Oh F**k I Peed On The Floor
No, for me it was more like “Oh my gosh, what the fuck is going on, please can we get this over with.” Now I know that my take on pregnancy offends a lot of people, but seriously, I can’t help the way I felt. It does not change the love that I have for my children, it does not mean that I didn’t spend all nine months sleeping on the pregnancy required left side for better blood flow to the baby, it does not mean that I went against the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations and binged out on lunch meat, it simply means that the act of actually growing a baby did not feel natural to me and I really did not find it all that enjoyable.
I had always heard the term “when your belly pops,” describing the moment that you suddenly look pregnant, but I really had no idea that yes, you like actually pop. Like you go to bed with a flat tummy and you wake up visibly pregnant. Again, this was extremely unnatural to me. I would stand in the mirror every day, look at my swollen tummy, and think “oh. My. Gosh. Ohmygosh. OH MY GOSH.” The fact that you just keep growing and expanding and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, it’s weird. Again, I feel like I should have been all “Oh, look at me, I’m growing a life and I am so beautiful doing it” but to be honest, I didn’t feel like that. I felt huge. I felt uncomfortable. I felt totally out of control. I loved my little baby, I was so excited to meet her, but the physical changes were a little horrifying to me.
|Four Months Pregnant|
|Then boom, six weeks later, hello baby.|
Suddenly I wanted all the uncomfortable pregnancy experiences. The kicks, the big belly, I wanted it all and I wanted it for at least two more months. I thought of the pile of lettersthat I had been writing to her, one every week since the day I found out I was pregnant, and I wondered if she would ever read them. I wondered if she would ever know the love that I had for her outside of my own body.
Ok, my water just broke.
I guess it’s not go time after all.
Except that after I’m situated back into bed, I feel something.
Something that feels like a head. Something that feels like a head coming out of my body, like right now.
Like right freaking now.
|I would like to point out that I am laying on and in pillows, with one on my belly. That is not all me!|
See, I freaking told you I felt a head coming out of my vagina! I know I’ve never done this before, but I’m pretty sure I can recognize when there is a HEAD COMING OUT OF MY VAGINA.
Aren’t I a fun patient…?