Death, Rescue Me


Did you all know I write poetry? I can’t remember if I’ve shared that on here before. Most of my early work and my first published book, was all poetry. I haven’t shared my poetry in a long time because it has become intensely personal, but tonight I guess I’m feeling open.

**Trigger Warning**

I hear the door open and my heart beats faster.

He is home.

Burying my head under the covers, please let him think I’m asleep.

The thumping of my heart beating in sync with every thud of his footsteps coming up the stairs.

The bedroom door opens.

Terror.

Every fiber of my being telling me to run away, yet ever wrestling the internal struggle of my desperate soul against my brain screaming “DON’T FUCKING MOVE.”

Keep my eyes shut. Monsters aren’t real!

I feel a hand moving up my thigh. Please, just let me die.

Any chance of remaining in my tomb of silent sleep is shattered as I am forcefully rolled to my back.

This is the man that I chose to marry.

I start to sit up, please, not tonight.

“We can do this the hard way, or the easy way, either way, its getting done. I’ll let you choose as to how much it hurts.”

I sink back down into my soulless coffin, the pillows surrounding me with their suffocating hugs.

A hand wrapped “lovingly” around my throat.

I whimper.

His breathing is labored, as mine becomes strained. Darkness creeping in around the edges.

Please stop!

This is not what I signed up for.

I recite my vows in my head, “till death do us part.”

Please death, I’m ready to go.

Rescue me.

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31 Comments

  • Mzfuzz
    March 12, 2014 at 1:38 am

    Poetry for me was always a good way to simply express complex concepts. It was a good way for me to talk about what had happened to me in a way that I could bear. Thanks for sharing some of yours. *hugs*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 12, 2014 at 1:50 pm

      Very true. It lets you express what you are feeling without needing to really get into the details

      Hugs!

  • windmill
    March 12, 2014 at 7:23 am

    I'm still reading. Couldn't let this one go by without comment. I am so sorry for what he put you through. Rape is such a horrific thing to go through, to have to deal with this so regularly must have been hell. You're not alone. Thinking of you. *hugs* if ok.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 12, 2014 at 1:50 pm

      Thanks hun 🙂

  • Mary Anne
    March 12, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Wow…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 12, 2014 at 1:50 pm

      Hugs

  • The Loud Introvert
    March 12, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    I am sorry for all that you have went through in life! You are an amazingly strong woman!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 12, 2014 at 1:50 pm

      Aw, thank you 🙂

  • Amanda Harris
    March 12, 2014 at 11:52 pm

    So haunting, especially 'A hand wrapped 'lovingly' around my throat'''. Very immediate, very confessional voice. I like the piece, but I'm even happier that you didn't need to die to be rescued.*hugs*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 12, 2014 at 1:50 pm

      I’m happy about that too 🙂

      Glad you enjoyed it, thanks for letting me know 🙂

  • Lotus
    March 13, 2014 at 12:31 am

    Beautiful and heartbreaking. Glad you're out of there, you're so strong. Hugs!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 13, 2014 at 1:50 pm

      Thank you for being a part of my journey!!

  • afairytale84
    March 13, 2014 at 1:43 am

    Wow. This is such a haunting piece.I'm so glad you got out of there. Sending you many hugs.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 13, 2014 at 1:51 pm

      Funny, you are the second person to use the word “haunting.”

      Thanks for reading hun 🙂

      Hugs

  • Anonymous
    March 13, 2014 at 1:51 am

    They way you write is very captivating. A lot of writers are great in one style of writing and that's it, but you tend to bounce around in different styles (humor, memoir, poetry, advice, etc) and each one is just as engaging.I tip my hat to you my dear.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 13, 2014 at 1:51 pm

      Well thank you very much 🙂 (takes bow)

  • Lotus
    March 13, 2014 at 3:49 am

    Of course- thank you for sharing your journey! You are such a positive role model and I love reading your posts 🙂

  • Danny
    March 21, 2014 at 10:41 pm

    You never should have had to go through that. That's not a real man. A real man would have protected you. I know you want to remain anonymous, but I would love to meet you. I truly see how amazing you are and you deserve that

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 21, 2014 at 1:51 pm

      Well that’s a pretty fine offer, but yes, you are right, it would be a little hard to maintain my anonymity if I met you.

      With your charming ways I’m sure you will find someone who isn’t in hiding 🙂

  • Anonymous
    April 27, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    I know how you feel – sort of. The dreading part… Your ex was pretty mean spirited. He's gone now.You've made wonderful choices to make the life of your children, and your life better. I hope now you can think of new poems! Beautiful ones, about your children, and rainbows, and ladybugs, and the friendly monsters 🙂 Because, I will tell you, there are friendly monsters 🙂 My eldest draws them all of the time, and they're beautiful friendly monsters 🙂 They protect us :)I know Eden, it's not easy…but you have many reasons to write different poems now …I'm trying to write new ones too…Nathaliexoxoxox

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 27, 2014 at 1:51 pm

      I have a few more I will probably share soon 🙂

  • Anonymous
    April 28, 2014 at 2:19 am

    Looking forward to them 🙂

  • Anonymous
    June 21, 2014 at 3:21 am

    you're a bit over dramatic…your first published book?! I wanna read that! how come you never learned how to spell though.

  • Anonymous
    June 21, 2014 at 3:31 am

    Are you seriously calling a rape victim dramatic?i feel really sorry for my future children that have to deal with people like you infecting our world. Thanks troll, you accomplished your goal of really pissing someone off tonight thanks to a thread that I subscribed to

  • Anonymous
    June 22, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    I don't see anything wrong with her spelling, not to mention she is a writer, not an editor….

  • Anonymous
    June 27, 2014 at 5:13 am

    Eden does make a lot of small spelling and grammar mistakes, but they never detract from her writing.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      June 27, 2014 at 1:51 pm

      Ha, yes, I never claimed to be an editor. Writer yes, editor no 🙂

      Thanks guys 🙂

  • Anonymous
    June 27, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    This isn't poetry.

  • Anonymous
    June 27, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    I bet you also dry your hair hair in the bathtub

  • Amanda
    January 12, 2015 at 4:50 am

    I know my post is kind of late, but I'm truly happy you got out alive. I work briefly with a lot of domestic violence cases over the phone and I never get to hear the outcome; I just set up the counseling and hope they go. So many tragic cases I hear, and I just pray those women take and get the help they deserve. I'm so glad you are safe. I truly am.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 12, 2015 at 1:52 pm

      Thank you for the work you have done. I was the girl on the other end of the phone more times than I would like to admit. What you did was important, more than you will ever know, even if they didn’t follow through with anything you told them. Just knowing there was someone there when I (we) called, that’s a lot. So thank you!!

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