Can’t I Just Bang Both Of Them?
If you remember correctly, for quite a while I was dating quite a few people at one time, but nothing serious. In fact, when someone would approach me with the idea of labeling whatever it was that we were, I’d step out of the relationship completely. I just wasn’t in a place where I wanted to be in a “real” relationship. I was enjoying seeing what was out there, I was enjoying being single-ish, and to be honest, I was having fun.
Yea, I get it. To be honest though, I don’t regret doing it. It really has been working for me and I really have been happy with it. It allowed me time to learn how to stand on my own two feet and be my own person for once in my life, while still being able to figure out which qualities I do and don’t want in a man.
I was still getting used to the idea of being “in” a relationship, so I told him right away that I wasn’t sure when I would get to the point of monogamy and if he wanted to keep his options open that was fine with me. He confessed that he was pretty much in the same place. Neither of us wanted to commit completely, but we also spent way to much time together to be considered “casually dating.” We talked about it and together we decided to actively pursue a relationship with each other, but at the same time to keep our options open, and take things slowly.
Honestly, I love it, I really do, but this is not what I was setting out to do. I was setting out to have a “real” relationship with someone, not “someone’s.” This is not the example that I want to set for my kids. I have been able to hide the relationships from them up to this point, but I can’t do that forever. I am also willing to be open to the theory that by not committing completely to one person, I don’t have to let my wall completely down either. In the interest of personal growth and the betterment of my children, I think that monogamy might be good for me.
But I also don’t find myself feeling the way I think I should about Secret Agent Man. He isn’t particularly my type physically and he blows me out of the water when it comes to social awkwardness. While I have a great time with him, I find myself wondering if we would be better off as just friends, but I have a bad pattern of never falling in love with the guys that I should and I’m trying to change that. He doesn’t deserve to be dragged along for the ride though while I figure it out.
Then there is Doctor Dude. There is something about Doctor Dude that I just can’t shake. Something about him that gets me going in every way. We have talked about it quite a bit and Doctor Dude wants to stay together and see where things go, but I could never ask him to move away from his kids and the chances of me leaving a place that I love so much are unlikely so I feel like “what’s the point?” Yet despite my usual easy break-ups, I can’t imagine letting him go. He and I have talked quite a bit lately about making our relationship exclusive, yet the distance is a killer.
Let the record state that despite the title of this post, I haven’t slept with either of them. We have partaken in other adult activities, but I have yet to bang either one.