Just In Case You Were Starting To Think I Was Normal….

You all know I’m weird, right? I mean at this point in the game, this is a well established fact, am I correct? Well just in case you needed some more proof, here are some totally random and odd facts about me that you never cared to know.

#1. I was once awoken in the middle of the night, in my pitch dark bedroom because something was moving. My brain was going a hundred miles a minute trying to figure out if the moving creature was a robber, one of my children, or did I own a dog that I had forgotten about? Nope, none of those and whatever it was, it was moving very fast. I’m now freaking out so naturally I hide under my sheet, because that’s logical. The monster creature then runs across my bed and at this point I am fully convinced that either a demon is about to suck my soul down to hell or I am about to go head to head with a rabid raccoon. At some point I realize that I’m screaming. In a last ditch attempt to save my life I somehow levitate over to the light switch, flick it on, and come face to face with…….my neighbor’s cat. How it got in, I have no idea.

#2. I have an irrational phobia of fish. Like I’ve said before, they don’t blink and that is just not natural. I think it stems from when I was three years old and at my grandparent’s lake house. My teenage boy cousins had gone fishing and were gutting the fish for dinner, and they thought it would be a marvelous idea to tackle me and stick all the fish eyes onto me. Did you know they stick like glue? ((SHUDDER)) I remember running in the house in the middle of a full blown panic attack and all of the adults telling me to “get the eyes out of the house.” I had to sit on the back porch and peel them off one by one while the eyes stared at me. Even now, when I clean my client’s house that has a fish tank in it, I have to fight the urge to drop a hair dryer in the tank.

#3. I still sleep with my baby blanket. Well, not the same one, but they still make the same one and sell it at Sears, so even though I wash it regularly, I replace it every few years because it just seems like the appropriate thing to do. So even though I am a total freak, I’m at least hygienic.

#4.  I sleep with the lights on downstairs so that intruders can’t tell if I’m awake or not, which is kind of an irrelevant fear, seeing as how all of my assaults happened during the hours when most people are awake.

#5.  I don’t care if you are an Olympic sprinter, there isn’t a person in this world that can move faster than I can when I hear that distinctive pre barfing noise come out of one of my children. I can be there in a tenth of a nano second out of a dead sleep.

#6. I told my English teacher in high school that I wanted to be a writer and she told me to aim lower, that the world needs gas station attendants. I should find her home address and we can all send her some fan mail.

#7.  After I lit my second stove on fire in home economics class, the school asked me to find a different elective to take. Because it was halfway through the year, everything was full except for auto mechanics. I was the only girl in the entire program, and the boys were relentlessly mean to me. They would lock me in the tool cage, have contests to see who could stuff the most money down my pants, and they never wanted me on their work team. Well, I don’t back down from a challenge, so I stayed in the program all four years. At the end we all participated in a state wide competition where we were given an entire car engine, disassembled. Each team had to assemble the engine and make it run; the winning team would receive a college scholarship to a trade school. Well, surprise, surprise, none of the guys wanted to be on my team. Well SURPRISE, SURPRISE, not only did I finish first, but my engine was the ONLY one to run. Take that boys!

#8.  Speaking of fixing things, I remodeled almost my entire house on my own. I used to do a lot of mission work so I had to take workshops on everything from roofing and dry walling, to laying tile and plumbing.  It really came in handy when we bought our house and I ripped it apart and remodeled it from the ground up. Now that it’s all done I’m bored as heck.

#9. I burn an obscene amount of scented candles.

#10. I have absolutely no sense of direction, literally none at all. I swear to you if I am driving down the road going somewhere that I have gone every day of my life and they trim a tree, I’m all “Oh my gosh what planet am I on??!!”

#11. I do not understand how to use a majority of female beauty products. I just don’t get it. Glue plastic eyelashes to my eyelids? How do you not glue your eyes shut? Trim my eye brows with what? I have no idea what all twelve different types of manicures you can get are. I have no idea what you use a lip pencil for and why there are so many makeup brushes. The extent of my makeup knowledge comes from buying a four dollar cover girl product off the rack at the grocery store and hoping that I can make it look like the picture on the front. I’ve never dyed or highlighted my hair with a box. I did get my hair dyed once in college. My friend and I went blond. I looked like Casper the friendly ghost. It was really sad and actually quite scary looking.  All of this strikes me as odd seeing as how I am about as girly as they come, except that I can do fun things like fix cars and drywall.

#12. I didn’t get my drivers license until I was almost 20 years old.

#13. When I was younger my parents told me that I was so pale that I looked like a vampire and then my mother sent me to the tanning salon. As I’m lying in the skin cancer tube of death, envisioning that this is how a burrito feels in the microwave, I suddenly realize that “hey, even if I was tan they still wouldn’t want to look at me,” so I hopped out and decided to embrace my pearly white skin.

#14 One time before we were married, I was driving directly behind my ex husband on the way to his apartment. We had met up after work to pick up a pizza and a movie to take back to his place. While we were driving, my car stalled out in the middle of a busy intersection, but he just kept on driving. I was sure he would notice that I wasn’t following him and come back. While I waited I called the police, called a tow truck, and still he didn’t come back. I called his phone over and over, but he never answered. The tow truck driver was nice enough to drop me off at my ex’s apartment, where I banged on the door for thirty minutes before he finally let me in. He had eaten the pizza and was taking a nap!! “Oh, I didn’t see you behind me anymore, so I thought you changed your mind.” I really have no words. I’m not sure who is dumber, him, or me for marrying him. I think probably me.

#15. I didn’t have my first alcoholic drink until I was 29 years old. I’m thirty now and making up for lost time. Except for a sip of someone’s once, I’ve never had coffee. I do not intend on making up for lost time.

#16. I love horror movies. The scarier the better!! Except for the time my friend and I saw the midnight showing of one and didn’t pull into her driveway until 2:30am. She got out of my car, walked around the front to go to her front door, her trashcan moved, we both screamed, and then a tiny little bunny hopped out from behind it. We took about 3 seconds to point and laugh at each other, and then our laughter was silenced by the Rottweiler that had apparently been chasing said bunny, and had now barreled past the trashcan, placed its front paws on my friends chest, and was viciously barking right in her face. I’m screaming “GET IN THE CAR!! GETINTHECAR!!!” and she is not moving, not even blinking. In what was most likely about four seconds but in reality felt like four years, the dog jumped down and took off running after the bunny. I lost about 3 years off of my life that night.

#17. I sing while I grocery shop and I don’t really care who hears. I also ride the shopping cart like it’s a scooter. On more than one occasion another shopper has said to me something to the effect of “if only I had that much fun shopping.”

#18. I had two eight hour long foot and ankle surgeries when I was 21 years old. A couple years later some of the metal hardware needed to be removed. My ex convinced the doctor to take it out in his office because he didn’t want to get stuck waiting around for me in the hospital again. Convinced meaning somehow brow beat this doctor into setting aside all of the concerns he was trying to bring up such as “extremely painful, needs a sterile environment because of exposed bone marrow, Etc.” Yep, the ex talked the doc into doing it in the office, right then and there.  I was not ok with this plan whatsoever, but I knew better than to say anything, so I watched as the doctor covered the entire room in sterile dressings. Then he numbed up my skin and pulled out an actual (medical) screw driver. I said to him “wait, you only numbed up my skin and you are going to take a screw out of my bone, aren’t I going to feel that?” His response? “I’ll be fast.” The next thing I know I hear a horrific “er er er” noise and feel SEARING pain. The nurse is telling me to breathe and I’m telling her that I don’t want to breathe because I am trying to pass out. Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

#19. I have never gotten the hang of shower sex. I just don’t get it. I don’t want my face pressed against the tile so backwards seems out. Facing each other, I’m pretty short so if the dude picks me up, there is a good chance he will slip and we will both fall. So…..? It’s also almost too hot, like pass out hot. I do love me some shower fun with a friend, but I don’t understand how to do the actual sex part of it. I know people do it and love it, I apparently, am just not one of them. Maybe I will meet the guy that gives the situation new light, but I have yet to find him. If someone knows how this is supposed to work, please tell me, because I don’t get it.

#20. I’m starting to wonder when my friends will ask me why I have removed half the furniture from my living room and put large mirrors there instead. In home strip dance class anyone? It saves money on renting studio space! Granted I have ten rooms in my house, but hell, let’s just make it front and center shall we? I actually thought about converting one of the other rooms, but while I was deciding which room to sacrifice, the kids and I were having so much fun having crazy dance parties in the living room that I decided to just keep the mirrors there! 

#21. My dishwasher is making a REALLY loud grinding noise so if someone could tell me how to fix that, that would be great. Thanks.

#22. Growing up there was a family that took me in a lot that had quite a bit of money and a girl my age, who is now actually one of my best friend’s. Her dad has an extremely prestigious job and because of them I was afforded a lot of fun opportunities that I would not have otherwise had. Nothing quite beat the time that we were visiting her grandparents horse farm estate and after wandering around for hours in the museum like house, we stumbled upon her “hair” room. Yes, this house had a room for everything. I am absolutely not kidding you, there was an entire room for everything. There was even a full time house keeper that turned down our beds at night and left candy on our pillows. If I could have adopted myself right into that family you had better believe I would have. Private airplane, trip’s overseas, penthouse on the beach, here I come! But anyways, back to the hair room. Yes, the HAIR ROOM. We spent hours dying in laughter as we tried on wig after wig until we finally each decided on a wig that we were going to wear. At least I “had” decided, that is until my friend looked at me and said “Oh. I wonder how that got back in here. You’re wearing the hair my great grandma died in. I guess they didn’t bury her in it.” WTF.

#23. I sleep in a sports bra because I heard it keeps your boobs from getting saggy. I can’t say if it’s been scientifically proven, but two babies later, each nursed for a year, they’re perky as can be. Score!!

#24. In high school I worked at a family fun center that had a four story children’s play land with climbing tubes and slides. One day they were doing a photo shoot for the brochure and other advertisements.  The kid models they were using apparently weren’t “doing it right,” so the manager asked me to show them what he wanted them to do by climbing to the top, sliding down the enclosed slide, and when I reached the slide exit to throw my arms up in the air like I was having fun. Well, imagine my surprise when the advertisements came out (in a brochure, a commercial, and local ads all over town) and the cover photo was not of any child model, but of me, having way too much fun for my age at a family fun center. I went there a couple years ago and yep, I’m still on the wall. Lovely.

#25. When I was younger I worked in a pet store. People would routinely come in looking for snake food and they would ask for “Pinkies (newborn hairless frozen mice), Fuzzies (slightly older baby frozen mice), or a mouse/rat and they would specify if they wanted it dead or alive. If they wanted it alive you boxed it up and sent it on its executionary way. If they wanted it dead you broke its neck and sent it on its way. If they wanted the frozen ones you got the dead babies from the freezer. Oh hell no. I was ok with just about NONE of that. Every time a customer would come in I would say, in my most empathetic voice of course, “Oh, I’m so sorry, but we are all out!” If they pointed out the mice in the cages, I would go the extra step and thank them for pointing out that I had forgotten to put a sold sign on the cage and then I would slap one right up there. The same scenario was repeated if they asked for grasshoppers and if they asked for fish I either passed them off to someone else or told them no fish people were on duty.

#26 I come from a long line of strange. My mother’s mother killed herself (which is actually really sad). Her father remarried and the woman, my mother’s stepmother, murdered him.

#27 People ask me on a daily basis if my eyes are real. Dude, you know you can’t really see out of prosthetic eyes, right?

So there you go folks, information that you never needed or cared to know about me! Now that I have given you a good laugh, how about you all return the favor and tell me some crazy info about yourselves?