You seem very self centered and you like people to pity you. You can make a change without putting a lot of nonsense out there. Stop comparing yourself and stop thinking of what others may think of you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 15, 2016 at 9:46 am

      Thank you Peter ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Anonymous
    March 12, 2016 at 1:53 am

    I saw this come through my email comment updates or whatever it's called and I couldn't help but laugh. My best guess is that you are one of those “perfect” bloggers. I'm sure you'll say you aren't, but your defensiveness makes me believe otherwise. She wasn't hating on them, she was saying that she will never be them because she is a mess. I personally love how she portrays herself and if she cleaned it up, I wouldn't be here. But sure, Eden starts a nonprofit and replys thoughtfully, to every email I've ever sent her or every comment I've left (as it appears she does with most comments), and you think she is self centered. Self reflecting is different than self centered. This blog is her place of reflection. If you want to use yours as your place to show off, then so be it, but don't think you have us fooled that great lives and great husband's mean that life is wonderful all the time.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 15, 2016 at 9:41 am

      I’m not talking shit, I’m calling it like I see it. Other bloggers are either doing life a million times better than me, or they are lying. It’s one or the other, and either way I don’t care. I’m imperfect and that is what this space is.

      Any hate you are feeling is from your own projections because I certainly didn’t say that, nor did I “bash” anyone. I’m certainly not “wanting people to pity me” when the whole point of this post was to say “I’m not perfect and I’m happy with that.”

      If your life is great and happy, then I’m happy for you and I’ll turn your advice back to you. “Stop caring what other people think,” me included. Why do you care what I think? If you are lying about your great life, then stop. There’s no need for that because we don’t need to be perfect.

      But either way, if you choose to make your space more polished looking than mine, then more power to you. You do you, and I’ll do me.

  • Facebook
    March 14, 2016 at 2:55 pm

    I have lots of pictures of my house looking all nice and clean. But that's only because I stop and take self-congratulatory pictures after I've finished an area. Dishes all done? Click. Toddler's room all picked up and clothes put away? Click. Got all the toys in the toy bin before baby woke up and pulled them all out again? Click, click, and post to Facebook. Of course these things never happen all at the same time but put the photos together and no one would know!

  • Facebook
    March 14, 2016 at 2:56 pm

    I'm laughing so hard….many people look at blogs, facebook, etc. and always see other people's “PERFECT” lives. At least you show your humor and imperfections! Thanks

  • Anonymous
    March 15, 2016 at 12:21 am

    I found your blog through a Google search that returned your 2013 article on xojane. You saved someone today. I thought you should know that. Thank you so much. At 38, I just realized I'm the only sane one. Giving more than I had, in every way that I could, until the burden of it made me chronically ill. And still not gaining acceptanceโ€”or even avoiding their abuse. This weekend, I blocked numbers on my phone, people on Facebook and other social media, as the first step in protecting myself. Today, feeling like I might be a weirdo for having “no family,” I went to Google to see if I was a weirdo, everything was my fault, etc., but instead I found your brave story. And now, your beautifully imperfect blog. Thank you again. I hope this post wasn't a trigger for you because I want you to know that, honestly and truly, you saved someone today.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 15, 2016 at 9:48 am

      You are NOT a weirdo!! You are STRONG and BRAVE and saving yourself. You are amazing and I just want to hug you right now!!!!


  • Anonymous
    March 15, 2016 at 1:27 pm

    Nobody is calling you slutty- you can stop using that as an excuse to post the same pictures of your bare back!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 15, 2016 at 9:43 am

      Well for starters, you are wrong because a lot of people called me slutty, but in all truth, I’m not using that as my excuse to post pictures of my back again, I’m really just posting them to keep pissing off the people that are so annoyed by it.

      Apparently it worked.

      I win!

  • Anonymous
    March 15, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    Do pictures of bare backs frighten trolls? I'm not up on troll lore so I never knew.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 15, 2016 at 9:49 am

      HAHAHA! Nice!

  • afairytale84
    March 15, 2016 at 4:18 pm

    You're gorgeous. :)Those “perfect” blogs have always kind of creeped me out. Nothing against them, really. It's probably just my own cynical brain talking though. I just feel, personally, like they're putting on a front. One thing that my mother says that has always made sense to me is “Show me someone who claims to have no issues, who claims to have the perfect life, and I'll show you someone with more issues than you can count.”Obviously those blogs exist because people want to read them. And that's fine for them. If you want to spend your time and energy on appearances and stuff like that, then do what makes you happy. It's just not for me.And then there are the “life” blogs like what you've got here. More about people's day-to-day lives and struggles. These are more the type of thing I like to read. I am far more interested in reading about people's lives and struggles than about how perfect their house looks, how perfect their children are, etc. I get enough of the “perfect” stuff from the people I interact with face-to-face. I don't need more of it online. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 18, 2016 at 6:07 am

      I love reading “real life” stories. As I said, I’m not much of a blog reader, but it’s the hard hitting stuff that I personally want to read. It makes me feel less alone and less… weird for being different. But to each their own and I’m glad there is something for everyone!

  • Anonymous
    April 29, 2016 at 9:18 pm

    I think we all are just human, complete with our insecurities and issues and flaws. The courageous and healthy thing is to be upfront about it. Show people your worst if you wish.I think many of these perfect bloggers do the opposite and try to hide their insecurities from everyone and spend a ridiculous amount of time cherry picking the best of themselves to show to the world hoping it is good enough. When you think about it its quite sad and I'm surprised those were the only blogs you've found. Personally I only frequent blogs like yours. Theres only one way to be perfect. It's imperfection thats interesting and full of life. Being human is being imperfect, kudos for being a full human complete with the courage to share all of it.And btw feel welcome to read my own stories if you wish. No perfection there either. At least I hope there isn't ๐Ÿ˜›


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