My Aunt Wants My Mother To See My Children


My aunt called me last night.

“Eden. I’m going to ask you something and I just want to ask, so just listen for a minute and I’m just asking.”

That sentence structure right there was a big fat warning that I wasn’t going to like whatever she was about to “just ask me.”

“………uh…….oooooooooookkkkkaaaaayyyyyy” was what slowly and cautiously crept out of my mouth.

“I was thinking you should drop the kids off at my house so that your parents can see them. It would be a safe and neutral location where I would be supervising them and you wouldn’t even have to see your parents.”

I know it was just an honest question but even hearing those words enraged me to a point where I was actually gripping the side of my counter top in an effort to not turn around and run my head into a wall.

She just doesn’t get it!

There was a long pause. A pause so long that after what honestly must have been a full minute or two she finally got up the nerve to ask me a question that she already knew the answer to. “Eden, did you hear me?”

YES I DID HEAR YOU. I’M JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW I CAN WORD ALL OF THIS ANGER INTO SOMETHING APPROPRIATE AND GROWN-UP LIKE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.


Ok, I, didn’t actually say that, but that is exactly what I was thinking, loud angry words and all.

“No. No I cannot drop them off, no, my parents cannot see them” was what I eventually spoke in nothing short of a business-professional tone.

“But if you drop them off here, you won’t have to see your parents at all” she stated rather matter-of-fact.

I once again took a deep breath and tried to calm down before beginning to speak. “This is not me throwing a temper tantrum and holding my kids hostage. This is me separating myself from a lifetime of dysfunction and I will not, cannot, allow my kids to be subjected to something that I’m not even willing to put myself through anymore.”

“But Eden” she said, sounding annoyed but with a hint of pleading, “when are you going to let them see them? Hasn’t this gone on long enough?”

I really just wanted to growl into the phone right now and hang up. This was a conversation that I have alread had probably 25 times or so already with her and yet two years later and she still doesn’t get the point.

“Aunt, this was a well calculated and thought out decision that I made long enough ago that I have had time to let the reality of my choice sink in. Do you think it’s easy for me to be on my own? Do you think it’s easy for me knowing that the family I was born into is moving on without me? Do you think I like missing all the holidays with Grandma? Of course not, it hurts like hell but I understand what it means to not have parents at this point and despite everythingย that I hate it’s still better. Can’t you see that my life now versus two years ago is so much better than it was?”

She then told me that saying I was better off without my parents was a mean thing to say.

Remember the conversation that I had where I all but flipped out on my ex’s mother? Well that was pretty much what happened next except that I wasn’t directing my anger at her and I wasn’t yelling. (seriously, can we take a moment to be proud of me for not yelling because I’m sort of feeling egotistical like I deserve many props for that.)

“Do you know what’s mean?” I asked her before I launched into a breathless tangent.

“What’s mean is treating your daughter like shit. It’s mean to make her stay married when you know full well that her husband is cheating on her with multiple women. It’s mean to make her stay married to a guy who not only hit her, but hit her baby as well. Mean is watching your daughter (me) cry and beg to move in with you (them) and telling her that you will never support her in a divorce. Mean is watching her fall apart until the guy finally leaves her and mean is then giving her the final kick by telling her it’s her fault. That’s mean. Did you know any of that even happened? Did you have any idea? Did my dad tell you about the vacation where my ex got so high that we had to drag his passed out ass back to the hotel room where he peed on everything and then we had to babysit him all night? Did he tell you my ex stole $23,000 from the family business and they knew about it? Did my dad tell you that he refused to pay for a divorce but said he would pay for marriage counseling? Did he tell you that we went to a family session with out xxx (my then still husband) and that counselor told him that I needed to leave my ex and that my dad was throwing me under the bus? Did he tell you any of that? You were shocked as hell when my ex left and do you know why that is? Because you never saw it coming. You never saw it coming because this family never talks about anything. People don’t just disappear, there is a lot that leads up to that point. I screwed up by marrying that guy but then they helped him glue my coffin shut. When he finally left me, according to them it was all my fault. Well you know what? It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault and I refuse to continue to interact with people that think everything is my fault and I REFUSE to let my children interact with people who have no respect for their mother. I refuse to continue to allow them to steer me in the wrong direction and I refuse to allow them to continue to aide me in the bad choices I make. I need you to trust that I know what I’m doing and that I’m making the best choice I can in a really bad situation. So no, I will not drop them off at your house so that my parents can see them and I would appreciate it if you would stop asking me that.

So basically I’ve become a real bitch these days.

“Ok, I get it. I won’t ask again and I’m sorry” she replied in a much quieter tone.

“I’m not mad at you” I said, my own heart softening. “I’m just so frustrated. No one in this family talks about anything. All these huge things happen and we just shove everything under the rug. My ex abandoned me and no one was there for me because that’s ‘not what we do.’ You never knew any of this, because we never talk. I never told you because I wasn’t sure how well it would be received. But no, I can’t have my parents see the kids, ever.”

She said ok, told me she would call me again soon, and then hung up.

I feel bad, really bad. I wish I hadn’t been so harsh with her but I am trying to understand that I only said what I needed to not just hear, but really understand, and every other way that I had tried to tell her was simply not working.

It’s hard sometimes to remember that feelings and reality are not always the same thing.

I feel like I did something wrong. I feel really bad that I hurt her. I feel awful that I spoke to her in the way that I did. The reality though is that I said what needed to be said. I defended myself in an appropriate manner and I didn’t do anything wrong.

I just wish it didn’t feel as if I had.

Sometimes life just keeps throwing the same situation at you over and over again, not to piss you off, but so that you have the opportunity to finally make the right choice. The fact that this has been a repeated conversation obviously means that what I was doing before wasn’t working.

This isn’t uncommon for children of dysfunctional families. We spent our entire lives being told what to think and say, never being taught to trust ourselves, but rather to conform ourselves to suit another. When we are confronted with an issue that requires honest communication we oftentimes don’t know how to effectively stand up for ourselves and therefore our true feelings and intentions are not accurately expressed.

I’m trying now to stand up for myself, but at this age it isn’t an easy thing to learn. For the most part I’ve been doing really well handling things as they come. Yet when it comes to dealing with issues of my past, everything is so pent up that when I’m confronted with an issue that I was not prepared to deal with, all that comes out is a bunch of word vomit that I probably could have been handled in a better fashion.

Sigh.

I know from reading all your emails that many of you are struggling with the same things. For those of you that are still within your dysfunctional family units you are probably struggling to find your footing when it comes to standing up for yourselves. For those of you who have left your families you are many of you are probably dealing with some of the issues that I am currently dealing with; the family that is trying to draw you back in.

It’s not easy and while I wish that I had some great grand advice to give you right now, I don’t because I’m struggling with this myself. I don’t know how to handle a past that I still very much don’t understand. I often don’t know what the appropriate thing is to say or do.

The only thing I know is that when push comes to shove I make a decision based on which answer provides me with the environment I need for the life that I want.

Sounds selfish doesn’t it?

I am by nature a people pleaser. I like to make people happy, I want everyone to be ok, I am truly sad when others are sad and it really hurts me when others are hurting.

When dealing with a dysfunctional family you cannot let their feelings effect you. That was a hard concept for me to grasp because it goes against everything that we are taught about decent human values, it goes against everything that I feel is right.

“I’m sorry, but I cannot allow myself to care how you feel about this.”

I don’t like the way that sounds when it echoes in my head but it is a phrase that I find myself repeating often when dealing with my family.

Please note the wording though; “I’m sorry but I cannot allow myself to care how you feel about this.”

It’s not that I don’t want to care, it’s that I cannot allow myself to care.

Remember the metaphors I used in the post about “Some People Have To Learn The Hard Way,” where I talked about how it will always be easier for someone to pull you down then for you to pull them up? I’ve come to realize that it’s not that I don’t want to care, it’s that I cannot allow myself to care and that is a big distinction.

If I allow them to my family will kill me. I (hopefully) don’t mean literally, but they are going to kill me in one way or another. They had broken me down so far that I was barely even human anymore. I was making the wrong choices left and right and my bad decisions were spilling over into the lives of my kids and the people that I interacted with and that was the breaking point for me; the time to get out.

I know it hurt my parents (in ways that I actually don’t understand), but I know it hurt them and I truly do feel bad about that. Despite my past, I didn’t want to hurt them. Hurting them was never and is still not my intention, I simply realized that the environment they provided was not conducive in ways that I needed to grow, to live.

The only things that grow in the desert are defensive and hostile. They are prickly and sharp because they need to defend themselves from the environment that they are growing in.

I didn’t want to be defensive and hostile. I didn’t want to be prickly and sharp because of where I grew. I knew that if I wanted to grow differently, that I needed to grow elsewhere.

I realized that Iย could notย allowย myself to care about how they felt because their feelings were taking away everything that I needed to live.

So Aunt, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I cannot allow myself to care. I cannot live in an environment that is completely devoid of anything needed for my survival.

It’s not that I don’t care, it’s simply that I cannot grow here.

It’s not that I don’t want to care, it’s simply that I cannot allow myself to.

Photo Credit
Cactus
Frustration
Bitch

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45 Comments

  • Anonymous
    February 3, 2015 at 8:00 am

    Aww, I think what you said to your aunt was perfectly fine :)Is your aunt on your mother's or father's side?A grandmother wanting to see her grandkids isn't the evilest thing (and many would tell you so), but good for you for sticking to your decision of disowning your family and knowing it's better to stay away.Last thing. Do you live nearby your childhood home? If that is by choice, moving far away could be the permanent solution you need.Warm wishes ๐Ÿ™‚

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 4, 2015 at 2:00 am

      On my father’s side. My ENTIRE family lives within 30 mins of me, but I can’t really afford to move. Thankfully they don’t just pop by!

  • Mzfuzz
    February 3, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    Agreed with Anonymous above. I think what you said was great! You told her exactly how you were feeling, how things have affected you, and why you are making the choice you are making. And you did it in a way that was respectful, and impossible for her to ignore. Sometimes people seem to think that if they can just say something very calmly and very succinctly, it will be understood. I think often in my life, when I've been able to show emotion and just how much something bothers me or hurts me, it's received on a more basic level, and seems to make much more of a difference.So kudos to you, Eden! Way to stand up for yourself! Way to verbalize and honestly communicate your feelings and your choices in a really difficult situation. Having had to do similar things, it's NEVER easy. But it does get easier. I had to realize that I could have those conversations, and the world wouldn't come to an end. I could do it, and get through it, and everything was “ok.” You'll get there! Try not to be so hard on yourself. *HUGS*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 4, 2015 at 7:50 am

      You are right, the world didn’t come to an end ๐Ÿ™‚

      Ima add this to the “learning lesson” bank!

  • Anonymous
    February 3, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    You've done the right thing – your aunt is invalidating your experience. I've dealt with something similar for years with an emotionally abusive brother. Others in the family just say it's because we've never gotten along (yeah, because he's emotionally abusive!). You are protecting your children and yourself and there is nothing wrong with that.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 4, 2015 at 7:50 am

      Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    February 3, 2015 at 5:06 pm

    Are you retarded??? Why are you advertising your “services” in a blog where the author details her struggles and victories stemming from years and years of abuse. Dear Lord, I hope your pathetic efforts at self-solicitation backfire and put you in a situation that forces you to learn to actually listen to people.

  • Anonymous
    February 3, 2015 at 5:07 pm

    Ugh sorry, that comment about self-solicitation was aimed at the “spell caster”, not you, Eden. You're brilliant. Please delete both of my posts!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 4, 2015 at 7:52 am

      Haha! I don’t know why that spellcaster keeps getting though. I mark them as spam and they just come right back with another account! Since I don’t have comments moderated automatically I have to wait until I’m in front of my computer to get in and delete them. My gosh they are SO annoying! And they can’t be robots because they make it through the CAPTCHA thing (or however that’s spelled)

  • butterfly 14
    February 3, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    your conversation with your aunt was perfectly stated. As you said, “everything else I was doing wasn't working.”She needed to hear the whole story. Your priority = your kids ((HUGS))

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 4, 2015 at 7:52 am

      Aw thanks ๐Ÿ™‚ You are right, nothing else was working! I sure hope that did the trick!

  • Evelyn
    February 3, 2015 at 7:39 pm

    congratulations on standing up for yourself and your children.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 4, 2015 at 7:52 am

      Thank you!!

      *hugs*

  • Koro
    February 4, 2015 at 12:59 am

    I've found that if people are going to try and meddle in things that aren't their business, they better be prepared for any retaliation they might receive. I don't feel that what you said was mean, or nasty. In fact I feel that it was a healthy way of expressing your feelings on the subject, and you hopefully got the point across. *hugs* Keep standing up for yourself.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 4, 2015 at 7:53 am

      Ha, very true! I tried not to be mean, I really didn’t yell which I was proud of lol. I sure hope she more than heard me, but actually understood me. ๐Ÿ™‚

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    February 4, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    Hold your head high & be proud of who you have become: you stood up for yourself, your beliefs and your children. You made it crystal clear there are boundaries and you will not let them be crossed. It's okay to feel bad for laying it all out but she needed to hear it. Sometimes the hardest things to hear are the things we NEED to hear. Kudos to you!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 4, 2015 at 7:54 am

      Very very true about the hard things being things we need to hear. Thanks for sharing that!!

      *hugs*

  • CD
    February 4, 2015 at 8:43 pm

    As frustrating as this situation obviously was, I'm fortunate that it finally enabled you to open up about this stuff to SOMEONE in your family. And good point to only talk about the stuff your dad did, since I'm sure they (being his side of the family) probably see it as taking care of his raging psycho wife. Irish Catholic families not only run on denial, but also the martyr complex. So perhaps they will be more sympathetic knowing what your ex put you through (the stuff with your mother might be a little different though, you know, “honor thy father and mother”, which you ARE doing by not bringing that up) and – understatement of the century here – maybe, just MAYBE, they will realize your parents didn't know how to handle it right.Also, your family seems to have a pretty archaic attitude toward divorce, like one that's not common in any mainstream religion these days. I wonder if that has something to do with why your parents are still married? (Well that, and them both having mental disorders…) My grandparents were kinda like that, but I would expect people of your parents' generation, no matter how crazy, to know it's often necessary – but especially so when there is both drug addiction and violence.And of course, the inevitable question – do you think your mother might be the one getting your aunt involved in this? I wouldn't be surprised…

  • CD
    February 4, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    By this I mean, you're not making this about what your mother did to you as a kid, in the throes of mental illness that I imagine was unmedicated at the time. You are talking about how she and your father treated YOUR KIDS. THAT is the present situation, and honestly, if they love them as much as they claim they do, they wouldn't have done anything that enabled your ex to keep doing what he was doing. And THAT is what you deserve recognition for.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 4, 2015 at 7:58 am

      Yea my family is straight up rigid when it comes to their belief system. They really don’t waivor on ANYTHING, it’s just supposed to go the way it’s supposed to go. You got married, you stay married. Now I don’t believe in just walking away from a marriage if it could have been worked on, but hello, my case pretty much puts that option WAY out of the question. I mean not only was he a druggie, cheater, and abuser, he was also gone. That pretty much sealed the deal and yet….not for them!! My Aunt obviously didn’t say much back so who knows what will happen now! I can garuntee she will not mention it to anyone so it’s not like the family is now going to “see the light” or anything, but hey, maybe at least she will stop bugging me about it!

  • CD
    February 5, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    Wait, even AFTER he left, they still wanted you to stay married?! What century are these people from? Jeez.I'm sure your aunt meant well, though, if only because she feels bad for your father, and possibly your mother too. Hopefully she will know to put this REALLY high on the endless list of “things we don't talk about”.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 5, 2015 at 8:30 am

      Oh yea, they def wanted me to stay married. “He is your husband Eden, you wait for him.”

      FUCK THAT!

  • Anonymous
    February 6, 2015 at 1:22 am

    Not really related to this post but it would be nice for you to answer regardless. How did you get your lawyer? Through women's help group or women's shelter or do you look for them yourself? Does anyone organization help pay the lawyer fees or do you do all by yourself?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 5, 2015 at 8:39 am

      I found him by googling a few key terms that I knew would be relevant to my divorce case and the law firm he works for came up as a search result. I actually wanted to hire his boss but his boss passed my case onto him. No organization helps me with the fees, I pay them myself and he gives me a good deal but it is still by no means cheap.

  • Anonymous
    February 6, 2015 at 5:09 am

    Dear Friend,Please, if I may….I too, have experienced abandonment, only my mother actually came out and told me that she just wanted to take my sister. My Grandmother told her, OH NO YOU DONT, YOU TAKE BOTH TODAY OR YOU GET NONE! .Dad's GF, (another one( insisted I to go to the hospital and get an IUD, at a very young age, rendering me childless for life. He said he would break my fingers if I didn't sign the papers.So I bled, then I was caught by a teacher trying to smoke a cigarette in the girls room, begged…the teacherShe didn't know, what he would do to me, AND that he had the tendency to drink. In fact, I ran away.My mother , had a boyfriend, I begged him to come and get me, at first she said I could stay on the couch, then she charged me rent, well, the rent went up exponentially so that I could not afford to stay. Then she made it clear, she didn't want me there. In fact, it was her very “youthful” boyfriend, *my age).Anyway, that's all old news, I ended up being with a BF , then marrying an abuser, who beat me so severely that I ended up at a hospital, crying in a nurses arms, he knocked my teeth out on one side, I struggled to leave him.I made it out.Fast forward a few years, still struggling due to financial setbacks, and a very sick boyfriend, who was diagnosed with spine disease.I recently found myself, without a car, in the country, alone.Had to get a ride from a distant cousin, I would still be without a car.My sick “Dad” told me he would “give me a thousand dollars” for a car.I was blown away, thanking him profusely, Oh my gosh, thank you so much Dad! I don't know what to say, When I went to get the help he offered, he yelled at me, OH NO, I said I would give you a thousand to buy a NEW CAR, AND HE ADDED, IT HAS TO BE FROM ___*(HIS FRIENDS, WHO OWN THE GARAGE WHERE MY CAR WAS BROKEN DOWN, then he insults me, my car, swore at me in the same week, only to let me realize, this man is SO VERY ABUSIVE. AND HATEFUL. It was obvious he didn't want to give me anything!And you know love, I do not want to see these people, because when I called my mother, begging her, just for a lousy ride to the Dr. she said to me and I quote…”I don't have time for you”I am not on drugs.I did not steal from my family.I do not live a wild lifestyle.yet they eviscerate me.I had a counselor tell me that once you are a scapegoat, even if it is years later, that you will still be used as the family scapegoat, she said , that this is what I was.My stepfather loans my sister a truck, but makes a mockery of me.He has 7 vehicles and then some, (*hint, I have a perfect driving record, but she tells him how unreliable I am, she bemoans me, in order to gain approval, the same way she did , when she was a little girl and they thought it was “cute”. In fact, they used to call her the “angel”. and mock my very presence.It was hard, that is for sure. Today, I thank God in heaven for the dear friends, you will be ok.”You can always adopt!”lol: )May God bless you, and heal them.G

  • Anonymous
    February 6, 2015 at 5:24 am

    I was not done,it only allows so many letters, Dear Friend, what I wanted to say, is this goes out with love to you, Please know you are being thought of, that you are loved tonight, that God holds you precious in His sight, even though these people acted out (*and yes, I know , there are people who may or may not be there, spiritually yet, but SADLY THEY think they are,Know that even with all of that, you still have the power to love.That is why we broke free , right?To love, and to be free TO love, without encumbrance.I wont let them hurt me anymore.I don't have any children, but let me tell you, as a child, I am grateful that I was able to escape….even though it was late in the game when I did get out.It is only natural for you to want to protect your very children from that which you escape , is it not?My stepfather used to beat me , I would beg for mercy, he didn't stop.He was in the Nam. I often wondered if some of that had something to do with it. I would urinate in my pants and he kept beating me. he beat me because my mother would make herself the victim when she was freaking out, and blame me.If I had to see about my kids spending any time there, it would be with me with them. And …since that is not healthy…Why not suggest this, a setting that they cannot deny any longer, their issues! If they really want to see their Grandchildren, why not suggest …”Sure, I will agree to that if you all will agree first, to no less than ___ sessions/weeks of therapy…and I have to be present.Just a thought, but perhaps, the thought of that is just too terrible, either way, my friend, I will pray for you and your dear heart's healing as you go to sleep tonight.You deserve no less than that.Warm Regards, G

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 6, 2015 at 6:47 am

      Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot ๐Ÿ™ I’m so sorry! Good fror you though for realizing that you deserver better, because you do! You don’t need them hurting you anymore. Build a family of friends and move on. Your life can only get better without them weighing you down.

      I’m glad you found the blog and I hope you stick around ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Anonymous
    February 6, 2015 at 6:16 am

    Ok thanks. So as far as you know there is no financial assitance available for hiring lawyers?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 6, 2015 at 6:56 am

      It seems to vary by county. There was nothing available to me when I looked. My best suggestion is to contact your local domestic abuse shelter or courthouse and see if there are any programs available in your area. Good luck!

      • NotMyShametoBear
        February 6, 2015 at 6:58 am

        To add to that no, I don’t know of any nation wide programs or anything, it really is specific to the area in which you live. Check with your local shelter though! At the very least they should have a list of attorneys they can refer you to and they might have a sliding scale.

  • Anonymous
    February 6, 2015 at 8:35 am

    FUCK THAT! I agree!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 6, 2015 at 6:39 am

      High-five!

  • Sara A.
    February 6, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    You did good, honey. Now that she has some of the facts, if she continues her flying monkey act you know that it is not worth pursuing a relationship with her. I don't know how you ended up with such a well-developed guilt matrix/emotional IQ. For other flying monkeys, give them one chance of hearing the facts and if they still pursue, be very firm and shut it down. Do not justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE) it will make the flying monkey think they have an in to conveying the prodigal daughter back to the wicked witch with grandbabies.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 7, 2015 at 8:49 am

      Thanks love. I don’t even really have a relationship with her now, which was my first clue that something was up when she called!

      Yep, I stated my facts and beyond that I’m not even going to engage. Engaging only opens it up for a discussion and as far as I’m concerned the matter is CLOSED.

      Thanks for being here and for all your fabulous advice!!

      *hugs*

  • Trevor Young
    February 7, 2015 at 10:06 am

    You didn't do anything wrong, but for your whole life you've been conditioned to believe that you were always wrong. You're to the point (well slightly passed it) where you feel wrong, for being right. Sometimes you have to stand up to people and it's gonna sting them, but they need to hear it. Your parents are not healthy for your children and you're doing the right thing. They owe you a detailed and hearty apology before they can even think of seeing you guys. But one thing is for sure: You're winning if they have other people calling on their behalf. They're missing you, in their own twisted way. Don't give in girl!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 7, 2015 at 8:47 am

      Yep, exactly! People in my situation have been essentially brainwashed, taught only to think of others first and never themselves. So when we do try to think of ourselves and what we want, we feel wrong.

      Altough even an apology at this point won’t get them anywhere lol.

      I’m not giving in!!

  • Anonymous
    February 7, 2015 at 10:18 am

    Ok thanks

  • Sara A.
    February 7, 2015 at 6:45 pm

    Everything I've learned, I've learned from Baby Center's Dealing with the Inlaws and Family of Origin group. They're really ballabustas though so if you want to go check them out put on your big girl panties. They'll like you though, you come bearing llama food. It's amazing how predictable dysfunctional families can be. It's been a year since your brothers tried to bring you back so it was time for someone else to try. Especially because the dollhouse gambit didn't work as expected. I'd expect them to try something over the summer.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 10, 2015 at 7:19 am

      Is that a website?

      Yes!! The predictableness of their crazy is amazing! Very true about needing another avenue since the dollhouse didn’t work lol. I hadn’t even thought of that!

  • Amber
    February 10, 2015 at 3:55 pm

    Just a thought Eden, but here's to hoping that now that your aunt is aware of some of what went down during that time, that she may surprise you. She may just fall in line with the rest of the family fold, but then again, she might not. I'm not holding my breath, since I've read enough of how they are to be pretty skeptical…but you never know. For your sake, I'm hoping that there's one good apple in the bunch!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 10, 2015 at 7:22 am

      That would be nice ๐Ÿ™‚ I guess we will find out!!!

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    May 2, 2015 at 10:06 am

    Hi. I'm up late reading much of your story, just trying not to feel alone. My parents abused me physically and emotionally. When my mom's boyfriend molested me, both of my parents covered for him knowing that he definitely did it. My siblings tell me I'm a judgmental, evil person and that I'm not a real Christian for cutting them out of my life. They say I have no compassion. For YEARS I begged them to keep the pedophiles away from their kids.They scoffed at me dismissing my concerns. Turns out that two of the kids were being molested, one for 10 years. My sister blamed God. Then she blamed me for not telling her exact details of how I was molested, that telling her I had been molested by her dad wasn't enough, warning her wasn't enough. She takes no responsibility for leaving her babies alone with this monster.So now they have cut me out of their life and I'm sad but relieved.I'll tell you what I tell myself: if you leave your kids in the company of people who have a history of abusing people or kids, if they hurt your kids, IT'S ON YOU. And for your aunt to advocate on your parents behalf tells me she doesn't care about your kids or you. Shame on her. And shame on your disgusting parents. My hope and prayers are with you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      May 3, 2015 at 8:25 am

      NotMyShametoBearMay 3, 2015 at 8:25 PM
      Very true (last paragraph). It would be on me, and I can’t allow them to be hurt. I’m so sorry that you feel so alone. I know it’s not the same, but I’m sending you a big hug right now! You didn’t deserve what you went through, and your sister is just trying to find someone else to blame so that she doesn’t have to blame yourself, and it’s good that you can see that!! It’s so hard to not let our “families” hurt us, it’s a lose/lose situation sometimes. Let them hurt us, or end up alone and hurting because of that. Eventually it gets better, you just have to go through that transition of being with them, to being alone, to finding new people. It’s all part of the process, you’ll get there! In the meantime, I’m happy you are here ๐Ÿ™‚

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    June 13, 2015 at 9:16 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing! You did just right!!! You should never let those people into your life again. Even if they apologize. They do not miss you and your children. They only say so. What they miss is someone to be a scapegoat – someone onto whom they can project their own evil feelings. To get that, they might even try to turn your childen against you, if you allow them to visit. Do not do that!!!They are responsible for their own feelings and their own actions – you are not! You are allowed to protect yourself from people, who treat you bad. You are allowed to protect yourself from people, who do not respect your boundries. As time goes on, it will become easier for you to recognise abusers. Practice makes perfect. Learn to trust your gut instinct. Most of alle you MUST protect yourself to be able to protect your children. Love to you from Denmark. You are doing just fine ๐Ÿ™‚

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 14, 2015 at 5:45 am

      That is bang on. Thank you for all the great reminders ๐Ÿ™‚

      You are awesome!!

      *hugs all the way to Denmark!*

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