He Is Still Hurting Me
“You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave.”
“And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me”
And that’s the truth. Because I knew how she was most likely going to feel, I wanted to be there for her.
I know the feeling of getting in the car and feeling as though you are driving to your execution, to the place where you will come face to face with the person who murdered your soul— and almost murdered your body.
I know that with ever mile that passes under the wheels of the car, the louder my brain will scream at me to turn around.
I know the feeling of the car closing in on me, that even with the windows open it starts to feel like you are suffocating, completely engulfed in the silence of your thoughts.
I know how it feels to finally arrive at the courthouse and feel as though I have already lost the battle, and feel so distraught that I just know I am going to lose the war. I don’t need to wait to be defeated by him, I’ve already been defeated by myself.
Thankfully they haven’t been of the rape-ish and abusive nature that I fear may one day creep up over my sleep, but nonetheless I’ve woken up crying a few times in the last week, and that, that I do not like.
Every single dream is the same; I’m sitting in Mr. Attorney Man’s conference room with him and my ex. The two of them are talking, agreeing to terms, signing documents, and although I’m talking, no one hears me. They don’t see me, acknowledge me, or give me the slightest impression that they are even remotely aware of my presence.
In the dream the plans that they are making are nothing that I want to agree to, but I can’t stop it, it’s happening anyway, because no one is paying attention to me.
In this life, I was dealt what I was dealt, and not to overuse the word, but I dealt with it. I figured out how to cope with it and I moved on. I took what I was given and I used it in any way that I could to pursue a better life, because the alternative – falling apart – seemed worse. I had to learn be ok with the fact that I will never see justice for what my ex put me through. I had to finally accept the fact that I have no idea where he is or exactly why he left, and let me tell you that was no small feat.
Having someone just not come home one day, someone that you spent 10 years with and created two human beings with, to have them literally disappear off the face of the earth, those are the things that keep you awake at night. Those are the mysteries that claw tiny little holes in your brain where the questions multiply and echo off your skull. It really is a situation that drives people to insanity.
Grasping the realization that I really will be raising these kids fatherless, maybe forever, has been a terrifying reality to finally claim as my own, but I did it, because I had no choice.
It grew when I did what The Girl Child’s grief therapist recommended I do, and allow her to call her father. I knew full well that he would never call back, but the therapist thought that my daughter needed to understand that I was not blocking access to him.
So I let her call.
I watched her sit there, phone clutched to her tearful little cheeks, and I watched her cry into the phone “daddy, don’t you love me anymore? Don’t you want to see me? I love you, please call me, because I love you so much” and he never called back.
It grew last week when I emailed, practically begging for his family medical history, something that I desperately needed to give to The Boy Child’s surgeon, and as usual he didn’t email back.
I thought I only had two choices, deal with it, or fall apart, but I was wrong.
I took the third choice; I grew.
Everything that has been done for you, or to you, carries a lesson in it. Oftentimes we have no say in what life hands us, but what we do with what we are given, that is where we have the control.
Change stems from a makeover of something that went wrong.
I don’t like what is happening to me now. This wasn’t supposed to be my story, this wasn’t what I signed up for. I can’t escape it and I can’t make it stop, but I am learning from it.
You can’t always escape the negatives in your life. Sometimes they happen and you move on, and other times you’re forced to hang around them for a while. The key to surviving them is in remembering that although you feel stuck, you don’t actually have to remain still.
I can’t walk away from my situation, but I also don’t have to lay down and die.
I can’t get out of it, but I refuse to go down with it.
I’ve got 15 years left in dealing with my ex. Fifteen years that I’m sure will bring a lot of frustration, pain, tears, and some really amazing lessons.
If I have to stay here, I might as well take in the scenery.
I’m choosing to grow in it.
Life doesn’t always give us what we want, but that doesn’t mean we can’t turn it into something that we love.