If you remember from the last part of this unique three-part-post, I had been struggling to get comfortable with the very close relationship that the guy I’m dating, has with a female friend. Where we left off, The Guy had come to the realization that maybe the relationship he had with this female friend, was not as platonic as he had previously thought. Attempting to rectify the situation, he took it upon himself to email her (cringe!) without my knowledge, and tell her that he needed to redefine the boundaries of their friendship.
As for the rest of you, enjoy the conclusion!
*****************
Her response to his email was quick, and it was brutal.
Actually, her first response was to offer “a listening ear and a friendly hug, because I’ll always be here for you if you want to talk about any problems that you are having with Eden,” but when he declined and reiterated that he needed to step back from the personal conversations the two of them had been having, she lashed out in a way that reminded me very much of my mother.
She ranted and raved that “obviously Eden is a mental case if she doesn’t want you talking to me,” and went off on a tangent about how I must be some kind of psycho. She repeatedly stated that if “Eden were a secure human being, she would have absolutely no problem with you sharing your relationship details with me.” She continued on to say that I’m clearly abusive, and that I had brainwashed him into cutting her off as his friend.
It ended with her telling him how disgusted she was that he would put his relationship with me before his relationship with her, and told him that for his own sake he needed to break up with me immediately.
Many of the emails were mostly in caps, full of more swearing than I care to rewrite, and they came one after another, after another.
Now mind you, I didn’t know about any of this until hours later, and by then there had been multiple email exchanges back and forth. He continued to be respectful and insist that he was making this decision all on his own, and respectfully attempted to calm the situation by profusely apologizing for hurting her. When she continued to demand that he break up with me, and tell him that she was disgusted that he was putting his relationship with me before his relationship with her, that was when he came to me and basically said “I tried to make things better, but I think that I made them a whole lot worse. And to add to it, I think you might have been right all along, because this is not a normal response.”
No, no it was not.
Sitting on my couch later that night after my kids were in bed, he asked me what he should do, and I told him that it was up to him. You see, I wasn’t unsympathetic to his situation. They truly were friends (whatever her intentions may have been), and I felt bad for him. I actually told him that if this was too much, that my offer still stood and that I would happily walk away; that maybe we weren’t meant to be, and I’d be alright with that. And I wasn’t martyring myself for him, I was just too emotionally exhausted to defend myself anymore against this entire situation. If he wanted her, then I would happily step aside with the full knowledge that I wasn’t losing out on anything or anyone, because I clearly deserved better.
He was insistent that things with her were over, that he felt like he needed to stand up for me, and that he just needed to figure out how to really end it with the least collateral damage. I asked him what he hoped to gain from this, and he seemed to be struggling the most with how badly his friendship of 24 years was ending.
Ironically this blog is what came to mind when I told him what I was thinking.
“Well,” I said calmly. “Obviously I don’t like what she is saying about me, but I’m not going to get all riled up about it. What she thinks of me is of no concern to me, and in fact, thanks to the commentors on this blog, I’ve heard much worse. Come to think of it, she isn’t even being that creative with her insults. Amateur.”
He laughed.
But it was true. I really could not have cared less what she thought about me, nor did I have any desire to tell her what I was thinking about her. As I said, her opinion of me was of no concern to me, and I didn’t feel the need to defend myself to someone whose roll in my life was getting smaller by the minute.
Then, keeping with the blog theme, I went on to tell him something that we have talked about on this blog before. “If you need closure, I can respect that. I’ll respect however it is that you want to handle this, but if you’re looking for me to tell you what to do, the only thing I can do is to give you the same advice that I give to my readers when we talk about disowning family. If you are really prepared to end your relationship with her, take one last opportunity to say what you need to say. Do it calmly and with respect, but be prepared that she might not be in a position to actually understand the message that you are trying to convey. Say it because you need to say it, and understand that there is a good chance she won’t hear you. You cannot control her response, and you cannot turn it into a battle where you continue to fight back and forth. Give it one last shot so that when you look back at how things ended, you can find peace in knowing that you did what you needed to do, and you left the rest up to her. Then, when you walk away, you can do it with your head held high; not because you have won a fight over her, but because you know that you did what you could, and it was time to move on.”
I then left the rest up to him, because this was not my battle to fight.
I’ve spent enough time in my life vying for a position that should have been mine by default, whether it was as a loved and cherished child, or the one and only love of my husband’s life. I was sad that The Guy was going through all of this, but I still stood firm with the realization that I had come to; I won’t fight for what I deserve, because if it’s not freely given, then I deserve better.
I deserve someone who is willing to fight for me because they know what I’m worth.
Her attacks on me never let up, and in the end, The Guy walked away….
From her.
He wrote a final email saying that he felt bad that it had gone down the way it had, but that this was just more proof of how inappropriate their relationship had become. “It really hurts me that you would treat me like this” he wrote to her. “After all the time that I spent helping you with your relationship, you have completely disrespected mine.”
As I kept reading his email (and am actually re-reading it as I type this), I chuckled a little because I saw a few things written in there that I know we had talked about previously, and it made me feel good that he had really processed our conversation. He confessed, “you two [her and her husband] are always fighting and you drag everyone around you into your relationship, and if I don’t want to end up like that, then I need to do things differently. I can’t sit around and claim that what we are doing is healthy for our partners, when the proof is in your failing marriage and how often you turn to me about the issues you are having, instead of turning to him to work things out. I can’t have a healthy relationship with Eden if I’m in the middle of yours, because I need to focus on protecting what Eden and I are trying to build. I didn’t want to make a choice. I asked you for some time to figure things out, and you wouldn’t give that to me, so if you are drawing a line, then I’m standing on the side that has Eden.”
I really wasn’t sure how this whole thing was going to turn out, and I would be lying if I said she didn’t continue to email him, but he has never responded back. Emails go to his trash and he unfriended her on Facebook. Her number is now gone from his phone, and the friendship is over. This wasn’t the ending that either of us wanted, and I honestly do feel terrible, but unfortunately life doesn’t always work out like it does on TV. At the end of this episode, some people are still hurt, some are still sad, and this didn’t tie itself up with a pretty little bow where the credits begin to roll.
I was truly prepared to walk away, but I didn’t, and he didn’t, and so here we are. What this will turn into, I still couldn’t say (and I still don’t call him my boyfriend), but whatever we are, we both know the position that we hold.
I’m a priority in his life, not because I fought for the spot, but because he gave it to me.
In life there are some things that you will have to fight for, but your position in someone’s life should never be one of them. You are worth more than having to fight to be seen, and if someone can’t see that, then you deserve to find someone who can. Because trust me, there will be someone who can see your worth, and as I have often joked over the years about my dating life, “dude, if you are not the guy that should be standing tall in my life, then I’m going to need you to sit down so that I can see the guy behind you.”
If you have to fight to be important, then begin that fight, with you. Fight for what you want, what you need, and what you deserve, and when the right person comes along, you will know it because they will fight alongside you, for you.
The right people — whether it be a parent, a friend, or a significant other — will never make you have to fight for your spot in their life, because they will be too busy fighting to create one for you.
And if they’re not, then maybe it’s time for them to sit down.
******************
Well, that concludes my first ever three-part-post. Thank you all for sticking with me through it and I hope that it was worth your time!
******************
If You Liked This, Here Are A Few More Relevant Posts!
“Is It Time To End This Thing?”
HA! First.Now that that's out of the way…..I'm so glad this is the way things turned out. I love it when life lessons are learned, and I like it even more when the outcome for the participants I care about is positive. I'm super glad you stood your ground, Eden, but also that you didn't force The Guy to do it your way. You let him make his own choice, and now you can feel that much more confident in how he feels about you and your relationship. And he can feel the same way! When people do things because they want to, not because they “have” to, for me it's much easier to see their true motivation.I'm still mad at you for making us wait this long to have a happy ending, though. 😛
Thank you love 🙂 I’m also really pleased with the way everything turned out.
Hope you aren’t still mad!!
Girl – you rock. Plain and simple. And HURRAY for THE GUY to take a stand in the right direction. What will be will be…but for now, I'm happy for you both. Keep on rocking (and by that, I mean living life large and happy…or the rock & roll version if that's you). 🙂
Aw, thanks. And yes, yay for the guy!
You are right, what will be, will be, and we shall see what that is!
I like to rock & roll. Why, do I look old!?
😉
Good for you! I'm glad it all worked out. I had a guy friend before I met my husband. We could have been more then just friends if he had asked… By the time he did I was already dating my husband. Then he got married and I got married. I'm not friends with his wife (never met her, we live in different continents and I haven't personally seen him in over 10 years). We had to drop out of each other's life… We didn't fight, we didn't break up, we just gave each other up for the sake of our spouses. I still care for him and I'm sure he still cares for me (not romantically), but we just keep up with each other via Christmas newsletters. I'm not bitter about it, and I bet he isn't either, it was the right thing to do. Doesn't mean I don't miss him… I don't know why I'm writing this… I guess I just had to get it out of my chest
Sounds like you both had an amazing amount of respect for each other, and your spouses. You may not see him anymore, but that is a true friend 🙂
That was a good read! Glad things worked out! The more you write about him, the more he sounds like a great guy!
Great read! Glad his choice was clear to him!
This was great!!!
Thank you!
I LOVE that everything has come together, full circle. Specifically, the part about having a place in someone's life. That is resonating deeply. You're inspiring to those of us with our own issues looking to get there. To just know what we're worth, what we deserve, and to find contentment. Your posts give me hope that one day I'll see that I'm enough, too. Plus, you have a gift for GIFs, my friend. 🙂
I’m happy that you got something out of this post (other than a good chuckle from the GIFs of course!)
You are enough, I promise. Let yourself accept that, and you will give the world a reason to respect it.
You are enough!!!!
*hugs*
I had a similar type of platonic friendship with a woman once. She was married and I was not. Her husband was totally cool with the friendship..and that was very important to me….but then….suddenly…one day, he wasn't cool anymore….and that meant that I was not either. She was…is….and always will be my homie….but her obligation is not to me….it is to her husband….so we had to break fellowship.I do not know how to stop being someone's friend. I just do not work that way. But there are certainly times in our lives when we must break fellowship. It would have been nice if you man friend and his long time friend could have just agreed, peacefully, that the current circumstances required that they break fellowship for now. Who knows…5 years down the road, she could be remarried to a great guy…you and man friend could be married and working on baby #4…and you four could fellowship as couples.
I know what you mean… I had to give up a guy friend when he and I got married (to other people). We were platonic, but only because he didn't ask me soon enough (we were young, and I was taught to not pursue boys). By the time he did it was too late. It's been 10 years (maybe more). We still send each other families' Christmas cards, but that is about it. I'm still in touch with his parents (whom I love), but we live in different continents, so it's not like I bump into him or them). I still care for him deeply and I wish him all the happiness in the world. We just couldn't keep on being so close after we got married.
Yay for happy endings.And while, yeah, it sucks to lose friendships that had lasted that long… well… it's like to end any other toxic relationship that has lasted for so long. You will grieve it, but it's something that will make your life lighter in the end. But this had caught my attention: She repeatedly stated that if “Eden were a secure human being, she would have absolutely no problem with you sharing your relationship details with me.” Dude, what is going on in this girl's head?
You are very right about losing the friendship. It was time.
And in regards to the secure part, I honestly think it was her way of trying to manipulate/project her own insecurities. If she could make me look insecure, well then she didn’t have to admit that she wasn’t secure with my position in the relationship.
At first, I was (just a bit) kind of feeling for her. I mean, 24 years is a really long time for someone to be friends. Assuming he's not that much older than you, they were likely friends in elementary school. That's a F***ing long time for a relationship.At the same time, people in relationships for that long are sometimes blind to what's going on around them. Or at least, blind to how their relationship affects those around them. Not sure if that makes sense. They're not sleeping together, so obviously they're not in a relationship and how dare anyone accuse them of being in one! When in reality, sex isn't the only way to be in a relationship with someone.It seems like your guy was able to step back and look around him and realize that, yeah, the relationship he had with that girl wasn't so great now that he was in an actual romantic relationship with someone else. That can't have been easy for him to take that step back and basically say, “Hey, what we're doing isn't okay. We can still be friends, bust just not how we were before. Because we were WAY too close.” or something like that. Kudos to him.It sounds like she's just a really unhappy person and was way too dependent on him for emotional support. So she lashed out angrily when she realized her support wasn't going to be the same support she'd been getting over the years. That sucks, but at the same time she is a grown woman and her reaction was way over the top ridiculous. Sounds like she needs to grow up and learn some maturity. And learn how go handle difficult situations on her own without having to bring down other people with her.I'm writing this after working two 14-hour days in a row with another one coming tomorrow, so hopefully everything I've said makes sense. 🙂
I think you hit the nail on the head with the “she is really unhappy and way too dependent on him for emotional support.” She was using him as her emotional validation in place of her husband, which is a relationship that seems to make her very unhappy. It’s not a good situation to be in and I do feel for her, but at the end of the day I can’t let my sympathy for her overtake my own relationship. :/
And that makes a ton of sense which is impressive after a two 14 hour days!
It's over a year since I originally read the trilogy. Thank you for writing! At the time I read this I had been in a relationship with someone who was friends with every single ex girlfriend except the last one (7 or 8 women). I was trying to figure out how to be ok with all the ex's and female friends. I wasn't. I wanted to be mature and secure (I wasn't and then I was). Rereading your trilogy, reminded me I was enough. After creating kids with 2 dudes, and now breaking up with this dude (he lives with his mom). I'm tired! I go back and forth in my mind to how pathetic I am in wanting to go back to him. I go to therapy and it helps. Thank for writing this blog. Thank you for your sense of humor.
Im so sorry that you’ve had to go through that, it’s definitely not easy! I am so proud of you though for realizing that you deserve better, because you do!!! You deserve a man that doesn’t need to bring all his ex’s along with him, because now he has you!!