The Most Shocking Post I’ve Ever Written

A few weeks ago I was at the YMCA gym, working hard to tone my butt on the ARC trainer (because why not), and thinking about how nervous I was that it was the first time that my now eight-year-old daughter wasn’t in the kid’s area of the YMCA childcare center. I was nervous as all get-out to have her move up with the older kids (overprotective much?), but she was nothing short of EXCITED.

In fact, the only reason we were at the gym that night was because she had begged me to take her. She knew that in the “big kids room” there was a large TV with bean bag chair viewing, a ping pong table, computers, arts and crafts, and the most fun part to her, was that the kids could check out tablets to play games on.

So, after hearing her beg, whine, and plead for several days on end, we made our way to the YMCA so that she could finally experience the Disneyland version of YMCA childcare; big kid style.

Sweating to death on the ARC trainer, I cursed the timer that seemed to be moving incredibly slow, and then found myself looking around the gym to see if anyone else appeared to be feeling the same level of physical fitness failure that I seemed to be suffering from that night. But what caught my eye was not some random person falling off of a stair climber, but rather the face of my daughter who was standing in the hallway.

She was crying

Well, crying would be putting it mildly, because she was actually at the point where she was hyperventilating. I jumped off the ARC trainer mid stride, and when I met her in the hallway she threw her arms around me and buried her tear streaked face into my side.

When she had calmed down enough for me to talk to the childcare worker who was with her, the story unfolded that when she tried to check out a tablet, she realized that she didn’t have her ID card with her. A childcare worker volunteered to take her to find me so she could get her card, and off they went, to the “gym” where I had said I was going.

But, I wasn’t technically in the gym, I was in the fitness center.

When she didn’t find me in the actual gym, she decided that I must be in a dance class, so they looked there. When I wasn’t there, they checked the spin class, locker rooms, bathroom, and then made their way back to the gym. The track in the gym runs around the enclosed basketball courts, and because of that you can’t see the entire track from the door. So I guess, as the story goes, she thought that I must just be where she couldn’t see me and she started to walk around the track. When she still didn’t see me, she panicked, and before the childcare worker knew what was going on, my tiny eight-year-old girl, wearing braces on her legs and with panic in her heart, started running around the track crying and calling out for me.

When the childcare worker managed to get her off of the track, she told her “my daddy left me, and now my mommy left me too.”

Hearing that CRUSHED me, because it made me realize that after four and a half years, countless hours of trauma therapy, and all the reassurance in the world that I would never leave her, she still harbors the realization that parents aren’t always permanent, and love is not always unconditional.


On Friday morning I went to court for the dramatic situation that is the unpaid child support that I am owed. Not to beat a dead horse here, but as a SUPER quick recap (click here for the full story) I will remind you that my ex owes me a great deal of money in unpaid support, and after many, many court dates, was finally found guilty in court, and was sentenced to jail. Then the judge decided that jail was too harsh and he would give my ex time to pay me half of what I was owed, in order stay out of jail. My ex said he could pay it in 60 days, and the judge said he would give him 90 days, but here we were, over 90 days later and he still had not paid me.

Per the judge’s order of “Mr. Strong, if you don’t show up with a check you had better show up with a toothbrush,” Mr. Attorney Man assured me that we had a decent shot at my ex being thrown in jail.

But I really wasn’t counting on it.

I wasn’t counting on it because I’ve been trying to get him to pay me for over four years and the only thing I’ve learned is that #1 the judge rarely abides by his own orders, and #2 my ex seems to weasel his way out of everything. For four years I’ve been trying to hold him accountable to his obligations, and for four years I’ve been failing. I’ve watched him avoid jail by making deals to pay amounts that he never actually pays, and then watching him avoid jail again by being handed a new deal. When he still fails to comply with that, nothing ever happens, and he never learns his lesson.

Why should he? It’s not like there are really ever any consequences to his actions.

I didn’t have a good feeling about this court date. I don’t know what it was exactly — it was something that I couldn’t put my finger on — but it was bothering me enough that for the first time in four years, I asked someone to go to court with me because I just couldn’t bear that thought of going alone. Thankfully my Platonic Husband totally rocks and said she would absolutely go with me, but even that didn’t calm my worried heart. Thursday night found me crying myself to sleep at 2am, and Friday morning found me so nervous that I was up by five.

When I got to court that morning, I really had no idea what was coming, and let me tell you, in no way, shape, or form could I have ever predicted what would actually unfold.

Standing there in court that morning as my ex cried and pleaded with the judge not to put him in jail, I nearly passed out. Mr. Attorney Man said I made some kind of noise that sounded like I was going to throw up, and it must be true because my Platonic Hubby said she saw me turn five shades of white and was scrambling to find me a trash can. I remember telling Mr. Attorney Man that I was going to pass out before I made my way to a chair, and then I sat there and tried to process what I had just heard my ex say.

He was begging the judge not to send him to jail because he needed to take care of his wife and his daughters.

Two daughters.

My kids have siblings.

My ex didn’t run away from my kids just because he didn’t want to be a dad, he ran away to start over.

He has a new family.

The judge didn’t put him in jail, and I left the courthouse to sit in the car, scream at my windshield, and have my poor Platonic Hubby ask me over and over again if she could drive.

In the days since I found myself standing in court that morning, I’ve spent enough hours on the Internet researching, ordering records, and reaching out to people on Facebook that I think might know him, that I am probably officially some kind of psycho now. You see, when he first left, I tried to find him, but I didn’t get very far.

All I knew back then was that my husband claimed to be going to the store, and simply never came home. Not knowing what had become of him, I called all his friends, I called every establishment that he was known to frequent, and I spent hours tracking down the owner of every single number on the cell phone bill. When I realized that he had cleaned out the bank account, emptied our safety deposit box, quit his job, abandoned his car, and turned off his phone, I realized that his disappearance had been planned for longer than I could have imagined. At that point I went so far as to leave our joint checking account open for a while, even though he was overdrawing it with the debit card, but knowing that it was the only way I was able to trace where he was. I did the best that I could with the limited amount of time that I had while caring for two kids and attempting to find a job, and unfortunately without the funds to hire a professional detective, it didn’t get me very far. The phone numbers on the phone bill went to burner phones, his social security number never led me to a rental apartment or a car loan, and I was forced to shut the bank account down before I dug myself a financial hole that I couldn’t get out of.

As I worked my ass off trying to salvage the destruction that he had left behind, everyone around me constantly reminded me that with my ex’s drug habit, affinity for soliciting sex online, abusing people, and having affairs, that I was better off without him in my life. They told me that if I wanted to heal, that I needed to accept that he was gone and move on.

So, I did.

I knew he was gone, I didn’t want him back, and aside from the issue of child support, I didn’t want anything from him. I accepted that since what I wanted was healing and a happy life for my children, that I couldn’t dwell on the unknown of his disappearance; that the answers wouldn’t change the fact that he had hurt us and left us, and spending my time looking for him would only steal the time that I needed to move on.

Then, when I first went after him for child support and the stalking began after he was arrested, poking the bear just seemed like a really bad idea and so instead of using his reappearance to investigate him further, I backed off. I really had no desire to see what he might be up to. I just wanted him to pay what he owed, and I was busy taking care of the life that he left behind, and even busier building myself the future that I wanted.

But after this big revelation in court on Friday morning, and the reality check that the court system is NEVER going to work in my favor, I really needed to put together the story of what happened when he left, and everything that has occurred since then.

I decided that it was time to start looking into his past, in order to fix my future. What I found, was nothing short of shocking to say that least.

He left me, as I figured, for another woman and a life of drugs.

But what I didn’t know, was that she got pregnant not long after our divorce was finalized. A divorce that I paid for because I couldn’t find him. What I also didn’t know, was that a year after that — after I hadn’t seen a penny in child support and he was arrested for failure to pay — the same woman bailed him out of jail, and together they then went on vacation where they got married.

He had no money to pay for the welfare of his children, but he had enough money to go on vacation and start a new family.

A year later another daughter was born, and together they have worked on creating a life built on the foundation of my destruction.

Now please, don’t for a second think that I am jealous of his wife or wished that he were still with me, because I don’t. His new daughters will never get the father from him that they need him to be, because anyone that is as messed up as he is can’t possibly do anything but damage everyone in his path. I can’t imagine that he has changed his ways and I know that he still has a drug problem (even my Platonic Hubby was shocked and disgusted at his meth ravaged appearance), but what really gets me is how calculated this all was.

He lied, which is no surprise, but his wife knew too. Or at least I think she must, it’s hard to tell. Is she helping him hide his assets? Is that why in my initial searches years ago, I couldn’t find anything under his name? Is she helping him hide his income and cause his first two kids — my kids — to go without? Is the reason my ex claims that he has no health insurance to put my kids on, really just because he has added himself to hers? Is she a victim in his web of lies, or is she an ally plotting against me? Should I be worried that she is also trapped in a situation she now can’t get out of? Or should I be livid with the woman that is helping his first family go without? Does she know that the man who posts on Facebook about his two beautiful and perfect daughters had said the same thing about his first daughter before he basically threw her away? Does she know that before her children’s eyes ever rested upon her husband in love, that there were two other little people who were doing the same thing; children whose eyes now fill with tears when they remember the daddy that left them?

It’s hard to say, but I’m not happy.

In fact, I’m crushed.

You guys, I fell apart. For the next 48 hours The Guy I’m dating stepped up and took care of my kids. My Platonic Hubby checked in with me on a nearly hourly basis before switching tactics and texting The Guy directly, wanting to make sure that I was eating and sleeping (Geez, you lose 60lbs getting divorced and when you get upset, everyone is afraid you’ll end up in the hospital again).

Everyone is worried about me and to be honest I’m worried about me too, because I truly can’t remember another time in my life where I have been this hurt, and this angry. This actually hurts more than when he first left me, because when he first left me I was finally free, but all these years later I now find myself wondering if I will really ever be free from his manipulation… I just want to sleep, cry, and then cry myself back to sleep.

It’s one thing to be abandoned by a man with problems, but it’s a whole new ballgame to find out how calculated it really all was. How your struggles, fear, literal hunger, heartbroken children, and trauma, were all part of a game being played by two people who are actively trying to ruin your life in an effort to better theirs.

And willfully ruin the lives of my kids in the process.

Then, it’s the icing on the cake when a judge looks at the single mother standing before him, and he knows that she has two special needs kids who are living below the poverty line, then looks at the guy who put her in that situation, and hear him override his own orders of sending said guy to jail, because the expense of paying child support on top of what he needs to spend on his new family, makes the jail sentence unfair.

Do I not matter? Are my struggles not worth anything?

It really hurts to hear your former husband fight for his new family in a way that he never fought for you, and then to hear a judge agree that yes, his position is valid.

I was here first. We were here first. Why is the court agreeing with my husband that yes, we are replaceable, because our needs have been replaced by the needs of the new people that my ex chose to bring along?

Mr. Attorney Man says that my ex’s pleas of needing to be with his family are just his excuse to stay out of jail, and not at all born out of a genuine interest for them, but the fact remains that the judge buys his shit.

So where do I go from here?

I really don’t even know.

I’m livid at the judge, I’m livid at my ex, and I’m livid at his wife who works four minutes from my house.

I’m enraged that together they make roughly $90,000 a year and have managed to hide all of this from the courts while my kids and I are standing in line at the food pantry, and Mr. Attorney Man and I are footing the legal bill to get my ex to pay support.

I’m so angry, that it barely even registered when in the course of my research, I stumbled across something that somehow, I’d missed before.

I wasn’t my husband’s first wife.

I had no idea that he was married before me, and that ran away from her too.

He is a serial life changer, and when he tires of his new life, we are all just obstacles in his path.

With this new information, all the mental Band-Aids that I have used to patch together my damaged psyche feel as though they have been ripped off and salt has been poured in my wounds. I don’t even know what to begin to do with this information, and above all, I’m hurt. I’m hurt to know that during every single second that I’ve cried, struggled, and persisted on over the last four years, my ex has so easily built himself the new life that I’ve been desperately trying to build for my kids.

I don’t want his life, and I don’t want him in my life, but I would have liked to at least have had the opportunity to have what he now has.

I would have at least liked a level playing field.

And please dear readers, don’t remind me of how awful he was and why I shouldn’t grieve for a man that I certainly don’t want back, because I know all of that and I agree; I’m not grieving for him. I would never in a million years want him back, and the kids and I are better off without him. I’m just so deeply hurt that all these years, what I thought was pure selfishness, addiction, and irresponsibility, has really just been a continued and calculated manipulation that has caused an immense amount of damage in my life.

In my kid’s lives.

Strangely though, if anything, as painful as it is, it’s almost slightly vindicating because for years I’ve had to deal with people judging me for getting played by a man that they believe for all intents and purposes is just a simple loser, when in reality he has just been playing the role of a “simple loser” to manipulate my attorney, manipulate the court, and continue to manipulate me.

He is still a loser, but above all, he is still an abuser. I knew that all along, but I really don’t think a lot of people believed the depth of his narcissism and ability to control the people around them. I’ve told Mr. Attorney Man before that when he says things like “he’s just a loser,” that it hurts because what kind of girl gets taken by a loser?

I don’t want to be the girl who got played by a loser, because then what kind of victim does that make me?

And I don’t pin Mr. Attorney Man’s sentiment on him alone, because it’s one that is shared by many, since they are unable to see how they too are being manipulated, and how they too are falling into my ex’s trap.

He is manipulating everyone around him, and no one seems to see it.

He left me, but he never really gave up his control over my life.

Although that doesn’t even matter now, because what I’m most worried about is how I am going to explain to my kids, that they weren’t just left because their father wasn’t in a position to be their dad, but rather they were replaced because their father left them to have new kids.

I can’t even begin to understand this myself.

But for now, I need to continue to remind my children that I am here even when they can’t see me from the other side of the track, because I will never leave them. It’s my job to be the best parent that I can be in a situation with no logical rules, and figure out how I will one day explain to them that yes precious children, evil does exist, and unfortunately, good does not always prevail.

Thanks Judge.

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  • Dawn Traynor
    July 27, 2016 at 11:58 am

    Can you file a complaint of judicial misconduct or anything? Is there any way you can get a different judge to oversee your case?

  • peter
    July 27, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    That is far crazier than I would have ever thought it could be. When he mentioned his wife and daughters I assumed he meant you and your kids, and that he was so screwed up hr forgot that he actually had a son. No way I expected this. It's hard to know what to think of his current wife. It's hard to believe that she doesn't know what is going on but considering how evil he is, it's entirely possible that she's just along for the ride. It's too bad you can't get a different judge. It almost seems as though he has something against you. Are you sure he isn't related

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 2, 2016 at 1:27 am

      When my ex said “my wife and two kids,” Mr. Attorney Man actually leaned over to me and was like “um… he is not talking about you and your kids…” and I was all “I KNOW!! WTF!!”

      I do wonder what she does and doesn’t know…

  • Mzfuzz
    July 27, 2016 at 12:17 pm

    UGH, Eden. My heart hurts for you. The manipulations that sociopathic narcissists are capable of are continually mind-boggling. (Ask me, I have one of those too.)I do think it's important to remember that I don't believe the Douchebag left you because his new life is so much better than the one he had with you. He left because he was finally beginning to see that either you had nothing left for him to take, or you were getting done with putting up with his BS, and the gravy-train is about to end. Just like the woman before you, he will use the woman after you until she doesn't have anything left for him to use, benefit from, or manipulate, and then he will move on to the next one. His choices have absolutely nothing to do with you or your kids. He doesn't even really see other people as people–he sees them as self-benefits or obstacles. People like that have no ability to empathize or understand the wreckage they create in people's lives.All that being said, I know that doesn't change how you're feeling. For me, it ended up being better (NOT easier…But better) knowing the whole truth, than only having little tidbits. Also, I think that eventually, all that evil comes back to people like that. My ex is FINALLY getting some consequences, after 40+ years of ruining and manipulating people. And it hasn't changed him one little bit. He's still lying and manipulating as much as he can. It's so much a part of him that I don't think it's even possible for him to see that the issue is him, instead of everyone else.Also, I want to go do something really awful to that judge. Maybe ask Mr. Attorney Man if it's possible to talk to the head/chief judge of the section, make some kind of complaint or appeal?*HUGS*

  • Gila
    July 27, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    Wow!! OK, I'll admit, I kind of rolled my eyes at the click-bait-y sounding title, but…this really is probably the most shocking post ever. I can't even begin to imagine the emotional upheaval you're going through.A few questions/comments:-What your daughter said!! Omg I CAN'T!! That has to be the single most heartbreaking thing for a parent to ever hear! I'm so so sorry that she has so much trauma from your ex leaving that a simple misunderstanding could send her down that road :(-OK, so the judge didn't send your ex to jail, so what DID he do? Like, what was the outcome? Does your ex get another extension? Do you have another court date?-I know it's really easy to get angry at your ex's new wife also, but I would encourage you to (if you can) think of her as his next victim, and if anything to just feel sorry for her. He is almost certainly abusing her just as brutally as he abused you. While it sucks that you still have to confront him in court for child support that he doesn't pay, you are FREE from his abuse, while she is stuck with him. OK, so she gets the honeymoon and she gets to feed and clothe her children– that's a big deal. But she doesn't get to be a free woman. She doesn't get to have control of her body. She doesn't get to be strong and independent, because you KNOW that he is sucking the life out of her more and more the longer he stays with her. This is not a person who deserves your anger.-I totally get that it's hurtful for you to hear that your ex is such a loser, because that means you got played by a loser. But try to think of it this way: narcissists like him are EXPERT manipulators. He is super skilled at luring women– perfectly intelligent, self-aware women– and trapping them and making them feel like they don't deserve better. He is not a “loser” in the sense of like, “what kind of person would ever want to marry him because he's so obviously messed up!” He is more of the type of “loser” who doesn't show his true colors until it's too late. Eden, you are not a pathetic victim who was too dumb to see through his act. You are just one of MANY women who got caught up in his super convincing lies. If he really is on his third wife already (which again, WOW) that shows you that despite being a disgusting self-centered druggie, he somehow knows how to put on a really good show, because he convinced THREE women to marry him somehow. THREE. That should tell you something.-I was a little confused at the end when you say that you don't know how you'll explain this to your kids. Why do you have to tell them at all? I mean, I guess eventually when they're adults or at least teenagers, maybe? But now…why do they need to know that their daddy has a new family? It will only hurt them and I don't see a practical reason why you would have to tell them. Maybe I'm missing something.Anyway…stay strong!! I'm really glad you have such a good support system, and would love to hear more about the guy you're dating once things calm down a bit!

  • Angel
    July 27, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    Honestly, I'd ask Mr. Attorney Man to see if you can appeal and get a different judge. He seems to have a bias against you. Also what a scumbag. He's going to leave this girl to pick up the pieces of her life, too, one day. She's probably just as easily manipulated as you were once. People like him don't surround themselves with strong, independent people. She's more than likely a victim, too.

  • Christina GLunt
    July 27, 2016 at 2:08 pm

    Poor Girl Child <3 I have been around many narcissists in my life… your ex takes the cake though. HOWEVER look how AWESOME your Guy and Friend are…! not many are as lucky to have so much love in their lives. Keep Chuggin!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 1:33 am

      I am so blessed, thank you for reminding me of what I already knew, but sometimes don’t focus on enough 🙂

  • Anonymous
    July 27, 2016 at 2:26 pm

    You usually can't get a different judge, otherwise everyone would switch every time a judge ruled against them. She's probably stuck with this poor excuse.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 1:26 am

      Unfortunately you can’t change judges. 🙁 Trust me, if that were an option I’d have done that a LOOONNNGGG time ago!

  • murrmurr_03
    July 27, 2016 at 2:28 pm

    Wow, Eden. I am so sorry that you and your children are continuing to be put through this nightmare by your ex and an indifferent judge. Sending prayers, positivity and hugs your way.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 11:45 am

      Thank you love 🙂

      I appreciate it!

  • Carey H
    July 27, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Eden I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. You and your amazing kids are in my prayers.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 1:33 am

      Thank you Carey 🙂


  • Anonymous
    July 27, 2016 at 4:08 pm

    go to the newspapers and tell them your story.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 1:29 am

      Ok, Miss Fuzz, I’m back with a better response now that I’m actually replying to all the comments 🙂

      You are right, and his new life, and his new wife, it will all impload on him again. And I don’t know if this new wife is in on it or not, but she has absolutely no idea the hell he will rain down upon her one day 🙁

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:27 pm

    Some things are just so shocking but….don't waste anymore of your time or energy on him. You have to tell yourself that you'll never get any of that money owed to you! and if you DO by chance….then it's a bonus! I'm owed a lot of money in back child support too. Believe me, God and the universe have a way of taking care of things beyond our control.

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:27 pm

    I feel so sad for you and your children my friend you should'nt be going though this, your a very beautiful thoughful caring mother ! Yes I wished I was back in VA. NY is getting old !.

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:27 pm

    I am so sorry and I feel for you. My situation is not as bad but my ex also got involved with a woman with a child and then had a child with her. The hurt this causes to our children is beyond repair. Stay strong!

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    You need a different judge!! Seriously. Nothing is going to happen as long as you have that judge. Nothing got done with my son's father because the judge used to be a criminal judge, so he was often siding with Wesley and letting him off the hook. He'd go to court with alcohol in his system(meaning he had drank before court), he was ordered to go to AAA meetings and rehab, but he didn't and the judge didn't care. Don't let the system do this to you. You tell the lawyer you want another court date and judge!

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    i am so sorry!! i don't know what else to say but sending big hugs to you and your family. you are a strong woman, a great mom, and role model

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    I am so sorry you are going through this.

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    I'm still waiting on his name and city/state where he lives. I don't think kneecapping is payment enough now.

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    Is there some kind of complaint you can file against this judge for not doing his job? He needs to be removed and never preside over another case again. I can't believe what I continue to read over and over again about this guy. It's insane.

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:30 pm

    I think you should request a court order that he get neutered. It is unacceptable for him to be allowed to have more children when he can't care for the ones he has. I'm so angry for you.

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:30 pm

    Wow.. What an ass.

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 4:30 pm


  • afairytale84
    July 27, 2016 at 5:09 pm

    Oh, Eden. I am so, so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I wish I could reach through my computer and give you a hug. You are an amazing mother to your kids. Know that and hold onto it.*hugs*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 1:34 am

      I’m doing my best… I sure hope it’s enough!

  • afairytale84
    July 27, 2016 at 5:13 pm

    I can take a stab at an answer to the “Why do you have to tell them at all?” part.We don't know if her ex is ever going to pop back into her kids' lives. My father is very similar to Eden's ex in a lot of ways. And I found out A LOT about my father's life before I was in it, as well as after he left, from him in a way that no child should have to find out about a parent. He did not do it kindly. He was mean, manipulative, and just plain cruel. He talked all about how we ruined his life by being born, how we were the reason he couldn't be with his past girlfriend, how we were the reason he couldn't have perfect kids with his perfect past girlfriend, how after he left, his life was perfect, etc. and on and on.Once my mother realized the information that was coming to us (my brother, sister, and myself), she sat us down and told us in a kinder, gentler way that we as children and teenagers could understand instead of in a way a 57-year-old man would tell his drinking buddy in a bar.Now, I can't speak for Eden. But as for myself, the information given to us by our mother was far easier to handle and understand than what our father said to us.

  • Anonymous
    July 27, 2016 at 5:55 pm

    I totally get where you are coming from and all your feeling are very much valid and normal. Take it from a child whose father never provided child support and a mother who worked her ass off for everything we had and to dig us out of debt too – STOP trying to get blood from a stone. You will never get money from him and he will never pay – at least not by your hand – but be certain that he will never be truly living the good life. He will get his but you do not need to be part of it. It is all negative energy that is holding you all down. The sooner you move on from this quest, the better off you and your children will be. You are enough. You are wasting precious time and energy and expense to get nowhere. I beg of you to give yourself the greatest gift and let it all go. Leave it in the past. Make do with what you have – its what you've had to do anyway but know your children's future and happiness depend on distancing yourself from all this mess. I truly wish for you a lightened load and a chance for happiness. CC

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 20, 2016 at 1:34 am

      Thank you for your insight 🙂

      I’m sorry that you and your mom had to go through this too.

  • Mara Schurdell
    July 27, 2016 at 5:59 pm

    I know its different in every state, but Why isn't the court garnishing his wages? Does he not have a legitimate job?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 1:25 am

      He works a lot under the table, but when he does get a legitimate job, he waits for the state to catch up to him and start garnishing his wages, and then he quits. So I’ve just been chasing him around :/

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 6:51 pm

    Im so sorry.

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    I had to put down my phone while I was reading your post because I was afraid I might throw it I was so mad. Not only did my heart break when your daughter was frantically searching for you and what she said to the YMCA employee, but it shattered when I read on about court and your ex and his hardships of being able to pay (because of his new wife and family). You are SOOOOOOOO much better off without him in your life and your kids lives, but at the same time if anyone should be able to start new and rebuild their lives to how they envision it, it should be you and your kids! How can a judge be soooo one sided that he can't see what a detriment your ex has been to your kids and their well being??? Its not like you are asking to have him back in your lives, but help out so that you can take care of the kids needs. I honestly don't have any words that aren't expletives to express how I feel about. I just keep reminding myself that your kids have the absolute best mom in the world and that the awesome kids that they are are all thanks to you and everything you do for them! I know you are strong enough to get through this and anything that comes your way! I just wish someone could cut you a little slack now and then too, if anyone deserves it its you! Sending lots of hugs and good vibes to you all!

  • Facebook
    July 27, 2016 at 6:53 pm

    Oh God. If he follows textbook serial abuser behavior, he did make the new woman a complicit accomplice in his schemes, likely with fake stories of your evilness, manipulation, and I'm sure some imaginary infidelities thrown in. Now, if she ever questions him or takes a stand, he'll immediately counterattack with, “Agh, you're acting just like Eden!” And his abandonment of you will be a weapon to keep her down. She won't be able to admit he's abusive without admitting that she was wrong about you and helped bring you down and do harm to you and your kids. He can even threaten to get her charged with fraud for helping him hide assets. As soon as you mentioned a vacation, my brain flashed to your description of the time he joined you and your family on that awful Disney trip. One thing's for sure, one day this woman is going to need you, or at least your organization. Those poor kids.

  • Naked pop tart
    July 27, 2016 at 10:33 pm

    I'll light the torches you get the pitchforks. We can draw straws for who gets it first.. Judge or ex dbag.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 1:34 am


  • Anonymous
    July 28, 2016 at 3:19 am

    Could be worth contacting the other wives. It could bring up bad memories for the first, but if she thinks you were complicit in the end of their marriage it could help her know the truth that he's an a******. She might even be able to help with your court case, showing a pattern of behaviour. If she had kids with him it could help to keep pathways of communication open. With the new wife, maybe just a letter saying that your children are biological siblings and that one day they might want to be in contact with each other and you'd like to keep the door open. Something completely unaggressive. Obviously anything like that you'd run past mr attorney man.Its a terrible situation to be in and since the judge is giving umpteen chances to someone clearly unfit, file complaints, file appeals, contact the media. frankly the judge seems unfit to me.

  • Gila
    July 28, 2016 at 12:19 pm

    Based on the rest of the blog, her ex has no interest whatsoever in communicating with her children, and even if he did, she wouldn't allow him to see them or talk to them.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 1:31 am

      Thanks Gila, you made a lot of really important points. He is going to drain that poor woman dry before she even knows what is happening. Whether or not she helped to screw me over, she is in her own grave and probably doesn’t even know it 🙁

      As for telling the kids, I didn’t mean right now 🙂 Hopefully not for a long time, but one day they will ask, and they will deserve the truth.

      I dread that day!

      • NotMyShametoBear
        August 2, 2016 at 1:33 am

        Afairytale, you are right, it’s better coming from me at some point.

        I’m sorry that your father did that to you :'(

  • Emily and Anthony
    July 28, 2016 at 12:58 pm

    Wow! Eden, I'm so sorry! I know that “I'm sorry” isn't enough. I know you are a woman of faith, so I feel comfortable suggesting to you that this is a time to “let go and let God” for a bit. He has brought you TO this place and He will bring you THROUGH this place….one way or another. He inspired you to TRY, as you said, to go after what your kids deserve, and, well, now you are in a place with some answers, at least. I think anyone would feel devastated about this. It's time to “rest and recover” and let God show you what to do next. You and your sweet kids are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep doing what you are doing! xoxo

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 1:37 am

      You are so very right and correct. I’m praying my hardest and waiting for peace 🙂


  • snork maiden
    July 28, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    I second trying to make contact with his first wife. Did they have kids too? Would it be possible to put together a joint lawsuit against him?More importantly, the judge let him off jail again, so where does that leave you?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 2, 2016 at 1:35 am

      I may or may not have talked to her recently… stay tuned 😉

  • Facebook
    July 29, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    inspirational…at least ask your lawyer a/b taking his tax returns each year for your family instead of his own…they have to be in his name and should go to your family. IF you can at least get those then they will help some!

  • Facebook
    July 29, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    Holy fffuuuuuu!!!!!! What a piss off!!!

  • Facebook
    July 29, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    Im so sorry.

  • Facebook
    July 29, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    Wow. We are walking the same path. My heart goes out to you. The best thing you could do is discuss a substitution of judge in the court case with Mr. Attorney Man.

  • Rosie
    July 29, 2016 at 2:29 pm

    Wow, sooooo much negative energy wasted on this. I agree with the poster above who said it simply- STOP. it's not worth it. I know it is his responsibility and you're doing it for your kids and it's not fair blah blah. But life is not fair to us all. SOOOOO MANY WOMEN do it on their own, with no ex sending any support, myself included. It's not worth it at this point. Don't be stubborn. Don't be a martyr. Let it go. (he minimum amount they'll maybe eventually get is nothing compared to peace and sanity for you and your kids. You CAN do this yourself, just stop getting in your own way.

  • CD
    August 2, 2016 at 8:10 pm

    I'm sitting here in shock. My first guess was that maybe he's not the biological father of these new kids, but… he's been legally married to this woman for a couple years? He could have mentioned this but NEVER did? What has he gained in keeping this from you?Ultimately I'd be worried about the welfare of those two girls. They're probably living in some meth den… and these are your kids little sisters. Fuck, that idiot just makes me so mad…But honestly to me, this is a reason to keep on fighting. If he's capable of supporting kids, then he should be.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 5, 2016 at 10:59 am

      I’m worried sick about those kids 🙁

      And hell yea, I’m not backing down now lol!

  • Anonymous
    August 2, 2016 at 8:19 pm

    NO !!!! No, No, No, NO. Do NOT stop taking him to court and do NOT stop trying to get what is yours. He has a responsibility to your kids and giving up is not the right thing to do. Yes, do not let negativity take over, but don't give up the fight. You can be there for your kids, you can make them center stage, and still set the example for them that their are consequences to your actions. Do not show your kids that you can be walked on. You said it in another one of your blogs, and I hope you still stand by your words.

  • Jane Smith
    August 4, 2016 at 8:26 pm

    If they are officially married then she and he are both responsible for his obligations financially and legally. You can't pick which family you support and if he's insufficiently employed to support his obligations then that's on THEM together. She doesn't get to choose her daughters over yours even though as a mother she would love to. Now that you know, Mr. Attorney Man can request her income tax returns as well as his to audit their “official” family finances, and make new legal requests with the updated asset info. In addition, as she is now legally responsible, you have every right to draw her into the discussion and the expectations that the legalities of the rulings are enforceable. You can and should send a registered letter from your lawyer to both of them denoting the legal and financial expectations/rulings from the courts as it stands as of your last ruling. This is not petty or bitchy or mean, it is the reality of the situation of being involved with a previously (2x) married man with (at least) 2 children. Does he have legal representation or is he playing the pity party card and representing his own self?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 5, 2016 at 10:58 am

      I think it varies from state to state what she is responsible for, but I’m sure as hell hoping for everything you said above! Mr. Attorney Man and I are deciding our next step, and just as a precaution I consulted with a mutual friend attorney that we have, just to make sure we aren’t missing anything.

      Slowly but surely I’m hoping the plan will pull together 🙂

  • StrongerwithHope
    October 28, 2016 at 4:23 am

    It is healing to hear that I am not the only one going through these things with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The things I see some of you post of your own similar experiences with these people are like I wrote them…the lies, the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, the constant manipulation, blameshifting, him moving out, etc. Keep speaking out- it is the only weapon we have. When people don't believe us, it's ok. God knows the truth and He loves us dearly. All will be made right one day. In the meantime, it does help to see other people's experiences to get a more clear perspective of our own. It is sooo hard to be in it and not feel so down and discouraged sometimes and I know about crying so hard it hurts. But when we see from the outside, I now can clearly see that I should not take the abandonment of being walked out on, personally anymore, nor the other abusive treatment. My husband simply does NOT know HOW to LOVE. Anyone with me?Yes, we are better off without them and so are our kids, because of the wake of destruction that they leave in their paths, their multiple wives, families, etc.I finally am starting to realize that he will only change IF he is broken to a point of waking up, if that day will ever come and quite possibly it never will, and I am ok with that. Saddened but accepting of it.Nothing I can do will change anything, only loving my children and being the best mother I can be until the day I die.I owe the fact that I keep breathing each day to one- My LORD and Saviour, Jesus Christ. He is why I am still here and going on. He's real, and He's taking care of me and my children. I pray this for you as well. Let Him wrap His arms of Love around you and comfort you- it's awesome!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      October 30, 2016 at 4:47 am

      I’m not even sure that someone with a personality disorder can change even if they are broken 🙁 I almost wonder if it’s just the way they are wired and nothing can fix it. I’m so sorry that you are going through your own struggles with your husband. It’s not easy!! Keep praying girly, and I’ll throw one up there for you as well 🙂

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