I Broke Up With Him


I broke up with The Detective Whose Name I Do Not Like.

It sucks, I’m bummed, but I’m OK with it.

Here’s the thing; He was great. No really, he was. I have absolutely no complaints about him whatsoever. Super sweet, thoughtful, good looking, responsible, etc, etc, etc, and yet I broke up with him anyways.

Ugh you guys, I know, I KNOW.

“Eden stop doing this to yourself!!”

Remember the uproar when my guy friend told me he wanted to be with me and I told him no?

I never regretted it.

I don’t think I will regret this either.

Although I miss The Detective Whose Name I Do Not Like.

I miss him a lot.

But not enough.

Not enough to make me reconsider.

That’s what got me. This open dating thing, it’s great. I love it, I really do. It’s been working out really well for me, but…I’m not sure if I want to love it forever.

Maybe, eventually, I want to be monogamous.

Maybe.

I really liked the detective, maybe even loved him, but he wasn’t just my man, he was another girl’sย man too, and that never bothered me.

It bothered me that it didn’t bothered me.

Do I want monogamy? I don’t know to be honest. Do I want polyamory? I’ve been enjoying it, but I don’t know if I want to want it forever. The beauty of life is that I don’t need to decide. I don’t need to box myself in, I’m free to feel how I feel.

I’ve been open dating for so long that a part of me wonders if I do it because I’ve only ever been cheated on. I’ve only ever given my all and gotten nothing in return. Open dating has allowed me to not have to give my all to someone and to not expect everything in return from them.

I needed that.

I don’t think, coming from where I was, that I would have learned so much about myself, my wants, my needs, if I were in a monogamous relationship and trying to mesh those together with someone else. Being in open yet serious relationships allowed me the freedom to find and define my own boundaries, while still growing my communication skills and learning to compromise. Yet now that I’ve done that, I kind of want to try monogamy again. Not so much because I even want to be monogamous, but because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I chose open dating as a defense mechanism.

To be honest, I *LOVE* open dating, but do I love it because I have no good monogamous relationships to compare it too?

I don’t know.

I don’t want to wonder anymore.

It’s a little scary thinking that I might fall for someone, depend on them, and then get hurt again, but my whole life is scary and since I keep pushing along through all of those fears, surely one more won’t kill me.

Because of that I broke up with everyone; the detective and the other two guys I was seeing on the side. I cleared the slate and I’m going to try something new. Obviously I’m not jumping into anything, but I will definitely be approaching things differently.

This should be interesting.

I just don’t want to wonder anymore. If I’m going to eventually pursue a long term polyamorous lifestyle, I want to know that it’s because it was the best choice for me, not because I was too scared of the alternative.

Where I’ll end up, I truly don’t know, but I owe it to myself to not let fear be the determining factor in my life’s course. If we as humans let fear control our lives, most of us would never evolve. Many of us wouldn’t change jobs, move geographically, give birth, or anything else that wasn’t completely comfortable.

I can’t imagine a world without risks.

How can we ever discover anything new if we aren’t willing to leave the place in which we are standing?

The greatest discoveries are made when you set contentedness aside in the pursuit of evolution.

I refuse to settle for where I am when my only real reason for doing so is that I am too scared to do anything else.

Fear, in all it’s constraints, will only smother and suffocate you, but the freedom that courage brings is infinite in it’s possibilities.


Photo Creditย 
Mountain

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12 Comments

  • Koro
    November 25, 2014 at 5:17 am

    *hugs* It will be scary, but I think it will be worth it. ๐Ÿ™‚ Just take your time.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 27, 2014 at 12:01 am

      Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ I needed those hugs ๐Ÿ™‚

  • CD
    November 25, 2014 at 9:48 am

    I have a sort of similar situation with my ex (which up until a few weeks ago I thought was behind me) and I can tell you, I get it – I just want to start fresh again, no baggage. Relationships are hard enough with two people, it just gets so complicated when there's other people involved (damn, I can't even imagine what it's like with kids.) And anytime you realize you're ready for something more, it's always a big transition.But I think you're in a position now where you'll know what you want when you see it. You've had a lot more experience dating-wise, you know what your boundaries are, you've got a pretty successful career going now… quite simply, you've grown up a lot. So I say go for it. Worst case scenario, maybe you'll have a few more disastrous date stories?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 27, 2014 at 12:02 am

      I think you are right, I think I will know it when I see it. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Yes on the date stories!! Geesh I can’t escape the strange ones can I? I’m glad you are all enjoying them so much, me….not so much. Well not until I get to share it with you guys anyways ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Katy Anders
    November 25, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    Oh, wow. Good luck with everything. Also, keep sharing how it's going, please! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 27, 2014 at 12:00 am

      Will do! Thanks for reading!

  • Mzfuzz
    November 25, 2014 at 2:49 pm

    Good onya for making this decision. It sounds like it's really important for you to answer the monogamy question once and for all, which I think is very insightful! Like you said, really, what's the worst thing that can happen? Nothing you haven't been through already. A breakup is never fun, but (generally), it's never killed anyone. Whatever happens, you'll come out on the other side with even more insight and wisdom into your own wants, needs, and motivations. Good luck!!!! *HUGS*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      November 27, 2014 at 12:01 am

      Yea, I think I need to do this. Thanks for your faith in me! You know I’ll email you when I start freaking out lol!

  • Evelyn
    November 27, 2014 at 12:39 am

    Aww bummer

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 27, 2014 at 12:00 am

      I’m excited for the future ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Marshana Green
    December 2, 2014 at 7:36 am

    Hi,im marshana. First time commenter,but ive been silently reading your site,and you are such a good writer. Your blog keeps me feeling like there might be hope for me too. But,I won't rush anything. Thanks. And please keep sharing! โ˜บโ˜บโ˜บ

    • NotMyShametoBear
      December 2, 2014 at 8:44 pm

      Hi!!! There is ALWAYS hope for you my dear ๐Ÿ™‚

      Thank you for letting me know that you are here!

      *hugs*

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