This Is Not A Post I Wanted To Write

Well this isn’t a post that I wanted to write so forgive my grammar, I’m writing during an ugly cry.

As I was writing the last post, the one about the philosophy guy, it really got me thinking that wow, he looks amazing, so why am I struggling so much in wanting to fully commit to him?

I can’t believe how much has changed since I posted that blog on Monday night.

Everything with him and I has always been so easy. Even the few differences of opinion we had were settled openly, easily, and with an effort to compromise; so much so that he even commented on how nicely we”dispute” feelings. Yet still we hadn’t really ever sat down and talked about the elephant in the room and as I was writing about it in the blog post, I realized how heavy it was weighing on my mind. As he went about his days discussing “our future,” I was content to live in the moment and was actively striving to not look past a several week time frame.

But why!? This is what I wanted, this is exactly the kind of committed relationship I wanted, right?

Because we had yet to revisit the the topic of my children after he told me that the prospect of parenting my kids scared him.

So last night, I asked him.

We had one of those conversations that you know is going to be serious because it starts out with a sigh and is immediately followed by “we need to talk.”

We did need to talk, because I needed some answers.

“How are you feeling about my kids?” I asked him.

Then the sigh came from him and my heart fell to the floor.

I wish I didn’t remember this conversation so clearly but it’s been burned into my brain and is replaying over and over on some horrible track record that I can’t seem to get out of my head.

“Eden, you asked me to be honest with you and so I am. I wish I had a better answer for you, but the truth is, I don’t know. Everyday I feel more conflicted. Everyday that I spend with you, every time we talk, I find myself feeling more and more reassured that you are exactly who I want to be with, that you are the person I was always looking for. I think about you all the time and I find myself planning our future and that scares me because the life I’m planning with you, it’s a life that I’m having a hard time reconciling with reality; the reality that you have kids. Everyday I spend with you I’m struggling more and more with the fact that I don’t know if I can handle kids.”

I didn’t know what to say. “So….you don’t like my kids?”

“No, no, no, no, and that’s the problem” He said. “I am loving your kids. I wish I didn’t. I wish they were bratty and rude and that I just didn’t like them. If they were terrible I could justify to myself that I don’t want to raise kids that aren’t mine because they are awful and then I wouldn’t feel so shitty about myself, but the truth is I really enjoy your kids. I love seeing them, I love spending time with them, and I love watching you mother them. A big part of what I love about you is how great you are with them. I love that you manage your life so well, that you don’t complain about it, and that speaks volumes. I see how hard you work and even when you are exhausted, you still never complain and you manage to get through it with a smile. It’s a selflessness that I’ve never seen before and it’s what makes you stand out from so many other women. I see how much work your kids are and it scares me because I don’t know if I want to be the other half of that work. I don’t know if I have it in me to be the other half of everything you do or even if I want to take on the task of raising kids. I don’t know if I’m that selfless and not only does it make me feel like a jerk but it kills me because I know that choosing you forever means accepting the work.”

I literally felt like I was going to throw up. “You know I’m not looking for someone to take on half of my responsibilities, right? That I’m not dating you because I’m hoping to find someone to lessen my workload?” was the only thing I could think of to say.

Oh gosh, I know that'” he said. “You’ve never asked me to do anything for them, if anything I can tell that you are protective and prideful of taking care of them yourself, but the thing is, if I were to one day marry you, I wouldn’t want the woman I love to be working so hard by herself. I would be a douche to not assume some of the tasks and when I see how hard you work, I don’t know if I’m cut out for that. I know you said that you don’t expect me to be their father, but they have no father. That’s a lot of pressure. I would be the closest thing they have to a dad and I don’t know if I can, or want to, be their dad. To be honest, I’m not even sure I want the kind of lifestyle that comes with kids.”

I just sat there. I have the utmost respect for his honesty and I 100% understand what he is saying. He has not only a right to feel that way, but he has a good reason for it as well.

What do I even do??

“Well,” I said. “I can respect that but unfortunately we are obviously a package deal…(he interrupted me here to assure me that he has been falling for all three of us, that it’s not that he doesn’t want the kids, but that he doesn’t know if he could be anything more than the fun uncle), but I’m not sure where to go from here. I think we need a little space. This isn’t as if you don’t like a habit of mine, or one of my friends, or my housing location, these are my kids and there is nothing I can do about how much work they are or the fact that they exist.”

We both sat there in utter silence until I finally started speaking again. “Maybe if we take a little space and let you clear your head that might be good. Maybe if we see other people you will be able to figure out how much work you are willing to put into me and my family. I don’t usually introduce my kids to the guys I date until much later than I did with you because I understand how overwhelming it can be to try and get to know 3 people at once, but it was something you said you needed and so made an allowance. I can’t imagine how scary it would be trying to get to know me and at the same time getting used to our pace of life. I think some time apart would be good for us, allow you to gain some perspective without being bombarded by my daily reality.”

“That is absolutely not what I want” he said quite firmly. “The only way I’m going to know if I can get used to it is if I keep pushing forward. I told you from the beginning that I don’t want an open relationship. I don’t want either of us to see other people and I want to continue to see your kids. I just need you to be patient with me while I figure out if I can or want to do this.”

I sat there for a minute, several actually, and I thought about my life. I thought about how my heart was breaking and I came to a very clear conclusion. This, this exact moment was what I feared from monogamy. I feared fully committing myself to someone who wasn’t sure they wanted to be what I might someday need from them.

Eventually, through choking back tears the only thing I was able to pull together was this; “I hear what you are saying and I can see that you are struggling, but I can’t do this. I’ve been hurt so much and have been let down so many times that I can’t fully invest myself into someone that is already having major doubts about my lifestyle. I can’t sit around and wait for someone that I’m falling for to let me know if my life is going to be a problem for them. It’s normal for you to doubt my lifestyle. Kids or no kids, everyone needs time to decide if the life of the person they are dating is a life that is compatible with what they are looking for. I expect you to do that, but that’s usually something that is done in the beginning of a relationship while you are casually dating, not once you are fully committed and functioning as an invested couple. I’m fine giving you the time and space you need, without pressure from me, but what I can’t do is to fully commit to helping you figure out what you want and at this point I can’t allow my children to be test subjects.”

You guys, what was I supposed to do? Continue to allow him to settle into my life, into the lives of my children, knowing all the while that we were on some kind of extended interview to see how much of us he could handle? I’ve had a hard enough time figuring out what I want, I don’t have it in me to help someone else figure out what they want. My heart is too fragile for this and my children are too precious for me to allow another person into their lives with the full knowledge that he might be ripped away from them.

Figuring out if someone can deal with the fact that their partner has kids, that is normal, that is expected. I am not living in some fantasy land where I think that I’m going to marry someone who has never met my kids, but as a mother, my kids need to come before my dating life. My kids, they will always need to come before what I want. How do I allow someone access to them, to their little hearts, when the issue isn’t them, it’s what he wants for his life? How do I put myself in the position of committing myself and my kids to see if he decides to want us or not?

I can’t.

“Eden,” he said. “I don’t want to break up with you and I definitely don’t want to see other people. I can’t imagine my life without you, I just need to be around your kids more, I need to see if I can get over these feelings. If you can’t be patient and stay committed to me while I figure out what I want, this won’t work.”

And there it was, the line drawn in the sand. The ultimatum, the thing I have spent a year preparing myself for; the moment when I see the boundary line of someone else and determine if it is anywhere near mine.

It wasn’t.

I appreciate your honesty and I respect your feelings, but I’m sorry, I just can’t do that.” I stuttered out. “This isn’t an issue that we can think on and come to a compromise. This isn’t even about me, or my kids, it’s about you not having a clear understanding of what you are able to offer or even what you want. I am willing to be patient, I am willing to give you time and space without any pressure from me, but I cannot commit myself to being a test subject. I can’t go forward in this “fully committed” knowing that you are struggling with even watching me work and knowing full well that if my life got harder that there’s a good chance you would bail on me when I needed you the most. I’m sorry, but if we can’t take this a few steps back then I need to end this.”

He wasn’t crying, but he was definitely choking back a few tears of his own. I asked him not to call me again. I know how heartbreak works. I know that when you miss someone the most, that the issues seem the smallest. You jump back into the relationship just to stop the pain, but it doesn’t fix the issue. He was very clear that he has really been struggling with feeling like he doesn’t want the responsibility of children. I can’t risk him coming back because he misses me because I will always be  wondering if my kids and I are one step away from overwhelming him.

He said he understood and we parted ways.

I then spent the entire night crying and am not feeling much better today.

I feel hurt. I feel misled even though I know it wasn’t his intention.

I feel angry, angry with my ex that his poor choices are continuing to make my future more difficult, which is unsettling because I have long gotten past the anger. I feel resentful of the fact that his life is easier because he doesn’t have two kids anymore; that the only person he has to care about is himself and that my life has been forever made harder by the fact that he chose himself over the children he brought into this world and the woman he committed himself to.

I feel resentful of the fact that what I want and need always comes after the wants and needs of 2 other people and that I’m once again watching what I want slip away because I am not just living my own life, but also the lives of 2 other people. That of course makes me feel mortified and disgusted at myself for even allowing those thoughts to cross my mind because not only are my children the center of my world, but I have proven that I would give my life up for my kids in an instant. I can’t even believe that I am thinking about how much easier it would be without them because if anything ever happened to them I honestly don’t think I could survive it. No, I’m pretty damn sure I wouldn’t survive it.

And then under, on top, and in between all of those feelings, I just feel hurt because I’m once again watching something I really wanted slip away.

So that’s how I feel blogland. I can’t believe that I am sharing this online, but I promised to show you the struggles and here they are. This is the ugly, painful part of single motherhood. This is a reality that many women are living.

I just feel so confused, once again beaten down, and hurt. I feel really, really, hurt.

So if all you trolls could just give me a break in the comments today I would much appreciate it.

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  • Mzfuzz
    January 14, 2015 at 11:55 pm

    Nobody can tell you what's right for you, Eden. We all make the best decision we can with what we have available to us at the time. And you're not a terrible person for thinking about how your life would be different without kids….That's a normal thing to do, especially when you're losing something you've really been enjoying. Anyway, all I can do is send you some *hugs,* which I know isn't a lot. You're not alone, and nothing is forever.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:58 am

      Funny how four days later you started and (so far) ended the comment thread! Thanks for chatting with me via email 🙂

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 12:18 am

    I'm so sorry 🙁 I found your blog a month or so ago and you have went through so much crap it just isn't fair! I just want you to know that even though you don't know me I think about you and pray that your life gets better….

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:57 am

      Aw, thanks 🙂


  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 12:24 am

    Even though your (meaning yours and his) feelings led you to this painful place, I really applaud you for the quality communication you had. I am currently reading a book about how grown up kids of alcoholics tend to suck at this, and your example could be the very, very good example of honesty and validating the other person's feelings. I am very sorry though that these beautiful relationships turned out this way for you both. I find you amazing and inspiring, and send you lots of hugs and wishes to get through this stronger and smarter than when you entered it. Hang in there, hon! /Helen

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:57 am

      Thank you so much 🙂 We obviously weren’t right for each other, but our communication was a blessing. It really helped getting through this knowing that each of us felt heard and understood 🙂


  • Evelyn
    January 15, 2015 at 1:27 am

    there there *pat* hug* While I was reading I was thinking this guy sounds perfect and thought you should wait and be patient. But then I saw how it ended and was sad.When I saw your first post about him and the pictures I thought he might be Dan from single dad laughing, but now I see he's not since this guy doesn't have kids. He does/did sound good though

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:55 am

      “There, there,” hahaha! That gave me a good laugh. I had to look up the single dad laughing guy after reading this and you are right, it does look like him!!

      It’s not though, but they do look VERY much alike. Creepy!

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 1:56 am

    Oh my god. ” I wish I didn't. I wish they were bratty and rude and that I just didn't like them. If they were terrible I could justify to myself that I don't want to raise kids that aren't mine because they are awful and then I wouldn't feel so shitty about myself, but the truth is I really enjoy your kids.” What a dick! Selfish too. This guy is NOT who you want, Eden. Who does he think he is analyzing all his cowardly feelings and offloading them onto you and expecting you to be accomodating? Dump. And saying those things about your kids? Many children of divorce do have behavioral problems if their moms aren't as supportive as you are, and I hate of think of the scenario in which the kids do act out and the jerk boyfriend who is afraid of commitment tells her he doesn't like the “bratty and rude” kids then she lashes out at them. I'm really sorry he did this to you and turned out to be a dud. You are not a worse or stupidet person because of it and it wasn't your fault. I pinned him earlier as being a “sensitive man” which had some warning flags for me but I didn't want to get ahead of anything. This is how it turned out in regards to him. Although around the same age, he is obviously far behind you in terms of maturity. Have you ever dated older men? How about men who have also been divorced or even also have kids? If so, that man would be much more understanding and you might feel like you have an equal amount of adjusting to each other's kids to do. Maybe the kids would like having new siblings too, who knows? ;)About your anger and resentment towards your ex. I'm glad you always keep in mind that your kids come before men. Your ex was a jerk for leaving your kids without a father and you already knew that. You aren't with your kids just because he left you with them, but because you love them (they are cool, aren't they?) and it's the right thing to do and you have considerably better morals than he does. Even if you never remarry, you three have been a family for so long and always will be a family! Finally, again, please don't feel as if this is something you really wanted slipping away from you. I don't see it that way at all. He was unsuitable all along because he has issues with responsibilty and guilt (oddly that he threw all out there) and put you in an uncomfortable position by saying he just wanted you and didn't want to break up with you. And he even said he wished he could pin the trouble on misbehaving kids! Jeez. Please don't stress any more about his words or obsess about them if at all possible. Does this guy seriously get logic and ethics? Cause that's what he's supposed to know about, and I hate to think he's teaching it. Anyway, I'm done bashing this guy :). I'm soo sorry Eden, my heart goes out to you, I hope you feel better, and I hope you have fun activities planned to get your mind off this! 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:56 am

      I love so much of what you said. Thank you 🙂

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 2:18 am

    I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, but you serially dating and having messy breakups isn't a good environment for your kids and isn't setting a great example. I can't help but wonder where your kids are when you are going on dates or crying after a break up. Maybe don't date for a while?

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 2:38 am

    My gosh you just can't keep your mouth shut when someone is hurting can you? Eden is in this position because she is protecting her kids. She said they didn't know him as anything other than a friend and that she doesn't even let them meet most people. Is she not allowed to go out after her kids are in bed? Can she not cry in private? Because really how do you know what her kids are seeing?? She seems to be dating with a clear head, figuring out what she wants in a responsible way. Aside from piano man its not like she is having a recent string of disasterous relationships. She's taking it slow and not jumping into anything. Way to kick someone when they are down!

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 2:48 am

    Wtf? A “messy breakup?” So your definition of a messy breakup is two people talking nicely to each other and deciding to “part ways” as Eden said? So if you cry bc you lost someone you liked, that deems it a messy break up? You're just someone who saw an opening and wanted to get a little dig in to make yourself feel better about whatever pathetic life you're leading. I agree with the other replier, Edens done nothing but work to protect her kids. I would assume that she wouldn't be doing all of this in front of them.

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 3:23 am

    I understand you can't just sit there being a trial run for him, as you say, but yet, I feel it isn't fair for you to reduce his sincere struggles to that. It can't have been easy for him to explain the intricacies of his psyche to you, or to be honest about his ambivalence, or his hope and sincere desire to overcome his reservations if at all possible.His comment about needing to keep on spending time with all of you in order to try and change his feelings and hopefully be able to become what you need, does not seem like wanting to use you, it seems like he thinks it is the best way to try and grow and include you (all of you) in his life picture for the future. Things need a while to unfold, sometimes.And you of all people should understand that. I keep thinking about you and your own past relationships and how hesitant you are to trust people and how guarded you are and how slowly you move within involvements yourself. How long it takes you to get from point A to point B with a person, and how you struggle with it and with being honest about it. And thus, how similar your own explanations and justifications and doubts/hesitations are, to your other dates, as to your reasoning for being cautious. (I.e., the shoe is currently on the other foot now…)He is being honest and sincere and wants to try and work this out, is willing to try and see if he can grow into the role of dad (or not), and has laid his cards on the table and his heart on a plate. It doesn't sound like a callous “test drive” situation, it sounds more like a hopeful goal of his, he truly wants to make it work if he can.Just like it takes you a while to warm up to a person and open up and -try and- trust, it may very well take a childless person (of either gender, not just men, children are a HUGE change to life as one knows it) a while to overcome the fear and bewilderment of making such a large change to their status.Don't just close the door entirely on somebody really good just because they are not perfect. (Yet.) He wants to try, he hopes to be able to become responsible for lives besides his own, but he has doubts. Understandable. You have had a long time to adapt to parenthood (it started suddenly when you first brought them home, but you have certainly grown a lot since then too, right?) and he has only had what, a few days/weeks/months?Give him a little bit of a break at not being able to suddenly be “instant dad, just add water”, and focus on his honesty, his willingness to try, his sincere admiration, respect and (maybe even love?) for you. Don't take his struggles at trying to consider changing his status as a rejection or a “test drive”, he is trying very hard to communicate his inner concerns and his desire to make the effort to try and take it all on (and it is admirable he was even able to share that… many guys wouldn't be able to articulate the feelings and the worries as he did. He may regret sharing the doubts now, but he felt he must, and that was another point for him, actually.)You would be terribly upset if your confidences about your struggles with trust and intimacy and your need to work on it and overcome it in order to be involved with a guy resulted in his reaction being just shutting you off and dropping you entirely (actually, it would be devastating, right?)So don't just pick up your marbles and march home, try to dial things back a bit, sure, but tell him you will give him some time for growth, that you know nothing is instant (and since your kids were told he was simply a friend, them spending time with him is not going to be a trauma for them if he doesn't go the distance in the end.) Be cautious, but don't be totally “over”. Give him some limited chance to continue trying to be involved and just see how it goes, one day at a time.

  • CD
    January 15, 2015 at 7:14 am

    ^^Every goddamn word of this. Hang in there, Eden. I'm thinking of you.

  • Sara
    January 15, 2015 at 12:50 pm

    I'm not that surprised by this. A lot of Americans fear growing up and having adult responsibilities. Two children probably just seem like way more than a man-boy can handle and from your last post this guy did not strike me as particularly ready for taking on so much responsibility. I don't have any dating advice for you because in my experience dating just sucks if you are looking for a long term partner and not just in it for fun. But hey, you are pretty and young so I don't think you will remain alone forever. Your chances of getting remarried are pretty high. One of my friends married a young man ten years younger than her when she had three kids already. They had another baby and have been together for 12 years now. Anything can happen 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:54 am

      Yea, his longest relationship up until this point was only a year and it was long distance. I think my life was just too much, too fast 🙁

  • Mzfuzz
    January 15, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    I have to agree with these sentiments. I know you're protecting your kids, Eden…I do. But I have to agree that you haven't really given him a chance to learn if he wants to be a dad or not….And how else is he going to find out except to try? At least he's willing and invested and honest about it.

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 1:44 pm

    I disagree with a lot of these comments. You offered to give him space while still seeing him. You offered to give him time to figure it and he was unwilling to compromise with what you needed. He wanted all or nothing from you and that's not fair! If he was unwilling to meet you in the middle so that you could both work through your struggles then he is not the man for you.

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    Two points for the comment above. It's been several months like she said, this isnt the beginning of a relationship. If he was having some major doubts then he had no right to make his ultimatum that they get more serious. Eden was being understanding and offering to give him as much time as he needed. It's not fair that he wouldn't give her some space as well. If he really cared about her he would understand she was struggling too.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:54 am

      Thank you 🙂

  • Katy Anders
    January 15, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    That's really horrible. But I know that in your circumstances, you can't sit around waiting for someone to figure out what they're going to do and what's in their heart.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:52 am

      Yep 🙁 Still hurts though!


      Thanks for being here!

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 3:19 pm

    Get a life. Don't kick people when they're down. Actually, don't kick people period. Karma is a bitch you know. Eden is doing awesome!! AND, she loves her kids and would do anything for them…including letting someone go that she clearly cared deeply for and wanted to see “where it would go”. Not all single parents in her situation would do that. In fact, most of the single parents I know DON'T do that. And you aren't living her life and you don't see her day in and day out. You have no clue when and where she cries. You have no clue when she finds the time to go out on a date. Kids sleep you know. And, I'd be willing to bet, at the young age hers are, they go to bed quite early. Nothing wrong with having a babysitter there after the kids are asleep. They wouldn't even know she was gone unless they woke up. And really…you call that a messy breakup? hahaha. You're crazy. Eden, don't let people get you down because of this or anything…the rest of us have your back. 🙂 We love you! *hugs*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 3:01 am

      Not really sure what to say here lol….

      As for the repliers, thank you 🙂

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    This post really inspired me. I think its great how you rationally thought about the consequences of staying with him. Instead of fearfully clinging to a relationship because you're afraid you need him. I think you made the right decision and were right for putting your foot down. He probably would have abandoned you at your lowest, judging from his last statement.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:51 am

      Thank you 🙂 It just wasn’t something I could risk right now 🙁

  • Anonymous
    January 15, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    I disagree. She didn't “shut the door on him completely, ” she offered him space and time, said they could keep seeing each other, but that she needed a little space while he figured out what he wanted. I think telling him that she understands, respects, and sympathizes with his feelings is in contradiction to what you are saying about her disregarding his feelings. I think what eden offered was perfectly acceptable. The shoe is on the other foot and the only just like she has always told other men that she couldn't fully commit without knowing what she could offer, she is asking for the same thing in return. This guy doesn't know what he wants and it's unfair for him to drag her along for the ride in HIS way. If he really did like her he would have enough respect to understand how this makes her feel and come to a compromise. Why should his struggles, his fears, be more important than hers? She didn't cut him off, she asked for what she needed and he decided what he needed was more important, which seems to be his struggle with this whole relationship anyways

  • MeowMix
    January 15, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    I'm sorry Eden. Just know this has nothing to do with you. He should have been more honest with you about this earlier. It's probably why he wanted to spend time with your kids so quickly, to see if he could get more into the idea. Unfortunately, even if everything else is perfect, if someone doesn't want kids, and it sounds like he really doesn't at this point, then that's a deal breaker for a mother of two. It sounds like he is so crazy about YOU that he was willing to try to TOLERATE having kids, which would be a long-term source of tension and your kids deserve WAY MORE than that. Honestly, every guy I've broken up with since I've gotten divorced has ultimately been because of my daughter. In the end, no one was good enough for her. Kids are a major issue in divorced dating and it's not discussed often enough. EVERYTHING CHANGES when there are kids involved. My boyfriend is never married, no kids also, and it's “not important” to him that he has children at this point, and one of my concerns is that he just doesn't “get” what it's like to have kids and the responsibility and priority of them. Like how they are your whole life. It hasn't been an issue yet because he hasn't met my daughter and won't for a good long while yet, so we're still kind of living in fantasy land, but even though things between us two are glorious and if I didn't have a kid maybe we would live happily ever after, all it would take is some deal breaker regarding my daughter for it to not work. That's just reality.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:50 am

      Agreed!! Look for my next post


  • Steven Theiss
    January 15, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    Well, now I'm glad the long comment I wrote about yesterday's entry got eaten by the comment editor!I'm SO sorry, Eden! You don't deserve to have this happen to you. If it makes you feel any better (it won't), I think you made the right decision. Not because Philosopher Guy wasn't nice, but because you found him at the wrong time in both your lives. I disagree with those above who are saying what an awful, selfish guy this is. I don't think he's really any more selfish than most people, if they are going to be honest about it. I think it's a really good sign of his character that he was willing and able to be so honest with you about his struggle, even though he knew it didn't make him look very good. I'm sorry he wasn't willing to give you the space that you were willing to give him. I suspect he is REALLY going to regret his choice in the days/months/years to come. As you said, it's OK not know whether you're ready to become an instant father, especially if that wasn't anything like what he was envisioning for himself at this stage of his life. But to ask you to commit yourself to him when he wasn't ready to commit himself to you was totally unfair to you. I'm sure his loss in this is far worse than he knows. Sometimes life gives us exactly what we want and need, but in a package or form that we don't expect. His mistake was in not being flexible enough to see this.And please don't feel guilty for resenting your kids! I love my kids more than my own life, but I would be lying if I said that I had never wistfully imagined how awesome my life would have been without them. Usually that only lasts for a short time until reality comes crashing back down and I see that the more likely kidless scenario would have me divorced and miserable, sitting on the couch in a basement somewhere eating Doritos in my underwear. You're a wonderful mom to your children, so stop beating yourself up over the fact that you are not blind to the sometimes darker reality of life as a divorced mom with two kids!I'm not sure if there's enough HagenDaaz in the world to make you feel any better, but go ahead and give it a shot! Grab one of your girlfriends and a couple of cases of HagenDaaz, and have an ugly cry bitch session about how men are effing pigs who all deserve to die in a fire (except me). (OK, probably me too)Eleventy-billion internet hugs to you!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:47 am

      Sorry your comment got eaten. That happens to me as well so I’ve learnd to highlight and copy before I hit publish so that if it gets eaten I can just repaste it 🙂

      Thank you for your kind words, I’m responding to everyone in the next post.

      I’ll take all eleventy-billion of those hugs!

  • Koro
    January 15, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    Wow, that sucks. *hugs* I'm sorry that happened. I just want you to know that it is okay to feel what you're feeling. Hang in there.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:48 am

      Thanks, it’s good to be reminded that it’s ok to feel like THIS SUCKS. 🙂

  • flamingo
    January 16, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    Awww, Eden. I really like him for you, although I could argue for (and against lol) both sides. Only you can make this decision and we will take the ride – no matter what you decide in the end. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is not over yet. (hope I'm right) We made the choice to become parents and no one will love our children in the same way as us. At best, we find the 'next best thing' to Daddy material. (I didn't ) That being said, you were there to see his face and interpret his words. I may be leaning more toward him since he was so honest about his feelings.I married the Wizard of Oz and ended up with the troll under the bridge – so, what do I know? hahahahaI am sending you healing wishes and extra-large hugs!Much love and many hugs from the East Coast

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:47 am

      Thank you dearie, I need all those hugs!


  • Jon Snow
    January 16, 2015 at 7:59 pm

    I don't understand why you can't be patient, this is all new to him and he was honest about it. What else do you want? Noone is going to come to you and say “cool you have two kids from another man and that is exactly what I was looking for in a relationship” . You like the guy he seems to like you and willing to work on it, you can't expect a stranger to feel what you feel for your kids instantly, I'm sure he will want to have kids with you in the future and everything would be fine if you had the patience to deal with it.In any case, good luck to you 🙂

  • Spider - Man
    January 16, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    You know nothing, Jon Snow.

  • Jon Snow
    January 16, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    I loled.

  • dizzyd
    January 17, 2015 at 12:35 am

    As “I disagree” said, and as I understand it, Eden didn't cut him off completely without offering a compromise. I believe she was (is?) open to keep seeing him but, under the circumstances, committing to an exclusive monogamous relationship was not acceptable at THIS time…Why should she lock herself up with no other options under these circumstances? If he's as great as she made him out to be, he should be open to seeing her without demanding exclusivity until he figures out what he can handle.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:52 am

      Look for my upcoming blog post!

      Hugs and thank you for ALL the insights, even the ones I don’t always want to hear 🙂

  • GE
    January 17, 2015 at 7:36 am

    Why is it that the first guy who says, “not all men say/do/think like that” is also the first guy who says “all men think and act the same way I do”?It's really baffling. Either you can't paint all men with a broad brush or you can. You don't get to have it both ways.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 3:01 am

      Look for my new post tonight Jon 🙂

  • Mzfuzz
    January 18, 2015 at 1:39 am

    I just wanna chime in one last time and say….This piece was hugely difficult for Eden to live through, and harder to write. I have been really impressed by the widely varied opinions (mostly) thoughtfully expressed here. I've had my horizons widened a bit, and for that, I thank each of you.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 2:46 am

      Thanks hun 🙂 I learned a lot from this comments thread.

      *hugs* to you and all of you!

  • Mzfuzz
    January 18, 2015 at 9:26 pm

    Hooray for first and last!! 😀 I always enjoy chatting. And why are you doing comments on Sunday? NO WORK WEEKENDS! 😉

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 8:20 am

      I know, it’s a NO WORK WEEKEND!! I slacked on things all week because my head was in the sand. Needed to catch up today 🙁

  • afairytale84
    January 19, 2015 at 1:09 am

    So, I'm way late here, sorry. Life and all that. You know how it is.I don't know that I can add anything to what's already been said. So I'd just like to offer virtual hugs and virtual wine and let you know I'm thinking about you. :)Also. Ugh. The spell caster spam is back. Those people are whack jobs.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      January 18, 2015 at 8:18 am

      Those stupid spell casters! I cannot imagine how that is even profitable for them.

      Thank you, I will take all of those hugs!! I always appreciate knowing you are thinking about me 🙂


  • Joel
    January 19, 2015 at 1:30 am

    John Snow, Eden didn't want to put her kids in the position of growing attached to someone when there was a chance that he might leave. This is a huge deal. As a kid of a divorced mom, it was rare that we met someone she was dating and only when it was serious and long term. Granted, I wasn't 6 or 7 years old, I was more like 11 or 12, but still, a parent has to play it safe and protect her children from that disappointment. And I'm calling you out on this line:”I'm sure he will want to have kids with you in the future and everything would be fine if you had the patience to deal with it.”This is you putting blame on Eden and that's not cool.

  • Butterfly14
    January 19, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    YOU are awesome Steven. Love your comments and I think its great to give Eden a male point of view.Some of those ((hugs) back to you!

  • nichole jenkins
    July 7, 2015 at 8:28 am

    As a grown child of alcoholics, I can confirm how difficult it is to have a grown up conversation of your feelings, having them be validated and validating someone else's without being on the defensive ALL the time.I can only imagine how sucky this situation was for you Eden.,

    • NotMyShametoBear
      July 12, 2015 at 10:47 am

      It wasn’t fun lol. I’m glad (and sad) that you understand 🙂


  • Gila
    March 31, 2016 at 7:04 pm

    I'm so confused– didn't you say at the end of your last post that you really weren't sure if you'd be able to commit to this guy, that you were having doubts, that you needed time? And then he comes along and says the same thing, and all of a sudden it's over? It sounds to me like you were both in the same place. It had only been a few months, nobody was demanding that you “put a ring on it” immediately. It seemed like you were cool with dating him, but not anyone else, but not exactly committing to him either while you figured out how you felt, until he told you about his doubts and then you were like “oh, actually let's have an open relationship”. I'm not judging, obviously relationship decisions are very personal and everybody feels differently and acts differently, but I just don't get it! What am I missing?


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