My Mother Texted Me
My mother texted me.
I deleted it so fast that later that night I actually sat back and wondered if I had imagined the whole thing.
But I hadn’t.
The screen shot is burned into my brain like artwork that you despise hanging above your bed.
I can’t not look at it, and yet it bothers me every time I give it any attention.
“Eden, we would like to sit down with you and give you a chance to talk. We want to really listen and hear what you have to say. We care about you.”
To really listen to me and hear what I have to say. We care about you.
It’s what I’ve always wanted.
It’s what I’ve always needed.
It’s what I always should have had.
But it’s too late now.
It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I can’t afford to care anymore.
I’m out now.
I escaped.
I don’t trust them.
If I give them a conversation, they will suck out my soul.
I don’t trust myself.
It was hard enough to leave once, I don’t want to have to leave twice.
The text went on to say that if I needed it, that they could help me financially.
I really need the help.
But my life is not for sale.
So mom, dad, I won’t be texting you back.
I won’t be calling.
We won’t be having that conversation.
But if you happen to read this, please know that I am doing alright.
I’m doing much better now, because you’re no longer here.
I forgive you, but I’ve moved on.
I’m not angry anymore, but I can’t afford to forget.
So please, mom, dad, if you really want to hear what I’m saying, if you really want to give me what I need,
I just need you to let me go.
You pushed me out of the nest, and I learned to fly.
I’m doing much better now.
Without you.
Yowza. What a bomb to have dropped into your life. I think you're doing the right thing, Eden. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. *HUGS*
It was definitely shocking to see the text come through!!
*hugs*
and THANK YOU!
You should give them a chance. Maybe they realized they were wrong
Too risky. If you've read all of Eden's blog you'd see what they put her through. People like that don't suddenly realize they've been wrong, if they had that much self awareness they wouldn't have acted that way in the first place.
Yes but they're still her parents, they still raised her. You can't hold a grudge forever.
She is doing the right thing, not only for herself but more importantly for her children. She has a good, loving support system that has been more of a 'family ' to her and the kids than her own parents. She is being unselfish, unlike her mother, who just wants to get to her grandchildren through Eden. Hold strong Eden, we've got your back.
I think you're doing the right thing. There's just no way they woke up and suddenly had a change of heart. Abusive people don't change very often, if at all.
Exactly. I think they miss my kids and are trying anything they can to “fix” things with me, enough to get access to the kids.
Access denied.
You did the right thing!
*hugs*
Yep. Efff them! And change your number quick! Lol
*hugs*
You definitely made the right choice.
*hugs*
I feel like I could have written some of that myself. I think we both have done the right thing. We have to look out for our own self preservation and sanity. Don't doubt yourself and just keep moving forward.
*hugs*
You did!! Good for you!!!
*hugs*
Good for you. I agree with the other posters – you did the right thing. <3
Thanks love 🙂
I was lured back in multiple times with promises of change and wasted years with the back and forth. Please don't do it. My parents never sought to resolve the past like they said they would, they just denied everything, said I made it all up. They found out my mom's boyfriend molested me and did nothing about it. He was supporting us and my dad did not want to have work (he was on social security) and my mom was dependant on him. The man tormented and tortured us for 9 years after. He ended up leaving anyway. He was cheating on my mom for years. Think of your kids. If they were really selfless, they would send money to your house without asking anything in return. They probably have your address.
I also did the whole back and forth thing for years before making the final permanent break. I can’t do it again.
I am SO sorry that you were in such a messed up situation. How are you doing now?
My parents do send cards and letters sometimes, I just throw them away unopened. I even threw away the Christmas presents they mailed for the kids. Didn’t even want to return them, just wanted to get away from them!
This kind of stuff really pisses me off. “Go back to your abusive who tortured you snd told to kill yourself. You are not forgiving. They are your parents, you have to. Bull shit. I don't curse, but that is sooooo wrong.Why don't you tell every woman who has left her violent husband to go back? After all, that's her husband and if you promise to stay, it's worth risking your life. So insensitive and cruel.
This person obviously doesn't give a rip about you or your kids. You put your kids around your parents and I would advocate for their removal from you.
Yikes!
Stay strong, mama! You know that you're doing right for you and your kids.
Thanks for having my back girl 🙂
*hugs*
Hey young 'un! It's been a while since I've had a chance to visit due to my back surgery….it's a 9 month ordeal…so far I've survived 3 months but the first 2 months I've been pretty much in a coma!ANYWAYS….the first one I read is this one and at first I really thought you should go do it or at least tell them you forgive them tho you will never allow them to overtake you and abuse you ever again….BUT as I read on I see you have done just that, maybe not have told them that but you have done it and I am so proud of you! Like I said, I've been MIA but you come to my mind often and know that I love you and pray for you and your children always!
Hey love! I’m sorry to hear about the surgery, but yay for getting out of the coma like state!! Geesh, that’s no fun!
You’re the best!
*hugs*
Wow. This is… hard. I wish I knew what to say to you, other than I am dealing with the same exact struggle right now – “is the money worth it”?I really do wonder your mother's motivation for texting this after not seeing you since what, September? This just seems so random, I can't take it for what it is.
I think she just misses my kids. 🙁
They told her to kill herself multiple th imes, beat her, left her with an abusive husband, blamed her for getting raped, were going to try to take her kids away because they told her kids, “she's going to hell because she is divorced”… They already were manipulating her kids to think badly of her, and she wasn't even the one who left, her husband was!Anybody who says she should talk to them is either misguided, crazy, or evil. Again, why don't we just tell all women who leave abusive husbands to go back? It's no different than telling someone to go back to abusive parents. These people did just about everything they could to destroy her. Come on!
It’s sad because so many people do tell the women to go back, and I will never understand that (nor do I want too).
Thanks for chiming in. It’s good to know that you guys stand up for me. I haven’t always had that 🙂
Thank you.
They told her to kill herself multiple times, beat her, left her with an abusive husband, blamed her for getting raped, were going to try to take her kids away because they told her kids, “she's going to hell because she is divorced”… They already were manipulating her kids to think badly of her, and she wasn't even the one who left, her husband was!Anybody who says she should talk to them is either misguided, crazy, or evil. Again, why don't we just tell all women who leave abusive husbands to go back? It's no different than telling someone to go back to abusive parents. These people did just about everything they could to destroy her. Come on!
Thank you 🙂
*hugs*
Abusive people, especially those who have been abusive all their lives, don't change. Going back to them the first time with your kids itself was a mistake, but don't do it again and let them abuse your own kids.You are one strong woman! Stay strong. Don't dilly-dally and give in, at least for your children's sake. Every time you feel like you want your children to visit their grandparents, remember the time they made you sit at the edge of your bed for 12 hours straight when you were only 6 years old. What if they do the same to your kids now? Will you be able to forgive yourself for letting it happen to your kids?I have no idea what these people are saying when they claim that after all they gave birth to you… and so you should forgive them and go back to them. I think the people who post such comments are abusers themselves and are looking for redemption here.
Exactly. It’s the first thing you need to learn as a victim, to become a survivor: the abuser is not going to change. Stop waiting for them to change. Move on.
You bring up a lot of good points and your’re right, the bed example is perfect!!
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me :
I have told my husband many times regarding my ex and my toxic mother (and GOD I hate her 'phone voice' too):My forgiveness doesn't have an expy date, but my willingness to have my heart shoved in a blender does.You. Did. Good.
*hugs*
Yep – this could be me writing this, except that my Mum doesn't text. She sets up her flying monkeys aka her sons to do her dirty work. Divorcing my entire FOO was the *best* thing that I ever did. I am a happy Born Again Orphan ! Oh, how lovely life is when the poison leaves it.
*hugs*
You don't have to hope, you know you did the right thing! These people physically and mentally tortured you. I think you said they often told you to kill yourself? You can't go back to that or put your kids near that. Your involvement with your parents says you are okay with what they say and do. You are going to have to let your kidsknow what they really are eventually.
*hugs*
Absolutely the right choice, both for you and for your children.
Not sure how I landed on your blog, but I am blown away. Nice candor. For the ones that continue to want to hurt me : “I forgive you for me, so I can have peace. My forgiveness doesn't mean what you did was okay. It means you no longer have the power to rule me. It doesn't mean you're not an a**hole.” Lisa
Thank you 🙂
And welcome to the blog!! I hope you stick around!
*hugs*
I went through that phase for a while, until I realized that I had to evict these people from my mind – where they were living rent-free. It was a difficult process, and in hindsight, I should have cut them off a longgggggg time ago. But I kept hoping for that blessed day when they would finally wisen up to their ways, and start treating me like any human being should be treated. It took a nasty physical confrontation in late March of 2014 (last year) to realize that they will NEVER change. And you know what ? I DON'T care if they do or not, they've had too many strikes, and I am done. They are now trying their stupid tricks to try to suck me back in, but sorry.. I don't play games and I don't really want you back in my life now that I know how GREAT it is without you injecting your toxins into it !
It's easy to get sucked back into bad patterns, and then you'd have to go through the process of breaking away again.I don't blame you for not wanting to do that.Good luck.
Thanks love 🙂
*hugs*
How does your mother still have your number? Can't you block her or change your phone number?
Changing my number wouldn’t help, I still talk to my grandma and occasionally my aunts, they would just hand my number right back out. Since she hasn’t contacted me in so long it hasn’t really been a pressing issue. 🙂
Good for you! I read your story on It Happened to Me, and it's obvious that you are a heroine! You're so smart to avoid all contact with the people who horribly abused you, and anyone who suggests otherwise is probably an abuser him/herself. Brava to you!
Oh, and one more thing: Not allowing abusive people into your life is NOT “holding a grudge.” It is being a self-respecting person and a protective mama bear. Why anyone would come onto an abuse survivor's blog and tell them that they MUST forgive their abusers is beyond me. Grow up and develop some compassion!
Haha! Heroine! That’s a tall order to stand up too lol!
Thank you and I agree, it’s not holding a grudge, it’s protecting yourself 🙂
You aren't 'holding a grudge.' You are holding yourself and your children in proper esteem. You are protecting your body, soul, and mind–and your children's, too. You are holding them accountable for years of abuse and wickedness. You are wise and you have moved on. I once had to do the same. I was blessed to be able to move several states away. Your story is way, way too common. Thank you for speaking up and speaking out. I hope someone out there will heed those warning flags before they enter a relationship with someone like your ex or mine. Because, those guys are legion and they prey on the happy and the naive. I read a great saying a few weeks ago, “Don't look back because you're not going that way.” You have my prayers and my utmost respect.
Thank you 🙂 It took me a long time to realize that self preservation was not the same as selfishness.
I like that saying about not looking back, I’m totally writing that down! Thanks for sharing!!
*hugs*
I think you are doing the right thing too. I read your story on “It Happened To Me” on xoJane and it was jaw dropping, I am amazed at the strength you have in surviving all of that abuse and your ability to be a loving parent to your children. The people that are telling you to “give them a chance” and “maybe they've changed” clearly haven't experienced the level of abuse and trauma at the hands of their parents as you have. My parents were very abusive as well, one was an addict, the other has a diagnosed personality disorder and a host of other mental health problems. I grew up in poverty, surrounded by chaos and endured physical, emotional and sexual abuse. The last straw was a few years ago when my mother wanted to invite the relative who sexually abused me to a family event-even though the person who the event was for didn't even like the abuser in question. She knew about the abuse and still couldn't comprehend my feelings and refused to leave this person off the invite list. I knew I had to cut her off for my own self preservation. I was very clear that I would consider having a relationship with her if she was able to apologize without making excuses and have empathy for what she has done to me, two things I don't think she will ever be capable of. She recently texted me on my birthday, seeking a relationship and without mention of any empathy or apology. I made the mistake of not deleting the text right away. I started having trouble sleeping, then crying more about what has happened to me, not being able to go to work and basically spiraling downward back into the pain. I am starting to put myself back together. My husband helped me delete and block her number which was the right thing to do, like you mentioned too, I just can't afford to go back there.
It’s always amazing what people just can’t understand. Like it seems SO common sense to me, and yet apparently it’s not! I’m glad that you stood up for yourself and did what you needed to to protect you.
I’m proud of you!!!
I’m glad that you have a supportive husband 🙂
Thank you Eden! It's nice to know that some people get it:)