Having A PTSD Crisis Here…

So this morning I texted Mr. Attorney Man to let him know that my Order of Protection expires in a few weeks. Renewing it was something that I had been somewhat pondering but mostly just pushing out of my mind, and I wanted to at least touch base with him and see what it entailed before I really let myself get too worried about it.

His response was absolutely not what I was expecting.

Apparently the court date was set TWO years ago when the original order was entered, but I guess it never made it on my calendar and I actually thought it was still a month away.

Mr. Attorney Man followed up with me by phone later this afternoon on what the court date would entail and you guys, I have absolutely no idea what to do. Here is it, Monday night, and I pretty much need to let him know by like… tomorrow, if I want to go into court, go before the judge, and renew the order or not.

On one hand renewing it provides an extra layer of protection for the kids because both the school and daycare are hyper aware of their safety. They both have a safety procedure in place that includes a lot of things that I can’t really disclose to the whole wide world of Internet land, but I will say that for obvious reasons, I like all of those things.

Another benefit to extending the order is really is an entire blog post of it’s own, but to abbreviate it, if something should happen to me, as it currently stands my Ex is the legal default guardian of my children (despite the fact that I have another family willing to assume guardianship). I know, I know, please don’t send me a million emails telling me to change that, TRUST ME I’m trying, but it is MUCH harder than you would think. And because of that, in the event of my death, my children would be turned over to the custody of my ex, no question. Like I said, Mr. Attorney Man and I are working hard to get that changed, but in the meantime the fact that I have a current order against him is another safety measure for my children. If I were to die and my ex suddenly decided that he wanted custody of the kids, the order is a tool to fight against my ex assuming custody.

The order also gives the kids and I a small measure of security if he should suddenly decide that he wants visitation rights.

But beyond that the order is worth shit. The police don’t take it seriously and they don’t enforce it. Many of you actually came to this blog though my XOJane article on why I regret reporting my rape to the police; a rape that occurred because the police failed to intervene on my ex’s stalking.

Stalking that led to me needing an Order of Protection, an Order of Protection that caused me to get raped.

That OOP was one of the main factors in my rape.

This blog was initially started because of that Order of Protection and the rape that followed.

These two years that you have all been here with me, a lot of it has been two years of me trying to recover from what happened after I got that Order of Protection.

I’m not sure I can go through that again.

And to top it off, I don’t know if renewing the OOP is going to trigger my ex’s anger again.

I don’t know if I’m putting myself in danger.

Mr. Attorney Man doesn’t really have an opinion either way. Also, he will be pretty rushed the morning of court because he has another hearing across town just a short while after mine, which makes me feel even worse because I can’t count on being able to do anything that he would need me to do in order to not f*ck everything up for his schedule.

I can’t promise to show up. I can’t promise to not fall apart. I can’t promise to not run away.

I can’t promise to not do any of the things that I would never do to him or anyone else when I’m in my right mind, because I can’t promise to be in my right mind when I’m in court, and I hate that.

I hate that.

I’m feeling incredibly unsettled and out of control with this whole thing.

I have absolutely no idea what to do and I feel like I can’t even begin to process it.

I don’t want to process this.

I’ve spent two years dealing with the trauma of my past and I’ve done really well on my own. In my day-to-day life I surprisingly don’t have any mental health issues like anxiety or depression, but I’m well aware that I have court triggered PTSD and I knew that it was going to come calling when this OOP renewal came around. In fact, the only reason that I even remembered to text Mr. Attorney Man was because I had it on my calendar to make an appointment with my counselor this week, so that she could help me process through having to basically re-live the event that created one of the most traumatic situations of my life.

But there’s no time for that now because I need to decide, by like… tomorrow.

Which by the time many of you will read this, will be today.


I need to decide by today if I’m going to renew this or not.



If You Want A Little More Of The Backstory, Read These:

It Is Not My Shame To Bear: The Beginning

I Really Hope I Don’t Stand Mr. Attorney Man Up For Court

I Regret Reporting My Rape To The Police

Photo Credits

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  • Evelyn
    September 1, 2015 at 3:01 am

    I think you should renew it, and have some drinks after court if possible

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:46 pm

      Yes! Drinks!

  • Mary Kobach
    September 1, 2015 at 4:11 am

    If you don't renew it will the creepy ,crazy ex take that as a positive sign ?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:46 pm

      That was definitely one of my concerns…

  • nichole jenkins
    September 1, 2015 at 6:13 am

    I agree you should renew it. I think you need that tiny safety net. For your peace of mind and for the kids.Of course you are scared. This is a scary situation. Just remember you are rising above and you can do this. Trust in your higher power's work. Ill be praying for you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      Thank you 🙂

  • Steven Theiss
    September 1, 2015 at 6:35 am

    Renew it. And find one of your mommy friends that has some tranquilizers. Take one and see if it helps. Take more if you need to, as long as you retain the ability to function at some level. There is no shame in medicating yourself against panic attacks.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      Haha, in this day and age 3 out of 4 moms are on something!

  • Anonymous
    September 1, 2015 at 10:52 am

    Do NOT renew it. Unless he had been bothering you recently, there is no reason to reignite the fire. More than a piece of paper your kids need you, and you know what happened last time. Do NOT renew it, it's just going to piss him off.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      That’s what I was/am worried about…

  • Facebook
    September 1, 2015 at 12:20 pm

    Oh no. frown emoticon That's a tough one. I wish there was something I could do to help you through it. -Victoria Bell

  • Facebook
    September 1, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    Ok love. I'm going to PM you. Some of it, you know I'm going to say, but a lot of it, you don't. Hang in there.

  • Facebook
    September 1, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    Renew! If you die, you need that wall between him and your kids. But maybe you could bring a friend? There should be court doulas..

  • Facebook
    September 1, 2015 at 12:22 pm

    Pm'd you

  • Mzfuzz
    September 1, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    I say renew it. A small safety net is better than no safety net. But I know how hard it is for you to go to court and go through that.I would say not to worry about Mr. Attorney Man and his schedule. He's a grown-up…He knows what you go through. He'll make it work however it needs to. Thirdly…*HUGS*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      He was able to push his next appearance off a little bit so that helped 🙂

  • Anonymous
    September 1, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    I know I'm going against the grain here with most of the other comments, but I say don't renew it. It's a stupid piece of paper that is going to put you in more danger obtaining it. I understand wanting to keep your kids safe, but how safe are they if someone is stalking you? It's not worth the risk.Also, if Mr. Attorney Man is rushed that morning, it's going to push you over the edge. Anyone knows that when working with a victim you need to go at their pace and if you're getting rushed you could have an actual mental break, something I'm surprised you've avoided this far.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      All very good points

  • Ashley
    September 1, 2015 at 12:48 pm

    Don't renew it!! It's not worth the risk. Pursue another avenue for your kids safety but don't trade it for yours.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      It was a lot to consider…

      See my update!

  • Facebook
    September 1, 2015 at 2:52 pm


  • Facebook
    September 1, 2015 at 3:09 pm

    My only advide is to follow your heart. You know already deep down what is right for you and your family. I have faith in you. 🙂

  • KF
    September 1, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    You've worked very hard to keep fear from controlling you and your choices (although in this case it's extremely understandable). Maybe that should be your guide in deciding – but no shame in choosing not to renew as it has the potential for devastating consequences.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      Thank you, you’re right!

  • Facebook
    September 1, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    I'm probably not the first one to say get a gun and learn how to use it. I know that it is an extreme suggestion but you have been violated already and need a defense. It appears that if you don't defend yourself no one else can…I'm sure there are instructors in gun use and safety in your area. Full disclosure- I have never owned a firearm…

  • snork maiden
    September 1, 2015 at 9:26 pm

    If you renew it, will your ex know? He has a track record of not bothering with court appearances unless dragged there by wild horses. I would say renew, because it helps block the possibility of him one day trying to assume custody.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      He will know. As you’ve seen from my update I did end up getting it renewed and he should be getting served any day now…

  • snork maiden
    September 1, 2015 at 9:30 pm

    Owning a gun makes you more likely to get shot. And could one really access it an emergency? Because responsible gun owners keep them locked in a safe, especially if they live with young children. You should also never point a gun unless you are going to shoot to kill, I don't think Eden has that in her. Better just to have good locks on your doors.

  • Anonymous
    September 2, 2015 at 12:10 am

    Lol “good locks”? What's that old expression about locks only keeping honest people out…. I totally get where you're coming from but those locks are about as useful as a TRO or OOP or whatever you're calling it. I don't think its an unreasonable suggestion for anyone to protect their family to the best of their ability, which for the person who suggested a firearm makes sense. For others it doesn't. I completely agree though that its a good suggestion IF she was comfortable with it. Responsible men don't beat their wives, abandon their children, stalk their ex's. Many gun owners are completely responsible and have carry conceal permits. Protecting your family is important and you'll find what works for you….such a difficult decision. Do what will make it easier to sleep at night.

  • Koro
    September 2, 2015 at 2:55 am

    Renew it. Yeah, he might come back and hurt you again. But what if you didn't renew it, and he hurt your kids? I'm not saying you should be a martyr, and what he did was wrong and nobody should ever go through that. But this OOP isn't just for your safety, it's for your kids. And from what I've read, your children are one of the things you love the most.That's my advice. I know you will make the best decision for yourself, and I wish you all the calm and strength in the face of this challenge.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      Thanks love. I did end up renewing it, but I have to say the OOP has been pretty worthless for the last two years in terms of actual safety from him, so I’m hoping I made the right choice!


  • snork maiden
    September 2, 2015 at 8:52 am

    In the States, for every justifiable shooting in self defense, there are 37 deaths caused by accident/suicide/murder. Also bear in mind that roughly 170,000 guns are stolen in burglaries.If someone breaks into your house, are you really going to have time to get to your gun safe? If you don't keep it in a safe, then any children in the house are in permanent danger.

  • Facebook
    September 2, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    We're all here, we got ya. And my offer stands.

  • Facebook
    September 2, 2015 at 2:21 pm

    I would do it for my children. It seems to me that the benefits all pretty much work for them. I think it would be much worse if something happened to you and your ex got custody of your kids. I know that when I am feeling anxious and want to avoid something that thinking of them and that I'm doing it for them helps to calm me…I feel like I could go through anything for my kids…I've never been through your situation AT ALL though so my opinion is just my own….whatever you do will be right for you and your family…

  • Anonymous
    September 2, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    Wishing there was a “like” button for your post ��

    • NotMyShametoBear
      September 8, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      Aw thanks 🙂


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