Well That Was An Interesting Turn Of Events


So….in an interesting turn of events;

I’m pregnant.

Just kidding.

Haha. Did anyone’s heart stop a little bit? Was that mean? I kinda thought it was funny.

No, I am most definitely not pregnant, not unless I am birthing a sibling for Jesus, in which case no angels have ascended upon me and told me of this glorious news….so I’ll feel a little bit cheated out of the experience if that’s the case. I am however, so very proud of myself.

Here, allow me to explain.
So, Piano Man and I, well… you guys….
As I told you in the post “I Just Don’t Even Know Where To Start,” Piano Man was trying so hard to get to know me and I, I just kept backing away. The more he did for me, the higher my wall went up. The closer he tried to get, the further I ran away. Well it didn’t get any better. In fact, it got to the point where he would just ask me a question and I would burst into tears.
Exhibit #1
The story behind that text was that I had decided to let him drive me somewhere. I know that sounds like no big deal, but to me it is. I’m very weird about getting in the car with men that I don’t completely trust. I think that once you have a man enact the child safety locks and burn the crap out of your leg with his cigarette,you become a bit paranoid of something like that happening again. Either way, this particular morning I decided to put on my big girl panties and let him drive us to a breakfast place before we both went to work. We were on our way home and I was trying to take my mind off of the fact that I would rather be anywhere but in that car and so naturally I convinced him that we needed to have a sing-a-long to the radio. It seemed like the best way to stop thinking about how uncomfortable I was and so there we were, singing along to the radio at the top of our lungs, when he asked me a question about my past and I BURST in tears. Like I couldn’t even help it, tears were just pouring from my eyes and sliding down my face like a snowman taking a walk through the desert.
I felt scared.
No, not scared, I felt terrified.
For some reason a feeling of panic overwhelmed me and for a minute I debated if jumping out of the car at the next stoplight was a feasible option.
I felt so stupid.
Eventually I managed to pull myself together and he drove me home. He felt terrible and I felt worse.
Despite his sweet text we never talked about it but I made a vow to myself to act like the grown-up that I am the next time I saw him. I really liked this guy and I needed him to know that I was not completely crazy.
Over the next couple of days we saw each other quite often and yet something, something just didn’t feel right. I felt myself becoming increasingly nervous around him and I couldn’t figure out why because he treated me like an absolute princess. One night we were sitting outside of my house, having a drink under the stars, he was talking about nothing in particular, and before I knew it I was crying again.
What the hell is wrong with me? Like seriously, I’m a girl and yes, I am a crier, but not ALL THE TIME! Not all the time for no obvious reason other than irrational panic.

This guy has absolutely got to think that I am not only completely nuts, but that I should probably be medicated or something.

He noticed my tears, put an arm around me, and said “Baby, what’s wrong? Just tell me what’s bothering you? I hate seeing you like this. I hate that I’m doing it and I don’t even know what it is that I’m doing.”

You guys, I didn’t say a word. I tried, I really did, but as hard as I fought to open my mouth and make something, anything, come out, I got nothing. I felt my entire body stiffen against the gentleness of his hug and suddenly I found myself staring at the floor where the only thing that I could do was watch the tears splashing down onto my feet, hitting my pink nail polish, and sliding down between my toes.
How long did we sit there? I don’t know. Five minutes? Ten minutes? Twenty minutes? I really have no idea.
At some point I was finally able to get a sentence out; “I think maybe you should go.”
I hated myself right then, I really did. I hated that he was trying so hard and that I felt so damaged. Gosh I felt so incredibly damaged.
He left and I cried harder, still unsure of why I was even upset in the first place and angry at myself for being such a disaster.
The next day I tried to just move on as if it hadn’t happened, but he was still clearly unsettled by my ever present tears.

Exhibit #2

For a while, I sort of just checked out, masking my ever growing confusion with the facade of a full schedule. We kept talking, but the rift that was developing between us was obvious. I felt horrible. He had done nothing wrong and I felt like an absolute jerk.

“I’m going to do this. I’m going to call him and talk. I don’t know what I’m going to talk about, but at least I can tell him the truth. He deserves the truth” was the pep talk I gave myself on the day that I finally convinced myself to pick up the phone.
I’m going to call him and tell him that I’m scared.
When the ringing stopped, interrupted by his sweet voice on the other end, I told him that we needed to talk, and then I told him the only truth that I knew; “I’m scared.”
What he said next was beyond what I could have imagined in my wildest dreams… and then some.

“I know. I should have talked to you sooner. I thought they were bound by doctor-patient confidentiality laws but I should have figured that being your friends and all that they would have told you.”
What. On. Earth. Is this guy talking about?
What do you even do in this situation?
You pretend like you know exactly what he is talking about and you see how much information you can pull out of him without letting him catch on to the fact that you have absolutely no idea what he is talking about.
“Well, how did you even figure out that I knew them?” was the only logical thing that I could think of to say.
He bought it hook, line, and sinker, and then proceeded to explain. “When I looked at your nonprofit website and I saw that she worked for you as a counselor, I knew that I needed to talk to you. What exactly did she tell you? Did she tell you that I’m a lot better, that I’ve come a long way? Whatever she told you, I promise you, that’s not me anymore.”
About the only thing I can think at this point is “what the hell?” but if I was going to figure out what on earth he was talking about, I needed to hold it together.
“It doesn’t matter what she told me babe, I’d like to hear straight from you everything that you should have told me in the first place.”
I heard him take a deep breath before he jumped right into it; Anger management classes, drugs, addictions, alcoholism, rehab, medications, counseling; all services provided to him by one of the counselors that works with my nonprofit.
What on earth are the odds!?
I sat there for a minute, half waiting to see if he was done talking and half because I didn’t even know how to absorb all of that information.
Now anyone who has read this blog knows that my ex was an addict with major anger issues. I don’t talk much about the details of his addiction, but I enabled him for years and years because I thought that if I couldn’t get away from him, I at least needed to hold him together for the sake of me and my kids. I never enabled his habit directly, but it was me that covered for him every time he messed up. It was me that repeatedly mended the tattered fabric of his life because I knew that if he went down, he was going to end up taking us all down with him.
After he disappeared and I found myself abandoned a second time by a guy who turned out to be very much like him, I decided that something needed to change. I worked my way through a 12 step program for enablers.Yep, that’s right. I went every week, stood in front of a group, and said “My name is Eden Strong, adult child of a mentally ill mother, abusive parents, and the ex wife of an addict.” I worked my way through the 12 steps of recovery, serenity prayer and all.

I worked the program hard because I needed to learn where I had gone wrong. I’ve had no one in my life that has ever given me any constructive direction and so I knew that if I didn’t want to continue going down the clearly broken path that I was on, that I needed to learn what was causing me to choose to walk such a rough road.
The program helped me a lot, more than I could have ever imagined, but never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined it helping me in this way.

Eventually I start talking.
“Wow hun, I had no idea. I’m proud of you, I really am. I am so proud that you are taking the steps necessary in getting your life together and I can tell that you are trying really hard, but I have to be honest with you; I’m not in the position to be who you would need me to be right now. You are a recovering addict and I’m a recovering enabler, this relationship would not be healthy for either of us. You, as well as I, know very well that addictions tend to stem from certain personality types and enablers are born from equally defective personality types. Your past and mine might actually be what initially drew us together; we may have been subconsciously attracted to something that was familiar to us in our past. The two of us together would be a disaster and I don’t think it’s really fair to either of us to subject ourselves to something that might not be in the best interest of our continuing recoveries. Please don’t think that I’m looking down on you because I know how hard it is to overcome an addiction and I really am proud of you, but I’m not in the position to be supportive of your recovery right now.”
I felt awful. I felt awful for about 23 seconds until he EXPLODED into a rage filled tangent that I could barely follow. There was quite a bit of swearing, screaming, it sounded like he was pounding on or throwing things, calling me names, and basically just losing his freaking mind.
What I did make out was “you are such a bitch! You think I’m just some loser who isn’t good enough for you! You just think that you are better than me and that because I work some crap job that you can do better! You’re probably fucking guys left and right and you know what? Screw you! Who the hell do you really think you are treating me like shit? Oh sure, Eden can do better than the loser that I am, which is pretty ironic because I’m overlooking the fact that you have two kids!”
I didn’t say a word.
Finally he said “Oh, so what now? You have nothing to say now?”
I simply replied “I’ve said my piece already, I don’t have anything more to add.”
“So you think I’m a loser than huh? You think you can do better than me? You’re just a bitch who wants someone with a better job and a perfect life!”
Now let me just interject for a minute and explain that I am the best/worst person to argue with. Argue- I just don’t do it. I’ll say what I have to say and you are welcome to take it or leave it but I won’t go around in circles to defend my position and I certainly don’t engage myself in screaming matches. I’ve done it in the past and I refuse to continue living that way. When I get into a difference of opinion with someone, I’ll say what I need to, I’ll hear what you have to say, I’ll reflect on it, and then we can discuss it later when we are both a little bit more rational. For some reason that seems to drive people INSANE. People tend to get angrier just because I refuse to argue with them. I think that they are expecting me to engage in the conversation more so that they can prove me wrong and then I’ll see their point of view, but I just won’t do that and so it frustrates them even more. I’ve learned that when people are heated up and angry that it’s really hard to have quality communication and so I would rather just discuss it later, yet because they are all fired up and have no one to argue with, quite often they just become enraged.
This time was no exception. 
“I’M TALKING TO YOU EDEN, SO DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN JUST THROW ME AWAY BECA– USE I’M SOME PIECE OF TRASH ADDICT AND YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO MAKES MORE MONEY THAN ME?!”
“Listen, Piano Man, I didn’t say any of that and I refuse to waste my time defending myself over something I never said. I told you what my reasoning was and it’s your choice to either take it at face value or fabricate your own version. I will not however be staying on the phone just so you can scream at me.”
With that I heard a flurry of ear piercing adult language, something about his dick, more adult language, and then I hung up the phone.
Needless to say, things with Piano Man and I are over. I think that he still needs to work on his recovery a bit more, but me?
I’m feeling pretty damn proud of myself.
For the FIRST time in my life I think I sensed danger in someone BEFORE they actually hurt me. A year ago I would have just been going along my merry way with this guy until he really hurt me and yet this time, I sensed that something was wrong.
I’m so glad that happened over the phone and not face to face!
Yes, I still have major trust issues that I need to work on with men and by no means am I going to start accommodating every fear that I have, but something about this guy was different than the rest. In every other relationship that I’ve had, I’ve been afraid to open up but have been working towards it. With this guy, the one that seemed on the surface like the “best fit,” I wasn’t just scared, I was having a visceral reaction to letting him get to close.
I HAD INSTINCTS BABY!!!
I guess the program worked!

In other news, brought on by the disaster who was Piano Man, I finally talked to the Detective Whose Name I Do Not Like about my past. I realized that while I have been scared to talk to him, I don’t have the same panic attack feeling when I’m close to him like I had with Piano Man. So in an effort to continue the healing process, I took a few bricks out of my wall and I let the detective peek in.
His reaction?

Perfect.


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87 Comments

  • Spider - Man
    August 8, 2014 at 6:18 am

    We're so proud of you, Eden. That's so great that you caught that early on. I can't even imagine what would've happened if you had pursued him.. the trauma you'd have to endure again and how it would've unraveled all that recovery you worked hard for. Remember, we're behind you on everything 100% of the way.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:47 pm

      Thanks Girly!! I can’t imagine what would have happened either, but I can imagine that it wouldn’t have been good!

      Thank you for your support!!

      *hugs*

  • Mary Anne
    August 8, 2014 at 11:08 am

    Way to go with the instincts, girl!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:32 am

      Whoo hoo!! Thanks!!

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 11:35 am

    You should be proud of yourself. That took guts. I think you deserve a mint chocolate chip brownie. Why am I fixated on those? But bloody hell they are delish.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:32 am

      Thank you!!! 🙂

      Send brownies, STAT!

  • Mzfuzz
    August 8, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! I'm so glad that A) You trusted yourself and made healthy choices and boundaries regarding Piano Man. B) You decided to let Det. YuckyName in a little bit! What an awesome testament to your healthy journey. I also want to thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope regarding your 12-step experience. You da bomb, grrl!

  • Ashley
    August 8, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    That is awesome that your insticts were leading you away from piano man on a subconscious level! Go girl 🙂 i also have to comment on the fact that i absolutely love that life recovery bible i attend a “walking in the light life recovery” program at my church (well, most Monday's) where we all read out of that bible and it is fannnntastastic! For any situation really!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:35 am

      I know… I was kinda surprised myself. I really didn’t think I had any instincts when it came to people! Lol!!

      I’m glad you like that Bible version too, it’s great!! I agree, very llife applicable in many situations

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Um ya. I could see what was coming several posts ago. He was like the definition of abusive personality. Glad your instincts kicked in.

  • butterfly 14
    August 8, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    Totally agree! Go Eden!!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:33 am

      Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!! Thanks 🙂 Thanks for being along on this journey with me 🙂

  • MeowMix
    August 8, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    Eden, I know exactly what you are talking about with those instincts! I have had that panic attack reaction to at least 3 guys I've dated since last fall (I divorced my sociopathic, abusive ex husband 5 years ago) and EVERY TIME my instincts have proven me right. The first few times it happened after I got divorced, I ignored my reaction or attributed it to something else like social anxiety or fear of intimacy or trust issues, etc… but the last few times I have trusted those instincts and EVERY SINGLE TIME I have been right! Even if they seem like the perfect fit in every way, I always eventually find out that they are one or more of the following: drug addict, recovering drug addict, alcoholic, recovering alcoholic, pedophile, porn addict, sex addict, cheating, lying about some major component of their past, have a restraining order against them from another woman, are seeing other people behind my back, are courting multiple women at the same time and telling us all the same things (I love you, i think we have a future together, etc…), have misdemeanors or felonies on their record, have killed one or more people (NO I AM NOT KIDDING!!!), have a severe untreated mental illness (schizophrenia), and that's all I can think of for now. You are SO SMART to get the information out of him like you did. I don't know that I would be able to think that quickly on my feet. I'm going to try to do this more. 🙂 SO PROUD OF YOU and relieved for you and your children that this guy is out of your life. So happy to see another woman who is finally “getting it” when so many women are still blinded with false perceptions of the horrible men they are with. I pray for all of their eyes to see the truth and the courage to act on it!One question I've been thinking about though… aren't you afraid your ex or someone who knows him will find your blog or other online articles?!? I would be terrified of that if I were you. Five years later I still post anonymously always on the internet because I know my ex still tries to stalk me via the internet and I'm so scared of what could happen!Love,MeowMix

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    He was? How?

  • Emmaline
    August 8, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    Yay you!!!!! Way to go! I have done plenty of dating, and the way men react when you tell them you don't want to see them is SO revealing!!!!Way to trust your instincts!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:46 am

      Yes!!!! I’ve broken up with my fair share of men this year and the reactions are unbelievable sometimes! I broke up with someone a few months ago just because I didn’t feel the “click” and when I told him he his reaction was just vile. I remember thinking “wow, I really dodged a bullet with that guy!”

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    Hey, just FYI, the word “jipped” has fairly racist origins. I didn't know it myself until recently, but I found out it's a slur on Romani people after I unintentionally upset a friend of mine. I thought I'd pass on the info. Good luck with everything.

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    Eden, you did right. His reaction was his own self esteem issue. He does sound like he's tried very hard and come a long way, but it would just be way too risky for you to be with him. (I'm lucky not to have been abused, but had friends struggle with it from emotional to physical to substances, etc. People I knew my whole life fell in a hole when we got older, and the hardest thing ever was to admit I couldn't help them, and couldn't really ever understand completely either.) Obviously you never have to deal with him again if you don't want to, but if you have any interest in reinforcing his recovery at all, when you feel better you could send a card.That says you DON'T think he's a loser, you actually think he's a winner, because he got help and did really well and you hope he believes you were sincere in saying you were proud of him. And he is a great guy and you want to be very clear that your own problem is the reason you had to walk away. That you didn't throw him away, it was you. Tell him you were married to his former twin, who's NOT changed or gotten better, and so you are too frightened to give a chance to someone with similar struggles, even tho he turned his life around. And you're sorry, because he'd be a great guy if you didn't have your own history. (Ok, load it on thick a bit, he needs to hear he did ok, he did try hard to choose to be different.) Say you completely respect his efforts and life, just wish YOU were different. You're just too damaged to be with him. But you never want him to feel you rejected HIM or HE wasn't good enough, it was you in the situation. (Consider you're doing this for all future dates of his, o.k.?) Right now he's feeling small, surly, stung + sulking, and deciding why did he try so hard, women are just like he thought to begin with (based on his past or childhood or whatever) for no matter what you actually said when you broke up, what he HEARD was, “You're a Loser, I don't want you, I don't care you worked hard, you're just trash, with a crap life, I'm throwing you away, I'm better than you, you're scum, etc.” He was hurt and his monster took over. (I know he doesn't deserve any effort on your part, but, he's at a point where he could go good or bad, depending on how he sorts this out, and you can help him change his perception and help recover and maybe make his next relationship healthier. Part of your non-profit work, as it were…) He has at least tried to improve and work on his problems, so he isn't your Ex all dissipated and evil, just clearly has a ways to go. (And now sort of regressed, pain sent him back.) Something he can read and consider, might help reshape his rejection feelings, he could say, “She didn't look down on me, her Ex was a bastard. Ok, she's a basket case, it was fear not disgust, she liked me, she just freaked.” Right now he's feeling like Lady Jane looked down her nose and threw him away (irrational, but the recovering are fragile, quick to feel despised, and hate you “making” them feel like that. It happens.) I finally had to part ways with a BFF who fell into abuse and substance struggles. Just too much for me to handle any more. But I wrote a letter later and said I sympathized but just couldn't deal any more because of my own issues. (It was me, sorry, wish her the best, not to think I didn't care, just couldn't cope, our paths so different, etc.) I heard it helped… (mutual acquaintances let me know how she was doing.) Anyway, a card he can think over without having a confrontation might make everyone feel better. (Especially if you're kind but leave the door very firmly shut to further interaction.) Thank him for everything you did share, and assure him it's you and your own damage. Wish him the best. (It's so rare for abusers to work on changing, you want to encourage them not to give up…)

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    I totally see where you're coming from, but I'm not so sure that's a good idea. that would once again put Eden in the enabler position, by making her responsible for his emotional well-being. he was basically abusive to her in that conversation, and it's not really her job to make sure he feels better about it. if anything he should be sending her a card apologizing. she has worked really hard to get her self esteem back and he basically told her all the reasons why she doesn't deserve anyone good. I do like everything you had to say, & I think that that's a great thing to do if you're friends, but I kind of feel like he's been manipulating her this whole time. That's just my two cents though so what do I know. Hugs to the anonymous I'm replying too 🙂 don't want you thinking I'm attacking your opinion 🙂

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    WOW! My heart was pounding as if I were the one on the phone listening to this guy. You certainly have a way of telling a story (may have a bit to do also with the fact that I've been many times on the receiving end of such…tantrums).Bravo Eden!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:48 am

      *takes bow* hahaha. Just kidding 🙂 Thanks for reading and thanks for your support!!

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Same one who just left the reaaaally long post, to add I am not a guy myself and not an abuser and not defending Piano Guy's reaction (anticipating trolls here… thought I'd get those 3 bits of info in right away!) Just saying that people who've trashed their life but then want and try hard to change and pull themselves out of their hole need encouragement when they stumble. Or an explanation at the least. (And sometimes it needs to wait till they can hear it and stop roaring in pain.) One thing to keep in mind is Piano Man didn't abuse Eden (till he went off entirely with wounded bellowing at the end) nor deceive her. She didn't open up about her past quickly, and neither did he. (And just WHEN is a good time for this stuff? Hi my name is John and I'm a recovering abuser. Hi John my name is Jane and my husband used to break my arm. Hello Jane and John I'm Ted and I am HIV positive. Hey Ted, I'm Pam and I'm a compulsive gambler! Wow guys, I'm Mary and all I do is drink excessively so I guess I'm better than any of you!) Seriously, we all do our best and we all take our time (and things come out when they do and not always when they should.) But up until the end, Piano Man seems to have tried his best, was polite and didn't push her into bed and respected her feelings and brought her flowers and apologized for his friends (and basically did everything they taught him in his counseling, right?) It just turns out he's the worst fit for her (but did he know that? Did she?) Both of them sort of failed the other, really, because of their various past circumstances. (Which is unfortunate but not really either of their faults.) But, he came clean with it (which ironically is what caused the problem, right?) Now did she? (I.e., she may have said it was her past, etc., but does he know specifically that her Ex was his mirror image? And would it help him maybe to know that? Maybe!) It is too late for them (and was the day they met, sure,) but before everybody boos and hisses Piano Man as the big villain here, was he really? He treated her with courtesy and respect right up until he confessed his deepest darkest secrets then felt devastatingly rejected afterwards. And didn't get (or could hear) the explanation to stop his feeling wretched. He bared his soul and his confidant averted their face and left him in shame. (Despite her absolutely justifiable reason why.) Burning with humiliation, he went berserk and roared and howled (which probably made him feel worse in the end, as he knew he was totally in the wrong doing that, which just finished him off I'm sure.) She did right to break it off, no question, clearly they would've been awful for each other. And he didn't behave well when spurned, obviously. But, it would be good for him to REALLY know WHY at least. That he wasn't pond slime, it was OTHER pond slime he got the shaft for.That's why I said if Eden could bring herself to contact him in a limited nonconfrontational manner and share her Ex info, plus assure Piano Man he'd behaved well to her (i.e., his work on himself was good and his counseling advice was sound and he acted fine) she should.That her rejection was because of fear and her past, not to his worth in the least, it would help them both to tell him that. (And hopefully prevent any Ex type incidents from him too… I mean, he DOES know where she lives. So even if only to placate him it would be worth doing.) But seriously, sounds like he tried, so she should try and give some reassurance his hard work and recovery wasn't in vain and he will do better in life because of his efforts (just not with her, but that's because her Ex was a scuzzball and she just can't deal with anybody else ever like that.) So let's have a moment of pity and compassion for poor poignant Piano Man, who tried and failed and needs to keep on trying. (We'd rather have recovered jerks in the world, even with a few slips, than current or getting worse by the day ones, right?)

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    I just left another (long! ack!) post below… but I can see your point about enabling, and manipulating too. Thing is though, until the very end he was not misbehaving in any way (and yes, people do and can manipulate each other, but maybe he was just sincerely trying to do better, nobody knows.) I just think that he needs to know her Ex was a bastard, I think that's important, especially after he was honest and told her his entire past and struggles, which took a lot of guts. (And she didn't share hers.) She admits she never told him what was going on with her, and I just think it would only be fair for him to know he's being rejected for somebody else's bad behavior and not his own. Especially since he has tried to overcome his flaws and work on himself (he slipped when he was hurt, and blew her off horribly, true, but it's human nature to throw in everything but the kitchen sink to scream at somebody when you are rejected, and he tossed everything at her he could think of because he was devastated. Think of the kid who says I hate you and I wish you weren't my mommy, right?) But now just how does he know “how hard Eden worked to get her self esteem back” when she never shared any of that with him? Or her Ex info. He doesn't know any of that like we do, right? So his perspective is, he shared his most darkest secret confidences and spilled his soul out and she rejected him for it, that's all he got from it. He's not us reading all her posts and having all her background and understanding why, she just said I'm damaged from my past and you are too scary. Anyway, I think I said more in my other post that explains what I meant, but I still think she should reach out in a limited safe fashion later and give him the truth. He does deserve it (again, you have to remember he lashed out without any awareness of her actual past or damage or work of her own in recovery.) Doesn't mean he didn't act like a big butthead, but keep in mind he told her his life story including his deepest secrets and then felt like she basically spit on it, and her reasons for doing so weren't very specific or forthcoming so he has no clue what she's been through and where she was coming from. (I think many people might behave badly when reacting to that sort of circumstance.) He would feel less like she eviscerated him and then hung his insides out to dry if he knew how horrible her Ex had been. That's all.

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    A person does not get to decide to call himself an abuser or not an abuser. You are an abuser if you abuse somebody or have abused somebody. Could you please make your comments shorter? They are inconsiderate. You sound like you could be a great blogger yourself though, you can link your blog in the comments and we can read all your thoughts there. 🙂

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    I'm not the original long commentor, but eden said that this is a space for us to discuss things, our feelings, and our points of view, so I think it's inconsiderate to tell someone else to stop talking. I enjoy reading everybody's different points of view

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:49 am

      I enjoy reading everyone’s points of views as well 🙂

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    I posted a reply, but for some reason it started a new thread but it was in response to this.

  • Mzfuzz
    August 8, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    I agree with Anonymous #2. The commentator above is expressing a polite, well-reasoned opinion about having a different perspective on the situation. Eden did not start this website to only allow people who are in 100% agreement with her or other commentators. If you don't like the length of the previous commentator's comments, don't read them. While they are lengthy, I agree with a number of the things that person says. This is supposed to be a safe place for people to talk about their own experiences and points of view, and in my opinion it violates the spirit of this website to say to someone, “keep it short or keep it silent.”

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    As someone still in the abusove sitatuion, it's all roses and rainbows until they get you trapped, then it slowly intensifies and gets worse. He SEEMS changed, happy, pleasant now and he will slowly go back to the way he was. All it takes is comfort or one simple issue, just as she saw when she called him out. Stay the fuck away, your children don't need that Eden. You got away, now stay away.

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    Some types of absuive people 'cuddle up'. As in, they're that super nice guy. They're overly nice, personable, loving, that awesome, wonderful, great guy that no one could ever imagine hurting a fly. And he makes his woman feel special. He finds ways to bond to her, makes her feel like a wonderful queen that he will give the world to. And that bonding happens quickly. She feels like she has never felt before with him. This person is different, he's so selfless, he is so loving, he wants to help her and give her the world. It's all about her. Not breaking those boundaries, not hurting her in any way. And when he's comfortable, or when an issue arises, you see the true nature of him. You see that abuse come out. These are the abusers that act wonderful and you think he's the perfect man. That is until you're married. Than his 'true self' can come out. These types are the king manipulator of manipulators. He is the best. You know what he'll do now? He'll wait and he'll make a huge grand gesture to apologize, citing his ongoing anger management, promise to change, and follow through with the promise with BIG results. At least for now. Whenever the woman again feels comfortable and let's down her wall, then he has accomplished his goal and he can stop all. Change and all progress and they'll be back to square one. These men also follow the classic cycle of abuse once they start it. Technically, his screaming was part of that cycle so now they'll be on the honeymoon period, where he does whatever he needs to so that she is pacified.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:38 am

      Yea, I can definitely see that now. There were a lot of overlapping similarities in him with the guy that came after my ex and I’m still just even realizing that now. Ugh. I hate trying to figure people out!

      I agree with everything you said. I mean I can’t say for sure if Piano Man would have been abusive, but I agree with everything you said about the maniuplative abusers who make you think you are the center of their world just to keep you around.

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    Oh wtf. If I do ever manage to get out of my abusive relationship I don't think I'll ever date again. You scared the dating right out of me.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:44 am

      Have killed one or more people!! Story please!!??

      Wow, you may have me beat in terms of meeting bad men! That’s quite the rap sheet lol!

      It’s weird watching myself “evolve” in this dating game. I’m proud that I at least felt something wasn’t right, but I wish I had listened to myself more. I mean up until that last phone conversation I still thought the problem was with me!

      Baby steps I guess!

      *hugs*

      P.S. I do get worried about someone finding out who I am, but not really my ex. He isn’t the blog reader type lol. Plus if he found out it was me, he would know that I’m not taking his crap anymore!

  • Anonymous
    August 8, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    Eden some of us knew Mr. Piano Man was bad news after a few times you posted about him. Some others thought you should trust him completely and tell him everything, I'm glad you didn't! It's good to not be prejudiced in general but even BETTER to listen to your huge amount of life experience when it tells you something isn't right. My abusive family used to always tell me to ignore my feelings and instincts and that I must have “misinterpreted something” or that “maybe he was having a bad day.” They did this not because they genuinely believed the best in others, but because they didn't want to deal with my negative experiences. I got screwed over a few times by ignoring my instincts and “giving the benefit of the doubt”, then screwed again if I asked my family for help and they told me I was all wrong and nothing I felt was right. It was horrible. Don't let your compassion for others or the feeling that you have to be nice & respectful stop you from doing what's best for you and protecting yourself. Only people who have been taken advantage of over and over again will understand this. I know it's great for other people for them to be let off the hook, trusted and given the benefit of the doubt, but it's in your favor to not if it could hurt you. Your relationship with Piano Man proved that! Please trust your survival instincts girl, and don't over-intellectualize dealing with the men you date. Men who are like them will urge you to forgive him and minimalize how he has affected you, excusing their own behavior. And I think it's great that Detective Dude reacted perfectly :)From a fellow girl who has been through her share of abusive men 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:52 am

      Thank you 🙂 I appreciate your insights 🙂 Yea, it’s definitely going to be a struggle for me to decipher if I’m feeling the fear or being vulnerable or the fear of actually being “in danger,” but I think this was a least a good baseline to learn from!

      Good thing I have a lot of great readers to point out the things that I’m missing!!

      *hugs*

  • Jennifer Holter
    August 8, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    Could you please explain how it is racist? I use that word alot and work with alot of foreigners. Why is it racist? What does it mean other than than “I got screwed out of something”?

  • Jon Snow
    August 8, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    Holy crap , Batman.PS:You got me at the “I'm pregnant.”

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:53 am

      YES!!!! I was hoping that I would get at least one person 😉 I was giggling when I wrote it lol

  • MFA Mama
    August 9, 2014 at 5:35 am

    YOU HAD INSTINCTS! WHOOOOO! That is HUGE! Too bad Piano Man turned out to have those issues, but good on you for saying all the right things and making the sane, healthy decision re: your relationship with him BEFORE he lost his shit.P.S. Yes, “gypped” (as in Gypsy, as in Romani) is technically a term fraught with -isms. I am part Romani myself though and it doesn't faze me, I think because I grew up with it just being a word that meant “cheated” and had to have it explained to me as an adult. If someone knew my heritage and knew the history of the word and THEN used it, I would take offense, but otherwise…meh. Of course, I'm pretty hard to offend.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:54 am

      Aw thanks hun!!

      I went and changed the word to “cheated.” The things I learn on here lol. I had no idea, thanks for sharing!

  • Anonymous
    August 9, 2014 at 6:40 am

    Actually it is spelled gypped and it comes from gypsies, who are the Romany people. (Kind of like when people used to say they would “jew somebody down”, which was a racist slur against Jewish people.)

  • Anonymous
    August 9, 2014 at 7:46 am

    I think that stating that one is not abused nor an abuser is pretty direct, specific, and probably accurate.In other words, *yes*, you certainly *can* say if you are *not* one, it's like saying 'I am not a redhead, I am not a republican, I am not a fan of action films, I am not an alien from planet pluto…'What an inaccurate and unsupportive remark that was… of course one can decide if they get to state that they are not abusive (and it certainly does not imply they are kidding themselves and really torture bugs in their spare time, either.)It's like calling oneself a smoker or not. I do not smoke, I am a nonsmoker. I have never abused anybody in my life, I am not an abuser. I am also not abused. Does my saying that mean I probably am? (Either one?) Please.Some of the posters on this website have been honest about being trolls or being abused or being abusive, and they came right now and said if they were. And others said they were not. Either way, most are pretty open here overall and info should be taken as presented (and without aspersions cast.)Let us not disparage one another or ones comments, this is supposed to be a safe place. (If somebody says 'I'm a guy and I don't rape women' do not respond with all men are potential rapists. If somebody says 'I'm not an abuser' do not tell them they can not explain or express that.)Especially here, saying one is neither abused or abuser is usually to inform the audience that the comments are not coming from personal experience, and this explanation would preface the remarks. While those who have themselves suffered (from either side) are generally up front about that as well.Hope my comments are not 'too long' here.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 4:18 am

      I read all the comments from this long thread and the long one above it and then posted my reply about Piano Man on the long one up thread, so scroll up there!! 🙂

      As per the length of comments, as long as they are respectful everyone is welcome to share their insights or stories in whatever length or format that they please. 🙂

      Differing opinions are always welcome here, I think it’s great that we are all able to see situations from different perspectives. Let’s just all remember to remain respectful towards each other and many of us are still trying to find ourselves and our own beliefs 🙂

      As for my own personal opinion on being able to label one’s self as abused or an abuser, from what I’ve seen working with the women that I have, both the abuser and the abused sometimes have a hard time seeing and understanding what has happened to them or what they have done. Just like women who have been raped and don’t know it was rape, or husbands that have raped and don’t believe it was rape. I *personally* think sometimes it takes outsiders to alert you to what happpened or what you did. But with that being said, sometimes people stick labels on people when they had absolutely no right to label them (lack of information, pre concieved ideas, etc) so even then it’s hard (and sometimes incorrect) for someone else to label another person. SOOOOOO……I have no clear answer on that lol!

  • Anonymous
    August 9, 2014 at 8:06 am

    There are SO many slang words (many very useful!) derived from politically incorrect roots… they may be offensive to some, but generally they have lost their original meaning over the years and now just serve as a colorful shorthand to express an agreed upon concept succinctly (and occasionally with wit.) 😉

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:55 am

      I wish microsoft office spellcheck could team up with the urban dictionary site lol. That would be incredibly helpful!!!

  • Anonymous
    August 9, 2014 at 8:18 am

    Detective Dude might just be the total opposite and perfect balance for you. He may not take any of the situations he deals with to heart (like you would,) but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be compassionate about your having been through them.He might even have a better understanding and perspective about them than many would (not freak out but take them in stride,) from having to cope with them at work. Also, sometimes fellow sufferers can be too close to have an objective outlook, he can certainly put things into a new light for you by letting you view them from the outside (as he does.)And you can always come up with some sort of pet name for him (besides DD) if you get to know him better, so you don't have to call him “that” name… ?!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:57 am

      So far he is working out marvelously 🙂 He didn’t freak out and at the same time was sensitive (but not overly emotional) about the whole thing. I like him 🙂

      I should run a naming contest on here for him lol!! I just pretend he doesn’t have a name. “Babe, Baby, Hun. Handsome, Dude…” the list goes on. 🙂

  • Anonymous
    August 9, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Oh, I totally agree, she should stay well away from him (and hopefully he will from her!) There was never any question of her keeping him in her life in any way, just that she should somehow let him know (maybe even just give his counselor permission to tell him about it) that her Ex and HIS abuse was why she can't handle PM, not because she doesn't respect PM's efforts to improve his life. It's just that most abusers don't ever even bother to try and get help or fix anything (they usually don't even think there's anything wrong with them, generally, it's always all you, right?) So the fact that he made the unusual effort to work on himself just made me feel that he at least ought to know that her Ex was a nightmare on wheels. (And that she didn't just find him, PM, repulsive because he'd been a mess before who tried to change his life and be different.) You may find it hard to believe while you're still currently trapped with a madman (and yes, there are a lot of sick bastards, and I'm truly sorry you're having to deal with one) but there really are some messed-up people in the world who DO realize how damaged they are and DO manage to change, at least somewhat, and sometimes completely. I watched a friend turn his life around from being an addict who even did time, to completely overcoming it and becoming a counselor to help others who struggle. (So it can happen, if somebody really wants to make the change.) Trouble is, very few abusers do. But, when you get the rare one who does, you should respect their effort to change and their trying to improve, even if you can't trust them or be around them. (And just to say that I am sorry that you are not able to get away from what's going on with you, hopefully someday they will move on or you will.)

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 4:06 am

      Ok, so that’s a lot to filter through lol. He actually did know that my ex was an addict. I’m fairly open with the fact that he left because he was a hardcore drug user and ran to another life. That part of my life is pretty well known to everyone around me. It’s the abuse that I hide. He had actually asked me a hundred million questions about my ex and his addiction, all of which I answered honestly.

      I can see now that it did put him in a bad situation. He liked me, he knew I wouldn’t date another addict, and he didn’t know how to tell me. I am understanding to the fact that I’m sure it hurt when I basically confirmed his fears that I wouldn’t want to date him because of that and that all the hard work he had put in Im sure felt “unnoticed” by him. With that being said though, I really don’t know what else I could have done. I wasn’t happy that he had knowingly kept something from me, something that he knew was a deal breaker for me. He had point blank asked me several times if I would ever date a recovering addict and I had point blank said no, I wasn’t in a position to do that. (which is why in the conversation that I posted about I didn’t need to explain to him why I was a recovering enabler; it was because he already knew that part of the story).

      I’m not happy that he strung me along and after seeing how he exploded like that I really don’t feel like he is all that recovered, it felt more like the weeks leading up to it were an act. I DO feel bad that I hurt him. I would like to send him a letter and tell him everything anonymous #1 said, but at the same time I don’t want to once again be in the position of taking care of someone who hurt me.

      Ugh I don’t know what to do. You all have valid points and now I’m just confused. I don’t want to hinder his recovery or hurt his self esteem but at the same time he should have known that I would not be ok with this and he said some pretty hurtful things to me. Part of growing up is learning that your actions hurt people and that they aren’t just going to come back later and tell you it’s ok.

      Help?

  • Jennifer Holter
    August 9, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    Interesting. I had no idea. Thankfully I have never offended anyone, at least not that I know of.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 3:46 am

      Crazy I had no idea! I’ll change it 🙂 Sorry if I offended anyone!

  • Anonymous
    August 10, 2014 at 12:22 am

    Oh my Dear…you so are welcome!Cheers to you, and wishing you a most Wonderful weekend!As always, much Love to you and your wonderful Family!xoxoxox

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 11, 2014 at 10:49 pm

      🙂

  • Anonymous
    August 10, 2014 at 1:03 am

    So when do we get to hear this “absolutely astounding” voice you have Eden?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 8:10 pm

      Lol! Maybe someday!

  • Anonymous
    August 10, 2014 at 1:04 am

    I.M OK, OMG, I started writing one half hour ago, then the children…gosh do they need things???(hence the first 2 letters, which I have no idea what I was about to write now…geez). OK, talking about not so good behavior around kids…you're so not he only one. I'm sure I had some smart comment to make, but for the life of me…I can't rememeber!!! Or spell right and I dion't really care to…I hope you don't minfd some really rogue lady who absolutely loves you, but is also having dsome weird drumken night too. And so sorry for my spelling…it's fuccking dark. If you delete this I so understrand! I so suck…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 8:10 am

      Hahahaha. Pass me a drink please.

  • Anonymous
    August 10, 2014 at 1:20 am

    I so would love to Love , but please remind to never respond drunk ever gain…how embarrassing??? This is a complte MOM fail right now…I can't even fucking spell right…and I'm such a grammar snob usually.

  • Anonymous
    August 10, 2014 at 1:26 am

    but at least the kids are asleep now…mommy score!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 8:55 pm

      I wish mine were asleep! I was just posting on the blog’s facebook page about how I was turning my son’s toddler bed back into a crib because I CAN’T FREAKING TAKE IT ANYMORE. Haha!

  • Anonymous
    August 10, 2014 at 2:02 am

    I co sleep, so I usually go to bed with them…but that makes it hard when I want to stay up and read wonderful blogs 😉 I've figured it out though, which is great…although it's not my ideal – but for weekend evenings, I'm ok with it :).

  • Anonymous
    August 10, 2014 at 2:07 am

    Oh yeah…I just wanted to mention about not being able to take it anymore…OMFG…you have no IDEA….oh Wait…you most likely do…Hang in there Eden….I am 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 9, 2014 at 11:04 pm

      Both my kids sleep like rockstars so this…this is new for me and I DO NOT LIKE IT. They usually crash out about 6:30pm and will sleep until I wake them, but these past few nights with the boy child in a toddler bed and not a crib…..AAAAHHHH. Last night he changed his clothes 12 times, helped himself to a four am snack, put an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet, took apart his sound machine, jumped on his sisters bed, attempted to pry the outlet covers off the electrical outlets, and pulled his blinds down. Needless to say I didn’t sleep a wink. We are on night three and I just put him back in the crib. I give up. Parenting fail. Totally admitting it.

  • Anonymous
    August 10, 2014 at 4:15 am

    Thanks Eden, I appreciate it.

  • Jennifer Holter
    August 10, 2014 at 4:23 am

    Try using his middle name. Of course you will have to tell him why. 🙂 But I bet he will play along.

  • afairytale84
    August 10, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Chiming in late here. Better late than never though, eh?YAY for instincts! That was one intense reaction Piano Man had and I'm thinking he's not as recovered as he'd like to be or as much as he probably thinks he is. Recovery (from anything, really) is a process and there are going to be ups and downs in everyone's path, but that seems like a really big down. The cursing and name calling and screaming all just seem like he needs to spend some more time with his therapist.I am so, so glad you 1) had instincts to trust, and 2) trusted the instincts you had. GO YOU!That's great about Detective Man's reaction. :)My mother dated a guy with the same name as my father for a number of years. As my parents were in a very abusive relationship (both sides were abusive in different ways) and their divorce was messy enough to make the front page news on major national papers if they had been famous, her dating a guy with my father's name was huge for her. While it didn't work out for them romantically, they are still friends and hang out every now and then.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 11, 2014 at 10:40 pm

      Hey you!! Yea, I don’t think he is as recovered as he thinks he is, but I guess there’s a learning curve!

      Thank you 🙂

      Too funny about your mom, go her!!!

  • dizzyd
    August 11, 2014 at 7:47 am

    When P.M. lost it, he blew it. There's no going back…It's unfortunate but that's how it is…From my perspective, it looks like she's (Eden) done with him… He's gonna have to fix himself…Hi Eden!

  • MeowMix
    August 11, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    I am always afraid anything I say online will be used against me someday in court since my ex always threatened to take custody away from me (actually I am the one who has full custody). So I always have that imaginary judge looking over my shoulder. Yeah… regarding dating murderers! I met a guy who was “rough around the edges” but very kind, soft-spoken, intellectual, well-read, articulate, sensitive, and understood me like no other. Then one night we were out with friends and he got drunk and as we were using a crosswalk he blurted out something about having killed two people. I knew he was only confessing this because he was drunk and would probably not elaborate once sober so I played it cool and got him to tell me how one of them happened before he clammed up and wouldn't talk about it anymore. I got 3-4 questions in before he said “Quit asking me about this! I don't want to talk about this!” Apparently it was when he was in the navy, where I know he did A LOT of drinking and maybe more and eventually got kicked out. He said he choked this guy [to death] because the guy kept talking and wouldn't shut up and was “being ignorant” but he wouldn't tell me exactly what the guy was saying. I never found out about the other one. After that night he wouldn't ever talk about it again. He never got caught with either of them. Other people I have told about this think he was lying but I don't. Because during sex he was into choking me (once to the point of fainting) and punching me in the face (so bad that my jaw hurt for a week and that side of my face was swollen) and even after I told him that choking me that way could kill me, he kept doing it. What was I thinking being with him/staying with him? You had to be there to understand. If you've been in a relationship like this where, aside from all they crazy bad horrible stuff, they are the best person ever so you compartmentalize and justify things and even dissociate and block them out. He's back in jail now for violating the restraining order his girlfriend previous to me had on him. I wish he would have to stay there forever, but he'll be out again soon.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 11, 2014 at 10:42 pm

      Oh my gosh that is INSANE!!! I would have been so scared that he knew I knew and might off me as well! That’s so crazy!!

      Glad you got out of that one ok, thanks so much for sharing the story!!!

      *hugs*

  • Anonymous
    August 11, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    Hi Eden. I'm fairly new here. I ventured over after reading your article from Scary Mommy and I've been catching up since. You sure have been through a lot. We all have our buckets of stuff we have to deal with but yours certainly seems more full than others. On this issue I personally, for what it is worth don't think you need to do anything. You were up front with this guy. Honest about not dating another addict. He is the one who kept something from you. All those times you were crying he thought you knew his secret and he still didn't say anything. Then when he finally was honest, and you calmly told him why you couldn't be together he was an asshole. And a pretty hurtful one. I think you are done with this one and there is nothing wrong with that. He should have known better. And maybe if he had been honest from the beginning you could have been friends. But that ship has certainly sailed. So, just wanted to share my two cents and say hello. You are quite an amazing woman and I look forward to reading more about you. -Jess

  • snork maiden
    August 11, 2014 at 11:02 pm

    Well, looks like I have instincts too. My alarm bells went off for you when he kept pushing for details about stuff which was clearly painful for you to talk about. It struck me that he needed information because not knowing meant not being in control of a situation; and who needs to be in control of every situation? Control freaks.Of course most control freaks aren't bad people, but it's something to be wary of. And all that treating you like a princess…, all the grand statements about how he'd never hurt you…, a bit too good to be true, like he's trying to convince you (and himself) that he's someone that he just can be at this moment in time. I think you should never see him again, even if he swamps you with apologies and promises and flowers. You were absolutely right to cut him loose. Even if he wasn't a potential abuser (though his phone rant suggests he could be) you don't need to be anyone's crutch in a relationship.Luckily I've not been abused in a relationship, not physically anyway, but my last big relationship was with a guy who constantly needed looking after. He was like a black hole, a constant drain on my energy with nothing in return; not even the satisfaction of helping someone as nothing I did or suggested ever seemed to help. That guy used to treat me like a princess as well, some of the time, which made it very hard to leave when he was being horrible. I am sorry Piano Man turned out to be the way he is, though glad for you that you got out when you did.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 11, 2014 at 10:53 pm

      Yay for your instincts as well!!

      I agree. I’ve had some time to think about it and I really don’t see any good in reaching out to him again. I don’t think I’m strong enough to push back right now and I think I would need to. I think he would make me feel bad for hurting him and I really do hurt when I know someone else is hurting. I am SO sorry that I hurt him, but unfortunately this is a time in my life where I need to kind of be selfish and take care of myself. Doesn’t sound great but it’s true!

      Thank you for your insights and support 🙂

      I always love hearing from you!!

      **hugs**

  • Anonymous
    August 12, 2014 at 1:56 am

    I think you should simply leave him be. Any explanation or justification will just open the door for him and, in the end, hurt you both more. The best thing in these situations is just to close off contact and stay away. Nothing you say will help him !!really!! Realize what he doesn't already know. He may fake a realization and offer more abusive and lying crap to you tho. He knows what he did. If he's recovering and continues his efforts, he'll use this as a lesson to better himself and try harder for the next relationship. If you open that door tho, he'll step in and forget everything he was to learn. And of he regresses, that's his own fault and you would not be able to help him stop, only be his emotional crutch, which you can not be. <3

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 11, 2014 at 10:44 pm

      I agree 🙂 I don’t know if I’m at the point yet of being able to handle any of the fallout that he might have from this. I’m sad that he got hurt, but I just can’t put myself in that position. 🙁

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 11, 2014 at 10:48 pm

      Welcome “fairly new” anonymous from Scary Mommy! I’m glad you made it over here and decided to stick around 🙂

      I also agree with what you said. He really should have been honest with me from the beginning. I feel like he knew that was not a situation that I would have wanted to be in and he hid it from me knowing that it would upset me. I realize that he was in an impossible situation and probably just thought that if I got to know him I would see past it, but that’s not a good way to start a relationship. There’s a difference between not sharing everything and knowingly not sharing something that you know is going to be a big issue with someone. It would be like me hiding my kids from a man who doesn’t want children, hoping that by the time he found out that he would be so in love with me it wouldn’t matter.

  • Anonymous
    August 12, 2014 at 6:21 am

    Have you thought about letting his therapist know what happened? (She could probably tell you if she thought you might be in any danger from him now… also, she would know what happened between you guys, so somebody else besides you would be aware there in your neck of the woods as to what happened with him, just in case.) Just saying that, suppose, god forbid, he went off and did something spiteful or awful, your Ex would most likely get blamed for it, right? But, if somebody else who knows him is aware that old Piano had a major meltdown, they would know, if anything happened, that it might be him. (And in fact they might be able to even steer him away from even having that sort of a reaction, IF he has a past history of that sort of response anyway, since it sounds like he's still in ongoing help and support, right? So he's getting counseled still, right?) Well, just something to think about…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 12, 2014 at 5:30 am

      From what I understand he isn’t seeing her anymore and I’m fairly certain that she wouldn’t be able to tell me ANYTHING, but it’s not a bad idea to shoot her an email 🙂

      Thanks for the idea and for looking out for my safety, I appreciate it!!

      **hugs**

  • Sara A.
    August 12, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    I'm sad that we were wrong about Piano Man, but happy that we were right about Dt Yucky Name. I'm also glad that you've developed good instincts.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 12, 2014 at 5:28 am

      Yea I was bummed that he turned out to be the way he was but oh well, moving on!! 🙂

  • Inadvertent Parent
    August 13, 2014 at 12:10 am

    All the other comments seem to have covered everything except one thing – WTF is up with these gobshites who think that because you have a child or children, you're somehow worth less and they're doing you a favour even considering having you in their lives? Mate, anyone who is even in the running to be considered for being in my son's life is one lucky, lucky bastard, and they better not forget it. Your children don't make you less, they make you MORE! Wanker. (Piano Man, not you),

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 12, 2014 at 7:24 am

      I was WAITING for someone to notice that!!!!

      (Bravo to you)

      Like yes, I get it, you are making sacrifices to my schedule and not being the center of my world and I will be truly grateful if I ever find anyone that is worthy and willing to fill the father role to my children, but my kids are not just a burden to be dealt with. Anyone who gets to have them in their lives is blessed to be loved by two tender little hearts. I wish that they would be able to see how blessed they are to have them in their life, not just look at everything they are sacrificing.

  • Unknown
    August 15, 2014 at 12:58 am

    Eden way to be smart and strong! Whew. My heart is literally racing and I'm anxious after reading your entry. Thank goodness you are safe, but keep alert.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 14, 2014 at 8:02 pm

      Thank you!! 🙂

  • Anonymous
    August 24, 2014 at 5:36 am

    OK, I know this was sooo long ago, but have been away, so checking in to see where we left off with the conversation about he kids…and the little trouble makers they can be. I should really email you, but I like my rogueness (if that's even a word – apparently not because spell check said so!). Not to mention, I was so completely embarrassed by my drunkenness. I thought you would have deleted the whole conversation(with full understanding – who the heck wants and drunken fool on their site?). I think we (I)were just due for a holiday, so there 🙂 And so we did! F***ing fire crackers and all. So…has boy child let you sleep lately? No parenting fail by your part – kids are teenie weenie DEVILS! I've never felt so much guilt in my life…but that's their problem 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      August 24, 2014 at 9:35 pm

      Haha! I liked drunk you, it was funny! 🙂

      Ugh, the BOY CHILD. So get this. I went from FINALLY getting him off his paci, to a toddler bed, back to a crib because we all depserately needed sleep. That didn’t work because he had tasted freedom. After three weeks of him not getting to bed before midnight, a failed sticker chart, a ridiculous amount of time outs, and the loss of nearly all his priviledges, he STILL wouldn’t stay in that damn bed. In a near desperate attempt for sleep I resurected the paci and now the kids sleeps peacefully in the toddler bed but the damn paci is back.

      #FAIL.

  • Anonymous
    November 27, 2014 at 9:18 am

    I read this because of your link back to it with the dishwasher story and I just have to say MORE power to you! You definitely had an instinct that you followed, that opened up the dialogue to what was really going on, even though it was in a way you hadn't expected, it was because of your uneasy feeling that it happened. Clearly this man was not doing as well as he proclaimed to be, especially seeing as he was drinking in your story, because any recovering drug addict should not be drinking and should know that alcohol is indeed very much a drug, a mind-altering substance that triggers the behaviors that encompass addiction. Thank God you are okay and safe and have good and clear boundaries today. I am SO glad you got so much out of a 12 step program. They really are a true miracle if you're willing to put in the work. Melissa

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