I’m At Least Going To Try
If you remember, in June 2014 I decided to take my Ex back to court for unpaid child support. It was a decision that I had really struggled with because I was nervous to reignite his anger, but the kids and I were really struggling due to his refusal to acknowledge our existence or his court ordered child support payments.
Eventually I decided that it was in my best interest to take him to court on the issue. I would highly encourage you to go back and read the posts surrounding those dates so that you know what I’m talking about, but for now I’ll just put a very large cut and paste here from June of last year:
So I went to court back then and do you know what I did?
I absolutely did not want to do that. That was not my agenda when I started the process, that was not what I had planned, and that was not what I needed to do.
But I went into court, my PTSD brain started nodding and agreeing to things that I never would have nodded to and agreed to outside of court, and a few hours later I agreed to let my ex off on a 5 year payment plan.
I was furious with myself as is evidenced by a quote from another post a few days later, a quote that continues to haunt me:
And it haunts me because I was right. It wasn’t over, it was just the beginning. A year later here we are with a court order that still hasn’t been entered into the system correctly and surprise-surprise, my ex walked out of the courthouse that day and has treated the court order like nothing more than toilet paper stuck to the floor of a Walmart bathroom.
I agreed to his terms for child support and in turn he walked out of court and has ignored me since.
I gave him what he wanted and as usual he took so much more. A year you guys, I’ve wasted an entire year on this, on top of all the other years that he has stolen from my life.
I’m upset that I settled. I’m upset that I let him have his way. I’m upset that I wasted my money on a settlement that I never wanted.
I’m upset that a year later I still haven’t made peace with this.
A couple months ago I told Mr. Attorney Man that I wanted to take my ex back to court and then I mentally prepared myself to move forward with the process.
But a few weeks after that while having a meeting over breakfast, Mr. Attorney Man tried to talk me out of it.
Now please don’t jump on him because he is just doing his job and the points that he raised were not without merit, but this is my life.
I don’t want to live feeling like this anymore.
I went home to think about what he had said, and ended up sending Mr. Attorney Man a ridiculously long email that really could have been shortened down to my final sentence; “you talked me into this deal a year ago, it was with the understanding that if my ex didn’t abide we would take him back to court. Please have enough respect for me now to not try and talk me out of what you already talked me into.”
He was good with that and has been nothing but supportive since then.
When it really comes down to it, my reasoning for doing this cannot be measured in dollar signs or court room judgements.
Taking my ex back to court, things might not go my way. Because of the whacked out town I live in with it strange and confusing child support laws, there are ten different scenarios that I can think of in which things might not go my way on the child support front — but none of that matters to me.
What matters to me is standing up to my ex.
What matters to me is not even proving anything to him, because I don’t care about him, but proving to myself that I will not be pushed around anymore.
What matters to me is being able to tell my children “I tried.” It matters when they ask me why they can’t have what the other kids have, or even have enough of what they need, that I will at least be able to tell them “I’m trying.”
What matters to me is showing my daughter that you don’t let a man walk on you and be expected to accept it.
What matters to me is not allowing the only lesson that my son ever learns from his father to be that you can throw your responsibilities away without any consequences.
What matters to me is that I don’t want to forever be the woman who watched her husband walk away, but rather I’d like to become the woman that waved good-bye as she steps over him on her way out the door.
What matters to me is finding my voice after so many years of silence.
What matters to me is finally knowing that I’m not a victim of my silence anymore.
I don’t care if I win my court case, I care that I tried.
I’m at least going to try.
The only thing that my children will ever truly know their father for, is being walked out on by him.
I want them to know that I not only stayed, but I fought for them.
They deserve that much.
They deserve to know that I fought for the recognition of their existence.