The New Government Conspiracy
(I also feel like I’m semi-qualified to diagnose people with various ailments because I’ve watched enough Discovery Health Channel that I’m basically a doctor now.)
So what does it look like when someones brains start to fry?
Yep, fun times.
**I feel like I should add in a disclaimer that I myself eventually made an appointment with a doctor who specializes in addictions to make sure that my ex didn’t have an untreated mental illness, and the doctor agreed that it was most likely “just” the drugs.**
He would wake up in the middle of the night and in what I can only describe as “complete robot mode with scary-as-hell glossed over eyes,” he would tell me that he was going to work (which was a warning right there that something was wrong with him, the “going to work part” I mean).
Wait while he tore the house apart looking for his keys, and wait until his increasing anger would eventually wake him up because the hormone change would cause him to need his next drug fix.
Due to the fact that he was crazy and absolutely unable to be reasoned with, he started to believe that I was actually out to get him. Several times I awoke up to find him standing over my bed with a large kitchen knife and whispering things such as “I know what you did and I just want you to know that I could kill you in your sleep, bury your body, and no one would ever find you,” which was one of the strangest things Mr. Attorney Man recorded in my divorce file case notes.
I’ll tell you which one it wasn’t.
It wasn’t his theory that I gave off a bad electrical charge and therefore was not allowed in the room if he was using anything electronic, which was annoying as hell for me because “Eden don’t come in here, I have the lights on.”
It wasn’t even his theory that since both of our kids have almond shaped eyes that they must have been switched at the hospital, since “CLEARLY the hospital is trying to give away Asian babies.” Despite the fact that he is Native American and Native Americans are Asian decedents, he stood steadfast that our hospital was “CLEARLY” part of some kind of intercontinental baby trafficking organization.
Yea, surprisingly it wasn’t even that conspiracy theory that caused the most problems, and that was a pretty big issue.
Nope, believe it or not, the conspiracy theory that caused more arguments than all of those combined was the one that had him FULLY CONVINCED that our neighborhood was part of a government takeover that would most certainly end humanity as we know it.
This was something that he would fret heavily about, research online, and try to engage in conversation anyone who would listen to him, because WE HAVE TO SAVE THE WORLD.
wait for it…
wait for it…
here it is…
He 100% believed that one night he saw the garbage truck, not the recycling truck, come and take our recycling.
This was apparently very frightening for him.
He was absolutely convinced that they were taking our yogurt containers and empty cereal boxes back to some government lab to do “who the hell knows what they want with them Eden, but if we are paying taxes for recycling and they aren’t actually recycling, then they must be up to no good.”
I had to hear about this nearly every time I saw him. I was made to look at the research, watch “the subliminal messages on TV” that he was convinced were hidden in everything from commercials to cartoons, and watch him embarrass himself over and over again when talking to people that we knew because ” they are taking them back to the lab where they are collecting our DNA…” and seriously JUST SHUT UP ALREADY.
More than once I walked into a dark room, fully unaware that he was in there, only to be tackled to the ground as he hissed “they will see us!” while he crawled back to the window and peered out through the blinds. There is nothing quite like watching your high-as-a-kite husband hiding from a recycling truck… I mean a truck “posing” as a recycling truck, while he waits for what he is sure is a government agency truck that is going to come by and collect clone baby embryo ingredients from our recycling bins.
I have to say though, towards the end of our “relationship” where he was just an outright ass 100% of the time, I liked to get my little passive aggressive revenges in where I could. Since he was always so paranoid anyways, I had a little fun with it.
I mean really, if I’m being threatened in my sleep with a knife about something that I “supposedly” did, I kind of feel like I an entitled to a free pass to actually do something.
So I did something(s).
One day I bought a Barbie that had the exact same hair color as my ex had and while he was sleeping I cut up the Barbie’s hair and sprinkled it all over his pillow. The next morning I patiently waited until I heard “what the hell!?”
and then I high-fived myself and he came upstairs (he slept on the 1st floor, me on the 3rd). He didn’t say a word.
Not one word.
I waited a few minutes and then after a while
when I wasn’t getting the reaction I was hoping for I said “huh.”
He looked and me and asked “what? What are you looking at?”
“Oh! Nothing. It’s nothing,” I said, pretending to act a bit startled and then play it cool.
“Well it’s obviously something Eden so spit it out” he said, clearly annoyed.
“No, no, really, really it’s nothing” I said, in the most fake sounding voice I could muster up.
“If it’s nothing then why did you ‘huh’ in my direction!” he snapped.
“Well gee, I was trying not to be rude so I didn’t want to say anything, but your hair looks, I dunno, like super thin or something” I said. “Like you are suddenly going bald or just got like really old, super fast. But obviously that can’t happen overnight unless something is like really, REALLY seriously wrong with you, so I must be crazy.” I then squinted my eyes in his direction, gave myself a perplexed look, shrugged my shoulders, and walked out of the room.
I’m such a bitch.
Later I walked by the bathroom and saw him looking in the mirror while muttering “what the fuck is going on here?”