Goodness, I Incited A Riot


Wow, simmer down people, simmer down. I see that yesterday’s blog post was not taken as jokingly as I would have expected, judging by how fast my email inbox filled up with angry emails scolding me for having a physical attribute requirement for my date. Yikes!!
Ok, everyone take a deep breath. Are we breathing? Everyone breathing? Anyone need a glass of ice water? A damp rag? Anyone need to lie down? Medics? Do we need medics?
Alright then, let’s get down to business. Clearly, there needs to be a sarcasm font.
The previous post stemmed from a conversation that I had with, of all people, my nutcase neighbor about a year ago. I was on a break with the guy that I was dating at the time, and she was strongly urging me to join a dating website. I remember telling her “Oh, and what is it going to say? Single mother of two with no career, no money, a crazy ex husband, and the worst in-laws ever, is seeking a boyfriend? Why don’t I just stamp a label on my head that says ‘Send me all your losers.’ ”

So to be clear, I am not really writing a personal ad. I am finally ready to date with the intention of finding someone to be in an actual relationship with, but I won’t be taking out any personal ads. The one I posted yesterday was just supposed to be in good humor. Yes, it was all true, but a lot of it was just supposed to be poking fun at myself. I know that a lot of you were upset that I put down that my date must be tall, have good teeth, and not have a crazy family. Let me rephrase that.

Crazy families are ok, as long as he is able to have a healthy relationship outside of them. If they are crazy and all up in our business, I personally, am not ready to handle that. Ideally I would love to meet a guy with a great family that I could be a part of, but maybe that is just not in the cards for me. Maybe only a guy with a crazy family will be able to understand my past, and I am willing to explore that option.
As for the being tall part, yes, I am typically attracted to tall guys. Would I turn down a great relationship because he is short? No, of course not, but physically, I am usually first attracted to someone because of their height, and you know what? That’s ok. I’m short, with brown hair, and I have small boobs. That is a far cry from the tall, busty, blond that a lot of men go for and I’m ok with that. I am who I am, and I will be attractive to the right guy. I can’t fault or blame someone for what they are attracted too. I remember having a conversation in relation to that subject on a date once. The guy asked me what I was physically attracted too, and I told him initially, height and good teeth, and everything else seems to change with each relationship. I find that I am attracted to different things in different men. He told me “That makes sense. There has to be at least one thing that you are attracted too in the beginning. People don’t walk into a bar, see an ugly girl, and think ‘hum, well maybe she has a good personality, I will go talk to her.’ ” Now I consider that to be overly harsh, as I truly don’t believe that there are any ugly people, but there is something to be said about personal biological attraction. I wouldn’t walk into a bar, see a girl, and think “Hum, maybe she has what I’m looking for.” No, because I am not attracted to girls. Now like I said, I don’t believe there are ugly people. Every one possesses physical attributes that are attractive to different people. I have dated what some people might consider to be a derivative to the typical sociological standard of “attractive,” and yet they were very sexy to me because of who they were. I am totally open to that possibility again, but yes, at first glance, without knowing someone first, I do notice height. Maybe I will meet a short guy who likes busty blonds and we will hit it off and live happily ever after. Who knows, it could happen! And just as added info, I was supposed to be going on a date tonight (I had to cancel for weather related reasons) with a guy that is 5’10. Not my typical preference, but he seemed really nice, so I was going to go for it.
As for the teeth, sorry, that is a deal breaker for me. I watched my ex lose his teeth one by one as he fell deeper and deeper into his meth addiction. They literally disintegrated like sand. Great teeth are important to me on an emotional level. At this point in my life, I cannot look at bad teeth and not be reminded of things that really hurt me. I cannot handle having bad teeth pressed against my body, it literally flashes me back to too many memories that I am trying to forget. I know that teeth don’t make a personality, and I would never judge a friendship or a person based on what is in their mouth, but when it comes down to an intimate relationship, I need good teeth. Call it an emotional wound, call it post traumatic stress, call it whatever you want, I can’t do it. I can’t please everyone, and for once in my life, I’m not trying too.
Thank you to all the people that sent in email suggestions of what I should look for in a person. You guys were all so very helpful. Because it was a piece that was based mostly on sarcasm in terms of what I was looking for in someone, and then ended with a bit of emotion in what I could offer, I skipped nearly all of the qualities that I would actually want in a partner. Honesty, good communication, ambition, resilience, manners, those are all important to me. Someone who loves me not “in spite” of my past, but loves me “because of” my past and the person that it has made me today. Someone that not only accepts my children, but feels blessed to be a part of their amazing little lives. Someone who will not only pray for me, but pray with me. I want someone who is a whole person on their own and isn’t looking for me to fill any voids. There is so much that I am looking for and I’m sure it will take me some time to find it all and that is ok. I don’t feel like I NEED someone anymore. For the first time in my life, I am happy. I am really, truly happy with not only who I am, but the life that I am living. I don’t feel like I need a man to fill some void that I have in my life. That’s how I know I am ready. I am not looking for someone to complete my life; I’m looking for someone to add to it. I’m not in a rush. I have a beautiful family, a lovely home, I am building a career that I am proud of, I have a wonderful group of friends, and I love myself.
You guys, when it all comes down to it, I am human. I am a human being. I am imperfect, flawed, striving for success, and at times failing. I have been nothing but open and honest on here, raw and real, revealing things that sometimes make me look bad. I know from the comments and emails that a lot of you look up to me. I appreciate it, I am happy that you all are looking to me for answers that you can apply to your own lives, but really, I’m nothing special. I am just doing the best I can and the only promise that I can honestly make to you is that sometimes I will fail you. I will unintentionally offend. I will make choices that you disagree with. I will believe in a God that a lot of you believe to be false. I will make statements that go against the norm. Just look at some of my past posts. Remember “Trust, a four letter word?” Many of you think I made the wrong choice. Maybe I did. Remember the post “So….About The Neighbors” where I didn’t call the police on the neighbors? I got many angry emails over that one. Heck, I even admitted when I “Flipped The Fuck Out,” even though it made me seem like I should probably be medicated. “That Time I Realized I Was Going To Hell” had many of you calling me a man hater.
I am imperfect. If anyone knows a perfect person, I would love to meet and learn from them because I am so far from it. I know that many of you tune in daily to see what I have to say and along the way you have become attached to me. I am attached to you guys too, each and every reader that I have is an important part of my life. I care about what you are feeling and I care about what you have to say. When you tune in and you read something that you disagree with, I know that you truly become offended. I get it and I’m sorry. Please, don’t put me on a pedestal, because I can assure you, I will fail you. The only thing that I can promise you is to share with you the good, the bad, the funny, and the ugly. Along with that promise comes the promise that sometimes I will fail to meet the expectations that you have for me. Sometimes I fail to meet the expectations that I have for myself and you know what? It is ok. Like I said, I am human. I am also a recovering mess of a human, feeling my way through the world, picking up the broken pieces of a shattered life, and putting them back together the best way that I can. That is what I am here to show you. That was my intention in starting this blog. Not to make myself look great, but so that the rest of my fellow imperfect humanity can see first hand that a shattered life is not a wasted life.
Thank you for loving me, for hugging me, for supporting me, for pointing out advice that I may need. This blog is about me, for you. Sometimes I won’t be the best human being and unlike what I read on facebook and twitter where everyone is happy all the time, every one’s kids are perfect, they all have perfect marriages, and serve 18 course dinners after running 11 miles and building a homeless shelter, I am not that perfect of a human being. I am also not lying like everyone else is. 
I am happy that I am doing the best that I can and I invite you in day after day to bear witness to my imperfect life. Its not all daisies and roses people. It is what it is.

As for a man, good things will come in time. Maybe he is out there and is just not ready for me yet. I’ll be patient. In the meantime, I am enjoying being single, independent, and learning the lessons that I could only learn on my own. There is so much scenery to take in on this journey, so I am going to sit back, let it all soak in, and enjoy the ride to where ever I am going. You only pass some destinations once, it would be a shame to only look ahead and not look around, for the only thing ahead is the road, and by focusing solely on that, I’ll miss all the wonderful things that are passing me by. I am truly enjoying my solo adventure, but as I am moving forward, I’m clearing some space for a man to hop into the passenger seat and take the ride with me. Until I find him though, I’m going to journey on, thankful that I get to control the radio, sing at the top of my lungs, and drive at my own speed. I’m breathing it all in and living it up. Good gosh life is good and I intend to enjoy every minute of my perfectly imperfect life.

Photo Credit Red Cross: https://www.flickr.com/photos/britishredcross/
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39 Comments

  • Anonymous
    February 21, 2014 at 5:05 am

    Your honesty is refreshing! I truly hope that no one was nasty to you regarding your last post. I think anyone who says they don't have dating standards/deal breakers is either lying or is a saint. If it's any consolation, bad teeth are a deal breaker for me as well.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 21, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      Thank you 🙂

  • Sara
    February 21, 2014 at 11:57 am

    lol, people yelled at you for wanting to date a tall guy? What a bunch of self righteous twats. Anyway, I couldn't read your whole blog post because it was too long but I think it's good you wrote it and it's good you know what you want and know yourself. That makes it easier to find a partner for life. Just hone your BS radar a little. There are a lot of men who will say all the right things just to get with you then leave after a short time.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 21, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      They did lol!!

      I’m working on my radar, hopefully this time it doesn’t fail me 🙂

  • flamingo
    February 21, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    I enjoy your honesty and would not have subscribed to your blog if it read like so many others with 'Success Only' stories and life lessons. I can read fiction on my Kindle anytime. LOL We are all imperfect human beings – and so are the people who criticized you. I find that quite an interesting dynamic on your blog. Sometimes, another perspective gives me a different take on a comment or situation that I had never thought about previously. It may not change my mind and I may not agree but, it reveals options. Oh my God, how I love having options in my life now. So many years spent thinking I had none. I want to read all of them. The good, the bad, the ugly (hopefully, not too ugly – that is unnecessary here or anywhere really). We can agree to disagree respectfully.”Sometimes I won't be the best human being, and unlike what I read on facebook and twitter where everyone is happy all the time, and every one's kids are perfect, and they all have perfect marriages, and serve 18 course dinners after running 11 miles and building a homeless shelter, I am not that perfect of a human being. I am also not lying, like everyone else is.”And, OMG, This ^^^^^^^!!! Coming of age during the Martha Stewart era left me feeling like such a slacker back then. But, no one else was living my life, dealing with family difficulties, raising a child as a single parent, building a career and finding my way to be in this world. Martha sure as hell wasn't dealing with any of my life issues; but, she certainly influenced/cultivated ridiculously high standards and expectations of our gender's generation back then. Now, you young women are exposed every minute of the day (FB, Twitter, Instagram, etc.) to how beautiful, successful, happy, charitable and so fucking BUSY everyone ELSE seems to be 20 hours a day, 8 days a week. You are so right, they are liars. LOLKeep telling the unvarnished truth providing a place for respectful discourse and sharing experiences from which all of us can learn from each other.Stay strong, Eden!!!How's that mortgage payment looking for the first of March?Much love and many hugs from the east coast

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      Thank you hun 🙂

      Yes, I am a pinterest failure. I see everyone else like “We took coffee cans and made an entire village for endanged tigers with them and they are breeding and repopulating the world and Im off to bake cookies!” and I’m like “Kids are breathing. Award please.”

      I’m glad you are here 🙂

  • Jon Snow
    February 21, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    It doesn't really matter what you say about you in the profile for the dating site, just post your stripping picture and you will get hundreds of emails. Is not like anyone reads those profiles anyway and they all say the same thing lol people just focus on the pictures.I find funny that people blasted you because you were looking for some physical qualities like we all dont have a girl/guy of our dreams and want them to look certain way /rolleyes.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      I find it funny that judgmental people are calling me out for being judgmental

  • Mary Anne
    February 21, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    Well you were obviously being facetious in most of that post so if some took it too seriously they need to lighten up! We all have “physical types”, those bodies that make our hearts sing and our libidos stand at attention…that doesn't mean most of us will ONLY consider someone who is that type! And, let's face it, if we are talking long term relationship those “bodies” will eventually not be the same, say 30 years down the road! The point, at least to me, of your whole post was that you have decided to take the plunge…to seriously consider being really WITH someone…and the application was your way to annouce it in an entertaining way! It was fun to read…I am hopeful that you will find him! Blessings to you and I will pray that you find him and recognize him!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      Yay, you got the point of the post!!! (high five!!)

      Thank you 🙂

  • Jennifer Holter
    February 21, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    You go girl! Keep it real for yourself and let all the rest go. Prince Charming will sneak up on you when you least expect it and you won't even see him coming. It will be awesome! Let's just hope he doesn't have a cow head in his shopping cart cuz I am pretty sure that might be a deal breaker. 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2014 at 12:10 pm

      I’m ready….he can sneak up now!!!

      Cow head, definite deal breaker. Any head for that matter, deal breaker.

  • Butterfly14
    February 21, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    Best line in today's blog…..”Not to make myself look great, but so that the rest of my fellow imperfect humanity can see first hand that a Shattered Life is NOT a Wasted Life”.God will bless you with the man of your dreams, unfortunately you had to have some nightmares first 🙁 Hugs honey XXX OOO

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2014 at 12:10 pm

      Aw thanks love 🙂

  • Sara A.
    February 21, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Um, many people don't seem to have a sense of humor. Re: crazy family You might find that your boyfriend has what he would describe as “a great family” until you are added into the mix. That's what happened to me. His family was great until we got engaged and then his mom lost her ever-loving mind and tried to break up our wedding 3 times and has spent almost every visit and gift-giving opportunity since trying to prove her superiority to me. This included my baby shower and when she visited just after my daughter was born. We had to put her on time out while I made some very stringent boundaries for her continued relationship. Your wishlist sounds reasonable to me!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2014 at 12:10 pm

      Ah, so true. Man, I can’t imagine being blamed for disrupting another family. Scary thought lol!!!

      I’m glad that you and your husband can be a team against your mother in law. There is nothing better than an alliance 😉

  • vanessa
    February 22, 2014 at 6:56 am

    The only thing that disappoints me is that people presumed to have the right to scold you about ANYTHING. I don't care if you were being serious (which, didn't seem likely to me). No one has the right to tell another GROWN ass person how to live their life. I remember reading a comment from another “more mature” poster who stated that her criteria had changed over time. And that's how it should be. You have to start out with SOME standards before you can whittle them down to what you, ultimately, decide is most important to you. And if I remember correctly, you're still fairly young, so you have plenty of time to whittle away. YOU are the one who has to live with your choices so YOU are the only one who can decide what's right for you. I'm just mega annoyed that anyone, even well-meaning “friends”, would take it upon themselves to correct you. Just wow.P.S. My sister is a dental assistant and nice teeth are a requirement to her, too. She would not only not be physically attracted to a man with bad teeth; he would, most likely, repulse her. So stand your ground. No one has to lie in the bed you make but you. So kick the ninnies out of the [proverbial] bed and make your own decisions. You've earned that right. 😉

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2014 at 12:11 pm

      Vanessa, you crack me up. Thanks for your rallying support 🙂

      Thank you both ladies!!!

  • vanessa
    February 22, 2014 at 6:58 am

    P.P.S. You are far more gracious than I. This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me cuss. Smh. LMAO.

  • windmill
    February 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Initially I was suprised that anyone could miss the tone of your previous post. It just seemed so glaringly obvious that it was not entirely serious, plus anyone who has read the rest of your blog should have plenty of hints to help them out. But well…it doesn't surprise me. There are judgemental people everywhere, and plenty of them are self-righteous numpties who will merrily jump to the wrong conclusion and pat themselves on the back in the process. Sorry you had to meet so many of them though. Your post was hilarious as far as I was concerned. You go for what you want, you deserve to get it!(It just crossed my mind that 'numpty' might not translate. And might also give away my Britishness. However people who can read this can also use Google, so I'll leave it as is!)

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 22, 2014 at 12:12 pm

      Hahaha, when I first ready “numpty” my brain went “What on earth is that word? Hum. she is definitely british.” Now Im going to have to google it!!

      Thank you for finding the humor in the post 🙂 I’m glad you got some good laughs out of it!

  • flamingo
    February 22, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Vanessa, thanx for the 'more mature' label. It sounds so much nicer than just plain 'older' for a variety of reasons. haha And, sadly there are a few assholes everywhere on the net (and the world for that matter); so, you are right they had no right to tell Eden her standards were not acceptable. Thankfully, cussing is acceptable (and sometimes necessary here). LOLHave a great day!

  • Anonymous
    February 22, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    I can't believe people reacted so negatively to your post. It seemed obvious to me that you weren't being completely serious. I don't think there is anything wrong with looking for specific physical attributes if that is what you are attracted to. I was also always attracted to tall guys but my husband is short. So you also never know what could happen:)

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 23, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      I was suprised too, I totally thought it was obvious! Man was I wrong!!

      Heck, I’m all for a short guy if he has the other qualities I am looking for 🙂

  • Jennifer Holter
    February 22, 2014 at 10:42 pm

    I am pretty sure bringing her ex back is the last thing she is looking to do. She would probably date the guy with a cow head is his shopping card before the ex comes back.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 23, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      Hahahahaha!! I am going to delete his comment because I’m pretty sure its spam. But yes, I’d risk the cow head guy over my ex any day!

  • Sara A.
    February 23, 2014 at 1:14 am

    You wouldn't be to blame if this happens. The person misbehaving is always to blame. Some women just can't take the fact that life is always growing and changing. I think my MIL has/had a lot of her identity invested in being a mother of boys who need her. The moment that one gets engaged that is no longer true. There's also a class and race component to this as well, which I really really don't want to get into, but it's there, and no one wants to acknowledge that at all. I find it interesting that now one of my BILs have gotten engaged, none of the things she tried to pull with us have recurred. I'm glad that we can be a team now, but it wasn't always the case. I had to really fight to get this to be the case. Six months ago I wasn't sure we'd still be married today. Hubby really stepped up and made it abundantly clear that Baby and I trump Mommy. He still relapses into dumb husband territory occasionally, but they are getting fewer and farther between.

  • Amanda Harris
    February 23, 2014 at 2:41 am

    Just got around to reading your recent posts. I thought the boyfriend thing was cute. You gotta laugh sometimes!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 23, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      Thanks hun 🙂

  • afairytale84
    February 23, 2014 at 5:25 am

    Well I thought your post was funny. I could tell you were exaggerating a bit in places.And seriously, EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON on this planet has traits they prefer and traits they don't like. And probably 99.99% of them have something in particular (or a few somethings) that is a complete turnoff/deal breaker. Anyone who says they don't are lying.And since I love to confuse something, I've changed my name here again. I'm the Jennifer/jcarson84 poster. I felt the username was giving away a little too much personal info, so I changed it. Just to be confusing. 😉

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 23, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      Haha, I’m going to have to start keeping a little chart of all your names so that I know who you are.

      I agree, everyone has their turn on’s and deal breakers. Its human nature!!!

  • Anonymous
    February 23, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    lol, Seriously, some people just need a sarcasm sign. And they need to stay the fuck out of other people's personal lives. If you like tall men with good teeth, then that's your decision. If you are into girls or old ladies or anything else that is able to give their consent, then that is YOUR business. Let everyone love the way they want and be happy with it.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 23, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      Like I said lol, there needs to be a sarcasm font! Thank you for your support 🙂

  • Nicholas Gibson
    February 23, 2014 at 11:18 pm

    You are hereby awarded the medal of Basic and Advanced Parental Success Against Ridiculously Fucked Up Odds Grand Prize. If you choose to accept this award, you will receive many kudos and emotional hugs (and hopefully some physical ones from people who don't make you feel gross). Congratulations!

  • Meshelle Ross
    February 24, 2014 at 6:48 am

    I found your recent “boyfriend application” post rather comical but as many have already stated…there are so many out there that do not have a sense of humor. I swear, even on FB, it's like those “trolls” are just looking for something to bitch about, they must be really miserable people too cuz…can you imagine trying to get thru this life WITHOUT some kind of sense of humor???May I recommend one thing just from my own past experience? NO ONLINE DATING WEBSITES!!! I have tried them and they're all the same, at least have been for me…they talk you up and can sound like “the guy” but then when you meet with them in person they are there for only one thing and it's not a relationship, least not a long term one that involves wining and dining and getting to know one another in a normal way. I'm even including Christian Mingle! I belonged to those at one time and conversation would go great…no kind of sexual talk, etc. but once we'd meet, that would be the ONLY thing they were wanting. That or cons trying to scam me. I've always been told that once you stop looking the right one will come along….that's what I am doing now….NOT LOOKING! I, like you in some ways lost myself somewhere many years ago and I am finally on the right track of finding me and who I used to be and am actually happy with the person that I have become so…I'm ok with just me and my dogs. We're happy and if someone does come along someday and can add to our happiness then that is welcomed but don't dare try to take away from it!Love you and praying the very best for you and the young 'uns!

    • NotMyShametoBear
      February 24, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      Dating websites scare me. I know that people have a lot of success on them, but when you meet someone, you can kind of feel out their personality first. Online they can just lie lie lie.

      Hopefully I “run into” someone soon

  • Sara A.
    February 25, 2014 at 12:36 am

    Nah, I've decided that living well is the best revenge. 😉 I'm young, have a husband who loves me and the most adorable little girl in the world. I've won. She is divorced, her youngest has flown the coop, and she's alienated her daughter-in-law so much that she doesn't have a relationship with her only grandchild. I see her twice a year as a special favor to my husband and she gets no alone time with my child.

  • Anonymous
    April 27, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    You certainly did, didn't you? Good job!But really, people should get themselves a sense of humour! Really!Geez…My goodness.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 27, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      🙂

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