When Society Rapes You

Statistically, rape is the #1 crime to not be reported and one of the major crimes where women drop the charges. %60 of women do not report being raped and of the women that do, only %3 of the rapists will ever serve a day in jail. In this day and age of fighting for equal rights and gender equality, we are seriously failing our women.

Every day you hear politicians and college administrators talking about the ways that we can prevent rape. “Don’t dress provocatively. Don’t drink too much. Stay with a group. Don’t invite a guy into your room. Don’t walk alone at night.” That is ridiculous. You know why I was raped? Because someone fucking raped me. Not because of what I was wearing or what I was drinking. When people hear of a girl getting raped, so much focus is placed on what she was doing that led up to it. Let’s all dissect exactly where she went wrong. Let’s figure out how many rules she broke that led her to such a tragedy. Let’s figure out exactly where she went wrong so that we can teach other girls not to make the same mistakes.

Well ok then, let’s talk about me. Let’s talk about the two rapes that were committed by a stranger guy that stalked me. The first one took place in a grocery store parking lot, in the backseat of my car, where I had been trying to tighten a car seat restraint (kids were not there), in the middle of the day. I was wearing yoga pants and a tank top, not exactly risqué clothing. I had not been drinking. The second time, the same stranger guy forced his way past me and into my home when I opened the front door after the doorbell rang. I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, I was not drinking, and I was on the phone with my attorney of all people when I opened the front door and yet I still blamed myself. Oddly enough, the neighbors did too, and even more so, I’m pretty sure the police did as well. The questions they asked me were completely absurd. “What clothing do you normally wear? Could he have seen you in skimpy clothing? Do you normally wear that (red lace) bra? What medications are you taking or have you been drinking? How many people have you slept with in the past?” How on earth is any of that relevant to the fact that a STRANGER forced his way into my house and forced himself on me?

I’m going to be honest with you, I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to be honest, but I didn’t want them thinking I had asked for this and I was embarrassed. I can dress a little provocatively at times. I teach a strip dancing class to abuse survivors which makes me appear a little less then angelic and also causes me to have quite the lingerie collection, which obviously I wear, so yes officer, I was wearing that bra UNDER MY CLOTHES. I am the girl that will pull you off a barstool and push you against the wall for a little fun, I like to mess around, what can I say? I’m down for friends with benefits and I’m totally ok with that because it’s my body and I’ll do whatever the hell I want to with it. If I’m dating you, sure, I’ll show up to your office for your “lunch break” if you want and even when we realize your boss watched the whole thing on the security camera, I’ll still come back tomorrow. But you know what? I’ve only actually gone all the way with ONE person. That’s right, I have only had consensual sex with ONE person. I don’t want to bring a list of past sexual partners to whomever I decide to share my life with, so no, I’m not the girl that sleeps around and just accidentally lured the wrong guy home. I like to have fun, but in no way does that signify a broad coverage “consent for sex” signal. So what should I have told the officers? “Yes, officer, I am a bit of a whore, but I don’t actually sleep with the guys. That poor stranger guy, he must have just been confused.”

And now, thanks to my stranger rapist, the scales have been tipped for me. Because of an abusive ex and the stranger rapist, I have had more unwelcome dicks inside of me than consensual ones, but thank you officers, for prying into my sexual history to see just how much the slut that is me could have been asking for this. Let’s ignore the fact that this was a planned attack, somehow, I must have lured him to me.

In no way did I lead this guy on, in no way did my clothing, or my drinking, or my interactions with him lead him on. If I caught that much flack for a rape that was pretty much as straightforward as a rape can get, what chance do girls stand that were raped when they broke the rules that society has set for “how to not get raped”? They don’t stand a chance.

Society blames girls for the choices that they made that led them to getting raped. On top of that, every girl is taught that if she gets raped, she has to perform her civic duty and report it. Then when she does, society scrutinizes every choice that she made that led to her getting raped. It’s a no win situation for her. How then, can you blame women for not reporting their rapes when all we are going to do is blame them anyways?

You want women to report their rapes? Stop looking at their lives through a microscope after they do. We are traumatized, we are ashamed, we are embarrassed. Stop putting all of that on display for the world to see and then pointing out everything that we did wrong. Let’s stop invading their lives and their personal spaces. Let’s make society stop publically raping them all over again.

Even if every woman in the world became sober and started dressing in nun’s clothing all the time, there would still be rape. There will always be rape while there are still rapists. The problem does not get fixed by changing the women, it gets fixed by changing the men.

You know why women get raped? Because someone rapes them.

Let’s stop teaching our women how to not get raped and start teaching our men not to rape them.

Photo Credit No Drinking: http://www.flickr.com/photos/secretlondon/
Photo Credit Police Rapist Sign: http://www.flickr.com/photos/spinneyhead/
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  • Tys
    December 17, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    I'm just so sorry this happened to you. Then astonished at the 1950's-ish backwards way it was handled by the police. Speechless.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 17, 2013 at 1:17 am

      Its sickening 🙁

  • Anonymous
    December 26, 2013 at 4:48 am

    Thank you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 4, 2014 at 2:58 am


  • Spider - Man
    January 4, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    I get so, so angry. My head is pounding.I don't want to think about it. But I have to think about it, because if I didn't, I would become one of them.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 4, 2014 at 2:58 am


  • Anonymous
    January 24, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    Yes. this is basically it, as far as not reporting. I was molested by a cousin with i was a kid (i had just turned 13) and it took me over 20 years to own my sexuality and thereby figure it all out. that it wasn't my fault. he had been trying to coax me into it since i was even younger, but it took until i was an insecure 13 year old for me to stop resisting and running away from him. the sandusky thing brought a lot of blog articles out of the woodwork and onto my radar, so that helped clear my mind on all this as well. At the time it happened, my mom and dad suspected and then blamed me completely. in fact, my dad almost killed me out of rage. my cousin knew this and just let me take the blame and kept molesting me. he was staying with us at the time. my family is cross cultural. in villages in their home country, honor killings still happen. so, that was my parents context i guess. our relationship was ongoing even after he got married, until my early 20s- when i could move on and not have to see him anymore. now that i have clarity and am not trying to bury this secret all the time, i do think about it consciously. i'm just getting used to it being there and being a part of me and existing holistically. i've crafted a few messages to him to tell him i know and that i hope he isn't preying on other kids, but then deleted them. in the end, i don't want to engage him. i've thought of telling my siblings who i have finally become close to again, but i need more time. not to mention it causing a major rift in the family. they will stand up for me and go off probably. so i guess i'm looking out for ME. i just want to accept myself. i think the worst part about being molested is – knowing how your innocence was taken, feeling used, and how that will be a part of your sexual history forever. it was the beginning.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 24, 2014 at 9:14 am

      Wow hun, that’s a lot to take in. I can’t relate to family abuse, but I lost my virginity to rape, and it sucks.

      Accepting yourself is definitely the hardest issue. Constant reassurance that this is NOT your fault. That you did NOT deserve this. Lots of self love. I’m here for you if you need anything. Be strong dear, we are all walking some crazy version of the same path here.


  • Anonymous
    April 26, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    I was molested by my uncle when I was 11 or 12, while I was sound asleep in my bedroom, the day before I started middle school. I guess wearing a nightgown was invitation enough? Last year, I had a neighbor come on my property looking for scrap metal, and he helped himself to my boobs, and suggesting a quickie (yuk! and while my 2 Girls are watching out the window – poor them, when I entered the house, they were scared), And this happened because I was in a skirt and tank top, and offered scrap metal?Yeah, something needs to change.”I claim that rape exists any time sexual intercourse occurs when it has not been initiated by the woman, out of her own genuine affection and desire.” ~Robin Morgan

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 27, 2014 at 5:17 am

      Yep. Society, fun..

  • Anonymous
    July 24, 2014 at 5:08 am

    You go girl! 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      July 24, 2014 at 4:39 am

      Yay!! Thanks 🙂

  • Sao Luo Bo
    December 16, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    True!! It's somehow always the girls fault. It is like a fucking universal truth everywhere. Even here in India, we have Goddesses, we pray to the feminine form of creation. But we forget about it, outside the temple. Objectifying women, this is all this society has been reduce to. I am not saint, but at least I have never committed anything against anybody's will. The police, the media, it's all a circus. No matter how many times they repeat the same drill, in the end they screw up everything. And media, just blows it up, out of proportion. And then we have smart ass, below intelligence politicians who come up with comments like “They are boys, they make mistakes”. Bloody mistakes cost lives. “If the girls will wear jeans or skirts rapes will happen”. I mean how the hell is jeans or a skirt related to a crime. Your blog my friend is an eye opener of sorts to me. Thanks for writing these. Appreciate it!!

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