The New Government Conspiracy

After nearly two decades of hard drug use, my ex’s brain started to cook. I feel fairly confident in giving him that medical diagnosis despite the fact that I myself have never personally attended medical school, simply based on the fact that I was around him long enough to watch his brains actually start to cook.

(I also feel like I’m semi-qualified to diagnose people with various ailments because I’ve watched enough Discovery Health Channel that I’m basically a doctor now.)

So what does it look like when someones brains start to fry?

Think schizophrenia brought on by drug addiction.
When the delusions brought on by his drug use started to interfere with his everyday life, my quasi-medical school degree clued me into the fact that his brain was cooking. When no one around him was able to verify that what he was seeing was real, he did the most logical thing that someone in his position would do and he saw a doctor  stopped using drugs  did anything logical at all  decided that the rest of the human race was in on a giant conspiracy theory and he was the one we were out to get.

Yep, fun times.

**I feel like I should add in a disclaimer that I myself eventually made an appointment with a doctor who specializes in addictions to make sure that my ex didn’t have an untreated mental illness, and the doctor agreed that it was most likely “just” the drugs.**

Abuse aside, living with someone who is paranoid 100% of the time is really freaking hard. I was the target of many of his conspiracy theories and as his brain continued to cook itself (I’m deeming that an actual medical term based upon the fact that I’ve watched like 30 TV marathons of “Mystery Diagnosis” and as I said, I’m pretty much a doctor now), he even progressed into sleepwalking.

He would wake up in the middle of the night and in what I can only describe as “complete robot mode with scary-as-hell glossed over eyes,” he would tell me that he was going to work (which was a warning right there that something was wrong with him, the “going to work part” I mean).

He would get dressed, pack himself a lunch (he was actually more self-sufficient asleep than he was when he was awake go figure), and then he would try and find his truck keys. I would have already hidden them because I was obviously not about to let a sleeping man drive a truck and then when he couldn’t find his keys he would go absolutely ballistic. There was no reasoning with him and trying to physically wake him up resulted in nothing more than violent bursts of anger, so eventually I learned that the only that thing I could do was to just sit back and wait.

Wait while he tore the house apart looking for his keys, and wait until his increasing anger would eventually wake him up because the hormone change would cause him to need his next drug fix.

Because that’s fun.
Hey, let’s take a drug addicted, paranoid, abusive, withdrawing man, and drop him right in the middle of his worst nightmare; a place where he is suddenly aware that he has changed clothes, is feeling very angry, has no idea how he got to wherever we were, and the wife that he hates is there.

I’m fairly certain that he thought I was some kind of alien or something and that I was borrowing him at night for science experiments.

Due to the fact that he was crazy and absolutely unable to be reasoned with, he started to believe that I was actually out to get him. Several times I awoke up to find him standing over my bed with a large kitchen knife and whispering things such as “I know what you did and I just want you to know that I could kill you in your sleep, bury your body, and no one would ever find you,” which was one of the strangest things Mr. Attorney Man recorded in my divorce file case notes.

(Can we also just take a minute to acknowledge the fact that I called my parents, freaking out after this happened, and they offered to put my ex in counseling? Yep, there was no “LET’S GET OUR CHILD OUT OF THAT HO– USE BECA– USE SHE IS LIVING WITH A PSYCHO,” instead there was an “oh. Let’s get your husband some talk therapy for his murderous threats.”)


But aside from the fact that I may or may not be an alien, do you want to know which of his conspiracy theories caused the biggest rift in our house?

I’ll tell you which one it wasn’t.

It wasn’t his theory that I gave off a bad electrical charge and therefore was not allowed in the room if he was using anything electronic, which was annoying as hell for me because “Eden don’t come in here, I have the lights on.”

It wasn’t even his theory that since both of our kids have almond shaped eyes that they must have been switched at the hospital, since “CLEARLY the hospital is trying to give away Asian babies.” Despite the fact that he is Native American and Native Americans are Asian decedents, he stood steadfast that our hospital was “CLEARLY” part of some kind of intercontinental baby trafficking organization.

Yea, surprisingly it wasn’t even that conspiracy theory that caused the most problems, and that was a pretty big issue.

Nope, believe it or not, the conspiracy theory that caused more arguments than all of those combined was the one that had him FULLY CONVINCED that our neighborhood was part of a government takeover that would most certainly end humanity as we know it.

This was something that he would fret heavily about, research online, and try to engage in conversation anyone who would listen to him, because WE HAVE TO SAVE THE WORLD.

It was…

wait for it…

wait for it…

here it is…

Nope, not even kidding.

He 100% believed that one night he saw the garbage truck, not the recycling truck, come and take our recycling.

This was apparently very frightening for him.

He was absolutely convinced that they were taking our yogurt containers and empty cereal boxes back to some government lab to do “who the hell knows what they want with them Eden, but if we are paying taxes for recycling and they aren’t actually recycling, then they must be up to no good.”


I had to hear about this nearly every time I saw him. I was made to look at the research, watch “the subliminal messages on TV” that he was convinced were hidden in everything from commercials to cartoons, and watch him embarrass himself over and over again when talking to people that we knew because ” they are taking them back to the lab where they are collecting our DNA…” and seriously JUST SHUT UP ALREADY.

More than once I walked into a dark room, fully unaware that he was in there, only to be tackled to the ground as he hissed “they will see us!” while he crawled back to the window and peered out through the blinds. There is nothing quite like watching your high-as-a-kite husband hiding from a recycling truck… I mean a truck “posing” as a recycling truck, while he waits for what he is sure is a government agency truck that is going to come by and collect clone baby embryo ingredients from our recycling bins.

Not only was this weird in more ways than I care to list, but we would get into actual arguments over it because I’m a bit of a tree hugger. There I would be, clutching an empty egg carton and begging him to think of our future planet, while he would be screaming at me to throw away the fingerprint covered tracking device.

It was so bizarre.
I mean at times I found myself trying to sneak soup cans out of the trashcan and into the recycling bin when he wasn’t looking, because I could not bear the thought of them sitting in a landfill forever.
Actually, now that I’m writing this I’m beginning to think he may not have been the only one with a problem…

But anyways…
So yes, the big recycling conspiracy wars waged on, him screaming that recycling was going to cover the world in robot clones and me crying that not recycling was going to cover the world in trash.

Ah, the stories I get to tell my kids one day about their father…
Nothing like a good old science fiction family folktale. 

I have to say though, towards the end of our “relationship” where he was just an outright ass 100% of the time, I liked to get my little passive aggressive revenges in where I could. Since he was always so paranoid anyways, I had a little fun with it.

I mean really, if I’m being threatened in my sleep with a knife about something that I “supposedly” did, I kind of feel like I an entitled to a free pass to actually do something.

So I did something(s).

One day I bought a Barbie that had the exact same hair color as my ex had and while he was sleeping I cut up the Barbie’s hair and sprinkled it all over his pillow. The next morning I patiently waited until I heard “what the hell!?” and then I high-fived myself and he came upstairs (he slept on the 1st floor, me on the 3rd). He didn’t say a word.

Not one word.

I waited a few minutes and then after a while when I wasn’t getting the reaction I was hoping for I said “huh.”

He looked and me and asked “what? What are you looking at?”

“Oh! Nothing. It’s nothing,” I said, pretending to act a bit startled and then play it cool.

“Well it’s obviously something Eden so spit it out” he said, clearly annoyed.

“No, no, really, really it’s nothing” I said, in the most fake sounding voice I could muster up.

“If it’s nothing then why did you ‘huh’ in my direction!” he snapped.

“Well gee, I was trying not to be rude so I didn’t want to say anything, but your hair looks, I dunno, like super thin or something” I said. “Like you are suddenly going bald or just got like really old, super fast. But obviously that can’t happen overnight unless something is like really, REALLY seriously wrong with you, so I must be crazy.” I then squinted my eyes in his direction, gave myself a perplexed look, shrugged my shoulders, and walked out of the room.

I’m such a bitch.

Later I walked by the bathroom and saw him looking in the mirror while muttering “what the fuck is going on here?”

Nailed it.


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  • Steven Theiss
    March 30, 2015 at 2:50 pm

    Remind me never to get on your bad side! 😉

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:04 am

      Take note!

  • Butterfly14
    March 30, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    OMG Rolling on the floor . Thanks for the morning laugh 🙂

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:04 am

      Anytime 😉

  • Katy Anders
    March 30, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    Back when “House MD” was on, I could diganose ailments in other people like nobody's business. “Your kidneys are shutting down! We're going to have to do total body irradiation!”

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:03 am

      Hahaha!! I’m totally like that as well! I’ve been right a few times though and that just fuels my ‘IM PRACTICALLY A DOCTOR” ego, which is probably not a great thing…

  • Mzfuzz
    March 30, 2015 at 5:06 pm

    Awesome….LOL I mean…..Like, not awesome, but the way you fucked with him was great. I can't imagine how you lived with his insanity as long as you did. I'm honestly a little surprised he didn't murder you. I'm glad he didn't, though!! Thanks for making me laugh this morning. 🙂

  • afairytale84
    March 30, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    I feel like your ex and my father would get along stupendously.I'm with Mzfuzz on this one. I cannot imagine living with that kind of insanity, but that's hilarious how you messed with him!

  • Victoria Bell
    March 30, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    This reminds me of my ex. He was very paranoid also. He once accused me of wiring the house (he was convinced for awhile that I was a spy from the government) and all I could say was “….I can't even set the alarm clock, and you're accusing me of wiring the house?” It was one of those moments where if you can't make yourself laugh, you might start screaming.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 1:45 pm

    Did this guy ever get medical help? Sounds like valid grounds for an involuntary psychiatric hold (as attorney man would tell you). Ex was a danger to himself and to others, no offence but it's the worst idea to stay in that environment with a guy not fit to be out in the community (and then troll him on top of that…what if he went out of control and hurt you or the kids?).

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:08 am

      You can’t just have someone committed, this isn’t the movies. They evaluate them and many times let them go. It becomes his word against mine. I had about as much luck with that as I did escaping him in any other form. Was it a great idea to stay? Of course it wasn’t, just like staying for any other reason that I did weren’t great ideas either.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    You don't try to reason with a batshit insane person…you get them treated (or let someone else be responsible for their treatment if you are unable to cope)There seems to be a disturbing lack of awareness about mental health here…

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:06 am

      Zoddbrah it’s not as easy as you might think. If anyone knows mental health it’s me from living with my mother. People who are paranoid like that, they know how to lie better than anyone else. Often they don’t appear nearly as crazy to the mental health professionals on a routine intake eval bc they know how to lie. Then they just get sent home and are not only crazy, but madder than hell. It’s not as simple as you are making it out to be.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    Not so hilarious when he lashes out and hurts the kids or Eden because the drugs have fucked with his judgement.Seriously people, listen to yourselves

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    Fucking with a mentally unstable methhead who has previously raped you and beaten you is not “great”, it's unsafe and putting you/your kids in danger. Am I the only one who sees this as a bad idea?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:02 am

      We’ve alread had this same argument on another post so please let’s not go there again. When you are in such a trapped environment, you take what you can get and unless you’ve been there, there is absolutely no possible way for you to understand that. If I was going to get “in trouble’ for stuff I wasn’t even doing, on a countless day-after-day cycle, I was going to at least feel like I had a little control in the situation. If I wasn’t getting hit for that, it would just be something else.

      • NotMyShametoBear
        March 31, 2015 at 9:18 am

        Victoria I know that feeling well. Then you start to feel crazy knowing that you are even in that situation! That is pretty funny about the wiring of the house though lol!!

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    You seem to be failing to realize that this wasn't a typical mental health situation, this was an abuse environment. He was already lashing out at Eden and the kids and this blog as well as the stories of hundreds of thousands of other women have already established that it's not as easy to get out of. Are we really going to rehash the age old “why didn't she just call the police?” question that people throw around so easily?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:08 am

      True that.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 2:12 pm

    Why are Eden's actions being congratulated in the comments section? This guy beat her and raped her, he's hooked on crack/walter white's special blue formula/whatever poison trailer trash are hooked on these days….and you think this is a guy who can take a joke like a sane human being?Would you all be laughing if he hurt Eden/her kids because he overreacted to a prank? It's worrying, not funny.I don't see the funny side, this is dangerous and stupid on your part Eden. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:30 am

      I understand your fears but you can’t possibly understand the situation. I said upthread that most of the pranks were done before I had kids. I’m not going to start an entire convo about the dynamics of abuse but I am *FAR* from the only woman who has “rebelled” in this way. When you are going to get beat for breathing or blinking the wrong way, your scale of safety definitely becomes a bit skewed.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    I should have been clearer.If there is an aggressive, violent, abusive addict, it's a bad fucking idea to test this guy's patience and 'mess with him'. Can anyone justify playing pranks on a guy who could kill you if he happened to not find it as funny as you? Is your life/safety worth so little?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:19 am

      At that point, no it wasn’t worth much. I didn’t feel safe ever. Ever ever. I felt like I was going to die every single day and I kind of felt like if I was going to be killed, then at least I was going to go out on my own terms. I know that doesn’t sound rationale, but that’s what abuse does to you.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    There are countless better ways of feeling like you have control, none of which involve risking your life.But hey if this has already been discussed…link me to the post/comment I guess lol.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 2:22 pm

    What about the life/safety of your kids? Was it worth risking that for the sake of a prank?I'm honestly confused, someone help me out here.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:25 am

      Most of the pranks, Barbie hair included were before I had kids

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 2:35 pm

    “Most”? So a few of the pranks happened when your kids were around?If that's true, then your practical jokes put the safety of your kids at risk because of a possible violent overreaction of an abusive methhead who might not see the funny side of said joke. I mean let's be honest, he isn't a paragon of reason and level-headedness.

  • afairytale84
    March 31, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    My father used to rage at all of us when we were little. He'd throw things, he'd grip us tightly and shake us, he's scream bloody murder.He was constantly, CONSTANTLY misplacing his cigarettes. Constantly. And of course it was everyone's fault. We were obviously hiding them because we wanted to bankrupt him. We wanted to be homeless because we were so angry with him, so we'd hide his cigarettes.That's what he constantly told us. So know what we did? We started hiding his cigarettes. Our reactions were like Eden's. If we were going to get screamed at (he never did actually hit us, but he came close and his threats were terrifying enough to an 8-year-old kid) for something we didn't do, we might as well do that something he's yelling at us for.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      March 31, 2015 at 9:48 am

      Oh my gosh. Seriously? You know I had actually typed “all the pranks,” then changed it to “most and I say most bc I hesitate to lock myself into anything the way I get trolled these days and I can’t say for 100% certainty that there isn’t some random thing that I’ve forgotten about over the last 6 years” and then I deleted all of that bc it seemed like overkill.

      Now let’s just give it a rest. You were relentless the other day in the comments section and people called you out for it, if you don’t like what you are reading, read something else. You’re point has been clear, thank you.

      • NotMyShametoBear
        March 31, 2015 at 9:44 am

        Exactly afairytale, SO many people had the same reaction as I did. If we are going to get beat, then we at least want to feel like we had SOME control over it, however twisted that seems to everyone else.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    Of course, no one is denying that being abused can fuck up your judgement sometimes. Not gonna even try to pretend that I understand what a victim of abuse goes through so I won't comment on that specific point. But at least now, looking back at it, you do admit it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do…so how do you think it comes across when you're LOL'ing at it retrospectively, in March 2015?At the time you might not have seen that it was a bad idea, but now? Is the situation funny or is it gut-wrenchingly horrifying? For me it's the latter. Not funny at all, didn't even smirk.I guess I'm missing the joke here?

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    afairytale, yours is a slightly different situation….you were a child, of course no sane person is gonna hold you responsible for your reaction.

  • afairytale84
    March 31, 2015 at 2:50 pm

    Child or not, in an abusive situation, the mind can react in ways not necessarily sane.My mother (unbeknownst to me at the time – she told me years later after they divorced) also hid his cigarettes. She even slashed two of his tires once because she found out he was going to spend the last of our money on drugs and since there was literally no food in the kitchen, she wouldn't have been able to feed her kids for 3 days.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    Eden, yes people react the same way you did but looking back on it, is it something that you think was right (logically, not emotionally speaking)? Would you recommend that people in abusive relationships (with an unreasonable, quick-to-resort-to-violence drug addict) deal with the situation by pissing said person off even more?

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    Im a counselor that works at a domestic abuse shelter and I can tell you for fact that what Eden did is very much a part of the behavior that is expressed by victims. You don't need to understand it but what you should understand is that what you are doing here is like someone else said, very much like the pepole that scream “why didn't you just leave.” it is a dynamic that is not easily understood by anybody outside of the immediate situation and your relentless baggering of her is not going to change that. if I were to be concerned about anyone it would be you because as the person above also posted you have been caught up in quite a few of these things in different common threads. This is a victim celebrating a very tiny win, one of very few moments in her life where she actually had a little bit of power and what was going on, and while you might not understand that, stuff like this while not safe nor recommended is one of the ways that victims remain in control of their lives.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    Fair point anon. At least we agree that trying to prank a violent, mentally-unstable abuser is unsafe and an unreasonable way to deal with an abusive situation. The thing is, this blog is accessible to people who are in such situations themselves (someone I know used to be in an abusive relationship and she told me about this blog) and a post which seems to 'celebrate' a small victory (is it really a victory?) might encourage those in abusive relationships to act in the same way Eden did, which could end very, very badly for that abused person. I mean just from a legal perspective it's bad practise (ask attorney man, Eden).Maybe add a “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME” -style disclaimer?

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    PS not trying to be a dick, this is what you get when you have a discussion with a science student, we analyze every single point and have a “question everything” mindset lol.

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    Shut up, Zoddbrah. You sound like a ragey and personally offended jerk though it's not about you.

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    And while I can appreciate your intent, you come off as quite aggressive in your approach. You seem to forget that whIle she has a blog that people read, she is at heart still a victim. She may not always realize how things appear to others and your approach is less than kind.

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 4:00 pm

    Can someone please get this guy to shut up already. Obviously something in the post touched a nerve with him, like he has acted like your ex before.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    Comparing me to a woman-beating meth junkie rapist because I said that trolling a violent idiot is dangerous. Wow.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    Makes sense 3rd anon, but coming across as 'aggressive' is inevitable if you disagree with people. No one likes the guy who is the party-pooper/voice of reason but someone has to do it lol. Sugar-coating doesn't work.

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 5:04 pm

    That's completely wrong. Science says that aggressiveness creates defensiveness, not understanding. Your tactics are bully like in nature and you seem unable to grasp the concept that we don't agree with you. You have your opinion, you stated it, and you should be ok with that. You have no expertise in this area yet you simply cannot just drop it, even when other people are telling you to. This isn't a competition, you don't have to be the winner. This is two threads now, two topics, where people have disagreed with you And you couldn't let it go. I think a little self reflection might be in order…

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 5:46 pm

    Zoddbrah this is a blog for abused victims. We share in the tears and we share in the little and big wins. It's okay for you to not understand some things that are said on this blog. You don't need to understand.What you do need to understand is that you and your insistent point of view is not welcomed or appreciated. We get it that this little win upsets you but now you just need to move on! As an abused woman I get the little win humor and I appreciate it! I don't however appreciate your constant need to put Eden and her choices down. You sound like an abuser yourself! Why don't you just go to another blog where you can be appreciated for your insight! Thank you, Michele

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    I get what you're saying 4th anon but I'm just trying to figure out why everyone is laughing and congratulating someone for trolling a violent junkie and putting their own safety (+possibly the safety of their kids) at risk. There are lots of reasons for choosing to act that way at the time (when you don't have hindsight) but no one actually justified why it's ok to laugh about it now, years after it's happened.The only reason I'm still commenting about it is because that point still hasn't been addressed.Why is kicking the wasp's nest being seen as an 'awesome' and 'hilarious' thing?

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    This is not about putting anyone down but about understanding that such small victories can result in much bigger losses

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 6:32 pm

    We find it funny because it was a win for her. It's two years later, nothing bad came of that situation, it's ok to look back and laugh, healthy even. When your life is so horrific you need to be able to have the ability to be able to look back and laugh a little bit. It's like soldiers who went to war. They know the severity of their situations, they know how deadly it was, yet many of them have a few battle stories that they laugh about, stories that make the rest of us cringe. We don't understand it because we weren't there. This was something funny to Eden and I'm glad that in all those years of abuse, she does have a few “fun” memories.

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 6:36 pm

    I'm not the same person that you are replying too, but I agree, please just stop. You don't understand, you don't have to. Can't you see that the majority of the people in there don't agree with you? There really is something sad about the last person in the room going “but why isn't anyone listening to me!?!?” We heard you, we don't agree. For someone who is so hell bent on pushing his idea's off on other people, why aren't you able to see that maybe it is you who needs to understand a bit more?She isn't advertising that anyone should do this. She is just sharing a story from her past, just as she does so very many others. She is allowed to do that without having to make everything a giant public service announcement.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 6:40 pm

    Thanks 5th anon. That's the only sensible response to my question lol, only took about 20 comments to get there!

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    I feel bad for Eden right now. Has anyone else noticed she dissappeared from the comments for the last few hours? She doesn't like to get in the middle of these things and as an abuse victim I think we need to be aware of how these intense back and forth arguments might feel to her.

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 8:26 pm

    Agreed, people shouldn't get mad and emotional when someone's points are examined objectively. This is a discussion, not a heated argument.

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    Dear Zoddbrah. Let it go, its Eden's blog and she can say whatever she likes. Like she said, you can't really comment unless you've been in a simular situation. Pretty much like trying to explain to a man what its like to give birth…Eden I salute you. Abusers are very screwed up people and sometimes the only way to deal with it is to just be as crazy as them to remind yourself YOU are the sane one(if that makes sense).I salute you. When things were really bad with my mum, I plotted my revenge in some crazy ways, if only to help me get through it. Things are better now as I am older but lets just say this, she often wonders why I don't respond the way she wants and she only gets the minimum in emotion from me. Its may payback from how she treated me as a kid. So for Mother's day, even though she was sick with flu and wanted my company, I only stayed an hour. Small and petty I know but when you have lived with someone who has destroyed your emotional wellbeing sometimes its the only way to re-gain control.P.s – love your blog.xx

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 2, 2015 at 8:01 am

      I’m glad you found a way to stand up for yourself to your mom 🙂 Yay for small victories!!! I’m proud of you!!


  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 8:42 pm

    Don't worry about it, someone already answered my question to a satisfactory level anyway, I think I am closer to understanding the mentality behind Eden's actions.

  • R_Cheng
    March 31, 2015 at 9:16 pm

    I do know what 'Zoddbrah is trying to ask and I do not believe he is purposely being unkind. But! Perhaps we cannot understand why people choose to act in a way that seems to not have logic and is not safe for them. It is strange to us but normal to them. When someone is abused they may not think logically because the mental pain they are in stops them from logic.And to laugh at the abuse is the way to deal with abuse for some people…maybe if they can't laugh, they'll cry instead or suffer deeply inside? This is only my guess I do not know for certain.Abuse is difficult to understand I think. I can see why Zoddbrah is not following. One thing I do know is that I will never let my loved ones experience this abuse that Eden faced, I would die before that were to happen.

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 9:23 pm

    I think the issue that many people have with him is that he has been extremely rude and very trollish on other posts. He is almost always antagonistic in his ways and when other people point out opinions he finds a way to snap back. Even when an apology was made in another thread he just HAD to have the last word and it was a snarky one at that. It's hard to take him seriously anymore bc we are all just so tired of him.

  • Anonymous
    March 31, 2015 at 9:32 pm

    The problem I have with him is that he seems to be under the impression that he is owed “an answer that is to his satisfaction.” He got a bunch of answers, none of which he liked, and kept going and going until he got one that he liked. The real world isn't like that, no one owes him an explanation and trolling people for one certainly doesn't make you likeable.

  • CD
    March 31, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    Not gonna comment about any of this, except to say… I've just found the motivation to start recycling again.And I love reading your revenge stories, I sure hope there are more than just that?

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 2, 2015 at 8:00 am



      I posted a couple more in the post “i may be a little bit more devious than I originally let on,” but other than that I can’t think of any off the top of my head. I’m sure there were probably a couple more, but nothing that stands out. It’s not like it was an often occurance, but we were together ten years so there were definitely times!

  • Zoddbrah
    March 31, 2015 at 10:11 pm

    Great response R_Cheng, what you said makes a lot of sense. Yeah not gonna pretend that I understand what goes on in an abuse victim's mind at all.As mentioned before, I know someone who was in an abusive relationship and while I can't understand why she put up with the guy for so long (her lack of logic is frustrating) I'd take a full mag of bullets for her before I ever let her go through that shit again…so that part I definitely understand.I guess that's all we can do (listen to them, protect them, show them what a true loving relationship is) but I'd rather find a real solution to the problem and implement said solution lol.

  • MeowMix
    April 1, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    OMG, I can so relate to this. My ex-husband was abusing adderall (i am 99% sure, but it could have been something else, or multiple things) and went crazy and installed cameras all over our house, yard and small business that we owned. He thought the following people were conspiring against him, tracking him and spying on him: the government of the large city we live next to, the government of the city we lived in, a group of lesbian women that were into yoga and Alcoholics Anonymous, my dad, my brother, my brother's friends, a random woman named Lisa in a town nearby, the airport commission of the airport we lived near, the federal government, the police department of the city we lived near and of the one we lived in, and that's all I can remember right now. He tracked license plate numbers of people he thought were involved and following him. He had a notebook with hundreds of license plate numbers that he would research online. He would chase people in cars in his vehicle and motorcycle that he thought were following him and take pictures of them and one time claimed he hopped on the hood of a car and stared the spy in the eyes to let him know he knew he was watching him. I did not witness that, so that may have been made up. He made up lots of things, obviously. Anyway, I got away from him and everything is fine now but my life was an insane horror show for awhile trying to get out and away with my daughter.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 2, 2015 at 7:58 am

      Wow!! I’m sorry you went through that but I love hearing other people’s stories. It is so bizarre to watch someone going through that, and they are SO certain that they are right, you catch yourself wondering if maybe you are the crazy one…

      The spy part is hilarious though lol.

      I’m glad he is an “ex” husband of yours now!!


  • Survivor
    April 1, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    I'm an abuse survivor and I don't have any “funny” memories to look back on, even many years in retrospect. Yes, I faked it (as Eden wrote about previously) and hid the abuse. Outsiders saw me as a fun, outspoken and outgoing person. In truth I was subsisting within a prison of crippling shame and abject terror. I was viciously backhanded, punched, kicked and violently raped by my abuser on a daily basis.I never knew what would set him off or exacerbate the abuse and never ever pushed my luck. I cowered like a cowed animal, trying to please and never make waves. There were times when I laughed and joked, but it crushes me to think there wasn't an iota of genuine joy, lightheartedness, or love in my life. I was in sheer survival mode 24/7. Fear, pain, and dread dominated all. There is no way in hell I can glean anything funny from that horrific time in my life. I do find the mindset foreign to me. I don't know. I really don't get it and can't wrap my head around it.

  • Anonymous
    April 1, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    That sounds awful! i really think it comes down to the fact that different people are different people and they handle things differently. I would imagine that since Eden grew up in abuse that being in a abusive relationship wouldn't be is terrifying or foreign or horrific to her as it would be to anybody else because it's all she really ever known. I really think that if people like Eden weren't able to find any happiness in those situations that most of them probably wouldn't behere today. everybody just handles and reacts things differently. Its the same reason why some people commit suicide and another people wonder why they weren't able to handle whatever they were going through bc they themselves have been through worse. It doesn't lessen the experiences of anyone, it's just the way the different people handle things

  • Survivor
    April 2, 2015 at 2:58 pm

    Hi Anonymous. Thanks for replying to me. I was abused throughout childhood physically, emotionally and sexually, so abuse was far from foreign to me, it was all I ever knew. The vast majority of women in abusive relationships as adults, where abused in childhood. That's where it begins. Childhood abuse sets girls up to be abused as women. Young women with zero self-worth, no support system, and no knowledge of what love really is, are the most vulnerable, and abusers are predators prey on the most vulnerable of women.

  • Survivor
    April 2, 2015 at 3:02 pm

    Just correcting a few of my typos…. The vast majority of women in abusive relationships as adults, were abused in childhood. Not every single one of course, but that's typically where it begins. Childhood abuse sets girls up to be abused as women. Young women with zero self-worth, no support system, and no knowledge of what love really is, are the most vulnerable, and abusers are predators who prey on the most vulnerable of women.

  • Anonymous
    April 2, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    I agree and I meant no disrespect, was just attempting to point out that different people handle situations differently, react differently 🙂 I'm sorry you have nothing but nightmares to look back on, and at the same time I'm glad Eden was able to find at least a few laughable moments.

  • Anonymous
    April 2, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    I guess I should also add that I am also a survivor and this is a bit of a sore subject for me. I feel like I don't have the right to mention anything good that ever happened to me, like if anyone knew that I ever smiled or ever laughed, that they wouldn't believe parts of my life were as horrific as. they were. I'm trying to reconcile that horror and happiness are not always mutually exclusive. That just bc I found something to smile about, even during moments I'd rather not have had, doesn't mean what happened to me is irrelevant

  • Chebet
    April 2, 2015 at 6:07 pm

    (Blimey… I just scrolled over the discussion above… O.O)Lol, your description is like a text book on schizophrenia and delusion. Especially the part about the recycling truck not coming resulting in a world conspiracy. 😀 So funny.Your behaviour that you thought to be weird (egg cartons) is called Folie à deux, which means a delusion can be transmitted to somebody around the actual sick person. It's probably most common in religious cults. The person usually “infected” is (who'd have thunk) the partner living with the mentally ill person. There you go. For your doctor vocabulary! 😉

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 2, 2015 at 7:56 am

      Yea I could see how that could happen, but I never knew there was a name for it! Thanks for the insight! Hopefully now that he’s gone I’m not so crazy 😉

  • Chebet
    April 2, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    (P.S.: By “cult” I mean apocalyptical-Waco-siege-Jamestown-style cults, by the way.)

  • Anonymous
    April 8, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    I'm an abuse survivor. I've never commented on the blog before, but I have been following for a couple of months now. I went back and read every post and caught myself up to present day. I honestly have to say that I agree with Zoddbrah. I'm not a troll, and I don't want to start any fights. I understand that this is Eden's blog and therefore can contain anything that Eden sees fit. BUT, if I'm being honest, it sort of offends me that this is being published and put out for women like me to read. I'm a college student and escaped from almost 5 years of abuse less than 2 years ago (so that means I was being abused by a man when I was in high school). I'm young and still trying to figure out what exactly happened to me and it doesn't help that I'm reading blog posts about playing tricks on the man that abused Eden. To this day, I still, even after figuring out that I was so wrongly abused, could not imagine playing tricks on the man that threatened to “cut me up into tiny pieces and leave me in the ditch.” I understand that at some point you have to find your control or joy out of the situation, but my control was “taking pills and trying to end my life on multiple occasions,” which obviously didn't work (and I'm glad it didn't). I don't know, it just kind of makes me feel like this whole situation I went through is supposed to be some kind of joke. Like what I went through should have had some humor in it so I can post about it on a blog or laugh about it with my friends later. I enjoy your blog, Eden, but I guess I have to say that I truly am offended at some of the posts you have and the way abuse survivors are sometimes portrayed here. It took me a long time to even let another man sit in the same room alone with me, much less date again. It gives me hope that you're living your life so “normally” in a sense, and that's why I keep reading, but I think it's safe to say that there are a lot of people on this planet that have gone through far worse than what Eden has, and it just hurts to see some of the “triggering” events made into a joke.

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 8, 2015 at 7:56 am

      Well first off I will say that it was never my intention to offend anyone and I’m very sorry that I did that to you 🙁

      I think the important thing to remember is that we are all different, we all went through things differently, and we all handled them differently. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to portray a survivor because no two stories are alike. Saying that we all needed to come out of it as self-harmers or addicts discredits many women like myself who dealt with their feelings in a different way. My life wasn’t any less harmful or hurtful just because I reacted differently, just like yours wasn’t any less life altering if you don’t turn around and work with abused women so that they don’t have to go through what you did.

      I do whole heartedly apologize that I hurt you, that is the last thing I would ever want to do, but this is my life, this was my life, and this has been the experience of many other women as well. I don’t think trying to mold myself into being the “perfect” survivor is helpful to anyone. I truly do think that people need to see the entire spectrum of behaviors that accompany abuse and sometimes they were exactly like what I did. It’s just the way I dealt with it and it is what it is. I think that portraying only the stereotypical version of an abused woman would be much more harmful. I have MANY women in my support groups who were not the quiet wife, who were not the obedient girlfriend, who never felt like ending their lives, and who were still horrifically abused. Allowing them to see that their behaviors in no way discredit that amount of abuse they suffered has been the only way that they were able to start healing, because it was the only way that they were able to accept that they were in fact being abused. There are too many women who look back and are confused by what happened to them because every moment was not hell and even though a lot of mine was, I won’t lie and say that EVERY moment was.

      Sometimes I got a little revenge and sometimes it made me laugh.

      So again while I apologize for hurting you, I stand by what I wrote.

      Check back Friday, I have a post going up about this.

      I am sending you a big hug though, I hope your recovery is going well and I’m very happy that you didn’t end your life 🙂 You may not like me, but I’m glad you are still here.


  • Anonymous
    April 9, 2015 at 3:28 am

    Wow. Thank you so much for your reply. I honestly thought you would take offense to what I said, but I'm really glad you see where I'm coming from. What you said really cleared things up for me. You're right that everyone handled their abuse differently, I guess it just kind of bewilders me that there are people out there that didn't cower in a corner like I did, but at the same time it makes me wonder how my situation would have been different if I would have been able to develop the mindset that you and others had/have. I think that no matter how we handled things, we are strong in our own ways because we got OUT. That is what is most important. I very much like you and will still continue to follow your story. I completely respect you standing by what you write. I wouldn't want anyone to not speak their minds. As an abuse survivor, I had to go too long without being able to speak my mind, so it's something I really treasure for myself as well as others. After hearing what you had to say about the subject, I think I'm going to be able to read your blog from a new perspective, so thank you for that. I look very forward to your next post!*hugs hugs hugs*

    • NotMyShametoBear
      April 10, 2015 at 10:23 am

      Nah, I can’t be offended by what is not easily understood, but I do wish that more people understood it!

      I’m sorry that you cowered in a corner at all, and I most definitely had my times, it just wasn’t my only experience (thankfully).

      Thank YOU for understanding that people can, and do, react and handle things differently. I am so sorry that you had such a rough time, but YES, we both got out. You got your victory my friend, and I am proud of you 🙂

  • GMN138
    April 11, 2015 at 4:16 am

    Exactly what I was thinking @Zoddbrah. Addiction and mental illness are devastating enough with adding to the persons paranoia. If one truly felt scared and intimated they would not provoke the so-called “crazy person”. That's just inexplicable. And YES, I feel as though I can comment on this as someone who has been in this situation personally (my husband SUFFERS from Paranoid Schizophrenia w/Psyhotic Features) & professionally (I'm a MHP).

  • Anonymous
    April 11, 2015 at 4:31 am

    I vehemently disagree. You respond to your situation in the way you are wired. As a MHP I'm appalled that you would pass judgment like that when your training should have taught you full well that the people are forced to deal with a family members mental illness, they often respond, react, and rebel in very much the same way as Eden did, especially people who have not willingly choosen to be put in the caretaker opinion. As a fellow MHP I'm disgusted to share this professional title with you.

  • Anonymous
    April 11, 2015 at 4:43 am

    I'm really sad to see people like you GMN shaming an abuse survivor for things that happened in her relationship. Especially being in the heathcare field, I would have hoped for a little more compassion and understanding from you. You may feel entitled to comment because you have a sick husband, but if you were actually abused then you would know how difficult that is and whatever got her through it, got her through it.

  • Anonymous
    April 11, 2015 at 4:46 am

    And also, I hardly call making him think his hair was falling out “provoking him.” He had no idea it was her. For pete's sake he blamed her for electrical problems and thought the garbage men were out to get him, she was doomed no matter what she did, so she might as well get a well deserved laugh after everything he put her through!

  • GMN138
    April 11, 2015 at 10:38 pm

    “Get the last laugh”? I'm hardcore praying that you DON'T actually work in this field bc never, ever do we advocate ANYONE getting the last laugh. If one absolutely cannot remove oneself from an abusive situation of those it's imperative that all attempts be made to maintain as neutral an environment as possible until leaving becomes a viable option. Working with battered men & women for a decade now I've encountered only a handful of victims that intentionally screwed with their abuser. I fully understand that the desire to do so could be possibly be present but very few act on it. I am not bashing anyone and obviously am not the only person that doesn't understand the logic here–others have commented similarly as well. You needn't state “if you were actually abused” bc that's exactly what you're calling me out for only difference is that I don't actually CARE what you believe and what you don't. My abuse isn't the point of this post. I only mentioned my situation bc it was previously posted that unless someone was in this type of situation they can't comment. I don't lack empathy for abuse victims but I surely don't think that everything a person does can be excused simply bc they're victims–it doesn't excuse questionable behaviour. I'm not ashamed to share a field with YOU though bc I do not know you as a person nor do I know how effective you are on this field, we've interacted only through a blog comment and I wouldn't presume to know anything about you. But feel free to make your assumptions bc they don't affect me. It doesn't change the fact that I find the thought of provoking an ill, hostile, abusive person unreasonable. Have a GREAT afternoon 🙂

  • Anonymous
    April 11, 2015 at 11:31 pm

    First of all, I was the first person that replied to you, not the second two, you seem to be rolling everyone into one person. I'm the MHP that replied to you and your response post just confirms my beliefs that you really shouldn't be working with anyone. The passive aggressive “I don't care what YOU think have a GREAT day” clearly point to you caring.If you didn't care, you wouldn't have taken the time to write such a long response.That aside, you seem to be operating under the assumption that there was one mentally ill person and one “normal” person (no offense Eden). If you had actually worked with victims in relationships where the abuser has a mental illness, which I highly doubt you do, you would know that when an abused women is trapped in a situation like Eden was, that she would most likely start to assume some of his mental illness driven personality traits – that's science. So while Eden herself was not mentally ill, she was very much functioning within the confines of mental illness and it is reasonable, and “normal” to assume that she would do things that many other people would not understand. What set me off about your post was not that you didn't understand why she did what she did, but that you claim to be a MHP and then have absolutely no knowledge or insights into why the situation unfolded the way it did. If that's how you treat your clients, you are doing them a diservice. And in a narrower viewpoint, you are doing Eden a diservice by throwing your “professional” viewpoints around when you completely lack some of the most basic understandings of abusive relationships.You might now care about the opinion of others, but for the sake of your patients I would hope that you would dwell on this a little bit.

  • Anonymous
    April 11, 2015 at 11:34 pm

    (edit) You might *not* care.

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