I Need A Cupcake For Court Tomorrow

Can someone please bring me some wine and a few cupcakes? Because I’d really like to stuff my feelings down with food right about now.

Tomorrow I have court again with my ex.

I’m not sure how I feel about this.

When I wrote my last post, I was angry. And before that, I was scared. And even before that, and even now, I’m just hurt; hurt that I need to chase down the father of my kids and try to get him to acknowledge that our kids exist.

I’m tired.

Tired of going through this, tired of not getting anywhere, and tired of the reality that this may be my life until my kids turn 18… which is 14 more years.

So tomorrow, it will most likely just be another blip on the radar of the life that I have to come.

14 more years of this.

4 down, 14 to go.

It could be worse though, I could be fighting him for custody, or arguing with him over visitation, but I’m not, and that’s what I will keep in mind.

This is just money; five figures worth of money that we desperately need, but at the end of the day, I already have everything that is important to me, and that’s what I will remember.

It’s what I think of when I walk into the courthouse, terrified to see my ex, and drained by the process. It’s the two little sets of brown eyes that remind me of why I keep doing this; why I need to keep doing this.

It’s the two little people who deserve more than what their father did to them, and it’s because I refuse to pretend like my kids don’t exist, just to appease him.

They do exist, and I’ll be damned if I let him forget that.

So yea, 14 more years of this.

Good thing I have two amazing reasons to keep going.

Pray for me, but more than that, please pray for my ex.

Because when I see him in court tomorrow, he’s going to need those prayers.

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  • AM K
    March 1, 2016 at 11:36 pm

    i'm terrified. i want cupcakes too. i haven't seen my husband in almost three years. we have court next week. it's the first date. it was supposed to be today, but something came up for the referee =\ he hasn't asked about our… my sons, expect a handful of times. he blames me for leaving, claims i abuse HIM! i know i have to do what's best for my sons… but i know from a previous relationship, he doesn't bother with his daughter. barely made an effort to pay the $50 for child support. he receives VA benefits that have since gone up since he was put on his daughter's birth certificate. which was a headache in itself.hope tomorrow goes as well as it can when dealing with that sort of “man”!!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 3, 2016 at 9:22 am

      I’ll share my cupcakes with you! Maybe we should just get a big layer cake or something!!

      You CAN do this, you can! If I can do it (and I’m a mess), then you can too!

  • Emily and Anthony
    March 2, 2016 at 3:43 am

    Sending you lots of virtual cupcakes and wine, Eden! Perhaps it will help to try not to think about the next 14 years, but just about tomorrow. God has brought you to this and He will bring you through this. xoxo

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 3, 2016 at 9:21 am

      I’m going to keep repeating that mantra!

  • Carolyn De Neut
    March 2, 2016 at 2:20 pm

    The temptation to quit will be the greatest just before you are about to succeed – Chinese Proverb.You can DO this! 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 3, 2016 at 9:20 am

      I love that!

  • Anonymous
    March 2, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    It's interesting to me how he just dumps his kids like garbage. I wonder how he'd respond if he heard that you did that. Just left your kids to fend for themselves. If he got mad, he'd HAVE to realize the irony, because that's exactly what he did.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 3, 2016 at 9:20 am

      No kidding, right? He probably wouldn’t care a bit though to be honest. He would just leave them to the state 🙁

  • Catie
    March 2, 2016 at 6:51 pm

    I have read through your posts on Yahoo Parenting and am so incredibly impressed with your strength. I send prayers for you and your kids, but – wow – your kids have an answered prayer in you, as they are so blessed to have you as their mama. Good luck to you!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 3, 2016 at 9:20 am

      Thank you so very much Catie.


  • Facebook
    March 2, 2016 at 8:25 pm

    You can't make him be a father, if you let that part go it gets easier. Take him to court for child support, definitely, but try to let go of the anger about him being a terrible father. I speak from experience, I'm the best mom I can be and his shortcomings are not my fault, not a reflection on me or my kids, and I have better things to spend the emotional energy on than anger at someone that may never live up to my lowest standard.

  • Facebook
    March 2, 2016 at 8:25 pm

    Just try -yes, try!!!-, to see the situation like its not you. It's very hard, but it will help you to see everything clear and to make better decision. If he doesn't want to be part of your family life, that is his loss…. He need to pay thought… Keep going strong, your kids will need you when they realize what their daddy did. Keep us posted! I'm praying for you and all the amazing ladies going thru similar situations everyday! Keep your head up and look amazing!

  • Facebook
    March 2, 2016 at 8:26 pm

    Ignore the screwy grammar in this pic. I know you feel this way about it. I'll pray that you have a good experience in court, and for him to finally see the light. Good luck.

  • Facebook
    March 2, 2016 at 8:26 pm

    Praying for you and your beautiful children! You CAN do this!

  • Facebook
    March 2, 2016 at 8:27 pm

    Good luck!

  • Molly
    March 3, 2016 at 1:19 am

    Eden, I don't think you're going to have 14 more years of this. The court is going to side with your kids. And if this subhuman is the scum you describe to us, THANK GOD you don't have to deal with him being in your life, or your kids' lives, anymore! You've got this!!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 3, 2016 at 9:22 am

      I sure hope so, because so far it has not been going as easily as one would think. Thank you for your encouragement Molly 🙂 My readers are the best!!


  • Anonymous
    March 10, 2016 at 1:16 am

    Every single-parent seeking child support deals with this bs until their children are at least 18, if not longer if the state mandates college-attending children t to receive continued support. Unfortunatly IT IS something she will have to deal with for the next 14 years if she wants him to continue paying the support he owes. While it's comforting to think she may not have to endure this it simply isn't a reality. But she appears stl be extremely strong and this will get easier every time. Best of luck.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 10, 2016 at 10:59 am

      Thank you 🙂

  • Anonymous
    March 10, 2016 at 1:19 am

    Comments must now be approved? Lol nothing worse than a comment list full of perfectly curated comments….seems like that would go against your motto of not needing to be perfect.

  • NotMyShametoBear
    March 10, 2016 at 11:01 am

    Nope, but when your blog is getting hit with a combination of 50+ spell caster spams a day, plus people who don’t believe domestic abuse or rape is real, and the occasional troll, it’s better for the blog to have some of that stuff filtered out. Otherwise anyone who comments gets bombarded with email updates every time the spam bots hit the pages, and the people that have come here for healing get torn apart by trolls writing things such as “you probably deserved to be raped.”

    No one deserves that, and we shouldn’t have to read it either.

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