Hey, I’m Finally Telling You About The Boy.

So I met another boy.

Actually I met several of them, but none stuck like this one.

**(When I broke up with The Detective Whose Name I Do Not Like there was a delay in me posting about it, much like there has been a delay in telling you about this dude, so this dude has been around longer than it appears.)**

Before I got to this boy in particular though, there was a New Yorker who took me to dinner and kept telling the wait staff to “bring er whateva she wants! She wants a steak, giver da biggest one! (I did not want a steak) Ya like that sweetie? Get whateva ya want!” Awkward…

The New Yorker lasted only a few dates until we had a highly strained debate about hunting. Yep, hunting. He is an avid hunter, I am not. You want to eat Bambi’s mom, fine, eat Bambi’s mom. You want to kill a bunch of animals that you aren’t even going to eat just so you can mount their heads in your living room, I don’t even want to hear about it. I thought I was being pretty cool by telling him that we could have separate hobbies but I just don’t want hunting to be one we share and he basically thought I was a moron.

He tried in ten different ways to convince me that animals don’t have feelings and I tried in ten different ways to tell him that we can agree to disagree. He wouldn’t drop the subject and after it finally got to the point one evening where I found myself gritting my teeth to keep from yelling at him that I know what it feels like to have my life at the mercy of another, that I know what real terror feels like, that I know what it feels like when the life is starting to drain from your body, and that sport hunting will never be one of my hobbies, I knew it was time to end things.

I did not yell at him that night but I did however block his number and never speak to him again.

Then there was the one time I went out with a sports newscaster who took me to dinner and a haunted house (it was October). Having dinner with a sports newscaster was exactly like you would expect it to be. Very formal, “very announcmentishy,” and it included a great deal of conversation about sports that was way over my head. The restaurant was extremely nice but we were unfortunately sitting so close to the guy playing the grand piano that not only was I pretty much sharing the piano bench with the pianist, but it was ridiculously loud. The proved not to be a problem though because Mr. Sports Newscaster had a voice that commanded the attention of not only me, but the entire restaurant as well.

Let me also take the opportunity to warn you that going to a haunted house on a first date probably is not the best idea unless you like awkwardly clinging to a guy you don’t even know.

And by clinging I mean screaming and climbing on top of him while in fear for my life.

Think baby koala….

The sports newscaster was nice but we had absolutely nothing in common. I thought that he felt the same way when he left me at the restaurant to “go get his wallet” but to my astonishment he did in fact come back, pay, and ask me out again. I politely declined, he really is a nice guy, but I’m sure he can find someone he clicks a little better with. (I paid for my own meal, I’m not that mean)

But then I met this dude. I saw him, thought he was cute, and I got his number.

So far that seems to be one of the better decisions I’ve made because I really am enjoying the company of this dude.

Since I suck at relationships and reading men in general, I’m just going to kind of lay it all out and then you guys can weigh in. Advice, thoughts, and concerns please!!

On our first date he took me to a fancy schmancy restaurant where we stayed and talked for so long I am pretty sure we were mere milliseconds from the waitress stabbing us both to death with a cocktail straw just so we would leave her table. The conversation was great, the laughter never ceased, and eventually we walked down the street to this awesome little bar that has couches you can snuggle up on. I liked him instantly, not only was there chemistry, but our personalities really clicked.

At the end of the night I knew I wanted to see him again but before I left he said “just one last question, how do you feel about public displays of affection?”


“Oh you know, I’m cool with it” I said, while trying to play off how cool I was, and with that he slipped one arm behind my back, bent me backwards like some scene out of a movie, and gave me one of the hottest kisses I’ve ever had in my life.

At least I think he was bending me backwards, in retrospect I may have just been living out a movie moment fantasy and was quite possibly appearing drunk and sloppy. For the record I was not drunk, but I can’t imagine what else that must have looked like if I was going all noodly and melty.

Oh well….I’m just going to pretend that second thought never occurred.

But after that night, I was hooked.

It’s amazing how much we have in common when we really have nothing in common. He comes from a great close knit family, has never been married, doesnt have any kids, and is basically nothing like me. Yet in so many ways he is exactly like me.

His humor is dead on with mine and I don’t think there has ever been a conversation where we haven’t laughed.

He had the stomach flu:
( My phone bit the dust so the rest of these texts are from a new phone, that’s why they look different. He is the yellow box)

Below he is teasing me because I had freaked out several days prior when I got a much needed haircut and they chopped several inches off (and he was the one that really needed the haircut), and now here I am nervous about something totally unrelated:

He doesn’t even blink at the craziness that is me, he just joins right in.
Check out our bowling names. He is the red one.

While he was bowling I seized the opportunity to take a few selfies with his phone so that he would be surprised when he got home.
Also, totally irrelevant, but tell me he doesn’t have clown sized feet.
At 33 years old, which makes him 2 years older than me, he stands almost an entire foot taller than me. He’s in pretty good shape and can literally bench press me with one arm (Verified). We are both pretty much the same type of “gym person,” whereas we both get a hardcore workout in several times a week, but you certainly won’t find either of us living there. It’s been really nice to be around someone who values healthy living and eating like I do.
I told him I needed a pic for this article!
I think the best part though has been that we just have a lot in common in the way our brains work. His job, while very different than mine, ties in a lot with not only what I do on this blog, but with the women I work with. 
After working for several years with a masters degree in math he went back to school to get his doctorate in philosophy. He is currently in his last year of the doctorate program and teaches ethics at a college not far from me. I had no idea what the heck someone does with a philosophy degree but apparently his work is essentially psychology in a larger context. While a psychologist figures out why someone acts the way they do, a philosopher studies humanity as a whole and comes up with theories as to why we as a culture/gender/society make the choices or have the behaviors that we do. So his career will be based on heading up research studies that look at why populations do what they do. On top of that he will be teaching ethics courses to medical students and attorneys.
He’s surprisingly interested in my viewpoints on society, women, and many of the subjects that I write about in this blog because his career is based on analyzing how groups of people think and how that affects the choices they make. Since he is currently writing his thesis, we both spend a good majority of our time writing and it’s been nice to share that common thread with him.
Overall we just have a great time together and furthermore, he just met the kids and seemed to have a great time with them. The kids don’t know we are dating, they think he’s just one of my guy friends, but I really do like the way they interact. I don’t normally even introduce anyone to my kids because the last thing I want to do is parade a bunch of men in front of my children but when he came to me with this, I made an exception; “Eden, what would you think of me spending a little time with your kids? I don’t want to scare you and sound crazy but I am looking for something long term and since long term would involve your kids, I feel like it’s important to see how we all function together.”

I really like that he grasps the concept that they are real people. Now I know that sounds stupid but I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve dated that while they understand that I have kids, they don’t really get it.

Wearing shirts (over our clothes) that he got us when he went to a football game.

The way he talks about them, it’s different than past people I’ve dated. In the past it’s always been “I’m dating you and I’ll tolerate them being around,” but with him he actually views them as people. I’ll never forget telling him this dumb story about a mix up with a bouncy ball and how the Girl Child was the only kid who didn’t get one and then later that night when him and I were out, we saw bouncy balls for sale. “Oh my gosh, look!” He exclaimed. “We have to get one for her, she will be so happy!” He really, truly thinks about them and that proves that he grasps the fact that he isn’t just dating me, but that he is dating a family.

He doesn’t know the specifics of where I write or of this blog, but he does know I write and I did tell him I was going to write about him (I wanted to get permission before I posted his text messages). Then this happened to the Girl Child…

He really is there for me when I need him and that is something I haven’t really had before. This doesn’t seem to be an “I want to get in your pants” thing, he really listens to what I say. In fact he once asked me to name something dumb that is important to me in a relationship and I told him a goodnight text and a good morning text. Ten weeks now and he hasn’t missed one yet.

And another night….

When I have a bad day he always cheers me up.

Here I was having a really bad day and telling him that I didn’t want my bad mood to bring him down, so I would just talk to him tomorrow.

And when I’m nervous about a meeting, he is my biggest cheerleader.

In fact I had a particularly bad day when he just happened to be out of town visiting his family for two weeks.

Since he was gone for Christmas, he went out of his way to have a box delivered to my house so that I would know he cared.

And as much as we enjoy spending time together, we also enjoy spending time apart which is super important to me because I am not the kind of girl that can be with my man All. The. Time.


I really like that he is supportive of me wanting to spend time away from him. I know that sounds crazy, but in every monogamous relationship I’ve had the dude hasn’t been supportive of me having a life outside of him.

Even though his party turned out to be a bit more of a dud than mine, he was still happy that I was having a good time:

So that’s kind of where we are. I feel like for the first time ever, this guy sees me. Not just me, but me. His compliments aren’t like the pats on the back that I’ve gotten from other guys, the “you’re so funny, you’re so cool,” it’s “I continue to be impressed at what a hard worker you are, I don’t know anyone who could get as much done in a day as you do. I am in awe of your strength, I can’t beleive that you are raising these kids completely on your own. You’re kids are really blessed to have a mom who works so hard to feed them right.” Everything he says is a reflection of something it appears that he has thought about, not just something he is throwing out there. Maybe I’m naive and he’s just playing me, but I feel like he really does think highly of me….which I’m not used to.

In fact after the whole get to know you phase I finally said to him one day. “So, you know I don’t have a family, you know my ex is gone, you about know the nonprofit I run, why don’t you just ask me whatever it is you are wondering because I don’t like having this elephant in the room.” 

His response? “I can’t really think of anything I want to ask you. From what I’ve gathered you’ve had a rough past but your past isn’t what I’m interested in, but more so the person it created. And from what I can see, you are an amazing person who is all the more amazing because of your unique set of circumstances. I’m always here if you want to talk and I’m sure I’ll have questions eventually, but for right now all I need to know is that you are going to be around for me to continue learning just how amazing you are.”

Is this guy for real??

I did end up telling him about some of my past. Not the nitty gritty, not about the rape, but about my parents and my ex, and you know what? It was easy. It was REALLY easy, just like everything else has been. When I told him about my family, I told him that I wasn’t ready to go into details about why, but that I didn’t talk to them anymore. He said “well I know you enough to know that you are a smart girl and if that’s what you felt was best then I’m sure you had a very good reason.”

So that’s pretty much where we are, which makes me feel like I should end this post with “and he is wonderful, amazing, and I’m the luckiest girl ever who is on her way to a happy monogamous life with this wonderful man!”

But wait, HALT, hold up.

This is me we are talking about here. Little, scared, me. Now first off I’ve had my heart broken and been lied to enough that even though this guy seems wonderful and amazing, I simply have not been won over yet. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because really, my luck is not this good. 

Secondly, I have kids. Yep, I do, and keeping with our seemingly honest and definitely open relationship, he has admitted to me that while he has a great time with my kids, it is overwhelming for him to think that he could one day become an insta-father, and I totally get that.

Lastly, and I know this isn’t what most of you want to hear, but I’m still not convinced that monogamy is for me.

I just don’t know if I want to be someones relationship everything. I honestly don’t know if I have enough of myself left to give to anyone in a substantial, monogamous kind of way. I enjoy every second I spend with this guy and I miss him when he is gone, but thinking about doing this long term scares the shit out of me. I just don’t know if I’m cut out to be one half of a relationship. I kind of liked being 1/3rd or whatever the current number was in all my polyamory glory. I think people tend to look at polyamory and think “she just wants more than one dude” but for me it really was/is “I am not in a position to give my all to you, so I would prefer it if you would get some of your needs filled by someone else and take a little bit of the pressure off of me. Oh yea and I don’t want to fully depend on just you either.”

My whole life has been about everyone but me and as selfish as this sounds I’m really enjoying being selfish with my life. I’m living a life that is about me and my kids and I’m happy that the choices and decisions I make do not need to be compromised with what anyone else wants.

Because of that, even though we have been seeing each other for what is now “months,” I have not yet taken the label as his “girlfriend,” even though his mother has invited the kids and I to go visit them out of town and he himself repeatedly tells me that he isn’t dating anyone but me and won’t date anyone else while he is seeing me.

Talk about pressure.

This whole foray into monogamy was to find out if I was choosing polyamory because I was scared of monogamy, and now I’m even more confused than ever. This dude seems perfect, which is of course making me want to run away and rethink this whole monogamy thing.

I just don’t want to lose myself again.

Also, would you believe that The Detective Whose Name I Do Not Like has called me multiple times in the last couple weeks because he really doesn’t want to be broken up? (I’ve told him that I am seeing someone and have told my current boy because I want to keep this as open and transparent as possible).

Too much pressure.

So on that note, please send advice.

Also, send name suggestions for this dude’s blog name!! Leave your idea’s in the comments section and if you like what someone else has suggested, second it! I will take the name with the most votes and crown him with his blog name.


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  • Anonymous
    January 13, 2015 at 7:50 am

    I think that when it comes down to it you already know what you want, the “simple” leap into monogamy is what stands in your way. I know that you are scared, and I think you should face this kind of situation just as you have with all of your others. Head on and logically open hearted. Sending lots of love and hope from Nebraska Go Get'em Girl!! 🙂 oh and side note I vote for LumberJack, cause of the beard, or maybe even Beardyman p.s love beards so i think he's a keeper 😉

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 13, 2015 at 1:50 am

      I wish I knew what I wanted 🙁 I kind of feel like everytime I think I know what I want, it turns out to not be what I want. Kind of like the whole “grass is greener on the other side” thing except it’s a hexagon. Haha!

      I love LumberJack haha! I call him Paul Bunyon because he came over in a plaid shirt one day!!

      • NotMyShametoBear
        January 13, 2015 at 7:13 am

        P.S. Thanks for the love and support!! I love it all!

  • Anonymous
    January 13, 2015 at 9:21 am

    Maybe “Philosophy Dude?” based on describing dudes based on their lines of work?He sounds like a really great guy!! Congratulations!! :)Here goes with all the advice and thoughts I have:With whether you should get back together with Detective Dude, was the only reason you broke up with him that you didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship? You're in one now but you just happened to find this guy that you really liked after breaking up so I don't suggest taking Detective dude back inexchange for your current dude. If he wants to casually date again and both still date other people, I don't know if that's possible since the man you're dating now will only be in a long-term monogamous relationship. Another thing is that you said this dude is the only man who has thought of your kids as real people. So Detective dude didn't, which might be reason enough to let him go. Kindness to your kids is really important! It's great that he is supportive of you wanting to spend time away from him. You have a busy life so that will have to happen a lot! Don't men have busy lives too? If he has a lot of work and great friends then maybe you won't have to be his “everything” in a relationship. If he has a great family then you won't have to mother him. Finally, I wanted to say that there are lots of guys out there who would see your kids as individuals and be loving and respectful and understanding that you need your own time. They are not uncommon in people who have had great families, for example. There's a whole world of guys like that out there. He isn't a unicorn :). Lots of people compliment you too. I noticed that you told this guy about your blog from the very beginning! You must really like him (C'mon, you never asked your other men for permission…..;)! I'm trying to think of what else I might mention….. Ok. Your dude seems like a sensitive man to me. I'm not reading that either way but I personally like 'em less sensitive to even me out. 😉 He talks a lot about feelings that was a little but odd (for me personally) but if it works for you then it works! Are you ok with these philosophy or psychology types? His work is probably very academic and not practical like yours. Again I'm not judging. I personally prefer guys not in academia or outside of those fields. Men are different though. Sorry this has been long-winded! I wanted to put everything I was thinking out there just in case!! (because of that time with Piano Man :(). Of course I reaaallly hope things continue to be wonderful with this man! I'm so happy you are happy now!

  • Anonymous
    January 13, 2015 at 2:16 pm

    I really hope the girl child is ok! Poor thing. It seems like you guys spend a lot of time in the hospital. 🙁

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 13, 2015 at 7:23 am

      Dectective Dude and I broke up because I wanted to try monogomy and it bothered me that it didn’t bother me that he was seeing other people. The catch is that I’m not sure it would bother me if Philosophy Dude saw other people either….Maybe it’s not in me? 🙁 Detective Dude had actually never met my kids!! Either way, I don’t think I want to go back. I’ve moved on and while I’m hesitant, so far I like where this is going.

      Gah, we will see. He doesn’t know about this blog, just that I write one. That’s why I can write about him and get all this great advice lol!

      Thank you for reminding me that even if this doesnt work, that he isn’t the only guy that will treat my kids and I well. I need that reminder 🙂

      The Girl Child is ok, I can’t believe I didn’t include that!! No fracture, no bleeding, just a HUGE bump!! It actually really scared me 🙁 We have not had a good run with the injuries lately. Geesh!!

  • CD
    January 13, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    It sounds like you found a guy who's really intellectual (not just “smart”) which seems different than most of the other guys you've dated. I remember with The Detective you were never really comfortable knowing he was kind of on the “other side” of what you do, but you and The Philosopher (doesn't that sound legit? I think so) seem to be more on the same page.Basically, I'd say stick with this. Maybe the more time he spends with your kids, they will win him over. I'm looking forward to hearing more about this!By the way, you mean he's getting a Ph.D IN Philosophy, right? Just cause a Ph.D by itself is a “doctor of philosophy”, no matter what you get it in… so I got confused there.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 13, 2015 at 7:11 am

      I have no idea how any of that schooling works, just that he is in the philosophy doctorate program. 🙂

      You are right, he is def the most intellectual people I’ve met. I just love the way his brain works 🙂

  • Koro
    January 14, 2015 at 12:06 am

    My advice: Go for it! He seems great, and I know that when you find something great, there is always going to be a part of you waiting for the other shoe to drop. You can't live in fear of that part of yourself.I'm dipping my toes back into the dating pool, so wish me luck!P.S. I hope the girl child is okay!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 13, 2015 at 7:09 am

      How is dipping your toes in going? Come on people, let me know that it’s not super easy for everyone haha!

      She is fine, I can’t believe I didn’t put that in there! A big NASTY bump but no fracture and no brain bleed 🙂

  • Mzfuzz
    January 14, 2015 at 1:10 am

    I love how much you're sharing about this “boy,” Eden. I think that in and of itself is a clue to how he's affected you. I don't really have advice other than if you live life waiting for the other shoe to drop, you'll miss a lot. The reality is that at some point, he's going to hurt you, and you're going to hurt him. That's human nature. Do you want to miss out on all the good stuff because you're waiting for it to happen? Doesn't seem like a very nice way to live, personally.*hugs*Oh, and I think you should call him James Bond since he's tall, dark, and handsome.

  • MFA Mama
    January 14, 2015 at 5:37 am

    DAMMIT I HAVE HAD MY COMMENT EATEN TWICE NOW!I like “Philosopher Dude” as a blog-name.As to the relationship thing, only you know what feels “right” to you. I think in your shoes I'd ask myself how I'd feel if I broke up with the guy, whether I'd regret it. And yes, if you do decide to go for it remember that even the best relationships have their rough patches and squabbles and times of questioning the wisdom of it all, so don't cut and run the first time that happens (unless he has a psychotic break like Piano Man or something).

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 14, 2015 at 6:26 am

      Hi girly! I was wondering where you went. 🙂 Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately there have been a few updates since then (see today’s post), but I am definitely banking this for next time!

  • Anonymous
    January 14, 2015 at 7:04 am

    I agree with Mzfuzz waiting for the other shoe to drop is a specialty of mine, and i live every day trying to push past it and go from my dreams.

  • Anonymous
    January 14, 2015 at 7:08 am

    P.S. I am slowly getting there and it will never be easy but I believe in both of us. When I look at how far you have already come with your life via these posts I know….I KNOW you will be happy healthy and successful whether its with this man or not. You are too honest with yourself to get into a bad situation again, or to talk you self into letting him go just because you are scared of what might happen

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 14, 2015 at 6:27 am

      See today’s post for an update, but I really do appreciate the advice! I also appreciate knowing you guys always have my back 😉

  • Anonymous
    January 14, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    Had a long answer but deleted it by accident. So the short version:The important question is not: Would it bother you if he saw other people?But: Does it bother you that you can not see other people?If it doesn't bother you if he sees others and it doesn't bother you that you can't see others then monogamy should work great 😉

  • Anonymous
    January 14, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    Wow, I had so much to say to you here that it keeps saying my HTML is too many characters… (so have got to split it up and say it as “part #1 and #2” here….)O.k., here goes –Part #1:O.k., I think you should keep the “naming:” simple… either “Paul” (for Bunyan) or “Phil” (for Philosophy.) Just don't combine them (think “Pill” could be misleading… ha ha!) ;-)Seriously, as far as monogamy goes, I think you have a slightly distorted what that truly means. Frankly, I don't know any couple (not in my personal acquaintance anyway) where they are really each other's “everything”, do you? Seriously, I don't think that's even true in fiction much less reality (well, unless it's a limited and controlling relationship… maybe that's where your perception came from?)Married or not, partner does not equal world. You each have separate selves, interests, friends, etc. You may share important portions of your lives but that doesn't mean you are expected to carry the weight of being “everything”. Look at your own life; you have two little people and you are in some ways THEIR everything (which is sort of what “mom” means, until they reach a certain age) but even now it is not totally, as they also have each other (a different but important relationship) and their friends, and their own personalities and thoughts and interests, which differ from yours.Monogamy basically just means you decide to be romantically exclusive, it does not mean you give up your family, friends, interests, life, and independent thinking/actions. (Well, again, unless it is a controlling abusive relationship, in which case the abuser cuts all those off as soon as possible. Do NOT confuse abuse with monogamy!!!)Monogamy just means you save your intimate moments (physical interaction, body, trust, PDAs,) for one person. While maintaining a life and friends and regular routines, you are nevertheless exclusive in your romantic dealings and enjoy being so (are excited to see them, pleased to spend time, happy to be with them, etc.) You confide in them, joke with them, have private interactions (pet names, key phrases, in jokes, etc.), you share your bodies and personal space, you accept them as they are and they you, and enjoy sharing time and having the fun, intimacy, and joy of being a “couple.” It is a precious and amazing club of two. (!)It is not however like having surgery and grafting them to you, leeching your life out or making it impossible to take a step alone. And, it is certainly always reversible if the tie become chafing or binding. But, if it is the “right” person (and there can certainly be more than one out there, but a genuinely good fit with someone is still a rare and uncommon thing which should be appreciated and savored) then it doesn't seem confining but more like expanding. It frees you to be your best self, while allows you support for your worst moments, it is really just like your good and cherished friendships already are, but with the extra gift of intimacy, like the frosting on the cake. O.k., on to Part #2… 🙂

  • Anonymous
    January 14, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    I'm back… here's Part #2:O.k., monogamy can be great (per my Part #1 comments above) and enrich your life immeasurably when you have a person who fits with you and so things just flow.But, the scary thing about monogamy is you don't get to be shallow like you can juggling guys. You can't just flit on the surface and only show selected bits. So if what you want is to be superficial with any men in your life and not (have to) share your real whole self, then you probably won't be able to handle monogamy.But if you want a relationship that is genuine and based on who you are vs what you choose to show, then you'll find monogamy a relief. Finally, you can be yourself and not have to keep track of what “self” it's supposed to be (what you have and haven't told, which parts of you they're aware of, etc.) You don't have to act, you can just BE.So try it, try just BEING with somebody. One somebody. A good fit somebody. A somebody you lose track of time with, can't wait to share things with, enjoy being with, are proud of, are comfortable around, and you know you can behave in whatever way you wish, without “setting them off”. (As in, normal person? Regular guy? Non-pathological?) That is truly how it is supposed to be in a romantic relationship, you just haven't been exposed to a good one before.!!!So give it a try, you might find the best part of monogamy is not having to work at things. Seriously, I always hear that stupid (and IMO inaccurate) comment how “relationships are work…” Really, do you find your children “work”? Do you find your friends “work”? (Well, yeah, hard work is involved, certainly, just like it is in all of life, basically, but that is not the characterizing word to describe the situation really, is it?)So I think “work” is the wrong word, I think effort, support, accommodation, compromise, maybe those are better words, right? Thing is, the return for that energy spent is so good (isn't it?) that nobody should consider any sincere loving relationship to be work. (And if it is, then it is time to reconsider it.)Give yourself the chance to be part of a twosome, see if it doesn't taste sweet (when you're with a grown up, instead of damaged goods!) At least give it a test drive… it doesn't have to be forever, just take it one day at a time and see how it goes. But, like the shoe ads say, Just Do It! 😉

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 14, 2015 at 6:30 am

      Thank you so much for taking the time to give me such detailed advice. I loved a lot of what you had to say and it gave me a few things to think about.

      Thank you so much for sharing your time and wisdom with me, it really means a lot!!


  • Anonymous
    January 14, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    I upvote this comment! Brilliant & great advice!!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 14, 2015 at 1:31 am


  • Sara A.
    January 15, 2015 at 2:52 am

    As long as you've done your due diligence checking up on this guy and didn't find anything to alarm you, it sounds great. Go for it. He seems into you and your kids, and he seems as analytical as you are. As previous posters have said, monogamy doesn't mean giving up everything you've created for yourself and your family. Monogamy is also not synonymous with marriage.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:20 am

      Too bad I couldn’t have predicted the future lol! Read the blog post after this one. Boo hoo. 🙁

  • Chebet
    January 15, 2015 at 4:08 pm

    I read today's post and I am ever so sorry to hear it. But I wanted to say something about the polyamory “problem” and I am sure it still applies…I am polyamorous. Sounds like “I am gay” and quite frankly, I do think there are similarities. I feel that where in most people's heads there is one place for a partner and one alone, I have got two. I have struggled with this and given myself a heckload of shit for it on top of everybody else's criticism. And I am so freaking sick of it.I have tried this several times and I firmly believe that this is just the way my head is wired. I never forcefully fill the second place just to have it filled, but I am very happy with both seats taken. I myself do not feel conflicted to see two people, care for two and loving two. Unless I bash myself, but I have increasingly found that I do so, because it appears to be socially expected of me. And I don't see why. I don't cheat, my partners always know (of) one another. I don't lie about where I am going. And I do not just leave one of them in misery because I feel like it. It's not like I can't decide, I fully decide to love both.I cannot say that this is without rough patches. I do have a long term partner and he is so not poly. At all. We have been out for years and he will agree that it has not always been easy. But while he doesn't feel the need for anyone else, he accepts me for who I am. And I can commit to him being “the number one”, but probably not the “one and only”. I have seriously tried being with him only, and I am just not cut out for it. But he still wants this.It admittedly is a life style that is harder to balance and can be a lot of work. But as I said, it's the way my brain and heart function. Stopping to hate myself for it was a very important step. I have been so much happier ever since.Trouble is not every potential partner understands. But I believe this to be crucial, because I never want to lie. Either one takes all of me, with all quirks and problems or they can leave it.So in my eyes you don't have to decide. What you have to do i find a partner who rolls with it. But that applies to all other “quirks” as well, doesn't it. You also need a partner to roll with your kids. You need one to roll with your hectic life. You need one to roll with that fact that there is no family, just a potentially dangerous ex and a lot of crazy in-laws. So stop beating yourself up about it. The right one will understand.And who knows? Maybe at some point you (and I!) “settle down” and go monogamous. Maybe that'll be a phase. Maybe it'll last. But before you are comfortable with it, don't let yourself be pushed and more importantly: Don't push yourself.Hugs!!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:24 am

      I have to say I honestly never knew that so many people were poly until people started “coming out” to me on the blog. I do often wonder if maybe it’s just the way I’m wired now, but as I also said I want to make sure it’s not a lifestyle choice I chose out of fear for committing to one person and being hurt. You are right though, I don’t have to chose, I’ll just take it as it comes and see how it goes 🙂

      Thanks for writing! I liked hearing your perspective 🙂

  • MeowMix
    January 15, 2015 at 6:05 pm

    I think you've found a wonderful guy, you seem to have great communication, and he seems to have great relationship skills and be very intelligent, balanced and healthy. You guys seem to have successfully and honestly addressed and discussed some challenging topics too like his fear of being insta-dad, which bodes well. I completely relate to your feeling like the other shoe is gonna drop and not being completely sold on monogamy with this guy. I'm right there with you. You have been hurt and deceived a lot and probably find it impossible to completely (or more fully) trust one single person and give them your whole heart. It is scary. I am in the same position with a wonderful man and how I have dealt with it is to be completely honest and he helps me feel better about it every time. He reacts by listening, being patient, being understanding, and being reassuring without pressuring me or feeding me unrealistic flowery bullshit. Basically it comes down to a decision… investing your heart and soul in one person is a risk. What is the risk? Getting your heart broken and potentially hurting your kids if they get attached. All that wasted time and investment. What is the potential reward? Lots of joy and fulfillment. Bliss, learning, growing, becoming a better person, more strongly bonding with someone in an intimate way. You just have to ask yourself, is the risk worth it? Am I willing to take this risk? What am I willing to risk for this? It's a hard question when there are kids involved. Just keep your eyes open and watch for potential challenges with this guy and be honest with him about them and see how he reacts, if he is able to constructively solve them with you. It sounds like he really loves and appreciates you like you deserve. You deserve a good man. Your children deserve a good man. You all deserve love and happiness. I have complete confidence in you that you will use your intelligence, thoughtfulness, responsibility, intuition, resourcefulness, wisdom and self-regard to navigate this in the way that is right for you. I am happy for you. There are good men out there, and you are an amazing woman, and you deserve one! (Same goes for me too :))

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:29 am

      Did you read the blog post after this one? 🙁 Things didn’t work out. 🙁 I don’t regret it though, I learned a lot and I’ve loved seeing all the advice you guys have given me. I’m banking it all for the next guy!!

      Thank you for your insights 🙂


  • Koro
    January 15, 2015 at 11:22 pm

    Fucking terrifying! But I feel good doing it. I was talking to one guy, and once he saw a picture of me he blocked me. Very rude. I'm talking to another guy, and so far so good. We'll see what happens.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:19 am

      Geesh what a horrible human being! You are lucky he blocked you, you deserve better!

  • MeowMix
    January 17, 2015 at 1:05 am

    As a formerly polyamorous person I have to weigh in here and let you know that never in my life have I wanted monogamy until the guy I'm sayin now and for the first time ever it BOTHERS me to think of him with anyone else. It makes me sick to my stomach. I could never understand when other guys would say they felt that way about thinking about me with other people. I was always like “what's the problem? There's enough love to go around for everyone. What you have with them doesn't diminish me, it's got nothing to do with me.” Now? NUH-UH!! I can't tell you what changed, either I changed or this guy changed me. I think it's the second. I think he makes me feel so safe that I am for the first time in my life opening my whole heart up to him and binding with him and not keeping the walls up and actually jumping in heart and soul and putting all my eggs in this one basket instead of spreading them around and encouraging him to because there's less risk and expectation that way.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:19 am

      I hope that’s the way it works for me as well. That’s what I wanted to find out when I was with The Detective Whose Name I Do Not Like. Did I not care that he was with other women because I don’t care, or because he isn’t the right guy?

  • Tanya Albert
    June 23, 2015 at 10:43 pm

    Am Tanya Albert,my fiance and I kept on getting into fights all of the time. We were close to breaking up a few times. I knew that we needed something to stay together because he was pulling away from me day by day. Dr Ekpiku really helped us stay together and become a closer couple. He did a love binding spell that worked perfectly! He started making more of an effort to talk to me about how he was feeling which helped us work through our problems so much better. My fiance tends to shut down whenever there is conflict and this spell helped him communicate with me. I can also tell that he is more attracted to me because he keeps sending me flowers at work and is always trying to touch me in some way. It's actually really nice and I am very grateful to Dr Ekpiku and his temple at Ekpikuspelltemple@live.com for all that he have done for me.

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