I Went To Court Again, But This Time Was Different…
Yesterday I went to court with my ex.
Well, technically it was supposed to be “with” my ex, but as usual with him, he didn’t show up; which was great for me, because it made it easy for the judge to approve another two years on the order of protection that keeps him away from us.
What wasn’t usual about the scenario, was that I didn’t write about it. As you know, my blog, and this page, were born from my struggle to leave domestic violence, and my ex, behind me. For the last several years you have all watched as I detailed the court dates and hearings that surround the ending of a relationship with domestic violence.
But this time, I didn’t write a word… until now.
I thought about that as I was driving to the courthouse yesterday; thought about how few people knew I was going, and how odd it was to realize that unlike the past, this court date snuck up on me. Snuck up on me, because I hadn’t been thinking about it. I stood in the hallway with my attorney, looking at photos and police reports from a time in my life that feels so far away, and it felt like we were talking about a life that wasn’t even mine.
Being abused, is such a small part of my life now. I’m no longer a nervous, worried wreck walking into court. I don’t dwell on the court dates as they move closer on the calendar. I don’t really think of my ex at all to be honest, unless I’m wondering why he hasn’t paid child support, or I come across a funny meme.
But what shocks me the most, is that when I was in the midst of leaving DV, my only goal was to find the person that I used to be, and become strong enough to face my ex.
And I think… Maybe I was wrong. I don’t think you ever become who you used to be before you were abused; in fact, I know that I’ve become someone better. And although being strong enough to face my ex was a major accomplishment, my biggest accomplishment by far, has been forgetting about him.
He was a horrible human being who turned me into a much better one, and now that he’s gone, all that’s left, is more than anything I could ever have imagined.
After I said my good-byes to my attorney and went to go about my day, I looked up, and saw a tiny little rainbow peeking through the clouds; as if, after all the years that I cried out to God for help, the heavens were finally answering back.
“It wasn’t that I didn’t see the path that you were on. I saw every step you took, on the one that I laid out for you.”
And while I don’t want to be that person that throws out the words “don’t give up, keep fighting, it does get better,” I also think I’ve earned the right to say them.
There is a better life after abuse. Because whether your abuser led you to believe it, or not, we all deserve the rainbow.