Back When I Was A Cutter…..

Look at me, I’m finally getting around to answering more of the questions you guys posed when I said you could ask me anything you wanted in the comments section of the post “Here’s Your Chance!” 
I’m going to tackle two questions with one answer today, because I’m savvy like that. I’m also nerdy and a little bit odd, but today we are going to focus on my resourcefulness.
“How do you deal with the anxiety’s that come from your past traumas?”
(Imagine me taking a deep breath here, as I just did, before tackling this one)
Honestly, for a long time I didn’t deal with them. All the pain, the traumas, the anxieties, I just let them build up until I was a completely non-functional, disastrous, mess of a human being. There really is only so much heartache a person can handle before your brain just starts to shut down its emotions in an attempt to protect your overall well being. One day I realized that I felt….nothing.
I literally felt nothing. The pain, the heartache, the sadness, the horror, it was all still there and yet it felt like nothing. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad, I simply felt like I had ceased to exist.
Every once in a while a painful emotion would break through and I wouldn’t know how to handle it. I had done such a great job of stuffing everything down into the basement of my soul and slamming the door shut, that when an emotion would seep out of the cracks in the floor and come rising to the surface, I felt out of control.
In high school I watched as my friends struggled the same way that I did, so many lost souls just looking for comfort. I watched them turn to drugs and sex to numb the pain, while I turned to cutting.
Cutting for me was the only way that I felt I could control my feelings. I cut because physical pain was so much easier to deal with, so much easier to tend to, and it was easier to let the physical pain mask the emotions that I simply did not know how to process.
I also cut on the days that I felt emotionally numb, when try as I might I just couldn’t feel alive. If you bleed, you are alive, and some days, bleeding felt like the only proof that I was still human.
It’s not something that I’m proud of and I don’t really like talking about it, but it is what it is and thankfully it didn’t extend far into my twenties.
I actually hesitated to answer this question when it was asked because I know that a lot of people aren’t going to agree with the way I’ve chosen to deal with my “mental health issues.”  I am an out of the box thinker, no doubt. I feel the push back from society when I don’t allow my child to participate in standardized testing and I refuse to abide by the school districts homework policy. I feel it when I base my vaccination preferences off of my own research and when I send my kids to daycare with their GMO free, no artificial dyes, organically packed lunch in BPA free glass containers, forgoing the daycare provided meals. I’ve been balked at when I explain that I don’t allow Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network in my house because of the inappropriate jokes, yet at the same time I choose to expose my kids to things that are probably well beyond what typical society might deem appropriate. I often choose holistic healing and dietary changes over Western medicine and I know that tends to throw people up in arms. I’m not a jump on the bandwagon person. I feel strongly about the choices that I make, and I make them on what I consider to be my own well researched information, yet I am well aware that many an eyebrow has been raised in my direction. My life choices have caused more than a few debates and I hesitate to fire up a war zone over here, but what the hell, I said I’d answer anything! 
**With that being said, please understand that this is what *I* chose to do. If this had not worked for me I would have moved on to something else, and I am in no way judging people who choose different treatment plans, I am simply answering the question as asked; “how do you deal with your anxieties?”**
When I got married and quickly realized that I was deemed the nonexistent human being in our relationship, I really struggled with staying in touch with my feelings, feelings that I was constantly told should not exist. Eventually, they truly did not exist. I was so detached from myself that in an effort to not go jumping off of a bridge somewhere, I would say that I fell into a fairly robotic state for most of my married years.
When my ex left and I suddenly had no one to inform me of how I was feeling, I was completely lost. I initially I went to go see a doctor, explaining that I felt like a shell of a person; no happiness, no sadness, no real human emotions whatsoever. She prescribed me an antidepressant, but when I filled the prescription I just sat there looking at the bottle. What I needed, was not a prescription. It felt like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound; cover it up and it won’t exist, yet all the while you are bleeding to death on the inside.
A pill wasn’t going to change the fact that my life was a complete wreck, it was only going to change the way that I felt about it, and to me, that wasn’t going to be solving much. I didn’t want to change my brain chemistry, I wanted to change the way that I dealt with my emotions. Now don’t get me wrong, some people truly are dealing with an internal chemical imbalance that affects their external life, in which case a medication might be great for that, but I was dealing with an external issue that was affecting me internally.
I quickly found that physically pushing myself kept my anxieties in check. My brain moves fast. I talk fast, I write fast, I move fast, everything I do just naturally tends to happen in fast forward. My unprofessional opinion believes that as a child I lived in such an adrenaline hyped atmosphere, that it caused my brain to wire itself to run a little bit faster than the norm, so remaining physically active allows me a healthy outlet for what otherwise would be pent up, frustrated, energy. I love to run. Running allows me time to think, time to just focus on me and I am reminded with every burning breath that I am alive. Toning and light weight training helps to fatigue and relax my otherwise tense body. 
After all the trauma’s that I’ve had, after all the injustices against my body, dancing has been a great way for me to reconnect with something that I have tried so hard to disconnect from, my own skin. I know that I really only talk about my strip classes on here, but I actually dance everything from hip hop to lyrical. Ballet though is where my heart lies. Being able to fluidly move my body has had a very therapeutic reconnection effect, reinforcing the fact that I am in this body, that this body is me. 
As an added bonus to my fitness routine, hello body after baby! (You see what I did there? I answered the second question of “how did you get your body back after two babies. Killing two birds with one stone here people.)

I chose not to take the medication because I didn’t want to numb away my feelings anymore than I already had. It is ok to feel anxious, to feel sad, to feel hurt. These are all emotions that are designed to alert us to the fact that something in our life is not functioning correctly. It is not a bad thing to have those emotion’s, it’s just a bad thing when you don’t deal with them. I make sure that I allow myself to be sad when I need to. I’ve been screwed over in a lot of ways and it’s ok for me to feel sad about that. Those feelings are not any less important just because they are unpleasant and I refuse to shove them down anymore. When I need to be sad, I allow myself the time to do it. I’ll take a bath, sit in the silence, and just allow myself to feel the emotions. It is ok to feel sad, the important thing is just to not dwell on it. Allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to acknowledge that you are hurting. Feel it, absorb it, and then put it into perspective.
I’ve also made the conscious choice to abstain from most food items that have a direct effect on your brain chemistry. Yes, I do like to go out and have a good time, drink with my friends, and have a glass of wine at home, but what it means is that I choose not to allow chemically altering items to be a part of my daily routine, like a daily caffeinated cup of coffee for example. I know that with the past that I’ve had, I really need to keep a close watch on how I am feeling, and I don’t want to allow my feelings and energy levels to be chemically altered on a daily basis or I’m not going to be able to accurately track my moods from day to day.
These days I have the skills to be able to understand how I’m feeling. When I feel sad or hurt, I don’t shove it down anymore. I let the feelings come as they are and I work through them, attempting to understand why I am feeling that way before the situation gets beyond the grasp of my control. I’ve continued to find that a regular fitness routine has helped enormously with my anxiety levels. I am, by nature, an anxious person, and making my workout a priority instead of a luxury benefits not only me, but my children and the people around me as well. When I feel my mood shifting to a less than pleasant place, I make the time to deal with it. I force myself to relax and allow myself to process what I’m feeling, and if I can’t get the feelings under control, then I know it’s time to check in with my therapist, who is a lot smarter than I am. I eat as healthy as I can and even though I will fully admit to the occasional candy binge, I live as cleanly as I can.
When dealing with any mental health issues, it is important to remember to make yourself a priority. You all know how much I struggle with making myself a priority, but I realized a long time ago that my kids are going to be a reflection of me. I want to be the best, healthiest, and most stable example that I can set for them. My mood is going to determine how I interact with them and I want them to feel nothing but love and security from me, so I’ve made it a priority to keep my mental health status in check.
Whatever you do, take care of yourself first, our lives are so busy. There are kids that need to be tended to, deadlines at work, projects at school, homes that need cleaning, and significant others that need attention, but your health is the foundation of your life. Each and every person that you interact with will be affected by the emotions that you put out. The examples that you set, the lessons that you teach, the work that you do, it all reflects back on the foundation of who you are. As corny as it sounds, you need to be the best that you can be. It is not selfish to need a nap when you are overtired. It is not lazy to want to relax in the tub when you have had a long day. You deserve to have some time with yourself! You deserve to give your feelings, your soul, the same attention that you give to the rest of the demands in your life.
We are not robots and so many of us function as if we are, going through the motions day after day, falling into habits and routines that we barely think about.
We are people. We are living, breathing, feeling, souls. Emotions incarnate that have the power to drastically change the world around us. The changes that you make, the examples that you set, they should be coming from a place of good. They should be coming from a healthy and stable foundation. You deserve to be the best that you can be and the people around you deserve to get the best that you have to offer.
Make time for yourself, everyone in the world deserves that you do.
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  • Mary Anne
    May 20, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    I do not think anything you said you do, whether for your kids or yourself, is in any way odd or strange! I applaud your commitment to your children's heath and the methods you are using, I believe, will prove to be very sound and intelligent. What we are beginning to learn about GMO foods, flouride in water, vaccines, and electronic stimuli, just to name a few, is extremelt disturbing. Many people pay no attention to these emerging truths.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      May 20, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      Thanks! The more I learn about things like GMO’s the more freaked out I get. Did you know that they genetically modify corn so that when bugs eat it, it punches holes in their blood cells and kills them? It keeps the bugs from eating our crops, but unfortunately human kidney cells also get holes punched in them!


  • windmill
    May 20, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    I think that, as long as you're able to cope (which clearly you are), it's totally ok to say no to meds. I was on anti-depressants for over 10 years. I guess at times they helped, when I wasn't ready or able to find other ways of coping. But ultimately I've found I'm way better off without them. II have the utmost respect for you in having found ways of coping that work for you. No judgement here about the self-harm either. I stopped cutting/burning 6 years ago, but I think my reasons for hurting myself weren't that dissimilar to yours. I'm just about to end therapy after over 7 years. Got just 2 sessions left (although I could contact her in future if I wanted to see her again briefly). I couldn't overemphasise how helpful it's been. I didn't learn on my own to put myself first, therapy taught me that. I'm not always very good at it, but it's good advice for sure. You're an inspiration for sure.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      May 20, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      I’m always suprised at how many people are or were cutters. I used to think it was only me and like one random other kid, but it is WAY more prevelant than people think. The shame and stigma that is attached to it is so hard to deal with.

      I’m so glad that therapy helped you, and wow, way to go you for being almost “done.” !!! Party in blogland!!!

  • afairytale84
    May 20, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Meds work for some people and not for others. It is my honest opinion that we are WAY over-medicated as a country. Now, that's not to say that there are people who don't legitimately need medication. Medication truly works and is vital for many, many people. And for those people, I'm glad medication is there to give them what they need. It just seems to me that, as a whole, we'd rather give people a pill to hide the feelings rather than teach them to deal with the feelings. Put a bandaid on a cut and forget about it.As long as you're doing your research, which you very clearly are, I see nothing wrong with the decisions you're making for your children. I try to eat as healthy as I can (though I admit to drinking WAY too much coffee – I do put the natural/organic creamer in though!) I've seen the shows on Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network and cringe. More for the fact that it seems every cartoon needs to have a mentally challenged character to make fun of. It's all stupid humor and stuff. Just not at all what I would want my non-existent child to watch. And I'm agreeing 100% with Mary Anne above about all the electronic stimuli having a disturbing effect on kids today. They can't communicate, they can't read or write, they're fully dependent on a screen to entertain them. It's terrifying.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      May 20, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      First paragraph is spot on 🙂

      Yes! I didn’t even remember the mentally challanged character, but YES!!!! That is so true!!

      Too many electronics, not enough playing outside!

  • Cat Tackett
    May 20, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    This definitely hit home for me! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has/had a tendency to shove everything down and simply not feel. I am finally getting the help I need and my therapist is working with me so I will allow myself to feel bad stuff too and cry when I need to. I am able to feel happy again though — and I'm so, so, happy (which is probably why I don't want to feel the bad). I am the same with the medications too. I was on them for awhile and I never felt like myself. I'm terrified they'll try to put me back on the meds again…..I'm so glad that you're handling your traumas in a healthy way! As usual, thank you so much for writing this — the timing is absolutely perfect! I started seeking help, but I go kicking and screaming to my therapist and I have a mini panic attack in the parking lot before I go….I agree with windmill. You really are an inspiration and you are helping a lot of people. I feel like you have provided a virtual safe zone for other survivors who trying to deal and rebuild themselves.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      May 20, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      Oh hun, you are definitely not alone!

      I am so glad that I have all of you here with me. I know that you all thank me for writing here, but really, you guys are the one’s that bring me back. I love hearing everyone’s stories and seeing that as alone and misunderstood as we feel, here we all just “get it.”


  • Christie
    May 22, 2014 at 12:31 am

    I cut myself for a short period of time, it was so I wouldn't feel overwhelming shame and to punish myself because I thought I deserved it.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      May 22, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      That is really common. I hope you are feeling better now 🙂 Don’t ever forget that you deserve nothing but good, no one deserves a life of shame.


  • Anonymous
    May 24, 2014 at 3:55 am

    I never turned to cutting, but one day (at 15 or 16), I had enough of my life at home (with my biological father – biological is being kind – Oh and I had “uncles” too) I carved FUCK!, in my lower inside arm, with a push pin. It eventually went away (Man, it was there for a looooong time), which I'm glad it did…but if it didn't, I'd be glad too, it would be a reminder of a lot of things. But the reminder is in my head anyway. I'm so way more worth them…hurting me, a child? Hurting myself because of someone else – that hurt me? Yeah, no thanks, they won't win over me…but some days, it feels like they are…This is why I don't permit my daughters to see my biological father anymore – he surely didn't look out for me.I'm just glad I didn't gangrene with the pushpin ;)Much Love to All.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      May 24, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      I’m glad it went away for you as well 🙂 I’ve seen some pretty bad lasting scars on people and it makes it harder sometimes to move forward when they can literally see the evidence day after day.

      I like your outlook and I hope that you keep that amazing head of yours up so that the world can see you smiling 🙂


  • Anonymous
    May 25, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Yeah, like said, either way, it would be okay…my amazing head is up, and smiling 🙂 Although it feels like they've won, but they haven't! It's just my perception…I'm a big Girl now, and they can't hurt me anymore 😉 I am amazing! I do amazing things – they don't –

    • NotMyShametoBear
      May 25, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      Never forget that!

  • Anonymous
    July 18, 2017 at 4:54 pm

    I'm extremely impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your weblog.Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Anyway keep up the excellent quality writing, it is rare to see a great blog like this one today.


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